Dirty Toe Drag by Toni Aleo

Chapter Sixteen

Wes

I don’t thinkI’ve stomped out of a therapy session in a really long time. Not a full-on temper tantrum, but visibly upset—yeah, that’s me. That was an absolute shitshow, and I am not happy. I was all ready for it to go well. I had the positive vibes going like Stella said to, but they didn’t work out. Nope. New therapist Melody is not my people. She came in convinced that I was a poster child for molestation and that I wasn’t healing. That Noelle isn’t great at her job and is letting me suffer! I’ve been on the road to recovery for almost ten years now. I may not have a handle on dealing with my dad, but everything else, I’m surviving, I’m dealing, and fucking hell, I’m fucking trying! It was question after question of shit that I don’t even need to answer because I know Noelle has been taking notes. I know Noelle knows this stuff, so why is Melody asking me things we’ve already fixed and moved on from?

But then, that’s not even the part that got me to the point of tears. Not that I cried since I’m not really a crier, but hell, I felt like it. But Noelle, being the angel she is and trying to lighten the session, asked me about my weekend. I was stoked. I was proud of my growth, and I knew Noelle would be too. When I gushed about my first real date in over two years, Melody had questions.

“Well, do you feel that you’re ready for a relationship?”

“Yeah. I’ve been single for a long time.”

“Are you sure it isn’t about sex? You have a tendency to fall back on the physical side of a relationship so you don’t feel the pain from the molestation.”

“Actually, I haven’t had sex in seven months. I didn’t even kiss her until our second date.”

“So, you’re telling me you gave up sex?”

“I didn’t give it up. I’ve just been focusing on myself and my therapy. Noelle and I thought it was for the best.”

“It is, but a relationship might not be the best thing right now. You need to learn how to have a sexual relationship without reverting to casual sex to un-feel your molestation.”

“Can we stop saying molestation? It’s fucking annoying.”

“But that’s what it was. You were molested.”

“I’m aware. I was there.”

“Then you need to face the repercussions from it.”

“I have. We have. I feel I have moved on. I have grown.”

“I don’t think so,” she says, and Noelle finally clears her throat.

“He is doing wonderfully, as I’ve said in my notes.”

“I know, but molestation is a life-altering thing. It’s hard to recover from it.”

“But I have,” I say sternly. “I use my coping strategies, I journal, I meditate when I have a bad day. I don’t drink on bad days. I mean, shit, I’m doing my best here.”

“Yes, but you also like to fight when you get overwhelmed. Or you shut down. Per Noelle’s notes.”

I look to Noelle, and she nods. “But it has gotten better. He’s nowhere near where he was.”

“He just got into a fight, not even a week ago.”

“Yes, but we talked it out. He knew it was a mistake, but it’s also part of the game.”

“Still, a relationship might not be a good idea.”

“I don’t see a problem at all,” Noelle tries, but Melody isn’t having it.

“Have you told her about your molestation?” she asks, her beady brown eyes burning into mine.

I blink. “It’s only our second date, so no, but I have been honest about my therapy.”

“That’s wonderful, Wes,” Noelle praises. “So good. I’m proud of you.”

I can’t even be thankful for her praise. I’m fucking pissed. Especially when Melody taps her chin, shaking her head. “That’s good and all, but you need to be honest with her. She needs to know you are recovering and healing. She needs to know this probably won’t last once you start having sex or if things get hard.”

“Okay, that’s unfair,” Noelle says finally. “And very unprofessional. We lift our clients here. I don’t know how it was where you came from, but our team needs our positivity.”

Melody thinks that over and, without missing a beat—or completely ignoring Noelle—looks at me and says, “I apologize. But tell me this, Wesley. Can you tell me three nonsexual things about her that turn you on?”

I fucking hate her, but I can answer that, no problem. “Her confidence, her strength, and her love for her family.”

She nods, impressed. “And what happens when you can’t handle the real relationship issues? You ruin her confidence and her strength?”

That’s when I left. Noelle tried to stop me, but I can’t even deal with any of that right now. I don’t know who that bitch thinks she is, but I know I am ready. I feel it. Deep inside me. I want to be the best version of myself for Stella because she brings it out in me. Hell, I want to be the best version for myself. I know I can do it; I am doing it. Fuck Melody.

As I enter the tape room, I’m early, but I find Boon and Aiden are already there. They’re both on their phones, but when I enter, they look up, instantly confused.

“I thought you had therapy?”

I slam myself down between them. “I fucking left. Fuck that new therapist.”

“Oh, man. Was it bad?” Aiden asks, and I cross my arms over my chest.

“Yes, she was a fucking cunt. Questioning me and completely doubting me before I could even prove that I’ve grown.”

“Well, that’s bullshit,” Aiden says, and Boon nods.

“What did Noelle say?”

“She tried to defend me, but it was a shitshow from the start.”

“Fuck,” Boon mutters. “I’m sorry, dude.”

“I mean, shit. I am trying here. I’m working hard to be a better person. Yes, I got into a fight, but whatever, I’m a hockey player.”

“It’s part of the game,” Aiden supplies, and I nod.

“But, no. It’s from my past issues, and I’m not ready for a relationship because it’s hard to get over what I went through and shit. Fucking bitch.”

Boon wraps his arm around my neck, squeezing me. “Dude, you have grown. I’ve seen it. We all have. You’re doing awesome.”

“Absolutely,” Aiden agrees. “We may not know what happened, but this last year, you’ve changed.”

I know I have. I feel it, but fucking hell, if that bitch didn’t get in my head. “She asked me about my date this weekend, and then she asked for three nonsexual things that turn me on about my girl. I said her confidence, her strength, and how much she loves her family. Then she comes back at me with, well, what happens when you mess that up? That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not,” Aiden says sternly. “Those are top-notch things.”

“I couldn’t have said it better,” Boon agrees. “For me, it’s when Posey wears Zac on her chest or when she makes me coffee in the morning. Oh, and how deeply in love with Zac she is.”

I know he is saying it to lighten the mood, and I appreciate it. I smile, knowing that he’s right. Posey is an incredible mom and woman, but it doesn’t help that this chick got in my head and made me doubt myself. Not knowing my suffering, Aiden’s grin is unstoppable. “So, Shelli rubs her belly every night and sings. I love it. It does it for me. I also love how, wherever we are, she always meets my gaze, even across a crowded room. It’s awesome. But my ultimate favorite thing is how hard she loves everyone. I mean, she loves my family, her family, and our team, all like they’re hers.”

“Yeah. She is awesome like that.”

“She is, but the fact that you can name off those things about the girl you’re dating right now, without even thinking too hard, is awesome, Wes,” Aiden says, so sure of himself. “I mean, I’m impressed. I know Noelle won’t stand for that. I’m sure she’s already called Elli and Shelli by now.”

“For sure,” Boon says. “And we all know Elli won’t deal with that shit.”

“Exactly,” Aiden adds. “Our mother-in-law don’t play.”

“No, she don’t.” I let out a long breath. “Thanks, guys. I needed this.”

Boon squeezes me, and Aiden punches my thigh. “We got you, dude.”

“Not to sound like I’m into you or anything, but we do, and basically forever,” Aiden says with a grin, and I give him a small smile back. I feel a little better, but still, I’m pissed. I can’t stand it when I allow people to get into my head. It’s like when we’re losing; it drives me absolutely insane, and I want to hit something. I have to have control of my emotions, but it’s hard when you’re being doubted. Especially when Melody knows nothing about me. So frustrating.

When my phone sounds, I look down to see it’s Stella.

Stella: How’d therapy go? Do you like the new lady?

I can’t answer her yet. I’m still super in my feelings, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten that I need to speak to Aiden. “Hey, do you have lunch plans tomorrow?”

Aiden shrugs. “Nope. We have our ultrasound today after tapes, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Cool. Can I take you out?”

He eyes me. “Everything good?”

“Yeah. I just want to talk to you about something.”

“I’m assuming I’m not invited?” Boon asks, and I laugh.

“Not this time, buddy.”

“Fine,” he grumbles jokingly.

I glance over at Aiden, and he nods, “Just let me know where to meet you.”

“Awesome.” I’m nervous and scared because of what that dumb-ass therapist said, but nothing will hold me back from getting what I want. Stella. I want Stella in my life as my partner. I want what the guys have. I want that security, that love. I believe in myself; I believe in my recovery because I know I am getting to where I need to be. Nothing and no one can hold me back.

Except myself.

“Wesley.”

I look up then to see Elli and Noelle standing in the doorway of the tapes room.

Aiden scoffs. “Told ya.”

“Yup, Mama Adler don’t fuck around,” Boon mutters, and then he grins. “Hey, Mom!”

Elli grins at her sons-in-law. “Hey, boys.” Then she sets me with a look. “Wesley, I need to speak with you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I say, getting up and moving past the boys.

As I head down the stairs, some of the team is entering, and Josef teases, “Getting fired, Wes?”

“Ha. It’ll be you before me,” I throw back at him as I follow Noelle and Elli out and into one of the conference rooms.

“Have a seat,” Elli requests, and I do as she says. Our owner is one gorgeous lady. She is always dressed to the nines, and she carries herself like the boss she is. Noelle looks sick to her stomach, and I hate that. I know she cares for me, loves me like her own. She sits beside me as Elli sits at the head of the table. “How are you?”

I shrug. “I’ve been better.”

“I know, and I’m very sorry. I thought I’d made a good choice. But after hearing the tape, since you’ve waived confidentiality to me, and reading Melody’s notes, I can’t consciously have someone like that on my staff.”

I swallow hard. “Thank you.”

“What she said wasn’t professional—at all,” Noelle says then, and I meet her gaze. “Please don’t take what she said to heart, because believe me, Wes, you are doing wonderful. And once we get over the fear of your father, I know you’ll be where you need to be. Your growth is beyond textbook and is noteworthy. I promise you that.”

“I know,” I say softly. “I just hate being doubted, especially when I’m doing everything you’ve asked. We both discussed a relationship, and you agreed I could handle it. I know it’s new, but I thought this through.”

“I know you have,” she says with her whole heart. “I tried to deflect, and I tried to help and defend you, but she was awful, and I am so sorry. I thought she was going to be a good fit. I was wrong.”

“We all did,” Elli says then. “And again, I can’t apologize enough.”

“Thank you,” I say, meeting her gaze.

“I’ve asked Noelle to stay on for another month, and she’s agreed.”

I look to Noelle. “But your brother…”

“He’s okay for right now. Elli actually told me about this homestead for adults with disabilities that is run by one of our former players. We are going to try that for the month while I find a replacement. If he likes it, though, we may just stay.”

“Oh, Johansson’s place?”

“Yes,” she says with a smile.

“It’s awesome. I’ve volunteered out there. It’s so cool that they expanded it to more than just folks with Down syndrome.”

“Oh, fantastic. Yeah, I didn’t know it was there, but Jimmy is excited, and I am too.”

Elli grins. “See, I’m here for you. And, Wes, I’ll fight for you. You know that.”

“I do,” I murmur. “Thank you.”

“Do you feel better?” she asks, and I nod.

“Yeah, my boys are supportive, and I know you guys have my back.”

“We do,” she says sternly. “We all do.”

I smile, feeling so much better. But I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that Melody’s accusations scared the fuck out of me. I don’t want to hurt Stella. I don’t want my past to be an issue, but what if it is? What if I’m not meant to be with someone because of my past? Because of the damage it caused. But I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that I am capable and strong enough to be in a successful, loving relationship. To have everything that my friends have. To be a man Stella deserves. I want to be the person I deserve. Not some damaged fuckup who can’t survive.

I’m more than that.

But…what if I’m not?