The Sugar Queen by Tess Thompson

12

Trapper

Brandi closedthe door of my bedroom and sank into one of the easy chairs by the open window. Her shoulders curved inward as she tented her hands and placed them between her knees. A breeze passed through the screen and ruffled the curtains.

“Hey now. It can’t be that bad,” I said.

She gestured toward the other chair. “Come sit.”

I perched on the edge of the cushion and leaned across the space between us to caress her cheek. “You’re scaring me,” I said.

“My parents came to see me. Separately.”

“What did they want?”

“To find out whether or not we were back together. I told them we were.” Her bottom lip quivered. She looked down at her hands.

“I can only guess what your mother thinks,” I said.

“She feels trapped here. Stuck with my dad and this town. Because of me.” The words were delivered in a pained staccato, punctuated by gulps of air in between.

I ached for her. Damn her mother. The woman should leave if she was so unhappy here. “What does her dissatisfaction have to do with us? We love each other. We both want to be here.”

“Because her unhappiness has been the biggest influence in my life.” The corner of her mouth twitched. “This thing I have to tell you—I don’t know how to say the words.”

“Just say it.”

A long pause ensued. The muscles of her thighs tensed as she pushed against her still-folded hands. “I got pregnant the spring of our senior year.”

My mind blanked, as if a cloud had taken the place of coherent thought. “What?”

“The baby didn’t live. She was stillborn.”

I jerked away, as if a snake had bitten my hand. “That’s impossible. Why are you saying this?” I pressed the palms of my hands into my knees as spots swam before my eyes. A baby. Stillborn.

“She died in my womb a few days before she was delivered.” Brandi removed her hands from between her legs and wrapped her arms around her stomach.

“No. You would’ve told me.” I blinked, trying to focus on her face, but her features swam before me like an abstract painting in watercolor. “That’s not how we were. We told each other everything.”

“My parents said they’d disown me if I told you,” Brandi said. “They wanted me to get an abortion and I refused. We made a deal. I could have the baby as long as I gave her up and agreed to keep it a secret.”

“Adoption? You were going to give our baby away?”

She shook her head. “At first I was too afraid to think clearly. All I knew is that I didn’t want your life ruined because of my mistake. Later, I came up with a plan.”

“Your mistake? What’re you talking about?” I spread my hands out over my knees and took in a deep breath. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I forgot to take my pill two nights in a row. I should’ve told you so we could take precautions.”

“Is that why you broke up with me?” Now the thoughts came so fast I couldn’t keep up with them. “Is that the real reason? You didn’t want me to know about the baby?”

“I didn’t want a baby to ruin your life,” Brandi said. “Like I wrecked my parents’ lives. I didn’t want you to be bitter and angry like my mom. I couldn’t wreck another life.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Or feel. I realized my cheeks were damp. A baby. A little girl. My gaze darted around the room. “You were going to give her up?” Had I already asked her that?

“I thought at first I might, but as the pregnancy went on, I knew I couldn’t. I had a plan to run away. Crystal’s mother in Seattle had agreed to take me and help me get on my feet.”

My stomach hardened into a boulder. I fixed my gaze on her, wondering how it was possible that she’d kept this from me. “You were going to keep her and not tell me?”

“I—I…I didn’t think you’d want her…us.”

“She was my baby. How could you think I’d reject her? Or you? I loved you. Did you know me at all?” I swiped away the tears that had filled my eyes.

“I was trying to protect you. Do you really think you’d have wanted to be saddled with a worthless wife and needy baby? If I wrecked your chances of a hockey career, I would never have forgiven myself. The truth is—I was alone. Crystal was the only one I could turn to.”

“You should have given me the chance. I loved you more than anything.”

“Except you didn’t. When I asked you—you chose hockey.” Tears fell down her cheeks and onto her arms, which continued to hold her middle. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Our baby didn’t live long enough for me to know what came next.”

For the first time in my life, I couldn’t soften toward Brandi. The betrayal cut like a sword through my gut. A baby. A baby I never got to hold or see or grieve for.

Hot tears fell from my own eyes. “How could you lie to me?”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“I have to get out of here. I have to think.” This was like learning half the things they taught in history class were untrue, and here was the real version of events. I needed to talk to Breck.

“I understand.” She’d drawn her legs up and rocked back and forth on the chair.

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner? We’ve been together for days. How could you let me back into your life—back in your bed—and not tell me about our baby? Jesus, Brandi.”

“Because I knew you’d leave me once you learned the truth. After ten years of missing you, I just wanted a few days. I’m sorry.” She hid her face in her hands.

“I have to go.” I lumbered to my feet and lurched toward the door. The last thing I heard before I entered the hallway was her sobs. I couldn’t go back. Not like this. I had to sort through this new reality before I could be there for her. We’d had a baby that she’d planned to keep and not tell me about. How could this be the girl I’d trusted with my whole heart? My whole big stupid heart.