Grumpy Alien King by Celeste King
Heather
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t the world’s greatest pilot. I mean, I could handle myself under most circumstances. But a high speed chase through the cosmos wasn’t really my forte.
But you know, as they say, necessity is the mother of invention. So as I found myself being tailed off-planet by a podship that I didn’t recognize, I figured I didn’t have much choice but to become the best fucking pilot I could possibly be.
In about…ten minutes.
What could go wrong?
I sighed and shook my head at myself.
“Nice, Heather. Another little jam you’ve gotten yourself into,” I mumbled to myself, as I grappled with the ship’s controls, trying to coax a little more speed out of this heap.
“Computer,” I called out, hearing the audible ‘beep’ acknowledging my voice. “Activate weapons array.”
“Negative,” the metallic voice said in response.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered. Just what I needed. An A.I. system with attitude.
“I don’t want to hear it, computer,” I said. “Just turn the damn thing on.”
“Negative,” came the reply. I wanted to scream.
“If you don’t turn the weapons array on, I’m crashing this ship right into the damn moon!”
“This craft is currently not equipped with any weapons systems,” the voice said again and I swear to God, I think it was mocking me a little bit.
“Of course it’s not. Just go faster then!”
“Our current course sends this ship directly into the path of a meteor shower. Chances of survival roughly thirty-eight point two percent.”
“I don’t need your bullshit, computer, just fly!”
“Acknowledged,” came the reply and again, I was pretty sure it came with a little attitude.
The good news was, as far as I could tell, the ship in pursuit wasn’t firing on me. That was good. I was guessing that if there weren’t any offensive capabilities, there wouldn’t be many defensive ones either, besides speed.
There was a loud bang against the hull. Right on cue, we were entering the meteor shower.
“Perfect,” I grumbled. “All I need is a fleet of attack ships to show up on the other side of this, boxing me in.”
“At present, there are no attack ships in the vicinity,” the computer said.
“It was a rhetorical question!” I shouted in response. “Don’t be so literal!”
I grappled with the controls. It was on auto-pilot, but I figured my only shot was taking over the flight steering myself.
“Warning: self-piloting decrease chances to—”
“SHUT. UP. I’m betting this is gonna be like the first time I played poker. I had no fucking clue what I was doing and ending winning five hundred bucks. Beginners’ luck. Can’t ever discount how powerful that is.”
“That is not a logical hypothesis.”
“Welcome to my world, computer.”
I took the flight stick and started zigging and zagging all over the place. Keeping my eyes firmly out front, I didn’t think, I just reacted, pulling this way and that, dodging the floating space rocks that were spiraling all around me.
Sparing a second to check the rear view monitor, I could see that the pilot of that craft was keeping pace with me.
Easily, in fact.
“Damn,” I said. “That dude is pretty good.”
“The adversary pilot is moving with excellent coordination and extreme efficiency,” the computer said.
“Who’s side are you on? You don’t have to admire the guy!”
“I am merely making an observation, not taking sides.”
“Yeah, yeah, I can feel your judgement,” I said and hit the accelerator.
The other pilot was keeping pace with me, no matter what moves I made. And then it occurred to me: that pilot wasn’t attacking me. In fact, he hadn’t fired a single shot at me so far.
That was when I realized what was happening: the pilot in pursuit…was Xxuric. That was the only thing that made sense.
He was tracking me.
But why? What did he want? To throw me down in the kitchen again?
I had to admit, a little thrill ran up and down my spine at the thought of that. I wouldn’t mind having that kind of tumble with him again.
But it was too much! Too complicated, too hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but how did I know that he felt anything remotely similar to how I felt?
Was I just a plaything to him? Something to enjoy and toss aside to his son when he was finished?
But even as I thought that, a flash of him slapping my ass in front of the crowd burst through my mind and I felt a twinge deep in my belly.
“Goddamnit,” I said, angry at my own body for betraying me. “Can we be on the same page here, please?”
“Please repeat query,” the computer said and if it had been there in person, I would have slapped it across the face.
“Computer, patch me a line of communication to the pursuing vessel.”
“Warning: contacting enemy craft is not advised.”
“Just do it, you sissy,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Link established.”
“Xxuric…is that you?” I said with caution.
There was a moment of static silence. Then the coms crackled to life.
“Yes Heather it’s me.”
“What are you doing?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
There was another clang off the hull as a meteor bounced off.
“You think it was a good idea following me out here? It’s dangerous you know!”
“No shit. So how about we get through this thing and then we can talk a bit about our situation. What do you say?”
I hesitated. I desperately wanted to, in fact. But I wasn't sure it was the best idea.
On the other hand, did I want to end up being pulverized by rocks in outer space, or feel Xxuric’s hands on me again?
When it’s put that way, it wasn’t much of a choice at all really.
“All right, Xxuric. Let’s get through this.And then we can talk.”
“Good. Follow me. There’s a spot we can talk.”
He pulled his ship in front of me and I followed.
I sighed.
“What the hell am I doing?”
“Query unknown,” the computer answered.
“You said it.”
