Fail to Love by Maci Dillon

 

Reality Sets In

 

“But you’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.” ~ Maria V. Snyder

 

 

SEAN

 

“Raven,” I whispered to my sleeping beauty. “Baby, wake up.”

Raven began to stir. Rubbing her eyes, she clutched at the black satin bedsheet and pulled it higher, covering her exposed nipple I was tempted to lick.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful.” I sat at the edge of the bed and admired her for a few minutes longer. I hated having to run out on her like this, and I didn’t want her to wake up here alone while I was still out.

“Sweetheart, please wake up,” I tried again, stroking her face. My hand swept over her bare shoulder and rubbed her arm. Slowly, she began to stir again, and I rocked her slightly, forcing her to wake from her slumber.

“What’s wrong?” she rasped, squinting at me until her eyes adjusted to the morning light.

“I have a work emergency, and I need to run into the clinic. A mom with twins is experiencing what could be early labor. Much too early,” I explained.

“Okay, I’ll get ready and head home.”

“No, I want you to stay here and sleep. With any luck, you’ll still be lying naked in my bed when I return. But please, make yourself at home.”

“Okay.” She nodded, her head still comfortably resting on my pillow.

“I’m sorry, Raven. This wasn’t what I had planned for today.”

“I understand, just hurry home.” She smiled sleepily and wrapped her delicate little hand around mine.

Home.

I kissed her forehead, pulled the blinds down to keep the mid-morning sun from streaming in, and left her to fall back asleep.

Ten hours after leaving Raven sleeping in my bed, I was at the Women’s Hospital after early labor with twins who took a turn for the worse. When one of the twins showed significant stress and lowered heart rate, I took the safe option and had my expectant mom transported to where she could receive the absolute best in neo-natal care should an emergency delivery be required.

Days like this often leave an oppressive stamp on your heart, whether the outcome is good or bad. Today, I was happy we experienced the best outcome for Kelsie and her babies. I managed to subdue the trauma to the twins, reverse her labor, and all three of my patients are now tired but in safe hands.

Kelsie would be required to wait out the remainder of her pregnancy in the hospital under close supervision, but it was the only way to ensure their safe delivery into this world. I watched her through the window to her room as she slept. All the machines beeped, and monitors caused the bright lights to flash repetitively on the screens, every display a confirmation of a job well done.

I should go home and shower, but Raven messaged earlier to tell me Miah was coming to pick her up. I couldn’t blame her, and I didn’t want to read much into her leaving. It was the plan, after all. Her message was short and gave nothing away, but I imagined her disappointment as she typed it.

The days of observing my mother’s once happy and positive persona crumble before my eyes was an unpleasant reminder of what she endured as the wife of a surgeon. My greatest fear in life was destroying a woman the way my father ruined my mom. It was the main reason I avoided women and shied away from the mention of a relationship.

Raven and I had a day planned today, nothing significant but some well-deserved us time. We settled on a walk in the park with Wednesday, a visit to the local museum neither of us had done since our late teens, and craft beers and lunch at the Brewery. All of which I missed.

Instead, I left Raven alone to spend the day in my lonely house unsure of when I might return. This was my life on days like this. Unfortunately, babies didn’t check your schedule and ensure they weren’t going to interrupt your plans with your girlfriend before they insisted on making their way into the world. No more than bad hearts did for cardiac surgeons like my dad.

In the big scheme of this thing called life, Raven and I were only in our early days. She may not have even considered what being with a surgeon might mean in the long term. What if she wasn’t prepared for the lonely nights and mislaid plans?

My mother was a stay-at-home mom. Raven couldn’t be more different. She’s a go-getter, a soon-to-be business owner and has a life outside of work and home. She’s completely different. Stronger. But over the years, would putting my work before her repeatedly, begin to break her will like it did my mother?

So many questions there was no way of knowing the answer to. Still, they needed to be discussed. I was terrified I’d end up no different than my father and fail to love Raven as much as she deserved to be loved.

As the war continued inside me, I pulled up a chair quietly outside of Kelsie’s room and decided to stay close by until tomorrow.

I’d message Raven before she retired for the evening.

I owed her an apology, and I missed her immensely.