The Sugar Queen by Tess Thompson

13

Brandi

I wrappedmy arms around my middle and rocked back and forth as I sobbed. He was gone. This was too big a lie to recover from. The desolation and loneliness washed over me in wave after wave of darkness. There had been a small part of me that hoped he’d understand. Hope had set me up for this mighty fall into despair.

After a few minutes, I got it together enough to think through the next steps. Rose and Fenton. I wanted to tell them myself before Trapper could. It was the least I could do. Once they knew, then they could look after Trapper.

I called the house. Rose answered. I asked if I could come out to see them.

“Now? It’s late,” Rose said.

“I’m sorry, but it has to be tonight.”

“Are you okay? You sound strange.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Yes, come. We’ll be on the patio.”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

They were sitting togetheron the love seat when I came around the corner of the house. Lamps brought enough light to the patio that I could see them clearly.

“What’s going on?” Rose asked as she stood. “Something’s happened. Is Trapper all right?”

“Trapper’s fine,” I said. “I mean, physically.”

“What about you?” Fenton asked.

I sat across from them. “I have something I need to tell you. It’s going to be hard to hear, so brace yourselves.”

They nodded.

“I got pregnant the spring of our senior year. The baby didn’t live. She was stillborn at nine months.”

They both stared at me as if they’d heard me wrong. Rose rubbed her collarbone as the color drained from her face. Fenton swayed slightly.

“My parents made me keep it a secret. They wanted me to put her up for adoption, but I had other plans. She died a few days before my due date. I didn’t know, of course, until they induced me.”

“Did Trapper know?” Fenton asked.

“No, no. He knew nothing. I didn’t want him to give up his plans.” I stood on shaking legs. “I just wanted you to hear it from me. Trapper knows now. I told him tonight. He didn’t take it well—not that he should. He left very upset. I wanted you to know that too, so you can look after him. He won’t want anything to do with me after this. Also, her name was Ava Elizabeth, and I buried her in our family plot. I’m very sorry.” I lunged forward and stumbled in my sandals, falling and scraping my knees.

Rose sat behind me on the hard stone and wrapped her arms around me. “You poor little girl,” she whispered as she held me against her chest and rocked me like a baby.

I sobbed and sobbed until there was nothing left. Finally, I allowed Fenton to help me into the house. We went to the family room with the large windows and rows and rows of books and where great love stories had played out between the dark walls a century ago. He led me to the plush couch, and Fenton and Rose sat with me between them. They each took a hand.

“Sweetheart, we’re sorry we never knew,” Fenton said. “If we had, we would’ve helped.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’ve no excuse, other than my parents said they would kick me out of the house if I told anyone. They wanted me to abort but I just couldn’t, so that was our compromise.” Hot tears slid from the corners of my eyes. “If I’d told Trap, he would’ve given up everything. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You did the right thing with what you knew at the time,” Rose said.

“Do you hate me?”

“We could never hate you,” Fenton said.

“Trapper might never forgive me,” I said.

“He’s just in shock,” Rose said. “He loves you. When he calms down, he’ll think of it from your perspective and come to understand why you did what you did.”

Fenton drew my head to his shoulder. “You were very brave.”

I shuddered, remembering how they’d had to tear her lifeless angelic body from my arms. “My mother let me bring her home and bury my baby in the family plot. She wouldn’t let me put her name on the gravestone.” I sobbed through my words but continued, wanting desperately for them to understand. “No one but the three of us, Crystal and her mother ever knew she existed. It was wrong and cruel. Her name should be there, marking the fact that she lived inside me for nine months. But I know. I know her name. I wrote her name and dates in my Bible. Ava Elizabeth. God and I know her name. She was a person. I loved her so much.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Fenton said, pulling me close. “We’re sorry you had to do this all alone.”

I leaned into Fenton, giving him my body weight and my burden. I was not alone. Not now.

“Losing a child is a pain no one should have to suffer,” Rose said. “We’re here for you. Whatever you need.”

I looked into Rose’s sympathetic eyes and understood what it was like to be loved unconditionally, without judgments or expectations. This, I thought, is why Trapper’s such a fine man.

“My mother kept saying to forget it and pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened. But it was impossible. How could I forget my own child? The only thing that helped was working so hard I was too tired at night to do anything but fall into bed. And seeing Trapper’s dreams come true. At least I’d been able to give him that. My mother was angry and bitter because of me. She had to give up her dreams. I didn’t want that for Trapper. He was always good and honorable, and I was such a drain on him.”

“That’s simply not true,” Fenton said. “You gave him joy.”

“You’re not responsible for your mother’s happiness or sadness,” Rose said. “The only one who can control that is her. It’s time to let yourself off the hook. If she’s too selfish to see what a gift you are, then she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life.”

“No matter what I do, it’s not enough,” I said.

“You’re enough, just as you are,” Rose said.

“I’ve been afraid and ashamed,” I said. “Carrying around this secret has made me tired and old.”

“Now that your secret is out, you don’t have to be afraid or ashamed any longer,” Fenton said.

“Goodness, your knees are bleeding,” Rose said. “Hang on. I’ll get some bandages.” Her sandals clicked on the hardwood floors as she crossed the room.

“What do I do?” I asked Fenton. “What now?”

Fenton squeezed me with his strong arm. “Give Trapper a little time. He’ll come around. I can imagine he’s in shock.”

I leaned my cheek against his chest. “I think about Lizzie and Jasper sometimes. How long it took for her to finally win his heart.”

“Too long,” Fen said. “But Jasper was a stubborn fool. Trapper takes after Alexander—a romantic who knew who he wanted from the moment he met her.”

Rose returned with bandages and hydrogen peroxide and knelt on the floor next to me.

Fenton loosened his arm from around me and rose from the couch. As Rose cleaned my wounds with a cotton ball, he went to the desk.

When he returned to us, he had a Bible in his hands. “Will you take us out to the cemetery?” Fenton asked. “I’d like to welcome her to the family. You can bet that Rose and I will say her name out loud.” He patted the leather cover of the good book. “I’ll put her in our family Bible.”

I closed my eyes against the tears that had come once more. “No one but me has ever been there. I go every Sunday after church.”

“I’ll be damned if we don’t put her name on that gravestone,” Fenton said.

Rose secured two bandages on each knee, then sat back on her heels. “There you go. All fixed up.”

This is what it’s like to have a mom.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean for her to die. I wanted to be a mom like you, Rose.”

“What happened was not your fault,” Rose said. “It was simply a tragedy.”

“Maybe my broken heart made it so she couldn’t thrive,” I said. “I’ve always been so weak.”

Rose wrapped her small, warm hands over mine. “Listen to me, little girl. What you endured all by yourself would’ve have been too much for a lot of people. You kept going. You made a life for yourself. That’s the definition of strength.”

“Love yourself as much as you have Trapper and Ava Elizabeth,” Fenton said.

He’d said her name out loud. I started to cry again, this time covering my face with my hands and sobbing as Trapper’s parents patted my back. When I finished, I accepted a tissue from Rose and wiped my face. Exhausted, I rested my head against the back of the couch.

“Where do you think Trapper went?” I asked.

Fenton walked to the bar and poured himself a whiskey. “If I have my guess, he called Breck. They’ll talk it through like they do most things. Later tonight, you’ll get a phone call. You two will talk. You will tell him absolutely everything, just as you have us. When he’s ready, take him out to the cemetery. You’ll cry over what you lost. And then, by the grace of God, you’ll both finally start the life you’re meant to have. Together.”