Heart of My Monster (Monster Trilogy #3) by Rina Kent

Therefore, Rai can bark but will never be able to bite.

Despite all the shit I stirred up, I’m still the best option the brotherhood has in order to survive.

“I think,” I say in reply to Vladimir’s question. “We should wait it out, take no action against the Irish and see how they’ll react. If they choose violence…”

“I’ll butcher them in their sleep,” Damien finishes for me, rubbing his hands together.

“That.” I jut my chin toward him, and he grins like an evil maniac.

“Can’t we start the war first and see how it goes from there?”

“No,” I say point-blank.

“Come on! Why does no one take my suggestions seriously?”

“Because there’s little to no thought put behind them,” Igor replies, then focuses on me. “I agree with that plan, but we should also try to insert spies.”

“Already done,” I say. “Adrian has his own network within.”

The man in question nods. “We started that about a week ago. If there’s anything suspicious, I’ll report back to the Pakhan.”

“Always one step ahead, eh?” Mikhail smirks.

“I wouldn’t settle for anything else,” I say and then wrap up the meeting.

Most days, I’m too numb to feel anything, but on other days, the cloud is too close. The gloominess suffocates my breathing, my being, and everything I’ve ever strived for.

Some days, I’m hit with the fact that I won’t see her shadowing me and competing with Viktor over who can protect me better.

And then there are the days where I wonder why I’m still breathing when she isn’t.

This is one of those days.

I need all these fucking people out of my face so that I can get drunk at her grave like I do every day. The few hours I sleep against the tree opposite her tombstone is the only sleep I ever get, and even that is riddled with nightmares of her corpse.

Nightmares of her crying, cursing, and hitting me because I chose to be engaged to Kristina—who’s now actually pregnant.

Rai lingers behind, her eyes practically shooting lasers in my direction. Her husband stands beside her, mainly to stop her from getting herself shot. She has a loud mouth that needs to be reined in.

I lean my chin against my fist and conjure a nonchalance I don’t feel. “Is there a reason behind your tedious presence?”

“Just so you know, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Very bold of you to assume I have any fucks to give about your views.”

“How can you be this detached about her death, you fucking asshole!” She lunges at me, probably to punch or slap me, but Kyle holds her by the waist and flings her back.

“Let me go!” She struggles against him. “Someone needs to knock some sense into his thick head!”

“I would, but I’d rather not see you get shot, Princess.”

“At least one of you is smart.” I throw up a dismissive hand. “Get her out of my sight before I lose the little benevolence I have left.”

“It’s your fault Sasha died,” she says calmly, her struggle gone. “She had no enemies, but you do. Hell, you collect them like badges of honor, not giving a shit how that could influence the people on your side. I already said that you weren’t worthy of her and that you should have let her go, but of course, you didn’t do that, and look how that turned out.”

I stand up fast, but Kyle’s reflexes are faster. He all but drags her out of the dining room. “We’re leaving.”

My hand balls into a fist at my side. If I’d touched her, I would’ve snapped her fucking neck. No doubt about it.

Kyle was quick enough to save her from my clutches. Even if temporarily.

I stand there for a second, two…

In one movement, I grab the edges of the table and send everything on top crashing down.

Dishes, glasses, and leftover food splinter and leave stains on the floor, but it does nothing to calm the raging fire inside.

Maybe I should be the one who poisons Rai to shut off her fucking annoying voice forever.

It's your fault Sasha died.

Those words repeat over and over again, clashing with the ticking sound of the old clock.

Tick.

I’m why she died.

Tock.

If she didn’t know me, she’d be alive.

Tick.

If I’d chosen her, she wouldn’t have been killed.

Tock…

My head seems to short-circuit. Either that, or I’m losing my fucking mind. My body can’t keep up with my spiraling thoughts, and rage shakes through me.

The red type.

The type that needs to spill blood and would still be dissatisfied with it.

I roll the ring on my finger back and forth in a mad rhythm as I storm out of the dining room. I’m glad Viktor isn’t here to nag me like my nonexistent mother. Or that Karina isn’t waiting for me with a knife—she picked up that habit again after the last time she also accused me of being emotionless.

Cold.

Apathetic.

If I were as indifferent as she and Rai claim I am, would I be able to feel choked, no matter how much air I breathe?

Would I need alcohol and her fucking grave to have some semblance of vague rest?

Would I feel her with me? Even now? Walking by my fucking side silently, sadly maybe?