Winter King by Sloane Murphy
4
Emilia
known pain my entire life. My parents perfected the art of it, and I thought I knew what true pain was, but it turns out being betrayed by people who you thought you could trust, when they turn their backs on you for no reason, at least not one that you have even a suspicion of, well that shit hurts like a son of a bitch. Physical pain, that I can take. I don’t feel pain like most people after suffering at the hands of my father and his minions. Bleeding doesn’t hurt. It makes me weak, especially when I have no access to my magik to be able to heal myself, but this kind of torture. I thought Lanora’s mind games were good, but Rohan’s ability to make me relive any little thing he wants, that he can dream up, this is what will break me.
The metal of the door scrapes on the concrete floor of my prison, and Rohan strolls into the room casually as if this is a quick visit.
“How goes it, dear sister of mine to be? Had any flash backs yet? Memories appear that you thought you’d forgotten?” He bites down on an apple and the juice runs down the skin of it, making my mouth water. I’ve barely eaten since I’ve been here, and I’ve never felt weaker.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Rohan.” I sigh. It’s been the same routine each time he’s visited me. I try to stop my body from reacting to his presence, but my stomach rolls.
“You will do, and you will give me the information I want. Even if we have to do this for a year. I have time. No one is looking for you. There is chaos all over Eressea thanks to my Hunter brethren. I’ve got our brothers running around trying to put out fires, and my brother hasn’t even told people you’re missing. Everyone thinks that you have some mystery illness.” He laughs. “Oh, how brilliant that he hasn’t even told me you’re missing, so I don’t even have to lie to his face about it. It’s fucking perfection.” My heart sinks at his words. Surely Cade wouldn’t think I’d leave, not after everything? He has to be looking for me… Right?
I try not to let Rohan see how his words affect me, but my heart feels like someone just punched a hole through it as the truth in his words hits me. I’ve been here for weeks, and I’ve not even heard from Cade. Surely if he was looking for me, he would reach out to me with his gift.
Rohan undoes his bottle of water and takes a mouthful before offering it to me, he feeds it to me, so fast that I almost choke on it. I cough and splutter as he pours the water over my face until I can barely breathe.
“Time to sleep, Emilia,” he almost sings with glee, and I feel myself get drowsy. I know what’s coming, so I try to fight it, even though I know I’m defenseless against his power.
* * *
I open my eyes, blinking slowly. I take in the scene around me, and I’m in a dark room that reminds me of my parents’ horrendous ballroom, dressed up for one of their terrible parties. I take a step forward and feel the soft material of my dress caress my legs, soft as silk. A cold breeze hits me from behind, but it doesn’t chill me. My eyes adjust to the darkness when I see the people I love, chained to the wall in front of me. The fear on their faces at the sight of me turns my stomach and confuses me.
“Why are you afraid?”
“Stay away from us, you monster,” Erion calls out to me, trying to cover his son with his body, but failing. His wrists bleed from his struggle.
“I didn’t…” I feel so confused. My body moves forward, but it’s as if I’m watching myself all of a sudden. A wicked smile covers my face, and that’s when I see the curved dagger in my hand. “Nice of you to see me for who I really am, brother. You always said I’d enjoy my darkness if I let it run free.” I scream at the images in front of my eyes. Then all of a sudden I’m her, I feel the heaviness of the blade in my hand but I have no control over my body.
“You were right. The sound of your screams brings me more joy than I ever imagined.” I feel my fire heat my free hand, and I push it against Erion’s bare chest, delighting in the pain, and horrified at the same moment. Erion Junior’s cries reach my ears and I throw my head back laughing manically, and there is nothing I can do to stop the horrors I’m committing.
“Emilia, stop. This isn’t you,” Cade cries out, his voice hoarse, and that’s when I notice him. Almost naked, and nearly every inch of his body is bleeding or burnt.
“This is exactly who I am, dear husband, what’s wrong? Don’t like your choice in wife after all?” He flinches as I turn towards him, and my heart soars. Finally they fear me. Finally I am who I was always destined to be.
“No, Emmy. This isn’t who you are.” Edimere’s voice reaches me from the other side of the room, caged along with my grandmother.
“You know nothing,” I spit. “You left me. Both of you. Your punishment is seeing what you left behind. Seeing who I became without you.”
“No Emilia,” my grandmother says softly. “You are more than this, you were meant for more.”
“I was made for nothing more than this. My destiny is not planned, fate has no designs for me. I am not special, the world doesn’t weigh on my shoulders. I am nothing but this, pain and anger. Pain became my friend long ago, and now I’m sharing that with the people who are supposed to love me the most. THIS IS A FUCKING GIFT.” My laughter rings out around the room, echoing in the emptiness.
Please don’t do this, I think. Trying to push my thoughts on this version of myself. No matter how much I will my hands to drop the blade, my body doesn’t respond to me, and I’m trapped here, in my head, watching the horrors I’m committing.
I spin around with my blade out held at Lily’s neck. “You left me too. Watching you die changed me. You didn’t even fight back. Now look at you, a sniveling, pathetic mess.” I withdraw the blade and walk the path in front of those chained to the wall. Cade, Erion, his son, Lily, Cybil. So few people left in my life, so few people to give a fuck about what they’ve done to me. So few people to share my pain with.
“Emmy, please.” Edimere’s voice rings out, and it’s nothing like I remember. My head shakes and I lose the small feeling of regret that bloomed at his pleading.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP.” I take my blade and slice through Erion from throat to groin, reveling in the gurgles of his last breathes and the screams that follow. “Who gets to feel my pain next?”
Emilia, can you hear me? I hear Cade’s voice in my head, but I know that can’t be right. I cling to the sound of his voice, not afraid and thready like the Cade I see before me.
My body moves towards Cade’s, and I press up against him, kissing his lips roughly. “What’s wrong, husband? I thought my pain was your pain? That my burdens were yours. Are you breaking your oaths to me?”
“Emilia, I don’t know who you are right now, but you are not the woman I married, or the woman I fell in love with. My oaths were made to her. When she turns up, I’ll keep my oaths of sharing your pain, but this, what you’re doing. This isn’t you.” I scream and rush towards him, and run my blade across his chest, cutting deep enough to maim but not kill.
I scream out inside my own head. Stop, please stop. I can’t do this. I cry inside my mind but my body just laughs at his anguished cries.
I hear a noise behind me and turn to see who is there, but I feel the strike on the back of my head and everything goes dark.
* * *
I wake up crying, Rohan’s laughter echoing around me. Blood trickles down my face from my nose, but there is nothing I can do to clear it or my tears with my arms bound.
“Oh, Emilia, how fun it is digging around in your head while you enjoy these wonderful delights. Your inner turmoil is like pure joy to my soul. But I saw her in there you know, your grandmother. Now I know your mother was telling the truth. I just need to find a way to access the repressed memories, and I can stop all of this. If only you’d help me, you’d help yourself.”
“I can’t help you, Rohan. I can’t give you something I don’t have. My grandmother was there, but so was Edi. That horror show was nothing more than my worst fears, it means nothing.” He roars as he crosses the room and hits me across the face so hard my vision blurs, followed by a punch to my stomach that steals my breath.
“You will give me what I want, Emilia, or what you saw happen in there is nothing. That is only a fraction of what I can, and will do if you force me to. You have the power here, Em. You can make all of this stop. You can stop all the plans I have in motion to destroy everyone you love, destroy this pathetic little island and everything you hold dear. But until you tell me what I need to know, you’ll stay here, listening to everything we’ve done. All of the lives we take in search of what we want. All because you held out on me.”
“Rohan this is insane, you’ve lost your mind. I cannot give you what I don’t have. I don’t even know what you’re searching for.”
“You don’t need to know. All you need to do is open your mind to me, let down your walls. I will find what it is myself.”
“And what will you do when you have it?”
“I will make the world right again. I will restore things to how they were meant to be. Restore the order of things. The world we live in is tainted and twisted. Things are not the way they once were.”
“Nothing you’re saying makes any sense, Rohan. Please, just let me go. Maybe we can work together to make things better, sort out the problems that you have.” I plead with him, but I know it’s useless. He looks unhinged, delirious. Like the smallest of things will break him.
“Maybe once upon a time I would have believed you, but not anymore. My mother saw what is coming and it drove her mad. She couldn’t accept the rightful way of things. The true order. She isn’t strong enough, but I am. I will be more than I was destined to be.”
“Your mother? Rohan, this doesn’t make any sense to me. Please, just tell me what you mean. Maybe that will trigger whatever memory it is you’re looking for.” He looks pensive, his drawn cheeks hollow as he sucks in a breath.
“Master Vasara, the scouts are back,” a Hunter woman says tightly from the door of my prison.
“Excellent, it seems our time is up for now, Emilia. I’ll be back though. Maybe you should think on what we’ve discussed here today. Maybe, just maybe, next time we visit, you’ll hurt just a little less,” he says with a tight smile, and sweeps from the room, the Hunter woman locks the door and follows him. Their footsteps echo down the stone hall, growing fainter. Only when I hear them no more do I relax, and the sobs take over my body.
Emilia, can you hear me?
I laugh through my tears, I finally am starting to break. Hearing Cade in my head. After all this time, I know it can’t be him. I let the tears run freely, letting go of the pain and hurt from today, and from so much more. My parents’ deaths, Lily’s murder, losing my brother, losing the friend I thought I had in Rohan. Not to mention Oberon’s betrayal and losing Cade to whatever madness it is I’m now trapped in. I feel the pain pour out of me until I feel empty. Numb. I ride the waves of numbness until I drift off to sleep.
* * *
“Emilia.” I am shaken awake, and open my eyes to find an unfamiliar face.
“Who are you?” I ask dubiously, the only people here are Hunters, and none of them wish me well.
“I am no one in the grand scheme of things, but you need to be strong. There is more at play here than you could possibly imagine. Even if you remember what the boy prince wants, if the secret was cursed to you, you must protect that memory, the secrets it holds, at all costs. You cannot let him know the truth of it.”
“If you are here to help, as you imply, then take these cuffs from my wrists,” I plead, hating myself for how weak I have become. I want nothing else than to get myself out of this fucking place.
“It is not time yet, but know that your time is coming. Help is coming in the most unforeseen ways. You must just hold on a little longer. I need to go, my presence will be felt soon if I do not. Just remember, you are stronger than you think. Everything you have been through was to make sure you were strong enough for this moment. Every path led you here. Trust in your fate, give yourself over to it.” He looks around skittishly. “I must go, stay strong.”
His voice fades as does the sight of him in front of me until I’m alone in the room again, wondering if what just happened was real, a figment of my imagination, or just Rohan fucking with me. I’m losing grasp on reality, his visions seem so real, and each time I come out of them, it’s harder to distinguish between what was real and what wasn’t. The memories stay with me as if I lived them, haunting me in my sleep.
But what if it was real? Then what? If it was real, who was he? What was he? Because no Fae I’ve ever heard of has power like that, and I can’t imagine anyone else wanting to help me. If he was real, then whatever Rohan wants must be in my memories, right? Though he said if… my head hurts with the maybes and what ifs. I shake my head and sigh. I have no way to know if it was real or not, I sure as hell don’t trust my own mind any longer. Not with Rohan around. For all I know I’m not even really in this room. The thought sends a shudder through me. I could be so close to home, but this entire place could be one elaborate illusion. Fuck!
The possibilities whir through my mind a thousand a minute. If this is an illusion, I could access my power. Maybe? Though if this was an illusion, would I know it is? Would I have even thought about it? I groan in frustration, I fucking hate this shit. I never wanted to be that girl. You know the one, the dainty little princess locked in a tower waiting to be saved. Fuck my life I’m a stupid fucking human fairy tale. The irony of it all. I twist my wrists in the cuffs, trying to see if they’re any looser now than when I was captured, god knows my frame has shrunk from the lack of food, but the cuffs feel just as tight now as they did when they were put on me. I try to feel for a weakness, and tug at them until I’m breathless, but if anything, they feel even tighter. My head droops forward, resting my chin on my chest as I wrack my mind for some way to save myself, but I know that I lack in physical strength. I’ve always kept myself in shape, but I’m naturally disposed to be able to fight gracefully, my strength lies in using my power. That is how my father taught me to fight, not with my body, that wasn’t fitting of a princess, and my brothers would never trust a girl with a sword.
I pull myself out of my downward spiral of regret and decide that whether the man who appeared to me was real or not, I would take his advice. I am strong enough to withstand the worst Rohan can throw at me. If I am meant to be here, then I can survive this. This will not be the end of me, fate would not let it be. Right?
