The Destruction You Desire by Tracy Lorraine
Luca
My first thought when I wake is of her, having her pressed against me as I slept. But the second I try to pull her tighter against me, I realize that it was all a dream because what I'm holding to my body isn't her little, curvy hot one, but a pillow.
Goddammit.
Rolling onto my back, I throw my arm over my eyes and focus on my breathing in the hope it'll magically make my hangover abate.
Just thinking about the taste of whisky makes me want to puke.
Once I feel like my body is a little more under control, I push myself up so I'm leaning up against the headboard and look around my room.
My dream of her felt so real, the scent of her that fills my nose is almost enough to convince me that I'm not totally crazy.
Glancing around the room, I search for any kind of sign that she was here, but I find nothing.
The last thing I remember was sitting in the booth at The Locker Room and feeling Bry's disapproving stare burning into my skin. I have no idea how I got back here. Leon, I assume. Did she go with him? But why would she? After the way I've treated her, she should leave me to drown in my own drunken stupidity.
Reaching down, I find my jeans undone and around my hips.
The image of her delicate fingers wrapped around the fabric as she tried to undress me hits me out of nowhere as I push my hand into my pocket searching for my cell.
It's not real. She wasn't here,I try to convince myself.
Not finding my cell, I finally drag my pathetic ass from the bed and start looking. I finally find it under my pillow, all the alarms I had set cancelled.
"Fuck," I hiss, taking in the time. Not only have I missed my chance to hit up the gym, not that I'm sure I could cope with a workout right now, but I've missed my first class of the day.
I still feel like death when I get to campus a little over an hour later, now late for my second class. I really don't want to sit in class and attempt to focus on anything but I figure it might actually be better than sitting in my room and replaying my dream over and over and trying to convince myself that it was real, that she was there, that she does care.
The building is empty as I make my way to the elevator, the doors open the second I hit the button and I slip inside.
Resting back against the wall, I tip my head back and close my eyes, wishing that I hadn't bothered and just stayed in bed.
The doors are almost shut when they jolt and open again.
I just about manage to fight the groan of frustration that wants to rumble up my throat at someone encroaching on my peace, but when I look up and find a familiar face wearing a determined expression as she stares back at me, I know that turning up today was a massive mistake.
"Well, well, well, look who decided to show their face," Letty mutters, stepping inside and letting the doors close behind her.
"I could really do without the lecture, Let."
"Well, that's a real shame, Dunn, because you're about to get one."
I stare at her, unsure if I'm impressed or just downright terrified by her attitude.
"You've spent too much time with Legend," I mutter.
"He's got nothing to do with how I feel about you messing around with Peyton."
"You barely even know her, Let. And you certainly don't know the details of what happened between us."
"I might have only known her a couple of weeks, but that's enough to know which one of you is in the wrong here."
"Wow, your loyalty astounds me," I deadpan.
"When you deserve it, you can have it back," she quips.
My chin drops, but I don't have anything to say in response, so instead, I just shut the hell up and stare at the doors, praying they'll open any second.
The tension in the small space is oppressive, even worse than the last time we were in here together.
"Go on then, hit me with it," I say, figuring that I may as well get this over with.
But before Letty gets to say anything, there's a loud bang and then the elevator bounces to a stop.
"What the hell was that?" Letty asks, her eyes wide as she looks around.
Reaching forward, I press the button again for the floor we want but nothing happens.
"Shit," I hiss, pressing it over and over in the hope it does something.
"Looks like there’s no escaping this now then, Luc."
"Did you plan this?" I bark, turning to look at her.
An incredulous laugh falls from her lips. "You think I planned for the elevator to break so you'd be forced to talk to me. Are you serious?"
Reaching up, I rub the back of my neck. When she puts it like that, the accusation does sound ridiculous.
"I had no idea you'd even be late to class," she says with a sigh. "Press the call button and tell someone we're stuck."
"Sure thing, boss," I deadpan, doing as I'm told and explaining what happened to the bored sounding guy at the other end.
"I guess we may as well get comfortable then." Letty takes her jacket off, folds it up and drops it to the floor before sitting on it. "You look like shit, by the way."
"Thanks," I mutter, sliding down the wall. "You look amazing," I confess, taking in her sparkling eyes and constant smile.
"Thanks."
"How come you're late? You sure don't look like you're fighting a hangover."
"Kane, he had this morning—"
"Enough said," I cut her off.
"Luca, at some point you need to accept that this is how it is now. Kane is part of my life, and he's also a part of yours."
"I've accepted it."
"Sure you have." She rolls her eyes at me. "I shouldn't have to tell you that relationships are way more complicated than they often look. Kane and I, we have a lot of history. Things have happened between us that no one knew for a long time."
I stare at her, wondering if she's talking about the same thing Leon alluded to the other day.
"Everything you know about our younger years is true. I thought moving to Rosewood would get me away from it all, give me a fresh start. And it did, for a while. But Harrow Creek is my home, it's where my dad is. I was—I am—always going to go back there." She holds my eyes and I sit forward a little, resting my elbows on my knees, ready to hear what she's got to say. "Almost two years ago, I went to a Creek party. It was my old best friend's birthday. I was told he wouldn't be there. But he was. One thing led to another and… well… he got me pregnant."
"Shit, Let."
"Yeah. Well, I went back to Columbia, found out, thought I could deal with it all myself. I didn't tell anyone, I even managed to hide it from my roommates. I stupidly thought it wouldn't change much." She shakes her head. "I was an idiot."
"What happened?" I ask, assuming that she's not hiding a baby somewhere.
"I lost it at twenty weeks."
"Holy shit." She stares at me, her eyes glassy with tears, her pain tangible.
"I couldn’t cope. Bailed on classes, lost myself. I was a mess."
"That's why you came back," I breathe.
"Yep. It got to the point where I was either going to do something I wasn't going to come back from, or I pull up my big girl panties and confess the truth. I came home, Mom found me someone to talk to and I worked through it all and restarted my life."
I scrub my hand down my face. "Fucking hell, Letty."
"Kane didn’t know. I had no idea he'd be here. He already hated me and blamed me for Riley's death. Then when I told him about our baby… well, he drove his car into a truck."
"Shit."
"Look, Luc. I'm not telling you this for sympathy. I've dealt with it all now… mostly. What I'm trying to say is that things aren't always as they seem, and just because you think one thing, it doesn't mean you can't overcome it, change. Love isn't always easy, or pretty. It can be hard, painful, messy… dirty. But let me tell you, when you figure it out, it's so fucking worth it."
"What are you really trying to say, Let?" I ask with a heavy heart.
"Peyton is… she's not a liar, Luc. I don't know the details but I truly believe that she loves you and that she never wanted to hurt you."
"I know," I confess, much to her shock.
"Y-you do?"
"Yeah, I was wrong. She never lied to me. I just didn't want to believe it. What she told me… I had no idea how to handle it, so I picked the easiest choice and turned on her."
"O-okay. So, now what?"
"It's not as simple as me being wrong. She might not have lied to me that day when we were kids, but she's kept some huge shit from me."
"Shit she'd have kept from you if you'd have believed her back then?"
"Well… no, but—"
"There you go then. You can't blame her for protecting herself."
"Shit," I breathe, falling back against that wall and letting my head slam against it.
"Nothing is unforgivable, Luc. You just need to pull your head out of your ass and decide what you really want."
I keep my eyes closed but I feel Letty's stare burning into my face.
"Despite all the bullshit and whatever might have happened in the past. What do you want?"
"Her." That single word falls from my lips before I've even had time to think about it.
"So start making it right. Quit with all this drunken, angry bullshit. Stop with all the fighting, the pity parties for one. She needs you, Luc. She needs you to be on her side, in her corner. I don't know the details, I know she's lost her mom and she's still grieving. I also know that's only the tip of the iceberg.
"You want her, you need to prove it. You need to be what she needs, what she doesn't even realize she needs."
Dragging my head from the wall, I rip my eyes open and stare at Letty.
"I'm sorry I never told you about her."
Getting up, she moves closer to me and threads her fingers through mine.
"I understand, Luc. I know things have been fucked up, for both of us. But I'm here. I'll always be here for you."
Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I drop my lips to the top of her head as emotion clogs my throat.
"Me too, Let. I'm sorry for all the shit I pulled."
"Me too. I should have told you the truth sooner. I shouldn't have used you the way I did."
I hold her tighter as the tension drains from the space around us and the silence stretches out.
"My dad fucked her sister. I've got a little brother out of it."
Letty's body tenses at my words but she doesn't say anything, and I appreciate it.
"I hate my dad. You know that more than anyone. But I refused to believe that he could do that, that he could stoop so low as to cheat on my mother with a high school senior."
"Shit, Luc."
"She was a few weeks from being eighteen but I have no idea how long it was going on for. If she was the first, if she was the last."
Releasing her, I lean forward once more, bowing my head in shame.
"She tried to tell me. Can you even imagine how hard it must have been for her to say the words? And then I turned around and called her a liar and cut her out of my life. I fucked up so fucking bad."
Letty remains silent beside me, giving me all the answers I need.
"Are you really serious about walking away from the Panthers?" she asks after long, agonizing seconds. Her change of subject gives me whiplash.
My brows draw together in confusion but I quickly figure out that Leon must have told her.
Dropping my head into my hands, I give her the truth. It's the least I can do.
"I don't know. I don't know anything right now. My life feels like it's spiraling out of control."
"Have you spoken to your father?"
My fists curl at the mention of him. "Not since I learned all of this," I force out through clenched teeth. "I want to fucking kill him, Let."
She turns to me, resting her hand on my forearm. "Still enjoying football and wanting success doesn't make you your father. Pushing hard to get to the NFL, to have all the things he's wanted for you—that you want for yourself—doesn't make you him."
I shake my head, not finding any words to respond with.
"I hate your dad, Luc. I've hated him for years for the way he's treated both you and Leon. Shane too. He's an asshole. But football is who you are. I have no doubt that even if he hadn't pushed you, that you'd be exactly where you are now. It's in your blood, Luc. Following in that path—in his path—won't change anything, it won't make him stop being the prick he is, and it certainly won't rewrite the past.
"The only person you need to worry about when you're thinking about what comes next for you, is you." I glance up at her. "Okay, maybe Peyton too if you're going to make that right."
"I am."
"Okay then, so what do you want, Luc? Do you want everything you've worked so hard for? Do you want football, the NFL, or do you want to start over, find a new path for yourself?"
My lips part to respond but she cuts me off.
"You don't need to answer that now. You've got time to figure it all out. We all just want you to be happy, Luca. We don't care if you're the NFL's next star quarterback or if you work in Dunkin' Donuts. We just want you to be happy, to figure this stuff out because you're killing us with this right now." Her hand slides down to mine once more and she uncurls my fist. "I just want my old Luc back. And something tells me that Peyton probably feels the same."
"I don't know who he is anymore," I whisper.
Placing her hand over my heart, she stares into my eyes with her big dark ones. "He's right here, Luc. You'll find him again."
Emotion clogs my throat and tears burn the backs of my eyes. I want to be able to agree with her, but I fear the person both she and Peyton remember is gone.
Leaning back against the wall, I blow out a long breath.
"Only time will tell, I guess."
Crackling from the small speaker on the control panel distracts both of us.
"An engineer is on his way. Hold tight, it shouldn't be too long."
"Hold tight," I mutter after Letty has thanked him. "Is he having a laugh, we're stuck in a metal box."
Letty shakes her head at me, a smile playing on her lips before her expression turns serious once more.
"So, Peyton. I guess we need a plan."
I stare at her for a beat, my chest tightening.
"I love you, Let. You know that, right?"
"Of course I do. We just need Peyton to know the same thing."
* * *
Our class is over by the time we're finally freed from the elevator. Letty heads straight off because she's got work this evening but deciding that it's time to get my life in order, I continue down toward my missed class in the hope of catching the professor to find out what I missed. No matter what happens next, I need all the credits I can get, and failing my classes this semester isn't going to help with that.
I turn the corner toward the auditorium when I collide with someone.
"Shit, I'm—Peyton?" Placing my hands on her shoulders, I push her back slightly until I can see her face.
Tears cascade down her cheeks as she keeps her eyes on the floor.
"What's wrong, P?"
A sob rips up her throat at my question and I pull her into my arms, holding her tight as she falls apart.
