Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Jace
Then
She laughs at the music and props her chin on my chest. “What in the hell is this called?”
I play with her long hair and grin. “Sex and Candy.”
Tori snuggles closer. “Fitting for the occasion.”
I wrap my arms around her and try to see her face. “Are you okay?”
We planned this today and still I was nervous. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. With my grandmother gone on a retreat in Santa Fe with her church friends and Tori’s mother preoccupied with the wedding, we decided that this was the time. I bought a bag of fresh rose petals from a flower shop at the Plainsfield Mall and scattered them throughout my bedroom, which is kind of corny and will be a bastard to clean up later but it was all worth the trouble when I led her in here and saw the enchanted look on her face. Then I filled two glasses with apple cider and we toasted to our future and to each other.
After that, I helped her out of her bridesmaid dress and was as careful and gentle as I could be. The whole time I hoped like hell that the moment was exactly what she’d dreamed of.
“I’m wonderful,” she says now, dreamily stretching before leaning in for a kiss. “And you’re wonderful. Even if sometimes your taste in music borders on the questionable.”
I love this girl. Even if she is wrong about my music.
“It was such a stupid wedding.” Tori yawns. “Colt was cracking up the whole time. And then my mom had a fit because the cake was left out of the refrigerator too long and started to melt. At least it put an early end to the reception because she was in a foul mood.”
“She and Rusty left for their honeymoon already?”
“Yup.” She makes a face. “I’m supposed to be packing. The new buyers move in next week.”
“At least you won’t be going all the way to Bredon.”
She pokes me. “Don’t jinx it. We’ve still got to sell Colt on the idea of moving in with Coach Toledo. And be careful what you say when you suggest that I can live with my dad and Rochelle.”
“I will.”
She begins to look anxious. “Maybe I should be the one to talk to him instead.”
I kiss her quickly. “Don’t worry. Your brother and I are supposed to go hiking in the morning. I’ll find a way to be tactful.”
She grins. “I know you will. You have a gift for words. By the way, did you finish any more chapters?”
“Not yet.”
“Let me read it so far. I can give you feedback.”
“Soon.” I play with her hair.
“Promise me or I’ll tickle the hell out of you.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Challenge accepted.” She’s quick and she gets me in a few sensitive places before I capture her hands. She giggles when I roll over on top of her.
“I love you.” I’m never afraid to say it first.
“I love you too, Third.” She always says it back with no hesitation.
I don’t want to crush her so I switch positions. If I turn to the side we’ll tumble right off my narrow bed so I sit up with my back to the wall and haul her into my lap.
Earlier, my fingers were clumsy with nerves when I rolled the condom on. I was so worried about hurting her. Tori kissed me and whispered that it was all right, that this is what she’s wanted for a long time. I’ve always been casual about sex, but I didn’t know sex could be like this, the way it is with her, meaning not just something you do to feel good but because you truly want to connect.
I get it now.
I understand why love is the source of books and music and poetry and hope. Love is every story worth telling and every purpose worth having.
Tori traces the lines in my palm. “Do you think we’ll always stay in Arcana?”
“I’ll stay wherever you are.”
“Aw.” She turns and brushes her lips over mine. “You know what? I used to think that when the time came I’d run out of this town like I was being chased by fire. I mean, I grew up here and my parents grew up here and it just seemed endless.”
I nod over her words. “An endless cycle of Arcana generations.”
“That’s a good way of putting it. But I’ve never lived anywhere else. I don’t think anywhere else would ever feel like home. Do you?”
“I haven’t always lived here,” I remind her, thinking of a small house in a loud neighborhood and the daily misery of parents who despised each other and seemed annoyed that I existed. My arms curl tighter around Tori, holding her close enough for her to feel my heartbeat. “Victoria, I can call anywhere home as long as you’re in it. And wherever that home is, every minute we’ll remember that we love each other. We’ll never let ourselves turn into something cold and terrible, something we don’t recognize. We’ll have a family and there won’t be a single fucking day where they feel unwanted.” My voice rises with every word, becomes angrier.
“Jace.” She brings my hand to her lips and kisses it.
We both come from homes that were broken in different ways, from people who must have been in love at one time but then forgot why. With every year that passes I think of my mother less, but it never really vanishes, this hollow void of abandonment. I wonder if she ever thinks of me, wherever she is. Maybe. But not enough to do anything about it. As for my father, he strolls into town every few months and I don’t miss him much when he’s gone. Two weeks ago he showed up for a long weekend and he spent most of that drinking down at the Taproom and hassling me over football, like it’s the only thing I could ever do that might possibly matter to him.
“I could never forget what we have,” Tori says in all seriousness. Then she brightens. “We’ll live in a house outside town, in one of those quiet, rural neighborhoods where you can’t hear the guy next door sneezing at his breakfast table. I don’t care if the house is big or not. You can spend your days writing. Maybe I’ll have my own business. I think I’d like working for myself. If Colt’s living around here I’m sure he’ll be over for dinner three or four times a week. If he’s not, we’ll keep a guest room ready and force him to visit us all the time. And we’ll watch the sunset every night before we tuck the kids in.”
Tori always insists that I have a way with words but this time I think she’s got me beat. The world she describes is exactly the one I want to live in. I kiss the top of her head and run my fingertips over her smooth shoulder.
“Where did Colt go, anyway?” I ask her. “He didn’t come back from the wedding with you.”
“I think he ran off to meet some of the guys from the team. Everyone’s talking about Rafe Hempstead.”
I have to sigh over the reminder that my teammate was arrested for assault. I’ve known Rafe for a long time. He’s wild for sure and he’s not someone you’d want to piss off in a fight, but I can’t picture him bludgeoning an old lady half to death, which is what he was arrested for. The Hempstead name is a notorious one in our small town lore. Decades ago, Rafe’s grandfather committed a brutal double murder. And Rafe’s father Clay was always in and out of trouble until destiny served him a date with a tree trunk at eighty miles per hour while he was trying to evade police. Rafe himself thinks it’s a big joke that his nickname is ‘Killer’. Somehow I think all of this is probably working against him right now and it’s a bad situation all around. However, I don’t want to analyze forty year old murders or wonder if a guy I grew up with is capable of evil. I just want to hold my beautiful girl all night and dream about the future, the one she envisioned for us.
The streetlights flicker on outside and I climb out of bed to open the window, inviting some of the cool evening breeze into the room. Tori says she’s hungry and I’m about to order a pizza from Giorgio’s when all hell breaks loose next door.
The shriek of tires is punctuated by the slamming of a vehicle door.
“COLT MALENE!”
I know that voice. I’ve heard it countless times, thundering across the practice field when we’re all killing ourselves in the dusty heat.
“What’s going on?” Tori’s sitting up in my bed now, the covers held over her body, while I crack the window blinds.
“It’s Coach Toledo.” I can see his truck hanging over the curb in front of Tori’s house and he must be in a hell of a state if he can’t even handle parking properly.
Toledo is standing on the sidewalk. Instead of his usual polo shirt and whistle, he’s wearing flip flops, gym shorts and a Dallas Cowboys shirt. He also kind of looks like he wants to murder someone, which isn’t a good thing since he’s continuing to scream Colt’s name.
We didn’t know Colt had come home. I’m not sure it’s the healthiest plan for him to step outside right now but he emerges from the house to face the man who’s been his mentor for years. Colt is still wearing the clothes he wore to the wedding but his shirt is open and untucked now and his tie is gone. He’s also a little unsteady, which is worrisome. I’m very familiar with the sight of Colt after he’s been drinking.
Colt spreads his arms with his palms up in surrender. “Coach. What the hell are you doing here?”
Toledo shakes his head and his fists ball up. “Don’t you fucking dare play dumb with me.”
Colt drops his arms and waits.
Toledo points a menacing finger and refuses to keep his voice down. “My daughter’s been sneaking in after two in the morning and now she’s been caught shoplifting condoms. Don’t bother to lie to me about the reason why, kid! I’ve got eyes and ears all over this town.”
“Oh my god.” Tori is now frantically trying to pull her dress on but the zipper is stuck and she curses as the material tears. I yank some clothes out of my dresser and toss her a t-shirt and drawstring shorts, which she throws on in record time while I pull my jeans up in a hurry.
Toledo is still reading the riot act to Colt when Tori runs outside in her bare feet with me right behind.
As for Colt, at this point he’s just standing there with his head down and his hands jammed in his pockets, not bothering to defend himself.
Toledo, who seems unaware that he’s been putting on a live performance for all the neighbors, regards his star player one last time with a head shake of disgust. “Damn you, Malene. You don’t even respect my daughter.”
Colt’s head finally snaps up and now he’s angry. “That’s not true! Susanna and me, we’re-“
“SHUT UP!” Toledo gets right in his face and just when I’m sure the man’s going to take a swing at Colt’s jaw, he takes a step back. His next words are calm but lethal. “Just shut the fuck up. And don’t you ever go near my daughter again you worthless little piece of shit.”
Toledo does an about face and he’s heading to his pickup when it finally comes to his attention that he has an audience. A handful of neighbors were summoned from their dinner tables by the noise and they watch from their front lawns. Toledo’s expression grows sheepish when he sees Tori and he gives me a nod of acknowledgement. He’s not a guy who likes to lose his temper but I have no doubt he meant what he said to Colt. He climbs into his pickup and slowly drives away.
Colt hasn’t moved. He watches Toledo’s taillights fade and and he doesn’t even glance at his sister when she marches over.
“What the hell did you do?” she demands in a hiss.
Now he looks at her. He sees that she’s wearing my clothes and her hair is wild. He peers over at me, notes that my jeans are unbuttoned and his eyes narrow before he faces his sister again. “What did you do?” he grumbles and stalks back to the house.
“Colt!” Tori tries to get in front of him but he sidesteps her with ease and slams the screen door shut.
Now I’m chasing after both of them because I don’t know what’s going to happen but it can’t be good. Colt has never hurt Tori. Colt would never hurt any girl, least of all his sister. Yet something about the look in his eyes makes me want to get between the two of them.
“You’d better start talking,” Tori warns once we’re all standing in the living room, which is cluttered with moving boxes. She’s got her arms crossed and she sounds a little bit like her mother.
Colt laughs at her. “Do you have any idea how stupid you look, standing there and demanding answers while wearing your boyfriend’s clothes?”
Her mouth presses into a thin line. “What happened?”
“I don’t think you want a play by play description.”
“I want to know why you had to mess with Susanna Toledo. Of all the girls, Colt! And don’t tell me she actually means something to you because I know you too well.”
For a second he appears hurt by her comment. Then his eyes shift to me and his anger wins out. “Hey, pal. Did you have fun fucking my sister? I guess now you can brag about scoring another V-card.”
Tori releases a strangled gasp and covers her mouth.
He snorts. “Don’t look so shocked, Tor. I’m not as big of an idiot as you think I am. I just hope he didn’t feed you some sappy bullshit line that you were his first. Because I know for a fact that you’re not.”
Colt and I are exactly the same height and when I close in on him we are truly eye to eye. “Knock it off, Colt. If you’re pissed at me, fine. Leave Tori out of it. In fact, why don’t you go sober up before you say anything else.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to say anything I might regret. You must be fucking celebrating.”
I have no clue what he’s talking about. “Huh? Why?”
His smile is morbid. “With Rafe in jail and me packed off to Bredon, the guys are saying you’ll get the QB job.”
“Now you’re just making shit up. I’ve never asked to be quarterback. I hardly even play for fuck’s sake.”
Tori is now crying. She weaves between us and shoves her brother in the chest. She’s not nearly strong enough to move him anywhere but just in case things escalate I try to get in front of her.
“You ruined everything,” she sobs, pushing me aside and shoving her brother again. “You always do, Colt.”
Colt is slightly taken aback by her wrath. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that Coach Toledo will never let you live in his house now!”
Slowly, Colt’s head swivels to me. Betrayal is written all over his face. “Damn you, Zielinski,” he whispers.
Everything has gone wrong. Tori and I had a plan. I would talk to Colt. We were supposed to go hiking tomorrow morning. I’d convince him to accept Toledo’s offer and level with his sister. And that’s when she would admit that she also had an option. Nothing about it would be easy. But in the end they would both be able to stay and that’s all that mattered. Everything else could be fixed. Colt did not ever need to know that I’d broken a promise and told Tori the one thing he’s ever asked me to keep from her.
“Colt, it’s not what you-“
But Colt is in no mood to listen. “Asshole, you need to step the fuck back right now.”
I don’t want to fight him. He’s drunk and he’s my best friend. When we clear this up he’ll still be my best friend. But I’m afraid if I don’t give him a little space something will happen that can’t be undone.
Colt turns back to his sobbing sister and his anger fades. “Tor, look at me. Do you really think I’d abandon you like that? Come on. I was never going to stay here in Arcana, not when you couldn’t.”
Tori’s not thinking clearly. She’s crying too hard. That’s why she raises her head and through a haze of tears and bitterness she tells her brother the devastating truth. “But I could have stayed! Dad said I could live with him.”
Colt blinks and seems confused. Then he exhales thickly and understands. “And I guess dear old Dad only has room in his house for you, right? Not for me?”
She shuts her eyes. More tears fall. My heart breaks for both of them but Tori’s tears destroy me.
Colt’s face is red and now it looks like he might cry too as the news penetrates that the only father he’s ever known doesn’t want him and never will. “RIGHT, TORI?”
Tori sinks down on the couch and drops her head into her hands. “Right,” she whispers.
“Colt.” I try to approach my best friend. I’ll tell him I’m sorry. I’ll tell him I’m here for him. I’ll tell him that we’ll all figure something out together.
When he hits me, I don’t even see it coming. Mostly because I never would have expected it. I’ve been in fights before, often with Colt beside me. But we’ve never traded blows with each other.
His fist barrels into my stomach and sends me into a tower of moving boxes. Stuff spills all over the place. Tori screams. A lamp from one of the boxes smacks me in the head when it topples. Colt’s punch knocks the wind out of me for a second but when I see him advancing, instinct takes over and I kick out his knee.
Colt drops hard. “FUCK!” But it’s not enough to kill his adrenaline and he jumps on me, punches swinging wildly. When he lands a hit to my face, the back of my head slaps the tile hard enough to make my ears ring.
“Please stop!” wails Tori.
I clobber him in the jaw. He pays me back by making my nose bleed. The moving boxes are collateral damage in our battle and things are getting broken all over the place.
“COLT!” Tori screams her brother’s name as he nails me in the ribs. He’s holding me down with a knee on my stomach and he’s about to pound on my ribs some more when Tori hits him in the right shoulder with the broken leg of a coffee table.
Colt pauses and just looks at her. He’s suspended in disbelief to see his sister standing in front of him and holding the wood like a baseball bat in order to hit him again if necessary.
“Stop,” she whispers.
Colt flinches and a primal part of me acts automatically, fearing Tori might be in danger. I link my hands together and use them as a hammer to drive straight into his belly. He rolls away on the floor. He coughs. He vomits up all the beer he’d drunk earlier this evening.
Tori throws the table leg down and scrambles to my side. She touches the blood on my face and begins to cry again. I sit up and fold her into my arms. I don’t give a shit about the bruises. They’ll heal. They aren’t what scares me.
Colt groans and climbs to his feet. There’s vomit all over his shirt. And blood too. Mine and his. He swipes at his mouth and sees red on his hand. He looks over at where me and Tori are huddled together on the floor amid the wreckage of moving boxes. It feels like an hour passes while the three of us just stay fixed in place and gaping at each other.
Colt’s jaw trembles. Then he breaks the silence. “Fuck you. Fuck you both.”
He ignores us when we call his name. He retrieves a set of keys from the brass hook by the door and stumbles unsteadily outside. A moment later an engine guns to life and Colt drives his mother’s car out of the carport and down the street at high speed.
Tori clutches me and her whole body shakes as I stroke her hair with bleeding fingers. “Shh. Everything will be okay, honey.”
I don’t mean to lie to her, but I don’t believe my own words.
Nothing will be okay ever again.