Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Then
They waited until the day of the rivalry game, Mia Decker and her pals at the Bredon Bulletin newsroom. Then they splashed the article across the front page.
Arcana High’s New Star Quarterback Brings The Drama
Instead of concentrating on the finer points of athletics for tonight’s game between two longstanding regional rivals, it’s a hit piece on Jace.
And it’s brutal.
The focus is on Jace’s troubled family history. His fractured relationship with his father. His mother’s abandonment and death. The wreck of his friendship with Colt. Colt is quoted in the article.
Colt Malene, Zielinski’s former best friend and Bredon High’s promising new addition to the offensive line, simply sneered, “We’ve all got problems,” in response to the news that his childhood pal is seeking sympathy for his issues at home.
As bad as Colt is these days, I can’t picture him backstabbing Jace to some idiot high school reporter. I tried to ask him. I followed him around at school today. I told him over and over that I needed to talk to him. He ignored me and just got on the bus with the rest of the team to travel to the game.
Even so, I doubt Colt would have agreed to an interview or provided a quote.
I know for damn sure that I didn’t.
In an interview with Zielinski’s girlfriend, Bredon High junior Tori Malene, she provided a slightly softer take on the troubled quarterback. “Jace’s mother abandoned him without a second thought. She never even wanted him. And now she’s dead. Jace is heartbroken.”
I didn’t utter those words to Mia or to anyone else on the Bredon Bulletin. But they do have a ring of truth. I remember saying something similar to Colt on the night of the party, the night Jace heard the devastating news for himself. Colt was so drunk it’s a toss up whether or not he remembers that we even spoke. Someone, probably Mia herself, must have been listening.
But Jace doesn’t know that.
And I can’t explain it to him.
I haven’t been able to talk to him at all for five days. My mother finally got wind of Colt’s house party last month. She was angry enough to take Colt’s phone away. And then, for good measure and because she thinks I should have somehow stopped him, she took mine away too.
There’s no landline in the house. And it’s not like I have a bunch of friends I can borrow phones from at school. I don’t really have any friends at Bredon at all. A girl named Emma in my pre-calculus class agreed to let me use her phone and I tried to call Jace but he didn’t answer and his voicemail wasn’t working. Then Emma wanted her phone back so I couldn’t try again.
So Jace has no idea that I have no phone and he’s surely been wondering why I’m ignoring him. Over the last few weeks we haven’t seen each other nearly as much because he’s been so busy with the team. Arcana is undefeated so far. He probably thinks I’m annoyed that he hasn’t had time for me, but I’m not. I’m proud of him. I know that he’s still reeling over his father’s cruel news and needs the distraction he gets from football. I miss him. It’s true that we’ve been arguing far too often lately, but I’m not mad at all.
By now, I’m sure someone has shown him the Bredon Bulletin. He’s read the quotes from Colt and from me. He has to feel betrayed. I need to talk to him in the worst way.
And, just because nothing is fair, there’s one more horrifying complication.
My period is late. Very late.
Yes, my period is nowhere to be found and there was that one time (just one time!) when we failed to use protection. I’ve been doing my best not to think about it but I’m afraid. I don’t even have anyone else I can talk to. My mother would scream her head off, Colt couldn’t care less, and I can’t bear the thought of my father finding out. Gloria would listen, but I haven’t been able to get to Gloria at all. I’ve been stuck in Bredon all week with no freaking phone.
The clock runs out on the second quarter. The teams trot back into the locker rooms for a brief half time break.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I’m poked in the shoulder by the girl seated on my right. This is the Bredon High section. I figured sitting among the Arcana kids would lead to trouble, as I’m sure to be persona non grata in those circles at the moment thanks to my Bredon Bulletin infamy.
The girl is peering at me with concern, probably because I’ve been leaning over and gripping my belly. I thought I felt some cramping and became hopeful but then it faded. I could visit the restroom and check for my period for the thousandth time but I have no desire to run into anyone from Arcana High.
“Yeah, I’m all right.” I’m sweating. I feel terrible and I can’t remember if I’ve eaten anything today.
The girl gives me a sympathetic look. She’s probably a nice person. If I introduced myself, we might even become friends and I could really use a friend or two right now. Too bad I don’t have the energy to smile and ask her name. I breathe deeply and try to get comfortable on the horrid metal bleachers.
To get here from Bredon, I caught a ride with Rico’s parents. They’re down in one of the front rows cheering for their son and I don’t want to trouble them with my problems. My own parents are not here but then again, Colt wasn’t on the game day roster. He probably won’t even play tonight.
Jace, on the other hand, has been brilliant. At half time, Arcana High leads by twenty four points.
The band plays a couple of spirited songs and the cheerleaders rile up the crowd. The Bredon High side is fairly quiet while the Arcana section goes wild, hungry for yet another win. There’s already been talk about a state championship and it’s true that kind of talk floats around every year, but this year with Jace leading the team the goal seems to be within reach.
I sit up straight when the two teams come running back to the field. I have no reason to hope that Jace will sense I’m sitting here and look over. I’d feel worlds better if our eyes could meet, if he could know that I’m here and that we’re still us. He looks so far away. He’s focused on the game. He’s handing out fists bumps to his teammates. The cheerleaders blow kisses at him. He turns and his back is now to me.
He’s still mine. He’s still the boy I love more than anything. Yet I’ve never felt more disconnected from him.
My stomach pitches and rolls. I bite my lip hard to fend off the latest wave of nausea.
The clock is about to start again and I notice that Colt is now part of the game. Suddenly uneasy, I watch him take a position in the defensive formation. The Bredon coach might have thrown him out there on defense in order to mix things up after a disastrous first half. Or he might be hoping to rattle Jace by playing his best friend against him.
Former best friend.
There’s the snap. My fingernails dig into my palms. Jace has the ball and he’s searching for his target. A Bredon player tries to bring him down but Jace pivots away. He finds a hole, runs with the ball and gains almost twenty yards. The two teams are locked in their gladiator struggle and blocking every path forward. Then Jace spots Alex Lasorda, who has broken away and signals ten yards from the end zone. Jace fires the ball and it’s a bullet that makes a perfect landing into the waiting hands of Alex, who turns and runs the rest of the distance for an easy touchdown.
The Arcana side erupts.
I’m still watching the field. I see exactly what happens in the seconds after the ball leaves Jace’s hands. Colt abandons his position and barrels toward Jace for a crushing tackle. There’s no strategy to the move. Jace doesn’t even have the ball anymore. This is personal and everyone on the field and in the bleachers knows it.
The Arcana players are irate. The Bredon players shove back. Within seconds there’s a knock down brawl on the field between the two teams. Coaches and referees and even a few big men from the stands rush out to break up the fight.
It’s beyond awful.
When all is said and done, everyone is able to walk away without any serious injuries. Jace’s team follows him to the sidelines and they collectively glower at the Bredon guys. A massive penalty is called and Colt is thrown out of the game. At this point, his teammates are not very happy with him and he stands apart, completely alone. Colt tears off his helmet and hurls it all the way to the end zone. The Bredon High head coach shouts something to him and Colt gives the man the finger. Then he spits on the ground and walks away.
I’m surprised to see Susanna Toledo run over. She tries to grab Colt’s arm but he twists away. She tries again and he turns to say something to her. I have no idea what he says but it’s enough to make Susanna’s face crumple with heartbreak. Colt leaves her behind without a second glance.
It occurs to me that I should run after my brother and try to talk to him. In the not-too-distant past nothing would have stopped me. But that was then. Now all I can do is sit frozen in place on the metal bleachers and feel vague pity for Susanna Toledo.
A flurry of activity on the Arcana sideline catches my attention. The Arcana High players, Colt’s former teammates and friends, have watched the entire scenario unfold. They are pointing and laughing. All of them, including Jace. And even though I know my brother deserves scorn for his behavior, I get angry anyway.
The final score is a blowout. Arcana wins by thirty eight points.
Many in the Bredon crowd have already left. Rico’s parents stay until the end and ask if I need a ride home. Rico’s mother looks at me with curiosity when I shake my head.
The stands empty out. Jace has returned to the locker room with the rest of his team. While I have little desire to run into anyone from Arcana, particularly after the spectacle Colt made, I don’t have much choice. It’s not like I can call Jace and let him know that I’m waiting out here.
First, I stop by the gym to look for Gloria. She heads the parent committee that sells game day refreshments and raffle tickets. Game days are always very busy for her.
I recognize the women staffing the refreshment table. They’re all mothers of my classmates. My own mother has always treated school volunteer work with as much enthusiasm as she would have for a root canal. She’s never been part of this group. But the rest of them know me. I approach Mrs. Graff, who was the class mother for three years straight in grade school. She used to bring homemade donuts on every holiday.
“Hi, Mrs. Graff. Have you seen Gloria Zielinski?”
“No,” she says and doesn’t offer additional information. Then she gives me a dirty look. Her daughter Brynna and I aren’t friends but we’re not enemies either. In the past, Brynna and Colt have dated, if you can call it that.
Except for my recent move to Bredon, Arcana has been my home for my entire life. Every face I see is a familiar one. And I’ve never felt lonelier and more unwelcome.
The taste of sour bile warns that I’m about to dry heave all over the floor of the Arcana High gymnasium. Cupping my hand over my mouth, I run out the double doors and into the cool night air. The parking lot is still a riot of activity, now mostly filled with the student body celebrating their team’s game win and piling into pickup trucks so they can congregate somewhere on the outer fringes of town until Radcliff and his deputies put an end to the fun.
The team always exits the locker room from the side doors after a game. I keep my head down and try to blend into the shadows as I edge in that direction but my presence doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Hey Tori,” calls a voice with a harsh edge, a male voice I can’t identify unless I look up, which I’m unwilling to do. “Did you get paid in cock or cash to sell your boyfriend out?”
“Had a good time watching your dipshit brother get his ass handed to him,” laughs another boy.
“Bitch,” spits someone else.
Normally I wouldn’t dream of failing to stand tall and flip off whoever needed to be flipped off. Today I’m too tired. They can all go to hell. I just want Jace.
When I look up, there he is. Not twenty yards away, nestled in the bed of a huge orange pickup truck. The truck belongs to Tony Moldano, the team kicker who gets a new truck every year because his dad works for a used car dealer in Plainsfield.
Jace is surrounded by a pack of cheerleaders and it’s an odd sight. At first he doesn’t look particularly happy but then Brynna Graff hangs on his arm and says something. He smiles. Daria Fletcher presses her cheek to his and holds her phone up to snap a photo.
I know I should wave my arms, shout his name, but somehow I can’t. I’m not afraid he won’t see me. I’m afraid he will see me and will remain with his new friends anyway.
Tony’s truck pulls away. Three other vehicles follow, caravan style. The occupants all carry on and shout and wave the blue and white colors of Arcana High.
I lean into the nearest wall and close my eyes. Then I open them and see that I am the object of some attention. A knot of eight students, a mixture of juniors and seniors, are standing on the other side of the parking lot and watching me. It’s an understatement to say that they look unfriendly.
Not in the mood to withstand any more abuse right now, I walk around the side of the building, take a shortcut through the nearest open door and hurry through the deserted halls of my former high school. By the time I’m through the front door I’m sure no one has followed me. I don’t intend to go back, not even to look for Gloria. The best thing I can do right now for the sake of self preservation is escape the grounds of Arcana High.
The familiar streets are all dark. Some houses still have lights on. I see people sitting in their living rooms and washing dishes in the kitchen. My legs feel leaden and heavy. Everything is wrong. Arcana doesn’t feel like home anymore and Jace is slipping away from me.
With one hand I cradle my belly.
I need to know.
Before I can think clearly, I need to know.
The Arcana Drugstore is a place where I’ve bought candy and popsicles and clearance bin makeup. I’ve been there countless times in the company of Jace and Colt. The narrow aisles feel haunted. I find what I’m looking for fairly quickly and I’m relieved that I have just enough money to pay for it. I’m holding two boxes in my hand and wondering which would be the better choice when a shadow falls.
Suddenly I remember where I am. In small town busybody Arcana. Where you can’t purchase a pregnancy test in privacy without some ghoulish cheerleader materializing to taunt you.
Emma McDermott pops the wad of pink gum in her mouth. She’s still dressed in her uniform, hair tied up with a big blue blow. Her smile is cold. “Worried about something, Malene?”
“Fuck off,” I mutter and push past her.
She trails me to the cash register. In the parking lot there’s a car full of kids, all juniors. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Emma texting furiously on her phone. I was planning to use the rest room in the back but now I can’t stick around here for a second longer than necessary. I collect my change and run out.
A horn blares, startling me into dropping the bag. I snatch it up and hear laughter. My heart pounds as I cut through the parking lot and slip through a hole in the chain link fence. That hole has been there for years. Maybe it’s been there since my parents were kids. Colt and Jace and I used to walk the three blocks from our street and cut through that same hole all the time.
At least Emma and her pals aren’t chasing me. I don’t have anywhere to go so I slowly walk the same route I’ve walked thousands of times before. I walk home to Tumbleweed Lane. My old house is dark and silent. The new family living there has two toddlers and they probably go to sleep early.
But there’s a light on at Gloria’s house. A hopeful piece of me wonders if maybe it’s Jace, that he abandoned the post game festivities and came home instead. He never did like wild parties. He simply tolerated them.
Even if Jace isn’t home, Gloria will hopefully be here by now. I would give anything to cry on Gloria’s shoulder and beg for her advice. Gloria will know what to do. She always does.
Stepping up to the door, I press the doorbell just as an ominously intense cramp nearly doubles me over.
The doorbell chime echoes.
Please be home. Please someone be home.
And someone is home. It’s just not someone I care to see, now or ever.
Jace’s father opens the door and flicks his eyes over me. He smells like a dirty bar. He considers the situation for a moment and then smirks. “What was your name again?”
I’m having trouble standing up straight. “You know my name.”
He shrugs. “With all the girls coming around here in search of Jace, it’s tough to keep track.”
He’s a liar. He’s always been a liar. Yet I can’t deny that his words sting. Watching Jace laughing in the parking lot while cheerleaders draped themselves all over him didn’t do wonders for my self esteem.
“Where is Jace?”
A shrug. “I don’t know. Celebrating. Like he deserves to.”
I hate asking him for a favor. Absolutely hate it. “I don’t have a phone. Can you please call him and let him know that I’m here?”
He enjoys delivering this next blow. “I know he had plans with that cute cheerleader. She came by first thing this morning with a homemade cake. What was her name? Oh yeah, Brynna. Anyway, I’m sure they’re off having a good time. But I’ll pass the message along that you showed up. He can call you tomorrow if he feels like it.”
The door slams in my face.
A double dose of agony steals my breath.
A surge of fierce cramping wreaks havoc within.
And my heart shatters into a million pieces.
Jace wouldn’t. He wouldn’t! He wouldn’t…
He’s never shown the slightest interest in Brynna. In fact, he thinks she’s as dumb as a bag of dirt. My mind veers back to the game, to the uncomfortable impression that the rising superstar out there on the field is now the king of a world that doesn’t include me.
With my breath staggering out in pained gasps, I stumble out of the front yard. I don’t know what to do. Everything is a whirlpool of agony. I have no money, no phone. I’ll be damned if I knock on the door and ask for assistance from the elder Jace Zielinski. Or anyone else around here.
I have only one option. My father’s house is five blocks away. With every step I’m sure that the searing pain ripping through me is more than a broken heart. And certainly more than my period. There’s an unpleasant rush between my legs, accompanied by another wave of severe cramping. I pause to vomit on someone’s front lawn. This house already has Halloween decorations up. Smiling cartoon pumpkins and cheerful skeletons. Minutes pass or maybe it’s hours, all of them horrible, until I reach my father’s front door.
“DADDY!” I pound on the door with my palm. Another agonizing cramp seizes my belly and I slide to the front stoop with a groan.
The door opens but it’s Rochelle’s voice that exclaims, “Tori! Honey, what happened?”
Soft arms try to help me to my feet. The pain destroys me and another hot rush between my legs warns of disaster.
“Bathroom,” I choke out and she steers me down the hall. She tries to follow me inside but I shake my head and close her out.
My fingers tremble as I pull my pants down.
And I look. “No, oh no, please no.”
Seeing it is worse than imagining. So much worse.
“Tori?” Rochelle knocks on the door and sounds a little panicked. “Can I please come in?”
I can’t answer her. I can hardly even hear her. I’m coiled in a ball of agony on the tiled floor and wailing at the top of my lungs.
The doorknob rattles. A moment later there’s the click of a key and then the door swings open. Rochelle lets out a cry of anguish at the sight of me.
“I’m sorry,” I moan as my teeth begin to chatter, and I am sorry. I’m very sorry that I’m doing this to her, bleeding all over her pink bathroom and forcing her to participate in the worst moment of my life.
Rochelle asks me frantic questions and I answer them the best I can. Yes, I’ve been having sex. No, I haven’t had my period lately.
My father isn’t home and this is something of a small relief in the midst of despair. He’s on a trucking run and won’t be back until Monday.
I’d prefer to lie here on the floor in a haze of misery and pain but Rochelle insists on taking me to the hospital.
“Not here,” I beg. “Not in Arcana.”
Going to the local urgent care center would inevitably mean running into someone who knows who I am.
Rochelle cleans me up, which is difficult given that I’m still bleeding profusely. She wraps me in a warm robe with a thick pad between my legs and helps me to the car for the drive to Plainsfield.
The hospital is beyond dreadful. There’s the horror of the exam, the pain of the tests, the look of pity from the nurse and the bored tone of the doctor as he scribbles on a clipboard while declaring that the miscarriage is early and appears to be free of complications.
He raises a bushy grey eyebrow and peers at me over his spectacles. “But you should not resume intercourse until you’ve had a normal menstrual cycle and you’ve been given a follow up exam from your regular doctor.” He clicks a pen. “Your discharge paperwork will include literature on what to expect in the coming days and how to avoid unplanned pregnancy in the future.”
I hate him. Maybe it’s an irrational way to feel but I hate him. I roll over on my side so I don’t need to witness his compete lack of sympathy.
Rochelle thanks him in a sarcastic tone and dismisses him from the room.
“Tori?” She touches my shoulder. “It was Jace’s, wasn’t it?”
I don’t want to hear his name right now. Or maybe ever again. I clap my hands over my ears to prevent this.
“Okay.” Rochelle pats me gently. “We don’t have to talk about him.”
I remove my hands from my ears. “Don’t tell my dad please.”
“Honey, I’m sorry but I already did. You’re still a minor and you are on his health insurance. Your father needed to be told so he could sign the paperwork. Should I call your mother?”
“No!” I practically shout this. A nurse glances over. “No, she won’t care. She’ll only yell at me. She thinks I’m staying in Arcana tonight anyway.”
Rochelle sighs. She says she’s going to leave the decision up to my father but this makes me feel better because my father understands better than anyone what his ex wife is like. He won’t want to make my life anymore difficult than it already is. He won’t tell her if I ask him not to.
Without realizing it, I’m crying again. I’m heartbroken. I’m ashamed. And underneath it all is a mounting numbness that threatens to overpower everything else. In a way I welcome it. I’m so tired of feeling everything.
Once we receive the discharge paperwork, Rochelle drives me back to her house. On the way, she suggests that I can stay as long as I want. I don’t want to stay past tomorrow morning. I never want to spend another night in Arcana again, not ever.
The pain and the bleeding are not nearly as bad now and I feel well enough to take a shower, where I stand beneath the hot spray and wonder if Jace is having sex with Brynna at this very moment. Somehow I can’t quite make myself care.
Rochelle waits for me in the bedroom that would have been mine if I’d decided to move in here. Her dark eyes are full of real compassion and her pretty face is full of sorrow. There’s one hand resting on her stomach and I stare, wondering how I could have forgotten that she’s pregnant. She notices me looking and takes her hand away.
When Rochelle offers to make some tea, I nod weakly and climb under the covers. I want to sleep and yet I don’t because I understand that the agony will be waiting the next time I open my eyes.
Rochelle returns and sets a cup of tea on the bedside table. She touches my forehead the way a mother would. She gazes at me with sadness and asks if there’s anything at all she can do for me.
There’s not.
She’s nice. She means well and I have no doubt she cares. She just can’t help me.
No one can.