Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Jace
Now
The letter was placed in my hand yesterday and I still haven’t opened the envelope. It came to me by way of Paul Elkins. I suppose my father thought if he sent it directly, I might just tear it up.
I still might.
I can guess what’s in here. Lies, probably. Excuses, definitely.
Summer is here and the crickets are multiplying by the day. As I sit on my front porch in the moments just before dawn, their music has died down for a little while. There’s enough light for me to read now, if I want to.
With my forefinger, I break the seal of the envelope. The single page within is typewritten.
Dear Jacek,
I understand your anger. You have every reason to be angry. If you don’t want me to contact you anymore, then I won’t. Next month I’m moving to a small beach town in Mexico. My cell phone number will remain the same if you ever do want to call.
There’s something you need to know, even though it might make you hate me even more than you already do. It’s true that your mother’s choice to leave us was entirely her own. She was very unhappy and much of that was my fault. A long time passed before I heard from her at all. However, when you were about ten years old, she started calling and asking about you. I let her think that you were living with me and wanted nothing to do with her. I said that partly because I was still furious with her for leaving. I also knew that you were happy living with your grandmother and I didn’t want anything to mess that up.
I was wrong to keep this from you. The decision whether or not to forgive your mother was yours, not mine. I can’t do anything to fix that and now she’s gone. You were fourteen when I received a call from Marisol’s sister informing me of her death. She also wanted to reach out to you and I asked her not to. That’s another thing. You still have family in Peru. An aunt and some cousins. They know who you are, of course, but they keep their distance because they believe that’s what you want. Your aunt’s name and address will be listed at the end of this letter if you decide differently.
Son, I’m sorry that I messed things up so badly. I’m so sorry for everything.
I know I was not a good father. But I have always loved you.
Love,
Dad
P.S. If you choose to tell Colt anything, please also let him know that I’m sorry.
McClane trots over and dumps a toy football in my lap. I throw it all the way to the fence line and he gives chase. I carefully fold the letter along its existing crease and store it in my back pocket.
My emotions are all over the map and I’m not sure what to think. The letter doesn’t absolve my father in any way and that’s why I think everything he wrote is likely true.
The day might come when my anger subsides enough to pick up the phone and call him. You never know.
As for my mother, it’s a slight comfort to know that she tried. She just waited a long time to try and then didn’t try very hard. Perhaps she assumed she’d have time. Or maybe she just didn’t care all that much after all. I’ll never know. Just as I’ll never know whether I might have forgiven her eventually.
McClane bounds back to me and tries to instigate another round of fetch. “Sorry, buddy.” I rub his head. “I’ve got to leave so you need to go in the house.”
He dutifully follows and then gets excited when I fill his bowl with lamb and rice flavored kibble. He is so busy gobbling up his meal that he doesn’t even notice when I exit through the front door. Tori’s cooking breakfast this morning. Right after breakfast we’ll be saying goodbye to Colt.
Colt would have left sooner. He’s got a job up in Montana for the summer. He stuck around for an extra week because he promised Carrie he’d be at her dance recital. The recital happened last night. Carrie performed beautifully and was ecstatic that we all came to the show. She was presented with more flower bouquets than she could hold. We also got to meet Darren, the man Rochelle has recently begun dating. He’s the father of two little boys and he seems nice. I saw Tori slyly give Rochelle an approving thumbs up.
My spirits get a considerable lift when I find Tori in my grandmother’s kitchen. She’s dressed adorably in a blue and white apron over sexy shorts that get my pulse racing on sight.
“Good morning.” She’s distracted, overseeing a stack of pancakes with a spatula in her hand.
I get behind her, kiss her neck, and slip my arms around her waist. She hears me sigh and twists around to regard me with concern.
“Jace, what is it?”
“Nothing, now that I’m with you.”
She likes the corny line enough to reward me with a kiss.
“Where’s Colt?” I ask her.
“Packing up. He plans to get on the road right after breakfast.”
“You need any help?”
“No. But he might.”
I nuzzle her neck once more and my dick stirs. It’s not the time to do anything about that so I leave the kitchen in search of Colt. He’s in the spare room, zipping up the last of his bags. He looks up when I shadow the doorway.
He nods at me. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”
“Well, he’s leaving for Montana so I guess that’s kind of the case.”
Colt’s mouth tilts into a smile and he heaves a large duffel bag over one shoulder before standing in front of me. “It’s just for the summer. I’ll be back here in October.”
“Want me to carry anything?”
“Yeah, you can grab that one in the corner.”
We haul his bags out to his truck and secure them inside the bed in silence. Tori calls out through the open door that breakfast is ready so we return to the kitchen to share our last meal together for a while.
Tori has gone all out with pancakes and eggs and sausage. She notices that I’m not eating much and pats my hand with a quizzical look. Colt is packing food into his mouth like there’s no hope of finding another meal until he reaches Montana. I cut a wide wedge of blueberry pancake and fork it into my mouth. Tori’s expression changes to satisfaction.
Colt is eager to get on the road. Tori is already getting a little misty eyed when she sheds her apron and trails her brother outside. I follow close behind and keep my hand on her lower back.
The Malene siblings say their farewells first. Colt hugs his sister tight and murmurs something to her. She glances at me and nods. He lifts her off the ground for one final bear hug and then sets her down.
“Love you, Tor.” By now, Colt’s eyes are looking a little red too.
She wipes a tear from her cheek. “Love you too, little brother.”
Colt looks to me. His throat bobs. I don’t wait to see if he’ll offer a hug. I do it first.
“Take care of her,” he says in my ear.
“Forever,” I promise.
He thumps my back and says his final words in a whisper. “Till next time, brother.”
Colt lets go and heads straight for his truck. He waves from the window with his standard crooked grin and then backs out of the driveway, pausing for a second at the sight of Tori and me side by side. And then he drives away.
Till next time, brother.
Tori exhales. Her hair hides her face so I gently push it aside and run my fingertip over her cheek, brushing over the scar she’s self conscious about and shouldn’t be. She’s beautiful beyond compare no matter what.
I kiss her lips and earn a smile.
“I’ll miss him,” she says.
“So will I.”
“He told me to take care of you.”
I get a chuckle out of that. “Funny, he told me the same thing.”
I don’t add what else Colt said. Growing up, we were as close as any brothers ever were. That might have been his point. Or he might have meant something else.
Someday I’ll ask him.
Tori searches my face. “Something is bothering you. Did you read the letter?”
She knows about the letter. After all, she works in Paul’s office. She saw the letter arrive on Friday afternoon.
“Yes.” My lips touch her forehead. “How about we go to the house? All the work is done and I want you to see it.”
“I’d love to. Let me grab my purse and we can leave.”
We ride over together in my truck. I have no cause to be nervous and yet I’m nervous. Tori has seen the new place before, plenty of times. While I’ve been careful not to put any pressure on her in terms of a timeline, I’ve also been transparent about my hopes for the future. Our future.
Tori toys with a section of hair and smiles out the window as I make a right that leads to the narrow country lane with acreage properties.
“We used to ride our bikes out here sometimes,” she says. “Remember?” Then she shakes her head with a laugh. “Dumb question. You remember everything.”
Maybe not everything, but I do have a clear recollection of venturing this way alongside my two best friends. We were probably about seven or eight the first time and this was far outside the boundaries of where we were allowed to go. Colt was always the one to insist on pushing the envelope just a little bit more. We got lost on the way back. The sun was beginning to sink over the horizon, Colt became irritable and fear began to tighten my gut. Tori was the one who figured out how to get us home. Tori has always been the beacon leading me home.
“Oh, you painted the shutters!” She gets excited once the house is in sight.
“Blue, just like you suggested.”
She points. “And the rocking chairs on the front porch. Those are new.”
“Handcrafted by a guy in Plainsfield. You should see his shop. He can make anything. There’s a matching pair out on the back patio.”
Tori continues to be charmed as she takes it all in. “I’m so glad you decided against paving the driveway. I like the rustic country look of the dirt.”
“I know. That’s why I kept it that way.”
She unbuckles her seatbelt and leans over to kiss my cheek. “Give me the full tour,” she orders and then jumps out of the truck.
We hold hands on the short walk to the front door. I’d love to sweep her into my arms and carry her over the threshold but I don’t want to overdo it. There will be plenty of chances for that.
McClane knows who is here and tries to head butt his way through the door. A split second after I get it unlocked he barrels outside, crying with excitement.
“How’s my boy?” Tori gets down on his level to show him love. “I know, I haven’t seen you in two whole days. Come on.” She stands and slaps her hand on her thigh. “Let’s go inside.”
The furnishings are all new. I decided against shipping any of the luxury items from my old house. None of it would have matched with the vibe of this place. I haven’t even been back there. I hired someone to box up all my personal crap and then sold off everything else. Tori picked out most of the new stuff, or at least offered input.
She now roams from room to room with a broad smile on her face.
“Jace, it’s so perfect.” She pauses to touch the keys of the antique piano that was prominently positioned in the living room so she would feel comfortable sitting down to play whenever the mood strikes her.
I rest my hands on her shoulders and massage lightly.
Tori leans back with a happy sigh. “Want to show me the backyard?”
“I want to show you everything.”
“Hmm. Sounds like you might have some filthy intentions.”
“I absolutely do.”
She does a quick about face and kisses me, parting my lips with her tongue and then pulling back. “Promise?” she murmurs, sliding her hand over my chest.
Then she abruptly struts away and makes a beeline for the back door with McClane hot on her heels.
The vast backyard is still a blank canvas. The prior owners never did a thing except let the weeds run riot.
Tori drops into the nearest rocking chair and gazes at the flat land with a dreamy expression. “It’s beautiful.”
I claim the other rocking chair and inch it closer to her. “There’s nothing there yet.”
“That’s not true. Look at all the wildflowers springing up all over the place. But it is a lot of space. I guess there’s room for just about anything.”
I mull that over. “We could put in a pool.”
“Or a mini golf course.”
I glance at her before daring the next suggestion. “Or a playground.”
She lapses into thoughtful silence. We haven’t discussed this before, not in so many words.
“Yes.” She reaches over and runs her fingertips over my forearm. “I think a playground is the best idea yet.”
I take her hand and kiss it. “How many people do you think will be using the playground?”
She smiles. “Three sounds like a nice number.”
“Three is a nice number.” I pause. “We don’t have to build it right away, you know.”
“I know. But I don’t want to wait too long. I’d like to start planning.”
We hold hands and watch McClane sniff at an errant tumbleweed in the yard. He must have found something interesting because he jumps back, barks and then creeps closer on his belly, tail wagging.
Tori watches me. “Do you want to talk about the letter now?”
Not especially, but I refuse to keep secrets from her. I dig the letter out of my back pocket. “You should read it.”
She reads in silence and continues holding my hand.
When she’s finished, her forehead pleats into worry lines and she searches my face. “That was painful.”
I agree. “Tied up some loose ends, though.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. I think it’s better to know.”
Her next question is one I knew I’d have to answer. “What does he mean when he says to tell Colt he’s sorry? What did he do to Colt?”
I blow out a breath and choose not to beat around the bush. “He might be Colt’s biological father. Which would make Colt my half brother.”
Her gasp is sharp. “How?”
“I was born in Arcana. My folks had financial problems and my mother was pregnant with me so they moved in with my grandparents for a while. My father admitted to an affair with your mother during their stay, which was also the time frame in which Colt was conceived. Colt is likely either my father’s son or Clay Hempstead’s.”
Tori needs a moment to let this penetrate. Then she begins to recover from her shock. “Does Colt know?”
“I’m not sure. He might suspect.”
“Will you tell him?”
“I tried to bring it up. He doesn’t seem to agree that knowing is better than not knowing. I can’t saddle him with information that he doesn’t want. I’m always here for him if he changes his mind.”
Tori grows silent again. She stares out at the brush and a breeze ruffles her hair.
“Tor, I only told you because there shouldn’t be any secrets between us. I love you. I want us to share every part of our lives and hold nothing back.”
Her head whips in my direction and her eyes are wide. “Oh, Jace. I’m glad you told me.” She leaves her chair and settles on my lap so we can be face to face. “I want the same thing you want. No secrets, no carrying burdens alone.”
I put my arms around her to hold her as close as possible. Tori rests her head on my shoulder and flattens her palm on my chest in search of my heartbeat. A light summer rain begins to fall and McClane, indignant over the sudden assault, retreats to the cover of the patio to shake himself off and sprawl in dry comfort.
I rock the chair gently and cradle my true love in my arms. I wish we’d found our way here, and back to each other, far sooner.
Then again, maybe that’s the wrong way to look at things. We’re here now. This is where we’ll stay.
Tori lifts her head and kisses my jaw, my cheeks, my lips. “Make love to me, Jace.”
We’ve waited and we’ve earned this reward. I lift her in my arms with care, marveling that someone so vital can be so easy to carry.
I bring her inside our home, to our room, to everything that’s been labored over with her in mind. We’re both aching for each other, yet we take the time to go slow, just this first time. We’ll play and be wild later. She tugs my shirt up and helps me lift it over my head. Then I unbutton her blouse with the same fingers that used to be so awed to touch her that they would tremble. They’re nearly trembling right now.
Tori kisses me and I unhook her bra. She unzips my pants and I push her shorts over her hips. Slowly, I ease her down on the king sized bed and kiss her everywhere, teasing and using my tongue in all kinds of creative ways that get her twisting and moaning underneath me.
“I love you, Victoria.” I rip open a condom.
She parts her legs and reaches low, stroking until I can’t stand it and then she guides me in. “I love you, Third.”
Every move I make inside of her is love and passion and trust and hope. Each kiss is a vow to adore her forever, to desire her endlessly, to protect her fiercely.
She’s mine and I’m hers.
Together we’re everything.
Together we win.