Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Then
For the last fifteen minutes I’ve been pretending to clean the kitchen while keeping an eye on my brother through the window. He’s out by the curb with Rico Aguilar. The two of them are inspecting Rico’s truck.
I really need to talk to Colt. However, talking to Colt these days is a frustrating walk on eggshells. I sponge down the laminate countertops again and wait for him to return indoors so I can try a casual conversation.
Finally, the two of them grow bored with kicking tires and they head for the house. Rico is talking when they enter through the side door.
“Took me a year of working in my dad’s garage to get her in shape. She’s road ready now but the next step is a paint job.” Rico notices me and breaks into a wide grin. “Oh hey, Tori.”
“Hi, Rico.” I don’t feel like smiling back but Rico is a nice guy and it’s not his fault I’m ready to throttle my brother. Rico lives around the block and he’s on the Bredon High offensive line so he and Colt became buddies when we moved in last month.
Colt doesn’t acknowledge me. We did have an argument earlier today but even if we hadn’t he probably would still be pretending I’m invisible. That’s the way things are with us ever since the terrible night when he fought with Jace and then crashed our mother’s car into a streetlamp. No one was hurt but his alcohol level was over the legal limit. While it’s a relief that he won’t need to serve time in jail, Colt lost his driver’s license and had to enroll in a substance abuse program. Plus the Bredon High football coaches are skeptical of counting on a player who is a discipline problem. Colt didn’t even get to start in the first two games of the season.
And now, as if he’s not in enough trouble as it is, he’s decided to take advantage of the fact that Rusty brought our mom along on a business trip to Denver. Colt’s throwing a party here tonight and half of Bredon High is planning to show up. This is what we were arguing about. The argument ended when he flipped me off and slammed his bedroom door in my face.
I chew on my thumbnail and watch my brother remove orange juice from the fridge. He drinks straight from the bottle.
“You gonna be around tonight?” Rico asks, somewhat hopefully. I’m aware that Rico has a crush on me.
“Probably not,” I tell him.
Colt quits drinking orange juice and snorts. “Thank god.”
I choose to ignore the remark. “Jace is on his way over.”
Colt shoves the bottle back into the fridge without replacing the cap. “So what?”
Watching my brother fuck up his life in slow motion has been painful. Watching the utter disintegration of his close friendship with Jace has been torture.
“Just thought you’d want to know. He says you never return his calls.”
“Why does Zielinksi go tattling to you when I don’t have time for him?”
“He’s your best friend. He’s worried about you. We both are.”
Colt barks out sharp laughter. “You might as well go back to Arcana so you can worry from a distance. Isn’t that what you’d really rather do?”
In the days before we moved, I finally pleaded with my father to take in Colt so we could both stay in Arcana. My dad said he was sorry but because Colt had been causing so much trouble it was out of the question, especially with the new baby on the way. He did let me know that I was still welcome to live with him and Rochelle anytime I wanted. However, including Colt in the deal is not and never would be an option.
Jace was right. My father’s an asshole.
I take a deep breath. “Colt, you know I’m not going to leave you.”
And I won’t. I’ve felt responsible for my brother as long as I can remember. I can’t just shut that off, especially not now when he keeps going off the rails in a determined bid to destroy his own future.
He snaps his fingers and points to the other side of the room. “There’s the door, big sister. As you can see, I’m not blocking your exit.”
Rico doesn’t know where to look in the midst of an emotional sibling quarrel so he stares at his phone.
I struggle to keep my temper in check, not to yell. We’ve yelled at each other more than enough lately. “Please cancel this party tonight. Nothing good can come of it.”
He rolls his eyes. “Like I said, you’re free to fucking leave, Tor. In fact, I hope you do. Go back to Arcana. Dick around with your boyfriend and enjoy all the free time you’ll save from not being up my ass every two minutes. You won’t be missed here.” Colt nods coolly to Rico as if he didn’t just utter words that devastate me to the core. “I’m taking a shower. Then we can go pick up the kegs.”
Rico nods and continues to look uncomfortable.
It’s amazing how much energy is required in order to avoid crying. I have to concentrate on breathing in and out or I’ll melt into sobs. A tear slips down my cheek anyway. Then another.
“Hey.” Rico’s hand lands on my shoulder. “I don’t think he meant it.”
I don’t know if that’s true. This is one of the days when I fear my brother has become someone else entirely.
A shadow falls in the kitchen and I look up to see Jace on the other side of the screen door. He’s looking at me and then his eyes cut sharply to Rico, who slowly withdraws his hand from my shoulder.
With the back of my hand I wipe the tears from my cheeks and rush over to the door, eager for the comfort of Jace’s arms.
“You okay?” He holds me but then pulls back to examine my face. Once more he glances at Rico with suspicion.
“I’m great now that you’re here. This is Rico. He’s Colt’s friend. They’re on the Bredon team together. Rico, this is my boyfriend, Jace Zielinski.”
Rico knows how to be polite and offers his hand. “Right, I’ve heard about you. The new Arcana quarterback.”
Jace shakes his hand but comes across with a rather chilly attitude, either because he didn’t like seeing another guy so close to his girlfriend or because he’s still uncomfortable with his promotion. After leading Arcana High to clean victories in the first two games of the season, local sports writers are beginning to sit up and take notice of this kid with a remarkable arm who seemed to come out of nowhere.
Rico, perhaps sensing the tension, decides to go wait for Colt out in the backyard.
When he’s gone, I wrap my arms around my boyfriend and indulge in a long, slow kiss.
“Missed you so much all week,” I murmur and trail more kisses along his neck.
He slides a hand under my shirt. “Missed you too. You have no idea.”
At the sound of rustling papers, I look around in confusion. “What’s that?”
He grins and holds up a plain red pocket folder. “You wanted to read it.”
With a squeal I grab at the folder. Jace has only shared a couple of his short stories and I’ve been begging him to let me read his longer work in progress. “How many chapters do you have now?”
“Seventeen. I smuggled my laptop into school and printed it out there.”
I clutch the folder to my chest. “I’m so excited.”
“Hope you’re not disappointed.”
I plant a kiss on his lips. “You could never disappoint me. Let me just put this in my room.”
Ordinarily I would invite Jace to my room for a more private display of just how much I’ve missed him since last weekend but with Colt roaming around in a foul mood that’s a risk. I’m relieved to hear the shower still running and then feel crappy for being afraid to run into my own brother.
“I don’t want to stay here.” I kiss Jace once more upon returning to the kitchen and pull him outside.
He suggests grabbing some fast food and then driving back to Arcana. Gloria has been asking to see me.
“I would love that.” I twirl my hair around one finger and watch the lackluster sights of Bredon roll past the window. Bredon is slightly larger than Arcana and less interesting. Colt has become an instant king of the social scene at Bredon High but I’ve been keeping to myself.
“A word of warning,” Jace adds. “My dad’s in town.”
“Again?” Visits from Jace’s father have always been infrequent but lately he’s been showing up more often.
Jace exhales noisily. “You should hear him going on and on about football bullshit and how he always knew I was better than second string. He’s like a fucking broken record that’s stuck on one note. He doesn’t give a shit about anything else I’m doing.”
I touch his knee. “Forget him.”
Jace nods. “He probably won’t be around when we get there anyway. When he’s not harassing me about the game he’s off at the Taproom getting plastered.”
I chew my lip and wonder if I should ask a delicate question. “Have you asked him yet?”
Lately Jace has been talking about trying to locate his mother. The problem is, he has no idea where to start. His father might.
“Not yet,” he admits.
After patting his knee in sympathy I change the subject. “By the way, that brother of mine decided to have a party tonight. If my mom finds out she’ll strangle him. Plus, if he gets into trouble it might mess with the terms of his probation.”
Jace frowns into the harsh rays of the setting sun. “He blocked me.”
“What? When?”
“I don’t know. I tried to text him yesterday and got the message that I’d been blocked.”
“Shit.” My heart sinks.
We pause at a stop light. Jace reaches for my hand.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t want to tell you.” He sighs. “I don’t think Colt’s going to give an inch anytime soon.”
I shake my head. “He has to.”
Colt can’t possibly stay angry forever. He’ll come around sooner or later. Until then all we can do is weather the storm.
Jace shifts in his seat. “I was thinking that maybe you should come back to Arcana anyway. Live with your dad.”
I’m surprised. “And leave Colt alone in the middle of his downward spiral?”
“Tor, he’s not himself anymore. And he treats you like garbage. He’s the reason you were crying again today, isn’t he?”
“It doesn’t matter. You know he doesn’t have anyone else to help him.”
“He doesn’t want anyone to help him, including you.”
“Go back to Arcana. You won’t be missed here.”
In spite of Colt’s cruel remarks in the kitchen, my next words are stubborn. “I won’t leave my brother. No matter how badly he behaves. Don’t ask me to.”
Jace sighs, starts to speak and then changes his mind.
Fighting about Colt will just waste our evening together and we don’t get nearly enough of those.
“So tell me what’s going on at school. Who broke up with who and who’s fighting with who.”
Jace cheers up and fills me in on all the gossip I’ve missed while we eat greasy burgers and fries for dinner. He always insists on paying for our dates and refuses my offers to chip in my babysitting cash for gas money even though I know driving back and forth to Bredon all the time in his gas guzzling truck must cost him a small fortune.
Returning to the borders of my hometown is like being doused in happy dust. “Arcana, I’ve missed you!” I call out the window to everybody and nobody.
Jace laughs.
Gloria steps outside as soon as we arrive and she throws her arms open to squeeze me in a hug. I breathe in her familiar scent of lemon and lavender and allow myself to be led through the open door where everything will be just as it always has been for all the years I’ve been coming here.
Home. Home. Home.
I hardly look at the house next door, the one I lived in all my life. Gloria’s house has always meant more to me.
Gloria has baked cinnamon cookies and brewed green tea, which she serves to us in the living room. She asks after Colt and even though I don’t tell her the worst parts I tell her enough to make her face fall with sadness.
Darkness has settled and Jace switches on the frosted end table lamp that I know is an antique originally from Gloria’s parents’ home.
“Oh, you finished it.” I point to the framed cross stitch quote on the paneled wall and read it out loud. “’What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.’ Does it say Helen Keller on the bottom?”
“It does,” Gloria nods. “My favorite of her quotes.”
At the urging of Gloria and Jace, I sit down to the piano and play my old favorite, For Elise. I have no access to a piano in Bredon so I don’t get to play anymore and suddenly, desperately, I miss music.
Jace excuses himself to use the rest room and I tinker with the piano keys. Someday, when Jace and I have our own home, there will be a piano. And I’ll play every day.
The front door opens with a swiftness that startles me and a different Jacek Zielinski staggers through it.
There are enough family photos nailed to the walls around Gloria’s house for me to know that Jace’s father was once extremely good looking. His hair was lighter and his complexion fairer than Jace’s but he passed his broad shouldered build and facial features along to his son.
Now, however, he’s about thirty pounds overweight and his face has become ruddy and swollen, probably thanks to his bad habits and drinking.
Gloria tenses visibly at the sight of her son and I think I hear her sigh.
He looks around and skims over me with disinterest. “Where’s the kid? I need to talk to him.”
“He’ll be right out,” Gloria says and the irritation in her voice is unusual. “You remember Victoria Malene, don’t you?”
The flat stare Jace’s father gives me is unsettling. “Sure. Eric and Janna’s girl.”
“Hi, Mr. Zielinski.” I’m trying to sound cheerful but I can’t help but notice he looks at me as if I’m carrying a contagious disease.
“You and Jace are a thing now, huh?” He lights a cigarette. “The boy never shuts up about you.”
Well, he could have put that a little more nicely. “Yes. We’ve been together since the beginning of the summer and-“
“Jace should be concentrating on football.” He exhales a cloud of nicotine, either not knowing or not caring that his mother hates cigarette smoke. “Not dicking around with puppy love.”
Okay, now I’m officially embarrassed. I also officially despise him.
“Tori is not a distraction,” Gloria says sharply. “She makes your son happy and you will be kind to her.”
He walks over to the piano and taps out his cigarette ashes into a turquoise vase that Gloria’s husband gave her on a long ago anniversary. He acts like his mother is not in the room and gives me another penetrating look. “I heard your dad married some twenty-five-year-old beauty queen. I saw them getting food at Dave’s the other day. Lucky guy.” He spits this out with clear resentment.
I try to remember if there was some longstanding feud between my father and Jace’s. They went to Arcana High at the same time. They played football together and they used to be friends. Something changed along the way because I’m aware that my father has disliked him for a long time. Other than that, the last generation has kept their quarrels to themselves and I know nothing.
He taps out more ashes and seems to be waiting for me to say something. I’m eager to switch the subject away from my father in the hopes he’ll lose that cold shine in his eyes.
“My mother got married recently too.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I heard that. She found some sucker who sells insurance in Bredon. His funeral.”
Despite the fact that I’m not exactly my mother’s biggest cheerleader, I get defensive. “And what are you doing these days, Mr. Zielinski? Aside from wandering to this corner of the world now and then to harass your son about football? Because otherwise it’s pretty clear you don’t really give a damn about him.”
I’ve said too much. I have no right to intrude on Jace’s relationship with his father, however dysfunctional it may be. The man’s expression shifts from mild contempt to sheer loathing and for a second I’m afraid.
Worse, Gloria is now upset. Despite everything her son has done, she still loves him with all her heart and she covers her face with her hands as if to escape from my harsh words.
Jace’s father works his jaw. “Seems like you’ve got my boy wrapped around your little finger.”
Gloria uncovers her face and throws a glare at her son. “That’s uncalled for. Tori is family.”
“Like hell she is. That little piece of work obviously has all kinds of plans for my son and since she’s Janna’s daughter I’m sure she knows a few tricks already.”
Gloria shoots to her feet and shouts. “Enough! You will not speak that way in my house.”
A door opens down the hall and Jace appears in the living room, clearly bewildered. “What’s going on?” He notices his father and takes a step back.
Jace’s father straightens up and becomes brisk. “Good news. I ran into Ken Lydell at the Taproom. You know his local radio show on KZIM? He’s been profiling the best up and comers on the high school football scene and he wants to interview you. You need to be at the station at nine a.m. tomorrow morning.”
Jace scratches his head and makes a face. “I don’t want to be interviewed on a radio show.”
His father acts like he doesn’t hear Jace at all. “I’ll drive you. I also had a talk with Andrew Toledo. We’re having dinner at his house tomorrow to talk about attracting interest from college scouts.”
Jace is scowling now. “I never said I wanted to play college ball.”
“Don’t be a fucking idiot. Toledo says you’re insanely talented and you’ve been wasting your potential.”
“Dad, this is not up for discussion right now! Tori and I have plans tonight.”
I don’t miss the quick glance of revulsion Jace’s father sends in my direction.
“If Tori actually cares about you then she won’t want to stand in the way of your success. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, son, letting some scheming female kill your chances in life.”
Jace bristles. “So you’re saying everything that went wrong was Mom’s fault? Because I remember you weren’t exactly a prince to live with. It’s no wonder she left.”
The man snorts. “Yeah, she left. She left me and she left you too in case you didn’t notice. And you know what else? She replaced us with a whole other family. Returned to Peru and married some fucker who already had a couple of kids. She never wanted you and she left you behind without a second’s hesitation the first chance she got.”
“Jace!” Gloria cries and it takes me a second to understand that she’s actually addressing her son. “Stop this right now.”
Meanwhile, his father’s words have hit Jace harder than any blow and his voice is shaky. “You’re a miserable bastard and you don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. I want to hear my mother’s side of the story and I’ve been planning to find her whether you like it or not.”
“Well, that will be some kind of miracle because she’s dead.”
Gloria gasps and touches the beads at her throat. I want to run to Jace and somehow shield him from his father’s cruelty but I can’t move.
Jace’s father finally shows some human emotion. His chin shudders and he clutches the side of the piano. “That’s right. She’s dead.”
Jace reels from the news. He leans over and grips the back of the armchair for strength. “How? How did she die?”
Jace Sr. coughs and looks away. “Bus crash.”
Jace’s face is a mask of grief. And suspicion. “Why do I get the feeling you didn’t just find this out?”
His father shrugs. “I heard about it some time back.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know, two years or something.”
“Two fucking years and you couldn’t find a way to mention to me that my mother was dead?”
Jace Sr. has no pity. “You’re better off.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“She didn’t like being your mother. You know that.”
“I hate you,” Jace whispers and sways on his feet. “I fucking hate everything about you.”
Gloria sobs on the couch.
“That’s good.” Jace’s father nods with approval. “Use that fire on the field, kid.”
Jace lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a cry and a scream. He punches the wall.
“Tori,” Gloria whispers in agony. “Please help him. Get him out of here.”
She’s afraid that this will escalate into violence. So am I. After witnessing Jace and my brother brawling until they were both bloody, I have no stomach for seeing anymore violence.
I run to Jace and wrap my arms around him.
“Come with me,” I plead.
He buries his face in my hair and nods. I grab his hand and pull him to the door. I’m prepared to run over anyone who gets in our way.
But Jace’s father remains where he is beside the piano. The look on his face is almost smug. I have no clue why. What on earth does the man think he’s won here tonight? He’s broken his son’s heart in every way.
Jace is crying by the time we get to his truck and I take his keys because he’s in no condition to drive. I can’t remember ever seeing Jace cry before. Maybe years ago, when we were kids. But nothing like this. He rocks back and forth in the passenger seat and gasps through his tears in between low moans of agony as I steer the way out of Arcana.
“I’m here,” I tell him through tears of my own and I don’t know what else to say. His level of pain is not one I can relate to.
Jace needs to be somewhere he can process this fresh grief in peace. Sadly, no options come to mind. The house where my dad lives with Rochelle is not far, but I know he’s out of town on a trucking run and his pregnant wife would probably not be excited to welcome two distraught teenagers. Jace has plenty of local friends but I can’t think of anyone he really confides in. Besides, gossip spreads like wildfire in Arcana and there’s been a lot more interest in Jace now that he’s the star quarterback. By tomorrow morning, everyone in town would know of his family’s sordid conflict and I’m sure he doesn’t want that.
As a last resort, I point the truck towards Bredon. My mother and Rusty won’t be returning for another three days. Jace can stay there and hopefully his shitshow of a father will have cleared out by then. I curse silently when I remember Colt’s stupid party but fuck it. I’ll make him kick everybody out. Even with my brother’s new crappy outlook on life, he can’t possibly be heartless enough to turn his back on his best friend right now.
The drive to Bredon gives Jace a chance to calm down. He opens the window and leans into the fresh air that spills in.
“I love you,” I tell him. He closes his eyes and breathes.
The sounds of Colt’s house party travels from two streets way. There are cars everywhere and the music is blasting. I don’t know how the neighbors have not yet called the police but I’m betting someone will get fed up enough to do just that pretty soon.
There are people all over the front yard. Some of them I recognize from my limited time at Bredon High but many are kids I’ve never seen before. More than a few look too old to be in high school.
Jace allows me to take his hand and lead him through the mayhem. The first friendly face I find belongs to Rico. He’s standing with a cluster of football players in the living room and they’re all gripping red cups filled with beer.
“Where’s Colt?” I scream at him over the music.
He thinks about it. “No idea.”
Meanwhile, a couple of the other guys have recognized Jace. “What, the Arcana QB can’t wait until next month’s game to get his ass kicked?”
Sharp, ugly laugher. “Looks like someone already stepped on his pussy.”
Jace doesn’t have any fight in him at the moment. He just lowers his head and lets their insults go unchallenged.
I don’t want to take a chance on these drunk idiots so I lead Jace away and down the hall to my bedroom. I’m displeased to interrupt a blow job in progress beside my desk.
“Get the hell out!” I shout at the half dressed couple.
They’re young and timid enough to scurry away like rabbits.
“Stay here.” I kiss Jace on the mouth and gently urge him to sit on my bed. “I’ll be right back.”
Wading back into the party chaos is the last thing I feel like doing but I have no choice so I grit my teeth and go hunting for my brother.
“Tori.” My quest is interrupted by Mia Decker, the editor in chief of the Bredon High newspaper. She’s in a few of my classes and her boyfriend is a linebacker on the team. My early impressions of her have not been positive. She smiles at me and somehow my skin crawls. “I was hoping we could chat. I’m planning an article to profile your brother now that he’s on the team.”
I try to look past her. “Have you seen Colt at all?”
She flips her long brown hair over one shoulder. “I think I saw him out back. But listen, I also know you’re with the Arcana quarterback and given the longstanding rivalry between the two teams-“
“Not now,” I mutter and push her aside, not very gently. Her beer sloshes out of the cup and splashes onto her purple shirt. I hear her call me a bitch and don’t give a damn.
She was right. Colt is in the backyard. He’s sprawled on a lounge chair with his eyes closed and his hand up the shirt of a girl in my chemistry class while she sucks on his neck.
I smack my hands together six inches from his face. “COLT!”
The girl yelps and topples to the ground.
“Fuck,” my brother grumbles and sits up, his eyes bleary. He sees me and scowls. “What the hell?”
I grab his muscled arm and try to haul him off the lounge chair. It’s more difficult than it sounds. When I don’t give up, he finally cooperates and lets me drag him over to the side of the house.
“You need to get all these people out,” I tell him. “Jace is here.”
He rubs his eyes. “So fucking what?”
“Colt, listen. Tonight Jace found out his mother is dead. And his father said…Oh god, it was awful. He’s in my room and he’s extremely upset.”
My brother sways and tries to focus on me. He’s so drunk that I’m not sure if what I’m saying is even sinking in.
“Please, Colt. Kick everyone out and come with me to talk to him. You know what his father’s like and he’s gotten worse. He told Jace that his mother abandoned him without a second thought, that she never even wanted him. And now she’s dead. Jace is heartbroken. He needs his best friend.”
For a moment Colt wavers. He drops his head and breathes heavily. “That sucks,” he says, his words slurred but still genuine.
A voice bellows from another part of the yard. “Hey Malene, where’s the other keg? This one’s empty!”
He turns to the party noise and his face changes to confusion. Then to indifference.
“Colt,” I try to grab him but he shakes me off.
“We’ve all got our problems,” he mutters and staggers away.
I throw out one final plea. “If you won’t do this for Jace then do it for me! Please.”
But he’s already gone. He disappears into the house, either to search for more beer or a new hookup partner.
I’m left with no alternative. Through a haze of anger at my brother and at Jace’s father and at all the horrible injustice of absolutely everything, I march into the living room, locate the speaker that’s pumping out music and rip it right out of the wall.
The sudden silence is louder than a gunshot and everyone looks around in confusion.
“EXCUSE ME!” I climb on the nearest chair and wave my arms. “I have just called the police so you idiots can either stick around and get busted or run your drunk asses out of my house right now.”
That’s all it takes to scatter them like insects. I would laugh if I were at all in the mood to laugh.
“Fucking hell, Tori.” Colt’s face is flushed with anger as he glowers up at me.
I hop down, push him out of the way, and return to my bedroom where Jace awaits. Of course, I have not called the police at all but no one knows that and the furious departure continues. I don’t know if Colt follows his new friends. I’m too tired and heartsick to worry about my damn brother anymore tonight.
Everything I have to give right now is for Jace. He’s still sitting on my bed, just where I left him, and when his haunted eyes find me, a very deep ache grips my soul. I hold him close and ask him how I can help. Jace responds with a kiss that’s nearly ferocious. He drops his pants and he lets me know what he needs right now instead of words. We make love on top of the covers in a desperate, frenzied way and only when he’s asleep with his arms securely wrapped around me do I remember that we’ve forgotten something, something important.
But instead of worrying, I close my eyes, burrow against his warmth and wish for sleep.
I know that Jace and I can face anything together. Hideous parents and cruel people and brutal forces that would do anything to separate us.
We will win.
As long as we have each other.