A Grey Wolves Howliday (The Grey Wolves #14) by Quinn Loftis

Every single female in the room shook their heads at her.

“Nope,” Jen said.

“Couldn’t happen,” Jacque agreed.

“You could be bald, boobless, covered in leprosy, rolled in tar, and then dipped in sewage, and your mate would still desire you,” Crina added. “There’s a reason no other man can love you the way your true mate does.”

Peri leaned forward, resting her arms on her legs as she narrowed her eyes on Zara. “I’ve been around for a long time—”

“Understatement.” Jen coughed.

Peri ignored her and continued. “I’ve been an ambassador to the wolves for most of that time. I’ve been around them, learned their ways, and watched them with their mates. Of all the races, both ordinary and supernatural, there are none more devoted. You share a soul with your male. You are more precious to him than every breath he takes. There is nothing you could do to change that. Not a single thing in your past, your present, or your future will ever change that.”

Tears welled up in Zara’s eyes. She was so sick of crying. Every time she was away from Wadim, she had to choke down the painful emotions. It was the pain of rejection. “You guys don’t understand. I am not like you all. I mean, if I took my clothes off, you would not see a complete woman.” She was trying so hard not to lose it. Zara didn’t want to tell them exactly what she meant. It was just too embarrassing. Even now, she was ashamed at how her body had been forever mutilated. “It’s humiliating,” she whispered, her hands fidgeting in her lap as she tried to keep them from shaking.

“This is obviously a very traumatizing thing for you to talk about,” Peri said slowly, as if picking her words carefully. “You are a dormant, which means there might be limits to how your body deals with trauma. Wolves usually heal faster than humans, and they typically don’t carry scars from injuries unless the wounds were inflicted by a fae blade,” she explained. Peri took a deep breath before she continued. “Was such a weapon involved in your … ordeal?”

Zara shook her head. “I have no idea.” She licked her lips and swallowed. She reached for her wolf’s courage to try and talk to these women who had become more than friends. They were family, pack. They wouldn’t judge her or shame her. “Mostly, he bit me. But he did cut me as well. I have scars everywhere. But he also did something else. Something that makes it almost impossible to look at myself in a mirror. I’ve tried to get past it. Wadim has reassured me over and over that it doesn’t change how he sees me. But I feel incomplete.”

The high fae stared at her for a long time. Then she finally spoke again. “I can try to help. But I’ll need to know what was done, and I can’t make any promises.”

Zara’s heart sped up. She felt a sliver of hope begin to blossom. Maybe it was wrong of her to want to change herself. Her mate assured her he still found her attractive. But in reality, she knew it wasn’t completely about Wadim. It was about herself. It was about the fact that she’d lost something that made her a woman. Did men have them? Yes, but they didn’t serve a purpose. They didn’t have the ability to sustain the life of their child. Men didn’t see them as a substantial body part that made them feel complete. She wanted that back. She wanted it for herself, not for Wadim, but because it was how she was created. A woman. Equal to a man but different. And they were good differences, necessary differences.

Zara clenched her jaw and then finally answered. “If I ever had a child, I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed them.”

She saw confusion mar all of their faces, except for Jen and Jacque. They seemed to get it right away.

“Bastard,” Jen growled. “He’s lucky I wasn’t the one to get my hands on him. I would have pumped him full of adrenaline so he’d stay awake while I cut off his jewels with a dull butter knife.”

Zara chuckled without humor. “Believe me, that was one of my constant fantasies while I was trapped.”

Peri stood up from her seat and walked over to Zara. She sat on the coffee table directly in front of the girl.

“You don’t have to do this.” Wadim’s voice filled her mind. “I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t desire you, beautiful,” he said, his voice more gentle than it had been in days. “I love you. I want you no matter what.”

Zara felt the tears fall down her face. “I’m not doing this for you,” she responded. “This is for me. Maybe it’s vain. Maybe it makes me weak because I can’t come to terms with it. But this is what I want. For so long, what I wanted didn’t matter. I had no power over my choices. Now, I do.”

“I think her mate just got involved.” Jen’s voice filled the surrounding quiet.

“Zara.” He breathed out her name like a prayer. “I don’t know what to say to make you understand.”

“If it makes you feel better, I’m not doing this in hopes that you’ll change your mind. You’ve made a choice based on your convictions. I’ve tried to ask you to see my point of view, but I need to respect your choice. And I need you to respect mine.” Zara felt his anger, pain, and desperation through the bond. She didn’t understand why he was feeling those things. They’d both shut down most of the bond, so she wasn’t getting everything from him.