The Destruction You Desire by Tracy Lorraine

3

Peyton

How do you tell a five-year-old who's already lost his mother and grandmother that the man standing in the yard earlier was his brother? A brother who may or may not want anything to do with him.

How do you even contemplate trying to explain the clusterfuck that is, that man's father is his father?

I lean back against the kitchen counter and just breathe.

I somehow managed to stumble my way through some kind of explanation that Kayden said he understood, but really, I barely understand it myself. How can I expect him to?

But I couldn't lie either. He'd seen Luca with his own eyes. The resemblance is too strong to deny any kind of connection there.

In true innocent kid style, all Kayden really wanted to know was if Luca was coming back.

His eyes light up just talking about him. As if he already knew Luca, and telling him that I didn't know if he was going to come back obliterated my heart.

"What are you doing?" Aunt Fee asks when she walks into the room with my half-eaten birthday cake.

"Sorry, I'll come and help tidy up," I say, feeling bad that I'm hiding away from it all.

"That's not what I mean. You're meant to be going out."

"I've cancelled," I confess.

"Nonsense. It's your birthday. You deserve to go out and have fun."

"Yeah well, I'm not really feeling up to it after…" I trail off, not really wanting to talk about it again.

"Peyton, you only turn twenty-one once."

"I don't care, Aunt Fee," I say sadly. I just want to curl up in bed and forget today ever happened.

"I understand that, I do. But I think you'll regret not going. Plus, your friends are waiting."

"I told them I'm not going."

"Ah well… about that…" She rips her eyes away from mine, but not before I see them flash with guilt.

"Aunt Fee, what did you do?"

"Well, I was walking past your room and your cell dinged and… well… one thing led to another and…"

"You told them I was going, didn't you?"

"Yep. I told them you'd meet them in…" She looks at her watch. "Less than an hour so you really need to shift that ass into gear, girl."

"Aunt Fee, I can't—"

"You can and you will. Your mother would never forgive me for letting you mope around on your big day."

"She's not here, Aunt Fee."

"No, she's not. But I am," she says firmly. "And I say that you're going. You're going to let your hair down, get drunk and dance with a good looking boy because you can. Because you deserve it."

"But—"

"Nope, no buts. Elijah has offered to take you, he—"

"Of course he has," I say, rolling my eyes as I remember his comments about Ella.

"Please, Peyton. All this drama will still be here tomorrow. Stewing about it in bed all night won't make it go away, but—"

"Getting drunk will," I add.

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I was going for but yeah, I guess."

"Tomorrow you can talk to Luca. Invite him over here if you like so I can speak to him too."

"Thank you, but I think that's something I need to do alone."

"Okay, well the offer stands. If you want to go to Maddie too, all you need to do is ask, sweetie."

"Thank you, Aunt Fee. I don't know w-what we'd h-have—"

"Shush, Peyton. I wouldn't have it any other way."

I swallow down the lump and will my tears to subside once again.

"Now, get upstairs and shimmy into that sexy little dress. It deserves an outing." She winks at me before grabbing what's left of the champagne from earlier from the fridge and pouring us both a glass.

"When times are hard, go out with your girls and dance the night away," she says, holding her glass up to clink mine.

"You and Mom do that often?"

"More than I'm willing to admit to, sweetie."

Feeling a little lighter, I make my way upstairs to shower and dress in record time. Dread still sits heavy in my stomach but deep down, I know that Aunt Fee is right. I need this.

My determination wanes a little as I sit in front of the mirror in my small room applying my makeup. I'd hoped that sliding into the dress would give me the confidence I need to walk into a party tonight and figure out a way to enjoy myself, but it didn't have the magic effect I was hoping for.

I stare at myself with my mascara wand halfway to my face and let out a loud sigh.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

As if someone can hear my thoughts, a soft knock sounds out on my door.

"Yeah."

It creaks open before Elijah pokes his head inside.

"Whoa," he says, taking in the low-cut of the dress and my breasts that are damn near spilling out of it. "That dress is…" He trails off clearing his throat instead.

"Yeah, it's something," I mutter, looking back at the mirror and continuing with the job I started.

"How are you feeling?"

"Honestly?" I ask, shooting him a look over my shoulder as he lowers himself to the edge of my bed. My eyes linger on him dressed entirely in black and looking sinful. "I'm a mess. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do."

Leaning forward, he rests his elbows on his knees and watches me in the mirror.

"There are no rules here, Peyton. You just have to follow your gut."

"I need to talk to him."

He nods. "You do. But do you think going to find him tonight would be the best time?"

I think about Luca's hot temper both when we were kids and what I've witnessed recently, and I know that finding him when he's probably still angry would be the worst thing to do.

I need to let him cool off. Get his head together. Then we need to sit down like sensible adults and talk properly. I almost laugh out loud at the prospect. I'm not sure either of us have it in us to manage it. We drive each other crazy whether we mean to or not.

"No," I confess, remembering that he asked me a question.

"Exactly. So, go out and blow off some steam. He's not going anywhere. This issue will still exist tomorrow."

"Great. Thanks for that."

"You know what I mean. This isn't the sort of shit that gets fixed easily or quickly, so just give yourself some time and trust that everything will work out in the end."

"I wish I could be so positive about things."

He shrugs. "I deal with life or death on a weekly basis, Peyton. No problem is ever as serious as that."

My stomach knots at the reminder of what he does for a living and I immediately feel awful for acting like the world is ending with my family issues.

"No, don't look at me like that. I didn't say it to make you feel guilty."

"I know, I know. It's just… ugh."

"Come on," he says, jumping up and straightening his shirt. "Finish up and we're going out and putting all your troubles behind you for a few hours."

"Okay.” I nod at him, a small smile pulling at my lips.

"I want to get to your blonde friend. She's single right?"

"Jesus. I'm going to regret this, aren't I?"

"You'll never know if you don't hurry."

He leaves me to finish getting ready and when I finally stand in front of the full-length mirror out in the hallway before heading downstairs, I can't deny that I feel better.

The dress is killer and that along with my stilettos and makeup help me; it all feels like a layer of armor that I'm able to hide the truth behind.

"Wow, Peyton," Aunt Fee says, her eyes going wide when I appear in the kitchen doorway a few seconds later.

"Elijah's a lucky guy tonight." She winks at her son.

"Ready?"

"Yes, let's go before I change my mind."

"Have fun, kids. Don't do anything I wouldn't have done."

"We don't want to know what you got up to, Mom," Elijah groans, following me out of the house.

"An Uber?" I ask when I see the car idling at the end of the driveway.

"Yeah, you're already in no state to get behind a wheel and I do not plan on spending tonight sober so…" He gestures to the car, pulling the back door open for me. "My lady," he quips, making me laugh.

By the time we pull up outside the house where tonight's party is, I'm a nervous wreck. My hands are trembling, my palms sweating and despite the fact that I know I have a full stomach thanks to Aunt Fee insisting that I eat as much as I could this afternoon, I still feel like I might be about to pass out again.

"He's probably not even here after the bomb that exploded in his face this afternoon," Elijah says, unable to miss my hesitation to join him out of the car.

I suck in a breath, quietly thank our driver before sliding out.

"What the hell are you doing?" I gasp when his fingers tangle with mine. I immediately try to pull them free.

"You told me that he thinks I'm your boyfriend earlier. So, if he is inside let’s allow him to believe it."

"E, I don't think that's wise," I warn, still trying to free myself.

"You want him to stay away, trust me. There's no better way."

Yeah, or Luca will delight in telling Elijah what a cheating whore I am and spill all our wicked secrets from last weekend.

"It's not a good idea."

"I can handle a college football player, Peyton." He lifts my hand and places a kiss to my knuckles. "You've got this, PeyPey." He winks and I barely contain my eye roll.

Unable to free myself from his grip, I walk alongside him and toward the open front door of the house.

The music booms, the scent of cigarette smoke and weed mixes together as we make our way into the crowded hallway.

"Peyton," I hear someone squeal before Letty races down the stairs so fast I'm sure she's about to faceplant on the floor any second. "Happy Birthday," she cries, slamming into me and throwing her arms around my body. Finally, I lose Elijah's grip allowing me to hug her back.

"T-thank you."

"Ignore her, she's already wasted," a deep rumbling voice says. When I look up, I find Kane watching his girl with an amused yet satisfied smirk on his lips.

"You're aware you're wearing her lipstick, right?" I ask him, unable to keep the smile from my lips.

"Yeah, do you think it's my color?" He winks.

"Let's go get drinks."

"Are you sure you need another?" I ask Letty as she takes my now free hand and pulls me toward the kitchen.

"Elijah, Kane. Kane, Elijah. He's… kinda my cousin, I guess."

They nod at each other and follow us through the groups of people.

"Look who I found," Letty announces the second we're in the kitchen causing everyone to turn and look at me.

"What the hell happened this afternoon?" Ella asks, clearly more sober than Letty.

"Family stuff."

"Fair enough. Here you go, a very special cocktail for the birthday girl." She passes me over a Solo cup with God knows what inside it and encourages me to knock it back, which I do with a little hesitation. The second I swallow, I regret it because the alcohol burns.

"Jesus. What the hell is this?"

Ella shrugs, too busy staring at the person over my shoulder.

"You brought a friend," she says, clearly as interested in him as Elijah is in her.

"His name is Elijah. He's a marine. Ships out again soon so do not get attached in any way. He's my aunt Fee's son."

"And he is hella hot. You mind?"

"By all means." While he's distracted with her, the less chance he'll be able to play big brother slash fake boyfriend with me.

"Giiirl, you are looking F-I-N-E," Brax says, coming to stand before me.

"Ah, the good-looking, smart one," I quip.

"I think I'm going to need a dance with the birthday girl tonight."

"I'm sure that can be arranged. Although, I'm pretty sure I remember you being firmly warned off me," I say, remembering Ella's demands when I went to their dorm the other week.

"Oh, she's fully distracted, don't worry." He winks.

My lips part to warn him about Luca. I know both Brax and West are on the team, which means they're his boys, but I don't want to think about him right now let alone say his name out loud.

I startle when a hand lands on my waist, but the second Letty's floral scent hits my nose I relax.

"Brax, stop looking at her tits," she slurs. "We all know you're desperate but Peyton is not for you."

"They're right in my face, I can't not look," he says with his hands up in defeat.

"The girls are looking good, Peyton. I bet Lu—"

"Don't," I growl, cutting her off before she lets his name slip past her lips.

"Has something happened?" she asks, clearly sensing that something is wrong even while she's intoxicated.

"It doesn't matter. I'm here to have fun and let go."

"Hell yeah. Let's go dance." She takes my hand before reaching for Kane with the other. "El, bring your marine. We're dancing," she shouts.

We blend into the crowd that are grinding it up in what I can only assume should be the living room and the second we come to a stop Letty pulls me into her and we dance together with Kane at her back.

Whatever Ella gave me added to the champagne and vodka I've consumed today ensures that my reality stays away as I lose myself to the music.

A guy who I'm introduced to as Letty's little brother and a couple of the other guys I recognize from the toga party supply us with drinks and with each one, I let go a little more. So much so that when some guy I don't know steps up behind me and begins dancing with me, I just go with the flow.

I don't care who he is. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to let go.

Resting my head back against his shoulder and moving my ass against him. His hand grips my waist, their burning heat turning my blood to lava.

I have no idea how much time or how many songs pass like that. It could be one or ten. I lose all sense of time and anything around me as I get lost to the music.

But the second he spins me around and I recognize a pair of green eyes, everything comes crashing down around me until my alcohol-fueled brain catches up with my reality. My body stills, my blood instantly cooling and my high from only seconds ago vanishing faster than I thought possible.

"Lee? What are you—?"

"Disappointed?" he asks, clearly reading my reaction.

"N-no, I just didn't… shit."

I drop my head to his shoulder, suddenly feeling like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders once more.