Fail to Love by Maci Dillon

 

Friends Without Benefits

 

“Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you.” ~ Unknown

 

 

RAVEN

 

“This is outrageous. You’re saying my son gets bitten by another child in your care and our parenting style is at fault?”

As much as I wanted to slap our kids’ parents somedays, today wasn’t the fucking day, lady. Understandably, she’s distraught, but if she’d shut up for two nanoseconds, I might be able to explain the situation better.

“Of course not, Mrs. Lunde. Biting, among other destructive behavior, isn’t tolerated at our center. Leo was bitten by another toddler in the group when he refused to obey our direction and tackled another little boy to the floor—”

“Again, with blaming poor Leo.”

I shook my head in rebuttal, my eyes drifted shut, and I said a silent prayer. It went something like this… Please. Shut. The. Fuck. Up!

It’s crazy mom day at Pebbles Play Center. Once one parent stopped in passing to complain about something, the rest go out of their way to add their ten cents worth. The unprecedented drama unsettled my stomach more than the tuna fish I had for lunch earlier. It’s only Tuesday of my first week back after the Christmas and New Year break, and I was already holding out for my next holiday.

“No, ma’am, nobody is blaming anyone. The aggressor was defending himself against Leo’s attack.” I had no fight left in me and was happy to see the back of Mrs. Lunde when she finally relinquished and gave up. Sadly, I’d be seeing her again tomorrow, despite her threats to pull Leo out of the center.

She was one of the many moms of ours who lived close by, didn’t work, and dropped her kid off at opening time and collected him at closing. Or like today, two minutes past, dressed as if she’d pulled herself from bed at the last minute to make it here at all. Leo was a sweet kid, and I shuddered to consider what his home life might be like.

Each day that I closed the doors at Pebbles as the assistant manager, it was a day closer to opening my own childcare center where young lives and families like Leo’s would be my main focus. Despite being born in Australia, my parents are both Greek, and the importance of family was ingrained in us at an incredibly young age.

After I tidied up the last of my paperwork, I was the last to leave. I turned off the lights, locked up, and made my way home. I was plagued with exhaustion beyond the norm, especially after I took a longer period of leave over the holidays.

Tonight, I gave myself special permission to enjoy an early evening. Kassidy messaged earlier to say she was working late, and Miah had a family dinner every Tuesday. I unlocked the door to our apartment, and a sense of loss overwhelmed me. Chloe packed up and moved in with Will on January 2, and while I was over the moon excited for them both, I missed her daily presence in my life.

I showered, made myself a bowl of ramen, and relaxed in front of the television to watch an episode of Friends. I loved sitcoms, and reruns were the bee’s knees. My phone pinged as I drifted off to the land of nod. I took the bowl to the sink and unplugged my phone from the charger to find a message from Sean.

 

Sean:Can we please talk? I don’t want any misunderstandings hanging between us.

 

Misunderstandings? Huh. I saw the way you looked at me. Judged me.

I tapped out a quick reply.

 

Me:No misunderstanding. No doubt we’ll see each other again soon at Will and Chloe’s.

 

Unfortunately, Will and Sean were thick as thieves since getting to know each other over the break, so there’s no way to avoid him forever. The least I could do was to hold off until the humiliation of our last encounter passed.

My phone rang loudly in the silence of my empty apartment as I crawled into bed.

No such luck.

“Sean, hey.”

“Raven, thank you for answering.”

“Sure, what can I do for you?”

“That’s a loaded question you might not appreciate the answer to.” There was a pause between us. The sound of his voice made my heart beat faster, and I imagined our kiss—our passionate and very drunken kiss.

“The fact we’ll see each other again socially is the exact reason I want to clear the air.”

“Honestly, there’s no need. We’re good. Nothing happened or ever will.” I closed my eyes in an attempt to fight off the images in my head including the feel of his lips against mine. My heart ignored me despite my best efforts. I could feel his smooth hands all over my body, until—

“Nothing happened? We were making out, naked, about to have sex, and you upped and ran from the room. What the fuck happened?” The frustration in his voice pummeled my chest. Men were so freaking clueless. He had no idea. Maybe I overreacted, but I was drunk, and the way he looked at me, at my stomach—

I’m not used to a man paying any attention to my scars the way he did. He was obviously repulsed, and the realization sobered me up enough to get out before we went any further.

“I was drunk, you’re friends with Chloe, and we shouldn’t have been doing anything. We can’t.” So what if it made me feel better to pretend it couldn’t happen as opposed to didn’t. It’s better than the alternative thoughts that my body image turned him away.

“And this is the reason I have the rule you so quickly judged me for.” The dreaded Sean Code, never fuck a friend of a friend.

“I didn’t judge you,” I spat as I sat up in bed, annoyed by his suggestion when he was the one who judged. Silently, but it hurt all the same.

“I get no enjoyment from hurting women, and if I did something wrong to upset you, I’d like to know. I want to make it right.”

“To avoid any awkwardness when we see each other next?”

“Yes, and because I’d like us to be friends.”

“We’re friends, Sean. By association. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”

I hung up before he had a chance to say anything further and pulled me under his spell.

 

 

SEAN

 

“Friends?”

The only female friend I have is Chloe, and that’s so new, I was not exactly sure what’s involved with a different sex friendship. Christ, since when do I contact women and beg to be their friend?

I couldn’t even remember the last time I had sex with a woman I didn’t pay. And believe me, I only do that to distance myself from women who were constantly throwing themselves at me because of my success and the money it brought.

Being a pin-up boy for the Bachelor of the Year didn’t earn me any favors. This would be my fifth year in the running, having won twice already. If I won this year, I’d have won more than any other bachelor in the history of the title.

Thankfully, it’s not my only claim to fame, but it’s the least important and nothing to be proud of. If anything, it would destroy any chance of a dating life, even if I were the kind of man to want to date.

And kiss goodbye to the idea of any serious relationship. I never expected a woman to put up with having random women throwing themselves at their partner. Not publicly and certainly not privately.

It had been a few weeks since I saw Raven, and I knew we’d both had a little too much to drink, but I’m certain both of us wanted more from the night—the flirting, the heated stares, the way she kissed me back without hesitation, and when her moans turned to…

Stop!

I was still staring at the phone after she hung up. Like she so firmly reminded me what happened never did and never will again.

Except I was one hundred percent not okay with that. I can’t fucking sleep, not knowing what made her run from me that night. Knowing it could only be a one-night thing was difficult enough but not getting to experience all of her? I’d never get her out of my head after seeing her naked, tasting her, and feeling her writhe beneath my tongue.

In my forty-one years, I’d never begged a woman for anything, yet it’s not beneath me where Raven was concerned. I was like a loaded gun destined for rapid fire. Like my thirteen-year-old self when I was forced to take three-hour showers to hide my raging hormones. Despite my best efforts and severe cramping in both wrists, it was not helping in the slightest.

The only way to move forward and alleviate my desire for her was to have her. All of her, without limitation.

Without alcohol.

One night.

I put my phone down and sipped my whiskey, allowing my mind to drift as I gazed out at the lights across the river. For the first time in my life, I wanted something I couldn’t have. I craved the one thing I never believed I’d be interested in.

A woman.

And her name was Raven.