Riley Thorn and the Corpse in the Closet by Lucy Score

31

8:29 a.m., Tuesday, August 18

Nick walked down the line, eyeing each sweaty, sparkly person in front of him. “One of our own has become the target of a murderer,” he said.

“Sir, yes, sir,” Lily said with a salute and a saucy wink. She’d changed out of her nightgown and into camo bike shorts and matching tank top that showed off her blinding, vitamin-D deficient arms.

Riley made a note to check Lily’s vitamins to make sure she was getting enough.

“You’re old. You’re soft. You’re confused,” Nick continued, stopping in front of Mr. Willicott, who was attending the day’s festivities in a tuxedo jacket and boxers. “You’re in danger.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Willicott announced. Glitter sparkled in his graying, short-cropped hair.

“That’s why I’ve got the ol’ Beretta,” Mrs. Penny said next to him. She patted her hip, then frowned and looked down at her empty holster. “Well, crap. Now where did I leave it?”

Riley felt her lips twitch and tried to cover it, but Nick caught her. He stopped inches in front of her. “Do not smile, Thorn. None of this is funny. You’ve been targeted, and it’s time for you all to learn how to take safety precautions.”

“Boring!” Willicott shouted.

“Yeah, we want to learn how to wrestle attackers into submission,” Lily said from the other end of the line.

“And make booby traps!” Fred yelled.

Nick gritted his teeth, and Riley winced. He was sweating glitter. The humidity closing in on them made the parking lot an oven.

Detective Weber had arrived on-scene with a couple of uniforms and a forensics expert. They’d taken the bomb packaging and glitter samples back to the lab. After a little manly side conference, both Nick and Kellen had looked rather grim.

She got it.

A glitter bomb tied her to the other two victims and set a clock in motion. Both victims had been dead within two weeks of receiving the packages.

“It’s hot. Can’t we fight bad guys inside in the air conditioning?” Mrs. Penny complained.

Gabe was the only one not talking back. He stood with his back straight, his eyes staring at some unseen, faraway object.

“What the hell is that?” Riley asked as a vehicle pulled into the lot.

It screeched to a halt in front of them, and Josie jumped to the ground. “Regulation Humvee,” she announced.

The driver swaggered over to stand next to her. He was shorter than Nick and barrel-chested. He had a mustache perched over unsmiling lips. “Santiago,” he said with an arrogant nod.

“Canon,” Nick acknowledged grudgingly. He turned back to his motley crew. “Welcome to Self-Defense Boot Camp, ladies and gentlemen.”

Everyone but Gabe and Riley cheered.

* * *

Half an hour later,no one was cheering, and everyone was sweating.

“I have glitter in my dentures,” Fred complained. “Can I go brush it out?”

“Do you think you’ll have time in a firefight to call a time out and brush your dentures?” Canon responded.

The guy came across like an unhinged drill sergeant.

“I guess it depends on what a firefight is,” Fred mused.

“Wrong! Show me the moves again.”

“Stab. Poke. Swipe. Stab. Poke. Swipe,” the over-eighty crowd shouted, wielding canes and walking sticks.

“Is this absolutely necessary?” Riley huffed, putting her boxing-glove-encased hands on her knees and trying to catch her breath.

Nick lowered the pad she’d been assaulting for the last five minutes and glared at her. “Do not ask me that, Thorn. I wanted to handcuff you to me and get on a plane, but instead I’m teaching you how to defend yourself.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Not that you’ll ever be alone again. I’ll be there when you shower. When you work. When you sleep. When you’re peeing.”

She shook her head vehemently. “No way. I draw the line there. If you want this relationship to work, we’re putting off the peeing in front of each other as long as possible,” she insisted.

“I will be there when you go to yoga,” he continued. “When you visit your scary grandmother. From now on, think of me as a pissed-off appendage.”

She took a breath and blew it out again. “I’m not going to point out that I think you’re overreacting.”

“Good.”

“But I am going to point out that you have cases of your own to solve. How are you going to track down Larry Rupley if you’re busy watching me shower?”

“Don’t worry about the logistics. I’ll take care of those. Now, get back on that mat with Josie and prove that you can escape a rear naked choke hold so I can sleep at night.”

“That sounds like you want us to get naked and wrestle around. Are you sure this is self-defense and not some male fantasy?”

He growled at her, and she wisely decided to do as she was told.

“Just stay away from my vagina,” Riley warned Josie when she stepped on the mat they’d unloaded from the back of the Humvee. “It got a workout last night.”

“Nice job, Nicky,” Josie said with a rare grin. Which disappeared immediately when her open palm connected with Riley’s face.

“Ow!”

“That wasn’t hard,” Josie scoffed.

“No! You hit the mosquito bite Nick slapped last night.”

Josie’s eyebrows were the only part of her face that showed interest. “You two are kinkier than I thought. Nice going.” She slapped Riley on the other side of her face. “Now, put your damn hands up and block me.”

She tried. She swore she was trying. But Josie managed to get her tattooed arm around Riley’s neck every time, and Riley couldn’t break free.

“My turn,” Canon said, gesturing for Josie to step aside. “You don’t know me. You won’t be worried about hurting me.”

Nick was watching them closely with a fierce frown.

I hate this guy.

She got that loud and clear.

Josie read the situation too. “Go spar with the Great Pyramid,” she told Nick and pointed at Gabe.

Riley watched the two men size each other up as they pulled on boxing gloves.

“Since you’re such a peaceful flower child, let’s start with the basics,” Nick said. “A jab is a—”

Gabe’s gigantic fist flashed out and sucker-punched him right in the nose, snapping Nick’s head back.

“Fuck.” Nick swiped his forearm under his nose. “Yeah. That’s a jab, smartass.”

Gabe grinned. “I have been wanting to do that for a long time.”

“Riley, right?” Canon said, drawing her attention back to the mat.

“Yeah,” she said, reluctantly turning away from the hot, sweaty guy show to face Canon. He skimmed in just under six feet tall and was very muscley. His mustache and dark hair were both trimmed with a precision that definitely made her think military.

“Let’s start with you in the hold, and we’ll work on it step-by-step before working up to full speed.”

They got down on the mat, and Riley wrinkled her nose as the breeze carried with it the now familiar disaster of scents from next door. She wondered if Burt had been sneaking out at night to poop at the abandoned mansion.

When Canon’s beefy forearm came around her neck, she forgot to worry about Burt’s poop.

“I’m applying just enough pressure to make it scary,” he explained to her.

“Gah. It’s working,” she gargled.

He smelled nice. Expensive. She, on the other hand, smelled like she’d forgotten to apply deodorant all summer.

“How come we don’t get to wrestle with that cutie?” Lily asked.

“Less flirting. More stabbing,” Mrs. Penny ordered, taking the elders through their self-defense moves again.

Canon walked her through a few escape techniques, but as soon as her oxygen was cut off, Riley panicked and started flailing.

After a fourth disastrous attempt, he gave her a break and consulted with Josie.

Riley crawled to the edge of the mat and picked up her water bottle. This scenario reminded her a little too much of being held under the water while another man’s hands choked the life out of her.

She felt Nick’s gaze on her and gave him a wave a second before Gabe’s fist drove into his torso.

Maybe Nick wasn’t the only one still freaking out over past events.

“You’re not using all your tools,” Josie told her as Riley guzzled water.

“What tools do I have left? Whimpering for help?”

Josie flicked her in the forehead. “You’re a psychic, dummy. You know what your attacker is going to do before they do it.”

Riley blinked. “Can I really do that?”

“I’m not the psychic. But if I had that talent, you can guaran-damn-tee I’d be using it to get inside my opponent’s head. If it’s a life or death situation, you want to use everything you’ve got at your disposal.”

Riley sat with that for a minute and decided it wasn’t the worst idea in the world.

She put down the water and climbed back on her feet. “Okay. Let’s try this again.”

Canon flashed her a grin. “Think you’ve got me this time?”

“We’ll see.”

Okay, spirit guides. Mama needs to not get choked out.

This time when Canon wrapped a beefy arm around her neck from behind, she saw cotton candy clouds instead of spots. As he slowly cut off her oxygen, she recalled an episode of Made It Out Alive on evading abduction attempts. A teenage girl had been walking home from her Taekwondo class when the abductor tried to drag her into his car and got an ass-kicking for his trouble.

Breathless, Riley made herself go limp. When Canon’s grip lessened, she reared her head back. He saw the attack coming but couldn’t completely dodge the blow. She caught him just under the eye, stunning him enough for him to release her.

She jumped to her feet and did a victory dance. “In your face, attacker!”

He grinned up at her. “Nicely done. But next time, wait to celebrate until after you’ve run away.”

“Solid advice,” she said.

He held up a hand, and she moved to help haul him to his feet.

Instead, she found herself flat on her back with Canon straddling her hips. “One more thing, Riley,” he said with a quick grin. “Don’t help your attacker up.”

“Get off her, Canon.”

Nick’s voice was deadly, and it was coming in hot.

She peeked up in time to see Josie stepping in front of Nick, slapping a hand to his chest. “Be cool, boss.”

Canon took his time getting to his feet, most likely to piss Nick off.

He held out his hand to Riley, and she took it. But as Canon was pulling her to her feet and glaring at Nick, Riley swept his legs out from under him.

He hit the mat with a laugh. “You’re a fast learner, Riley.”

“It’s my turn,” Lily shouted, tottering over to the mat and throwing herself on top of Canon. “Oh, no! I seem to have fallen down and can’t get up!”

Riley turned her attention to Nick, who was bleeding from the nose. His left eye was swelling. Beyond him, Gabe had a split lip and was grinning. “Why can’t you have normal friendships with guys? Why does everything have to be an anti-bromance with you?” Riley asked.

“It’s not my fault men are assholes,” Nick insisted, pulling up the hem of his shirt to swipe away the blood.

She sighed, enjoying the peek at his torso. “It’s really nice of you to do this for us.”

“I’m doing it for you, Thorn.”

“I know.”

He nudged her chin up. “Promise me you won’t let some half-assed self-defense lesson make you think you’re invincible.”

“I promise. I also promise I won’t go looking for trouble.”

He blew out a breath. “That would make me feel better if trouble didn’t have such a knack for finding you.”

“Good thing I have you,” she said, grabbing him by the sweaty shirt front and yanking him into her.

A happy bark came from the house. Riley and Nick turned and spotted Burt’s face in the parlor window.

Crap.

“Lily, I thought you closed the parlor doors?”

“I did!” she said indignantly from the mat where Canon was trying to extricate himself from her surprisingly effective hold. “At least, I think I did. Maybe I just thought about it?”

“That pony’s all sparkly,” Willicott observed. “He’s got white stuff all over his face. He a cokehead?”

“Gabe, tell me the donuts aren’t still on the floor in there,” Riley groaned.

But Burt’s powdered sugar-and-glitter face told the story.

Riley jogged to the front porch and let herself in. The parlor doors were wide open, and there were glittery paw prints leading everywhere.

Burt trotted out of the room to her with a donut dangling from his mouth.

“We are never going to get your farts under control if you don’t stop snarfing down people food,” she complained.

An unnatural rumble came from the direction of the dog’s intestinal tract. Burt’s eyes went wide, and the donut fell out of his mouth.

“Oh, no. Not in here, mister. You get your glitter behind outside to do your business,” she said, pointing to the open door.

Burt bounded for the door, then skidded to a stop. He raced back for the donut he’d dropped and pranced outside.

When Riley followed, she found her grandmother glowering at everyone while Burt sniffed around in a circle next to the wrestling mat.

“Hey, Grandmother,” Riley said, hoping to land on the woman’s good side.

Any normal grandma would ask why everyone was covered in glitter. Or wonder why several of her housemates were bruised and bleeding. Elanora was not a normal grandma.

She whipped around to study Riley. The pheasant feathers in her hair tickled Fred’s nose, and he giggled, then sneezed.

“There are other ways of defending oneself. Brute force is rarely the correct answer.” Her eyes flicked to Gabe’s split lip and narrowed.

“Look, lady,” Nick said. “Your granddaughter is in danger and not from ghosts or dead people. This is a real, live threat.”

“Then you should want her to have all of the tools she requires.”

Nick’s nostrils flared, and Riley stepped between them just in case her boyfriend did something stupid like try to punch her grandmother or in case her grandmother tried to murder him with psychic powers.

“You will all attend my granddaughter’s yoga class and stay for an intensive spiritual defense training.”

“Everyone?” Riley repeated, thinking about Mr. Willicott getting confused in corpse pose and dying on the spot.

“It’s happening,” Josie announced.

All eyes turned to Burt in horror as the dog squatted.

“My God,” Canon hissed.

“That ain’t natural,” Mrs. Penny said, shaking her head.

Burt’s poop sparkled festively in the summer sunshine.

Elanora tut-tutted. “Disgraceful.”

“All in favor of Sparkle Poo as our new codeword say ‘aye,’” Lily called.

“Aye.”