The Sugar Queen by Tess Thompson
14
Trapper
Driving too fast,I barreled down the gravel road to Breck’s house. Tears blurred my vision. The sun had set by then, and the muted light made it even harder to see. Huck was right. I was too trusting. I’d believed Tara to be my most trusted employee and friend, and look what she’d done. Two million dollars right out from under my nose. Now, this.
I thought back to that night she’d ended things. How had I not questioned her motives? We’d been in love. Her bullshit explanation that she didn’t love me enough to go with me had been a blatant lie. What was wrong with me? How could I be this blind? Was I just such a romantic and so desperate for love that I’d missed all the signs?
Other than my mother, Brandi and Tara had been the only women I’d ever trusted. I hadn’t thought either of them capable of this kind of deception. A baby. A secret pregnancy. What kind of people made their teenage daughter do that?
I reached Breck’s driveway. The gate was open, and I drove through. The fenced fields on either side of the long driveway were trimmed short by the horses. Lights from Breck’s house were warm and inviting. They called to me like old friends. How many times had we spent together in Breck’s mother’s farmhouse kitchen that smelled of maple syrup? Brandi and me. Huck and Breck. We’d all been carefree then. Our whole lives ahead of us. I’d thought the world was out there for me to take. Nothing could stop me.
Their gray barn was all shut up for the night. An image of the hayloft floated through my mind. Brandi and I had spent a night there the March before graduation. We’d made love twice on a blanket spread out over bundled stacks of hay. That was the night. I knew it in my bones. The night we’d made a baby.
My stomach churned. Bile rose to my throat. I pulled to the side of the road and vomited into the tall, dry grass. When I was done, I leaned against the side of my truck to catch my breath. A wail came from deep inside me. I did this with my arrogance and carelessness. Not Brandi’s mother, but me. I’d made her pregnant. I’d made her feel as if she couldn’t come to me. I’d left for the world I wanted. For years she’d had to see me in magazines with other women. Meanwhile, she’d been here trying to salvage a life after burying our baby.
I was a selfish boy. And now? Was I a selfish man? I’d left her tonight to cry alone as I did all those years ago. She’d been so small and sad in that chair, and I’d left her. She was right. Once again, I wasn’t there for her. It was all about me.
“I didn’t know,” I whispered to the grasses. “I didn’t know.”
The dry grass rustled in the breeze and seemed to say, “You do now. What are you going to do about it?”
Breck satat the island in his mother’s white kitchen as I paced and spilled Brandi’s secret. When I finished, he poured us both a tumbler of whiskey.
“Well, this explains a lot about how she’s acted over the years.” He handed me the glass.
“What do you mean?” I threw back the drink in one gulp.
“Kind of like a baking robot.” Breck leaned his back against the kitchen sink. “You know what she told me once? Senior year, we were out by the river having a bonfire during one of the October harvest moons. You’d gone off with Huck to get beer or something and it was just the two of us. I asked her if she ever thought about the future. What do you want if you could have anything? She said, and this is a direct quote, ‘All I want is to be Trapper Barnes’s best friend and the mother of his children and be able to bake bread on Sunday afternoons. I know women are supposed to want more, but I don’t.’ She went on to say how much pressure she felt to do all the things her mother hadn’t been able to do. ‘But I can’t do them. I’m a mistake. A person who should never have been born.’ That’s another direct quote.” He reached for his glass of whiskey. His brows came together. “It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.”
I pressed a napkin against my wet eyes. Brandi had thought she was a mistake. “How could she think that when I loved her so much?”
“The wounds are deep,” Breck said. “Deeper than even your love could fix. Brandi feels like she ruined her mother’s life. That belief has colored absolutely everything. When you said you’d choose hockey over her, your answer reinforced what she felt she deserved. She took the burden of the baby on herself. She was conditioned to make the choice she did. And man, it’s cost her.”
“I’m just so angry,” I said. “At her mother.”
“She’s made some poor choices,” Breck said. “Especially when it comes to Brandi. But I guess that’s the way it is when everything you ever wanted feels as if it was taken from you. That loss has a way of shrinking you—making you mean and small.”
“It’s no excuse,” I said. “Plenty of people have had babies at seventeen and go on to become whatever they wanted to be. Sure, it’s harder, but women do it all the time.”
“The past is the past,” Breck said. “You two have found your way back to each other. It’s a beautiful thing. Don’t let her mother ruin one more day. The best girl in the world wants you. You are someone’s dream. Think about that. You know what I would’ve given to be Brandi’s dream?”
“I thought Huck was the one who loved her?”
He chuckled. “Nah. Not the only one. I loved her too. I was just smart enough to know from the beginning she only had eyes for you. You lucky bastard.”
“I am lucky. I’m mad at myself, too. I should’ve figured it out and been there for her.”
“My dad always said people do the best they can with what they know at the time. You were a kid. If you’d known, you would’ve been there. You didn’t. But you are now, and Brandi still needs you. She’s hurting, and you’re the only remedy. Text her. Tell her that everything’s going to be all right between you.”
I took my phone from my back pocket.
I’m sorry for leaving when you needed me most. Everything’s going to be all right. Please know that I love you. That will never change.
Seconds later, one came in from her.
Meet me at the cemetery tomorrow at ten.
The next morning,I found Brandi sitting by a small tombstone in the Strom family lot. She rose to greet me. We stared at each other for a moment before her face crumpled into tears. I pulled her into my arms and held her close. “It’s okay.” I rested my chin on the top of her head. “I’m here now.”
“Thank you for meeting me here,” she whispered against my chest.
“I’m glad you texted.”
The cemetery was made up of green grass and old oaks. Our family plot was at the center with a wrought iron gate around the circumference. For generations, we’d been laid to rest there. Brandi’s family plot was similar, with generations of Stroms and Vargases buried side by side.
She withdrew from me and gestured toward a small gravestone, unmarked other than an etching of a bird. Together we walked over and sat on the grass.
“My mother wouldn’t let me put her name or dates on here. Her name was Ava Elizabeth. Ava means bird.”
“Did the doctors know why she died?” I had to ask, even though I feared it would hurt Brandi to have to recount the details.
She shook her head. “Twenty-five percent of stillborn deaths are unexplained.” She drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. “At the time, I thought it was my fault.”
“How could it be your fault?”
“Because I didn’t want her. I didn’t want to be pregnant.” Her chin trembled. “I missed you so much that I thought I must have given her my pain. My disinterest in living.”
“You didn’t want to live?” A heaviness settled over me. I dropped my chin to my chest. I’d done this to her.
She shuddered, drawing in a deep breath. “I didn’t. I’d never felt so alone.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” A sob came from deep within my tight stomach. “If I’d known. If I’d only known.” I lifted my face toward her. My breath hitched at the pain in her eyes. “I was a selfish kid who didn’t see what was right in front of me. I was too into conquering the world to notice something was wrong. I let you down, and I’m sorry.”
“None of this was your fault,” she said.
I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and held her tight against my chest, stroking her hair. “When did you decide you wanted to keep her?” I asked.
“The first time I had an ultrasound. I could see her tiny body and her face. She was real. I couldn’t give her to strangers. I called Crystal and told her everything. Her mother said I could stay with them until I could get on my feet. She said she’d come get the baby and me at the hospital in Denver. My mom made me have her there so no one here in town would know.”
Brandi scooted away from me to brush a leaf from the gravestone. “When I got to the hospital the day she was to be induced, I was naively unaware that anything was wrong. It wasn’t until I saw the nurse’s face that I suspected something was wrong. In a split second, everything changed from peaceful to chaotic. There were all these nurses and machines and bright lights. No one would tell me what was going on. I was terrified. The doctor came and looked at the monitor and examined me. His expression was like the grim reaper. He said, ‘I’m not getting a heartbeat.’ Then I knew.”
I tried to steady myself with calming breaths, but the pain in my chest made it impossible. “I can’t imagine how awful that must have been.”
“A part of me died right there. I had to go through labor knowing the outcome. She was already gone, and I knew it. But it had to be done, so I did it. They gave me Pitocin and an epidural for the pain. I cried through most of the next few hours. She finally came. Still and quiet. So quiet.”
“Did they let you hold her?”
“Yes, they were very nice to me. Everyone felt terrible.” Brandi sighed and looked up at the sky. “She had these perfect miniature fingers and toes. All these questions ran through my mind. How could she be so perfect but not survive? Why had God taken her? Why hadn’t I felt her soul leave me? How could I not have known that she’d already gone to heaven before she even left my body? What had I done wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Tears flowed hot and wet down my cheeks.
“My mother had chosen this couple to adopt her. They were kind to me. Kinder than my own mother. They brought flowers and told me how sorry they were. I could tell that she’d been crying. It was a loss for them, too. I couldn’t even look them in the eye because I knew I’d been planning on running away before they could take her.”
“Would you have been able to?” I asked. “Or would your mother have interfered somehow?”
Her expression turned hard and resolute. “Up to the last minute, it’s up to the birth mother to change her mind. Crystal and her mom were already on their way to Denver to take me home with them. My mother had given me no choice. I had to choose the baby over them.”
“Did that plan include me?”
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking about you right then. I was in survival mode.”
“And in the end, you never had to make the decision,” I said.
“My little bird flew away from me, up to heaven. I came home and buried her here with Lizzie and Jasper and the rest of the family. My mother made me do it in the middle of the night so no one would know. A tiny coffin in a tiny grave and only me to grieve her.”
“God, I hate your mother,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can ever get past this.”
“I’ve never been able to.” The corners of her mouth lifted in a sad smile. “I could see you in Ava’s face. She looked like you. I’m sorry I deprived you of a chance to see her.”
“If I’d treated you with more care, you would’ve felt safe to tell me. You deserved better than my self-centeredness and surety that I was the town hero bound for glory. In fact, I was the opposite. When the person I loved the most in the world needed me, I couldn’t see it. I was too busy being Trapper Barnes, hockey star. My only excuse is that I was a boy. I’m a man now, Brandi. If you’ll give me the chance, I’ll spend all my waking moments trying to make it up to you.”
“By asking you to choose between me or hockey, I set you up.” Her face scrunched in obvious pain. “If I’d told you the truth, maybe everything would’ve been different.” She let out a long sigh. “I was a girl. A scared, insecure kid. I wanted you to have it all, even if that meant losing you.”
I brushed my mouth against hers. “There is nothing in this world I’d choose over you. Not now. Not ever. Your pain is my pain. Your joys are my joys. After all this, can you believe in me? In us?”
“I’ve always believed in you,” she said. “And I’m ready to believe in us.”
We kissed. A new kind of tears sprang to my eyes. The truth had led us to a deeper love than I thought possible.
She rested her face in my lap. I stroked her hair as she spoke softly. “I promised Ava I’d never forget her. And that someday we’d be together in heaven. That belief has sustained me through a lot of long nights.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “The nights are the worst.”
“Yes, they are.” How many had I thought about Brandi until the wee hours of the morning, praying that God would grant me the peace of sleep?
“I come out here on Sundays to talk to her,” she said. “I’ve told her all about you. About how happy we were together and how much I loved you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me the first night we were together at the campground? Didn’t you trust me?”
“Every day I told myself I would, but I just couldn’t find the words. I thought I’d lose you again. I wanted as much time with you as I could get before you left for good.” Her voice broke. “I needed just a few more memories to get me through the rest of my life. Can you understand that?”
I leaned over to press my mouth against her silky hair. “I do. But I’m not leaving. I’m here for good. Our little bird made sure we found our way back to each other.”
“Our own little angel.” She lifted her head from my lap and folded her legs under her to face me.
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. Golden beams of sunlight glinted through the trees.
“I want to get married,” I said.
“Trapper, really?”
“I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m ready.” I turned to her. “What do you say?”
She smiled as the rays of sunlight glittered in her eyes. “I’m ready too.”
I got to my feet and offered her my hand. “Let’s go home.”