SEAL Daddy by Sofia T Summers
Nicole
We passed plenty of beaches between my townhouse and First Landing State Park, but I preferred it over the tourist-laden beaches. Even in April, resorts would rake the beaches flat and set out rental chairs for their guests. There was never a chance of finding a good seashell or sand dollar, and Jessica’s place was on the way to the park anyway.
“Long time no see,” she greeted me while hopping into the front seat. “And how’s my little goddaughter this morning?”
“Hi!” Charlotte called from her seat.
“Hi, Charlotte,” Jessica turned around to reach for her waving hand.
With her thick dark hair pulled into a ponytail, Jessica’s olive-toned face stretched into a wide smile. She could be quick-tempered and fiery at times, but she got it from her Costa Rican mother as well as her pear-shaped figure.
I couldn’t have imagined how lucky I was to have her as my mentor in our old sorority. Jessica Cartier had been a social-butterfly junior at William and Mary when I was just a skeptical freshman. I’d never anticipated going out for formal recruitment, but the girls of Alpha Beta Omega were friendly and genuine. Two weeks later, I was running home towards fifty other girls decorated in white daisies and pearls, and Jessica had been like a real sister to me ever since.
“I made some chicken salad croissant sandwiches for our picnic today,” she told me as I pulled out from the condo building’s parking lot. “They also had strawberries on sale at the grocery store.”
“Great,” I replied. “I have cheese crackers and drinks for us in Lottie’s backpack.”
Finding a radio station not playing commercials, Jessica laughed, “I hope it’s not all breast milk.”
“No,” I defended myself while laughing. “It’s iced tea for us, and there’s milk for Lottie.”
“Me?” Lottie exclaimed with surprise.
Our eyes meeting between her rearview mirror and mine, I nodded. “Yes, Lottie. We’re going to the beach for a picnic.”
“Beach!” She repeated, not knowing what the word meant.
“Have you ever taken her to the beach?” Jessica asked as she found a pop station actually playing music.
“We went once last summer, but she wasn’t even a year old,” I recalled. “She hasn’t been in the ocean yet.”
“Well, it’s too cold for that today,” Jessica considered.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I thought we could start with seashells and sand. Then, we can slowly work our way to the water.”
Charlotte had become curious about everything recently. Her doe eyes regarded the entire world with skepticism and underlying interest. Still, she wasn’t afraid to stick her fingers into this or open every lower cabinet in our kitchen. I was the only one worrying that she might hurt herself.
After finishing the fifty-minute drive, my daughter was easy to get out of her car seat and toddle towards the boardwalk. Jessica held onto Charlotte’s hand to keep her from vanishing, while I grabbed the stuff from the trunk of my compact red crossover. Having a baby taught me quickly that the little convertible I used to drive wouldn’t cut it. I needed every inch of storage space I could get.
“Are you excited to see the beach, Lottie?” Jessica asked her as she scooped her up into arms.
“Beach!” She repeated with a thrill.
“Come on, Lottie,” I called to her. “The beach is this way!”
Jessica and I strolled down one of the four boardwalks, letting Charlotte take in the trees and the park. We heard the calm waves of the cold bay before we could see the actual beach. There were only a handful of people out on the long stretch of shoreline, kicking off their shoes and rolling up their pants legs like us. I bent over to roll up my size-fourteen jeans before wiggling my toes in the sand.
After I got our rainbow-striped picnic blanket spread out, Jessica settled Charlotte onto the blanket. I rolled up the legs of my jeans and pulled off my leather sandals. The wind was still cool, but the bright sun and my peachy-pink sweater made up the difference. In a yellow long-sleeved t-shirt, Jessica pushed up her sleeves and unpacked our lunch.
Lottie forgot we were both there as she inspected the sand with incredulity.
Her button nose scrunching up, she questioned, “Beach?”
“It’s sand, Lottie,” I explained with a smile. “It’s part of the beach.”
With the little granules sticking to her hand, my daughter stared at the soil like it was some kind of extra-terrestrial. She stuck her pinky in her mouth to taste it, then instantly pulled it out.
“It’s not to eat,” I sighed. “Sand isn’t food.”
Whimpering with dismay, I had to wipe off Lottie’s hand and offer her a sippy bottle of milk. She took it happily, quickly forgetting the whole ordeal. Charlotte looked up to the cloudless sky as her overall-clad legs sprawled across the blanket.
“Here, Nicole,” Jessica said after unwrapping my croissant sandwich.
Taking the food and a napkin, I told her, “Thanks.”
“You know,” she remarked. “I can’t believe how big Charlotte’s gotten in the last couple of weeks.”
“We had a checkup just last week,” I replied, glancing Lottie’s way. “She’s thirty inches tall, and she weighs just over twenty-one pounds. It’s just shy of the median for her age, but her pediatrician is really happy about it. After being born eight weeks early, Lottie’s technically ahead of her expected development.”
“Oh right,” Jessica realized with a nod. “She should be… fifteen months now?”
“About that,” I agreed.
Watching Charlotte study the world around her, I wondered what my mother would’ve said. There were so many questions I wished I’d thought to ask. Dad would tell me stories, but it wasn’t the same. My mother was twenty-two when I was born. Although I didn’t remember it, Mom was left to raise me the next year when Dad deployed.
I wanted to know how she handled the late nights. I was curious how I handled being weaned from breastfeeding. There were so many things I’d never considered until I was a mother myself. However, Mom wasn’t with me, not in the way I wanted her to be.
The hardest part about someone dying wasn’t the death. It was all the living that came afterward. No matter how I adjusted to her absence, I couldn’t deny how much I wished Charlotte knew her grandmother. Every happy memory was twinged with the disappointment of a missed opportunity.
Setting my yearning aside, I asked Jessica about her work at the Chrysler Museum of Art. She was the specialist who helped visitors connect with the art, and she was currently working with curators to prepare a new sculpture exhibit that would align with the summer art camp the museum ran for grade-school kids. Some of Jessica’s lingo went over my head, but I was happy to see my best friend excited about her work. Working at the museum was her dream career.
Jessica had never been one to shy away. She was naturally passionate and dedicated. Even when we combed the beach for shells, she did it with gusto.
I found a dried sand dollar and showed it to Lottie. She was still getting used to the idea of sand, but she enjoyed the colors of her shells. Jessica admired the patterns on a swirling scotch bonnet, showing Lottie how the tan stripes reflected the colors of the sand.
“Isn’t it pretty, Lottie?” Jessica remarked cheerfully.
Running her hand across it, Charlotte got lost in the texture of the seashell. She plopped down in the sand as we all took a little break from walking. I spread my legs around my daughter, keeping her safe and content against me.
“I know you don’t like talking about it, but since we mentioned Charlotte growing up,” Jessica began hesitantly. “It makes me wonder if her father would like to see her.”
Stray pieces of hair blew across my face as I met Jessica’s chocolate-brown eyes. Time and again, Jessica had pressed me about Charlotte’s father. I told her he was just some good-looking stranger every single time. I memorized a whole lie about a party during one of the Duke versus Carolina basketball games. Carolina won, and I was drunk. Mom’s cancer had just started to make her kidneys fail, and I knew it was the end.
Back then, I ached to cling to the one beautiful thing in my life, holding on with a scrap of strength left inside me. The yearning had been real, but the man wasn’t.
“I don’t know, Jess,” I sighed. “It’s never really been an option before.”
“Before?” Jessica repeated. “Has that changed?”
“No,” I insisted before admitting the truth. “Well… kind of.”
Jessica’s eyes widened with surprise, “You found him? Do you know where that Dylan guy is now?”
I looked out at the expanse of white sand and the piers in the far distance. At that moment, I longed to know what my mother would’ve said. I heard the waves hitting the shore and the gulls overhead, but I couldn’t hear her. I was on my own.
Sighing, I insisted, “You have to promise this stays here.”
“Of course,” Jessica agreed, shifting her body to face me.
My fingers wrapped around Charlotte’s arms. In her denim bucket hat and overalls, she was still enamored by her little pile of shells. My daughter enjoyed her own little world, and I wanted to keep it safe for her sake and mine.
“I never thought I’d see him again,” I began. “He’s been gone for so long, but I know he’s back in town and planning to stick around.”
“Did that Dylan guy get a job in Norfolk or something?” Jessica pressed. “Did you run into him somewhere?”
I shook my head. “Dylan doesn’t exist. It was, um, Jason.”
Jessica grew quiet for a long moment as the information sunk into her mind. She blinked several times in surprise. Her mouth hung open for so long, I worried one of the sea birds might try to make a nest there.
“Jason,” she echoed in shock. “Jason Miller? Your dad’s old college friend, Jason Benjamin Miller?”
“Yes,” I groaned with a flush of embarrassment reddening my cheeks and ears. “I can’t believe you actually remember his middle name.”
“Well, you used to talk about him enough that I should know his social security number,” Jessica recalled while poking my shoulder. “He was your handsome captain.”
Teasing me with my old words, I’d forgotten how much I used to talk about him when we were roommates during the sophomore year, but I couldn’t help myself. He’d become the literal man of my dreams. His wolfish grin followed me around campus. While haunting me as a debonair phantom, I memorized the straight line of his nose and the square shape of his chiseled jaw. His face looked like Michelangelo had carved Jason out of the finest marble, while his strong body was marked with the memories of combat.
He’d been my rock in such a turbulent time, only making my infatuation worse. I got carried away. Now, Lottie existed as living proof.
“He was never mine,” I corrected her. “We were just drinking the night before I went back to North Carolina, and I… I wanted to pretend he was mine for one moment. I didn’t consider the consequences. I never imagined Charlotte would happen.”
At the sound of her name, Charlotte looked up from her shells. I smiled back at her, tapping her little nose to make her laugh. We picked up a heavy old clamshell, and she seemed impressed by the weight and varying textures.
“I mean, I get why you would be attracted to him,” my friend admitted. “He’s definitely hot, in a beastly sort of way. He’s got that brooding lone-wolf thing going on and then he has that nice smile. I only met him at your mother’s funeral reception, but I have to be honest… he really filled out that suit he wore. Is it awful how well I remember that?”
I laughed lightly, “No, Mom would’ve preferred it. She hated being fussed over.”
“Didn’t she buy you a present for Mother’s day once?” Jessica recalled with a grin. “I vaguely remember her coming down for move-out day with a gift.”
“Yes,” I remembered, still giggling. “She said I deserved it because she couldn’t be a mother without me.”
Mom had always been one of those selfless people who didn’t let the world’s cruelty tarnish their outlook. Even when her body was betraying her, my mother remained hopeful. She welcomed every treatment and made the most of her hospital visits. She’d made friends with the nurses, some of which she taught as children. I still remembered how one girl showed off her engagement ring during one of Mom’s blood transfusions.
She’d been so strong. I didn’t want to disappoint her by being cowardly, but there was fear in my heart. Jason was back in town, apparently to stay. That meant I had to face something I wasn’t prepared to handle.
“It’s just been Lottie and me for so long,” I muttered into the sea breeze. “Besides, I’m not sure he wants children. I don’t even know if he wants to see me.”
Nodding, Jessica sighed, “I’ll always support you, Nicole, but we both know Jason is a good man and pretty fearless. I don’t think a little girl is going to send him running.”
“He would if Dad found out the truth,” I considered. “My father already wants to throttle the guy I invented.”
“Well, I can’t disagree with you there,” Jessica relented. “Still, you should talk to Jason.”
Digging my hands and toes into the sand, I knew that was easier said than done. A few days of companionship didn’t equate to doubtless trust. Still, I’d trusted him with my body. I gave myself to him happily, and Jason gave me a piece of himself in return. I saw it every time I looked into Charlotte’s golden-brown eyes.
Still, I had to take his radio silence as a sign. Jason wasn’t looking for a second chance. Without any real guarantees, I couldn’t expose my heart or my daughter to rejection.
After everything else, I didn’t know how we’d survive it.
