Perfect Embrace by Kaylee Ryan

Chapter 24

Grayson

“Fuck!” I scream, pounding my fists on my desk.

“That make you feel better?” Canaan asks.

“Fuck off.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll stay,” he says, taking the chair across from my desk. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. I walk in on you yelling at Laken, the woman you love. The same woman who has put a smile on your face and the face of your daughters’ the last few months. That’s not nothing, Grayson.”

“Stay out of it.”

“Nope. You see, that’s not what friends do. We don’t stay out of it. What’s going on in your head, man? You just broke things off with her.”

“I know what I did,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Did she cheat on you?”

“No. Laken would never.”

“Did she lie to you?”

“No.”

“Did she steal from you?”

“No.”

“Is the sex bad?”

“Enough!” I boom.

He grins. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. So, what’s the problem?”

I sigh, sitting back in my chair. “Nothing. We just… rolled into this thing really fast, and we need to slow it down.”

“Yeah, I’m going to call bullshit on that one too.”

“Leave it alone, Canaan.”

“Let me ask you this, and then I’ll leave it be. For now. When you look into the future in five years, who do you see standing next to you with the girls? I know you lost Holly. It was tragic, and I know if you had your choice, you wouldn’t be in this situation, but you are, Grayson. Holly is gone. So tell me. Five years from now, who is it that stands next to you? How about ten? Fifteen? Twenty?”

I don’t answer him because we both already know it’s Laken. I loved my wife with every fiber of my being, but the love I have for Laken, it’s… different. I can’t explain it. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve loved and lost, or if our connection is just that much stronger, but I feel the loss of her walking out of my office, out of my life, like an elephant sitting on my chest.

“Give yourself some time to really think about what I’m asking, Grayson. Then you need to pull your head out of your ass and go get your girl.”

“Are you done?” I ask him.

He raises his hand in defense and stands. “Let me know if you need help wooing your girl.”

“Fuck off,” I say for the second time. His laughter follows him out of my office. Burying my face in my hands, I fight off the tears that threaten to fall. I’m a mess.

I love Laken. I’ve given her my heart. She loves my daughters, but the guilt…. Fuck, I can’t get past the guilt that threatens to strangle me.

I spend the rest of the day locked in my office. Thankfully, it was quiet, and we didn’t have any runs. I don’t look over at the bookstore as I pass it on my way to pick up the girls from my mom. I can’t. It hurts too much to know she’s in there, and I’m pushing her away. I just don’t know how else to handle it. It’s too much.

Ten minutes later, I’m pulling into my parents’ driveway. I don’t bother knocking, opting for letting myself inside.

“Daddy!” the girls call out when they see me and race toward me. “How was you day?” Harlow asks.

“It was a long day. How about you?” I ask my daughter.

“Waken is sick, Daddy. We need to take her a blankie,” Hayden announces.

My eyes find my mom’s. “We went for story time today, but Lenora was watching the store. She said that Laken wasn’t feeling well.”

“I’m sure she has a blankie of her own,” I tell her.

“But, Daddy. If Waken is our new mommy, we hafta take care of her,” Harlow replies.

My heart drops to my toes. “Girls, we’ve talked about this. Your mommy is in heaven.”

“Girls, why don’t we go pack up your things?” my dad suggests.

I place them on their feet, and they follow him to get their things packed up.

“Gray?” my mom says. I lift my head, not bothering to hide my tears. “Oh my, come here.” She pulls me into a hug, and I fight the burn behind my eyes. “What’s going on?”

Before I can tell her, Dad appears without the girls. “I distracted them with a cartoon. Start talking, son.”

So I do. I tell them about the night the girls were sick and how they asked for Laken to be their “here” mommy. I tell them how I’ve avoided her this week because I can’t get my head on straight, and I finish with what happened earlier.

“Do you love her, Grayson?” my dad asks.

“Yes.”

“Does she love you?”

“She does.”

“Is she good to your girls?”

I swallow hard. This is the hardest to admit after all that I’ve put her through. “She treats them as if they were her own.”

“What’s the problem?” he asks.

“I’m not trying to replace Holly. I would never do that.”

“No one said that you were, son.”

“The guilt.” I rub at my chest. “I can’t see past it. I never want them to forget how much Holly loved them. I want them to know how incredible she was.” My voice cracks.

“Can you not do that with Laken in your life?”

“How? Tell me how, Dad? Tell me how to release this guilt, and I’ll do it. I loved Holly, but Laken, it’s different.”

“That’s because you were a boy when you fell in love with Holly. Now you’re a man—a father. Of course, it’s going to be different. Laken and Holly are two different people.”

“I love them both. What kind of man does that make me, Dad? Huh? I’m in love with my dead wife and my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend,” I say as pain slices my heart wide open.

“Gray?” My mom speaks up. I force my eyes to hers, and she sets her phone on the table face down. “How long has it been since you’ve gone to see Holly?”

“A couple of months. I went the day I took Laken out on our first date. I wanted her to know.”

“Did that help you?”

“It did.” I nod.

“Maybe you should go back? Talk to her?”

“You know that sounds crazy, right?”

“I think it sounds like you’re hurting. I think it sounds like you’re letting yourself drown in sorrow and grief for moving on. Grayson, it’s been over three years since you lost her. You’re not doing anything wrong by moving on.”

“I should go.” I can’t handle this. The guilt weighs heavy on my chest, and the pain in my heart, the ache from the thought of the girls replacing Holly in their lives, is crippling. Sure, I know that’s now what they’re doing, they’re four—how could they know that their simple request would bring me to my knees?

“Why don’t you let the girls stay with us? Take a drive, go to the cemetery. Take some time to breathe, son. You need time to process this.”

“I haven’t been with them all day,” I fire back.

“And there is nothing wrong with that. They are safe, and they are loved. I’ll make dinner, and you can come back and eat with us.”

“You don’t want them to see you upset like this. At least take a drive and compose yourself,” Dad suggests.

“You’re right.” I nod. I’ve already snapped at my daughters, and that’s unacceptable. They didn’t do a damn thing wrong, but I still took my grief, my guilt out on them. The pain from that knowledge also sits on my shoulders like a thousand-pound weight. “I won’t be gone long. I’m just going to drive around.”

“We’ll be here. You want some company?” Dad offers.

“No. I’m good. Thank you both. Just… take care of my girls.”

“Always,” they agree.

* * *

Half an hour later, I find myself pulling into the cemetery. The last time I was here, I promised I would bring the girls to visit, and I have yet to do that—just something else to add to my pile of guilt.

Climbing out of the truck, I make my way to her grave. I stop and sit on the grass, just like I do every time I’m here. “Hey, Holls.” My voice cracks. “I need to start by apologizing for not bringing the girls with me. I know I promised I would bring them by soon, and well, I’ve yet to do that. That’s on me, and I’ll fix it. I promise.”

Closing my eyes, I battle with my emotions. “I’ve made a mess of this, Holly. I don’t know how it all happened, but I fell in love with Laken. The woman I told you about. She’s brought light back into my life, the same one that went out when I lost you. It’s not just me, but the girls too. She loves them, Holly. She’s so good to them, and they love her too.” I swallow hard. Once, twice, three times before finding my voice again.

“They asked me if she could be their new mommy, and I don’t know how to handle that. I brought a woman into their lives, and they’ve fallen in love with her, and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I never want to replace you in their lives. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Grayson?”

My eyes pop open, and I look around only to find Christine, Holly’s mom, standing next to me. She takes a seat on the ground and reaches for my hand.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Your mom.” She gives me a sad smile. “You know, my daughter loved you with all of her heart.”

“I know.” I nod. “I love her with all of mine.”

“I know you did, Grayson. There isn’t a doubt in my mind of the love that the two of you shared.”

“I messed up,” I confess. “The girls, they’re asking about Laken being their new mom. I’m so sorry, Christine. I promise you I never wanted to replace Holly in their lives. Never. I would never.”

“Of course not. Is that what you think? That Laken being in your lives is replacing Holly?”

“Isn’t it? They asked if she could be their new mommy. That’s messed up. I let that happen.”

“You’re right. You let a kind-hearted woman into your lives. You showed those girls that love is a beautiful thing. You showed them that even though we lose someone, it’s okay to open our hearts to someone else.”

“I let them fall in love with her.”

“There is nothing wrong with that, Grayson.” We’re both quiet for a few minutes when she hands me an envelope. “I have something for you.”

“What is it?”

“After the girls were born and you went back to work, your mom and me, we took turns helping Holly until she was ready to be on her own physically with the girls. One day out of the blue, she asked me if I could watch them while she went upstairs. I assumed she was going to lie down. However, a couple of hours later, she came down and handed me that envelope.” She points to the white paper in my hands. “She told me that if something ever happened to her, that she wanted me to hold onto this letter. She said that when you finally found it in your heart to let someone else in to give this to you.”

“What?” I manage to whisper.

“She said that there was something weighing heavy on her heart, and she needed to write it all down. I didn’t ask questions. She’d just given birth to twins, and her emotions and hormones were all over the place. Instead, I took the letter and promised her that if something ever happened to her, and you found love again, that I would give it to you.”

“This is from her?” My voice cracks.

“It is. I’m sorry I’m just now giving it to you. I’d forgotten about it until your mom texted me earlier. She said you were struggling with guilt and wanted to know if I might be able to talk to you, to help you through it.”

“Why? You lost her too. You lost both of your daughters that night. Why would she ask that of you?” I ask, angry on her behalf.

“Because I lost both of my daughters that night. I know the pain you’re going through. Marty and I both do. We miss our daughters every single day.”

“Then you know I did the right thing by ending my relationship with Laken.” Even as I say the words, they sting.

“No, Grayson, I don’t agree with your choice. It’s your choice to make, but I don’t agree with it. I want you and those girls to move on. I want you to live a full, happy life. I think Laken is the one to live that life with the three of you.” She leans over and places a kiss on my cheek. “Read the letter.”

“Have you read it?”

“No. Those are her words to you, but I have a feeling you’ll find what you need in that envelope.” She stands and starts to walk away. “Grayson?” I turn to look at her. “Thank you for loving my daughter the way that you do.” With that, she turns and walks away.

“Leave it to you to get the last word in,” I say as I slide my finger under the lip of the envelope and pull out a handwritten letter. My heart hammers in my chest at the familiar slope of her writing. Taking a deep breath, I begin to read.

Grayson,

If you’re reading this, that means that I’m no longer walking this earth. That’s the only thing that could ever keep me away from you and our daughters. Today was your first day back to work, and I can’t shake this feeling of what-if… What if something were to happen to me? Would you and the girls know how much I love you? Would you know that my life, our life, is amazing, and I’m grateful for every single day I got to spend with you and our babies?

So, that’s why I’m writing this letter. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old, Grayson Davis, and I promise you even when my heart stops beating, I will love you. As a little girl, you dream of your prince charming. I was lucky enough to find mine at a young age. You are the best husband and father a woman could ask for.

This is really hard for me to write, but it needs to be said. Please stay with me while I get this out.

I love you. I know that you love me. You love fiercely and without apology, and it’s one of the things that drew me to you in the first place. I never had to worry about you cheating or leaving me for someone else. You’re loyal to a fault, and that’s why I need to say this.

Grayson, I know how much you loved me. I know how much you love our daughters. You have a huge heart. Trust me, I know. You’ve shown it to me every single day since we were sixteen.

If you’re reading this, then I know you’ve fallen in love again. I’m going to tell Mom to hold onto this letter until then. So, yeah, you’ve met someone. Let me start by saying I’m happy for you and for her. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of your love, and I know how you make her feel. Like the sun is shining down on you no matter the temperature outside, and her heart, well, it's yours. There is no way that you would give your heart to her without her giving to you in return.

I also know that she loves our daughters. You would never let a woman into their lives who wasn’t worthy of them. I also know that at some point, you’re going to second-guess all of it. The love you have for this new woman, and the love she has for our daughters, and more than likely, the love they have for her.

I want you to do something for me, Grayson. I want you to embrace that love. Hold it close to your chest, and never let go. I want you to cherish it and live it every single day. I want you to reach for your second chance at happily ever after. I want you to chase it. I want you and our daughters to know what it’s like to grow up in a house where a man loves a woman. I want you to show them by example how they need to be treated. When they fall in love, I want them to say, Daddy, he loves me like you love Mom.

Yes, “Mom” has a double meaning. They’ll have two mommies to love them. One from afar and one with you, living each day. I want that for them. If I can’t be there, I want the woman you love to fill my shoes. I want them to know what that’s like, Grayson. And I know you. You’re going to freak out if they want to call her Mom, but, Gray, it’s okay. I want them to love her. I want you to love her. I don’t want the three of you to feel any kind of remorse for allowing her into your hearts. I want our daughters to have moments with her that I can’t be there for. I know you, and I know you will only love someone who can love our daughters like I would if I were there.

Let her love you.

Let her love them.

All I ask is that you never forget me. Make sure our daughters and the love of your life know that I’m watching over all of you. I want you to know I’m smiling down on the four of you and wishing you nothing but love and happiness.

I know this is hard, and it’s killing me to write this letter. Not because every word isn’t true, but because I never want to leave the three of you. However, I know that nothing is certain.

Today, when you left for work and I looked at our daughters, my heart was so full of love I thought it might burst. Then it hit me… If something ever happens to me, will they know that? Will they know that I love them, and I want love for them? So, Grayson, this is me asking you to love again.

Love for me. Love for our girls, and most of all, love for you. You have so much love in that big heart of yours. Share it with her, Grayson. Be happy.

All my love.

Always and Forever.

Holly

I’m sobbing as I fold the letter, slipping it back into the envelope. “I love you, Holls. I love her too. I pushed her away because the guilt was eating away at me, and here you are, pushing me toward her. I thank God for every day we had with you.”

I stand. Kissing my fingers, I place them over her name. “I’ll bring the girls by soon. I promise.” A gust of wind whips through out of nowhere, and I laugh. “Yeah, I’ll bring her too. If I can convince her to forgive me.”

Wiping my eyes, I head to my truck. I need to hug my daughters. I need to tell them I love them and that their mommy loves them. It’s been a while since we’ve looked at pictures, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do tonight. The girls need a gentle reminder of their mommy in heaven. And then tomorrow, tomorrow I grovel and plead for Laken to forgive me. I’ve lost one woman that I love. I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose another.