Saving Emmy by Rayne Lewis
Chapter 34
Eli handed her the cup of herbal tea but she shook her head, so he placed it on the bedside table then sat beside her and ran his hand over her blanketed hip.
Neither felt like talking.
It was a waiting game now. Wait and see was the advice they were given. Wait and see; hope and pray. A week had passed since she’d been kidnaped and she was now four weeks pregnant. At least, that’s what they hoped.
Eli climbed over her legs to the other side of the bed and spooned her to his chest. She cradled herself in his arms wishing the world would go away and time would stand still. That she could stay in this moment forever and still carry their child. But, sometimes fate was cruel. Unpredictable.
“I keep waiting for something to happen, cramping or spotting, something...anything. And, I know stress isn’t what I'm supposed to be putting myself through, but how can I feel anything but that?” Ember held tight to Eli’s arm, pressed against her chest. Sorrow ripped at her heart. “I just want to get it over with; if it’s going to happen, I want it to just happen. But, then I fill myself with guilt and grief and hatred for even thinking like that, wanting to hold on to this precious little baby every second I can.” She cradled her flat stomach, willing their child to hold on.
* * *
Eli lowered his hands to her belly as if he could protect the little bean from harm. He couldn’t see Ember’s face but he heard the tears in her voice and felt them wrack her body as she sobbed. He had to be strong for her. Be the rock he always was and not let her know he spent every morning and evening sobbing silently in the shower. It was the only place he could let loose and cry the anguished tears of the unknown. He let the wetness of his tears wash over his face and mingle with the droplets of water from the shower head. He suffered in silence so he could be her stronghold.
After the overwhelming joy of hearing Ember was carrying his child, the world came crashing down around them with the force of sobering truth. Although the lab results verified she was indeed pregnant, the trauma from the tasing in the parking lot may have ended it. It was too early to hear a fetal heartbeat, and though an ultrasound could show the proof of an embryo, no heartbeat could be detected until five-and-a-half weeks at the earliest, to know for sure if it was still a viable pregnancy. That was a week-and-a-half from now. So, for the last seven days, Ember was trying to stay calm and stress-free, which was nearly impossible. Eli knew if he was feeling the range and rollercoaster of emotions weighing on him, she had to be feeling them ten-fold.
He felt her shoulders shake and she curled even deeper into him. “Shhh, Emmy. It’s okay,” he spoke into the crook of her neck. “Don’t get yourself worked up. Remember what the doctor said.” It was the same thing he told her every time she crumbled and needed reassurance.
She tore back the covers with force and peeled out of bed. “I know what the fuck the doctor said, Eli. I was right there with you!” She began to pace.
“Em, come on, sit back down, have some tea,” he motioned to the cup on the nightstand, “don’t get worked up. Remember—”
She stopped and stared him down. “Are you serious right now?” she deadpanned. “Do you hear yourself? Have some tea? Really?” Her voice rose along with her anger. “Tea? Fucking tea! You think tea is going to make this better?”
“That’s not wha—”
She huffed and resumed her pacing, then stopped to address him again. “Do you even care, Eli?”
That had him out of bed in a flash, standing toe-to-toe with her. “How can you even ask that?” His anger was rising.
He was standing so close, she had to crane her neck to see him. Normally, when he towered over her, she smiled up at him. But now she took a step back. “I don’t know, Eli. How can I ask that? Let’s see, the fact that you haven’t shown one ounce of emotion since we got home. Um, the fact that you walk around here doing day-to-day, mundane tasks like our world isn’t about to shatter.”
His anger bubbled to the surface and he wanted to scream back at her, but held himself in check knowing that was the last thing she needed. He bit his tongue and ground his teeth. His molars were going to crack from the force of the pressure so he loosened his jaw. “That’s not true. I’ve cr—”
“Maybe you’re happy,” she said. “Maybe you’re cut off and cold-hearted because this is what you really wanted. Having second thoughts about fatherhood? This could be your out?” The verbal diarrhea wouldn’t stop. She kept catapulting and slinging it at him. “Maybe starting a family right off the bat isn’t ideal, so you’re wishing—”
He grabbed her by the arms, something he’d never normally do, but he needed to get her attention and stop her tirade.
“Stop, Ember! Stop...Enough!” He held her upper arms, forcing her to look up at him until she winced. He loosened his grip, remembering her sutured arm. The anger on her face melted into confusion, then into sorrow. Like a veil being lifted from her eyes, the realization of her words, the devastating blows she dealt him materialized, and she crumpled into his chest. Collapsing her weight against him because she couldn’t stand on her own. She sobbed uncontrollably. He buried his head in her fiery curls and sobbed as well. Two broken souls finding solace in sorrow.
“I’m sorry, Eli,” she said between sobs, “I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean it. God, I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry. ”
He held her just as he did in the hospital when the doctor told them the news, until her wails and sobs turned into silent shudders. He pulled her to the end of the bed and onto his lap, murmuring into her hair while his tears fell onto her mass of curls.
“Baby...it’s okay baby...Get it all out...I love you…I love you so fucking much.” He rocked her as he spoke through his tears. “I love our baby. God, Emmy, I love you. Hold on to our baby.”
Finally, when they both couldn’t cry any longer, Eli spoke. “I cry every morning, Em, and every night in the shower...so you don’t see me break. You can’t see me weak, or else I can’t stand strong. It kills me and brings me to my knees. I pray and curse God on my knees, hoping I haven’t caused this to happen with all the blackened marks on my soul. Praying He isn’t taking a life for the lives I’ve taken. Punishing me—” Tears he didn’t think were left trickled down his cheeks.
“Elijah, no!” She stared him in the eyes. “No, Eli. You didn’t do this, God wouldn’t do this. Evil did this. The same evil you banish. You’re light, Eli! Ridding the world of the worst of the worst and protecting the innocent who have no hope. You're their Hope, Eli. For every piece of shit you take out, you save countless people from a life of hell.” She grabbed his face, looking at him through tearstained eyes, forcing him to look down at her, “This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Get that out of your head. You’re light, Eli! A light for good.”
Eli nodded, sniffing back his tears. He had so many questions. Questions he hadn’t asked her to keep her from worry.
King had called a few days ago but he kept the conversation short, causing Eli to wonder if King was thinking the same things he was, seeing as King and Mary were ten weeks further along in their pregnancy than they were. Mary was fifteen weeks now.
If Ember miscarried, would King and Mary feel guilty when their baby was born and their baby would have followed a few months behind? Would each milestone cause either couple to live in guilt or resentment, seeing what milestones they would never experience without their baby? Would they be able to rejoice in the birth of their friends’ first born, standing by idly, knowing their child's life would never share in the same joys?
Would the loss be a blessing in disguise, because they needed time to be an us before starting a family? Would it be too much for them to handle as a couple? Would it tear them apart? Or bring them closer together? Would the waiting for the unknown make them discover a deeper, undying love and devotion to one another? Would discovering Ember was still pregnant make them cherish the pregnancy and the baby even more once it was born, knowing how precious life is and how easily it can be lost?
How was he supposed to burden her with all those questions when he was supposed to be her rock? By not voicing them, she thought he didn’t care, which caused her more stress and worry. Could his never-ending questions actually bring them together?
They had to be open to each other's worries and fears. So, for the next few hours, they stayed in each other’s arms and laid all their hopes, worries and fears, finding comfort that they were both worried about the same things. Though there were no answers to the uncertain questions, knowing that the other was experiencing the same uninhibited fears, brought comfort to their hearts in its own twisted way. Waiting would still be unbearable, but at least they could bear it together.