Fragile Longing by Cora Reilly

Icouldn’t sleep, tossing and turning all night long. I still cringed when I thought of how Danilo had reacted to me flashing my boobs at him. Why had I thought it would be a good idea? I’d tried to act like Anna, or how I thought Anna might act, but I obviously hadn’t pulled it off with the necessary confidence.

I was such an idiot, thinking Danilo would swoon because he saw me topless. He wasn’t a teenager. He was a grown man and had seen enough breasts in his life.

Sighing, I sat up, staring into the dark of the room. The nights out here in the woods were darker than in the city, and with it being a new moon hardly any light came through the windows, but the hints of gray lit up the sky. It wouldn’t be long until sunrise.

Eventually, I slipped out of my bed. There was no way I’d fall asleep again anyway. I opened my window wide, inhaling the crisp early morning air. Outside, the birds were waking up, their morning song soothing in its own way. I leaned against the window ledge and enjoyed the view over the tree-lined lake. From this vantage point, it looked like a huge mirror, still except for a few gentle ripples where fish burst through the surface. The sun rose behind the tree line, turning the horizon gray rather than yellow and orange. Footsteps crunched outside. I peered out of the window, searching for the source of the sounds. Samuel wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, and I doubted Danilo would, either—at least not without saying goodbye to his sister.

Samuel and Danilo came into view, dressed in gym shorts and tight t-shirts. I hid behind the curtains so they wouldn’t detect me, but I still got a good look at them. They talked for a couple of minutes before they started jogging and disappeared in the forest. I took a shower and dressed in another beautiful halter summer dress. When I emerged from the bathroom, Danilo and Samuel were back from their run and were working out on the lower deck by the lake.

For a few minutes, I watched them doing push-ups and crunches before I decided to stop the stalking and head downstairs. The house was quiet, except for the chirping of the birds that drifted through the open windows. I made myself a black tea, a Darjeeling, my favorite—with milk and sugar naturally. The terrace door was ajar, letting the morning air in. It was cool and crisp. I tiptoed closer to the terrace door, peering outside. I couldn’t see much from my position, so I crept out onto the patio with my teacup. Danilo and Samuel were still busy with their workout. I curled up in the lounge shell, even though I couldn’t see them.

I sipped at my tea and read the messages I’d gotten from friends at school as well as Mom. Soon, I heard them coming closer.

I was about to announce my presence but then Danilo said, “People are asking many questions. It was inevitable. I hope you have the right answers. I don’t want Emma to find out about the deal. Most people don’t dare spreading their rumors yet.”

What kind of deal?

“Don’t worry. I can handle it, or do you really think I want Sofia to find out you only agreed to marry her if I married your sister? She’d be fucking heartbroken.”

I stifled a gasp, my chest clenching with acute pain. Danilo had only agreed to marrying me in exchange for Samuel’s engagement to Emma? But Emma and his bond had only been made this year . . . right?

Or had everyone just kept the truth from me and the public all this time? Mom, Dad, Samuel, Danilo. How many more had known?

“Marriage in our world is based on logic.”

Danilo sounded so . . . emotionless. He hadn’t been emotionless in the slightest when Serafina had been concerned.

I backed deeper into the lounge shell, scared they’d catch sight of me. The opening of the shell faced toward the other direction of the lake, not the path leading up from the lower deck. I didn’t want to hear more, but I couldn’t run off without them noticing. I closed my eyes briefly, trying to compose myself. I didn’t want to lose it now.

“You know it. I know it,” Samuel said, his voice briefly muffled as if he were towel-wiping his face. “But girls want romance and magic. They don’t want cold logic. Especially Sofia.”

“Emma’s the same way,” Danilo said regretfully. “It’s our duty to make the bond work.”

I was a chore.

His duty.

He was only marrying me so Samuel would marry Emma in turn. He’d never wanted me for myself.

He probably still wanted Serafina after all these years.

I blamed her and I hated myself for feeling that way. It wasn’t her fault that my fiancé couldn’t let go of her.

I blinked rapidly to stop myself from bawling. I didn’t want to cry because of Danilo. He didn’t deserve my tears.

I tucked my legs in, holding my breath when their steps came even closer, but then they went into the lodge. I waited a couple more heartbeats before I slid out of the lounge shell and ran down the path, away from the lodge. I didn’t stop until I reached the lower deck, where I sank down and lowered my feet into the cold water.

I tried to let the lake calm me. I’d always known this marriage wasn’t based on emotions. It had been a deal from the very start—me as a substitute for Serafina. Still the knowledge about the additional deal tore at me. Emma didn’t know, either. For the briefest moment, I considered telling her, but then I decided against it. The truth would only cause her heartache. At least, she should enter her marriage thinking we weren’t exchanged like cattle.

I sat like that for a long time until my toes became numb from the cold water.

“Hey, what are you doing out here all alone?” Anna asked, startling me.

She sank down beside me, still in pajama shorts and a top. I felt like a broken record whining to her about Danilo, but I needed to get it off my chest. She listened quietly, a frown on her face. When I was done, I waited for her to start a rant, but she didn’t look that shocked.

“Did you know?” I asked, horrified.

She shook her head. Her eyes were still puffy with sleep and her hair all over the place. Her reactions were slower, too. “I didn’t know. It’s not like Dad shares these kinds of things with me. I mostly find out about them when I sneak around the house or force Leonas to do the spying for me.”

“But?” I asked because I could tell there was more.

“I had a strange feeling when they announced Samuel’s engagement to Emma. First, why had they stopped looking for a suitor for her years ago? Second, why would Samuel or your parents agree to the bond? No matter how horrible it sounds, you know in our world Emma is considered damaged goods.” Her lips curled, and she shook her head. “Samuel was a sought-after bachelor. He could have had the daughter of any Captain or even Underboss. That would have made more sense from a tactical standpoint as well because then your family would have furthered their bonds with another city. With your marriage to Danilo, they are already linked to Indianapolis.”

“I know,” I whispered. “So, Danilo forced Samuel to marry Emma in turn for marrying me.”

Anna touched my hand. “I don’t think it says anything about you, Sofia. He used his chance to save his sister. It was probably his only chance. He would have married you either way, but he needed to secure a good match for Emma.”

“Yeah,” I said. “But it doesn’t really make me feel any better.”

She bumped her shoulder against mine. “And it doesn’t really matter what happened years ago. What matters is that Danilo now keeps checking you out and acts very protective. That’s a good sign.”

I hadn’t told Anna about my embarrassing boob flashing yet. Closing my eyes, I burst out with the story. For a second, silence followed, then Anna started laughing.

I gave her an incredulous look.

She covered her mouth with her hand. “Sorry. But that’s hilarious. I can’t imagine you being so forward.”

My cheeks burned. “Yeah, well, I was, and it didn’t go over well.”

Anna lowered her hand, still fighting laughter. “He’s trying to be a gentleman. That’s kind of cute.”

“Since when do you like gentlemen?”

She shrugged. “I don’t, but you are all about the gentlemanly Disney princes.”

“I’m not delusional. I know men aren’t princes. Especially our men.”

“Good,” Anna said firmly. “That’s going to spare you a lot of heartache in the future. It would have been stupid of him to do anything with Samuel close by. Your brother would have lost his shit. Danilo won’t risk that much trouble for a boob squeeze.”

I slapped her thigh. “You make it sound really stupid.”

“It was stupid, but also cool. I wish I could have seen his face when you showed him your boobs. I know they’re nice. Next time you want to flash your boobs, do it in front of Leonas and his friends. They’d holler like the horny idiots that they are.”

I shook my head but smiled. “How do you manage to make me feel stupid but at the same time make me feel better about myself?”

“Being stupid is the best thing about being young,” she said. “We’ll be tied down with responsibilities soon enough. Let’s make stupid decisions as long as we can.”

“Do I even want to know what kind of stupid decisions you have planned?”

Anna grinned. “No, but I’ll tell you anyway. But hey, who says I’ll be the only one being stupid. You seem to be catching up with me.”

Anna’s words proved to be correct. The boob flashing wasn’t the last stupid thing I did, nor was it the worst. Where Danilo was concerned, my brain just short-circuited.

It started one evening when Anna mentioned on the phone that Santino had met Danilo at a party and that he’d left with a blonde girl. I checked the news for Indianapolis afterward but didn’t find anything. Danilo had become more careful with his conquests, keeping them out of the public eye, but he still seemed to be sleeping with blonde girls. Anna kept me up to date after that because Santino reluctantly shared information with her. Apparently, Danilo was sleeping his way through the high society of Indianapolis—the blonde high-society, mind you.

Overcome with jealousy and anger, I decided to make him realize he had a desirable woman at his side, one who’d be his wife soon enough.

For once, I wanted to be the one he looked at with desire. The problem was that I wasn’t sure what to do. Then a chance presented itself in mid-January of my wedding year.

Samuel mentioned that Danilo was throwing a huge birthday party at his lake house. Marco was organizing it, a last huge birthday bash before Danilo became a married man. When I found out it was a costume party, a crazy idea formed in my head.

I called Anna immediately.

When I told her about my plan, she fell silent. “You take my stupid-decisions theory a bit too seriously.”

“I’m not joking. I want to confront him. I want to hold a mirror to his face.”

“By wearing a blond wig and a slutty costume and trying to get him on the hook? What would that accomplish?”

“That he’ll realize I’m sexy too, that he’ll look at me and really see me.”

“But he won’t see you. He’ll see a costumed blonde chick.”

“Anna,” I whined. “Least of all, we’ll get the chance to attend a cool party. I deserve a bash before I become a married woman.”

“I have a bad feeling about this. Not because of the party, but because I know you won’t like how Danilo will react. He won’t feel guilty when you reveal yourself after you kiss. He’ll only get angry. That’s how men in our world handle situations like that.”

“Will you help me?”

She sighed. “Let me come up with a plan. We can hardly ask our parents to allow us to attend.”

“That would defy our incognito mission.”

Anna snorted. “You watch too many gangster movies.”

“As if I have to,” I muttered.

“How far from the Mancini lodge is your family’s lodge?”

“Fifty miles? Maybe a little less. Do you think we could stay there?”

“Let me see what I can do. We can pretend we need a girls’ weekend in your lodge, and then we sneak off to the party.”

“Carlo and Santino won’t let us leave their sights.”

“Don’t worry about Santino. I’ll handle him. I’ll give you a call once I’ve ironed out the details.”

In usual Anna fashion, she did indeed handle everything. Anna had a way of getting her will in a subtle way. I wasn’t sure how she’d convinced her parents that she needed a weekend in the woods with me, but they agreed and that meant mine did too, and so Anna and I met at our lake house on the weekend of Danilo’s birthday party. Samuel was staying in the Mancini lodge to party the weekend away. Of course, I wasn’t invited as Danilo’s fiancée. Heaven forbid girls had fun.

We arrived at the lodge on Friday afternoon, which gave us a day to prepare for the party on Saturday night.

I had Carlo and one of my parents’ bodyguards with me, while Anna came only with Santino. It was ridiculous that I had more protection than the Capo’s daughter, but since the thing with Serafina, my parents and Danilo were uber-protective.

Fresh snow covered the treetops and the roof of the lodge and crunched under my boots as I headed toward the front door. Santino’s car was already parked in the driveway.

Anna sat in one of the plush armchairs in front of the stone fireplace, her legs curled under her. She smiled when she spotted me. “Santino made a fire for us to warm up.”

We hugged and I sank down on the armchair beside her while Carlo carried my bag upstairs. Santino stepped into the living room, his expression verging on murderous. He gave me a curt nod before he headed back out.

“What did you do?” I asked.

Anna waved me off. “He’ll calm down eventually. Don’t mind him. We need to focus on you and how to dress you up. You still sure about doing it?”

I nodded. “I’m going to confront him.”

“You can confront him without playing a blonde chick and kissing him first . . .”

I ignored the comment. I was determined to go through with it, even if Anna considered it a stupid plan.

The party was set to start at eight, but Anna assured me it was uncool to arrive among the first guests, so we headed out from the lodge at eight. Santino was driving us, and he hadn’t said a single word.

His anger worried me. What if he told anyone about our plan? My parents would be disappointed, and I’d be grounded until my wedding day. Though growing up in the mafia as a girl you were pretty much grounded for life anyway.

“Are you sure my bodyguards won’t notice I’m gone?”

“I told them I’d take the nightshift. They’re watching TV in the guard house. As long as you two stay out of trouble, we should be fine,” Santino snapped.

I gave Anna a look. She obviously hadn’t revealed the details of our plan to him. He thought we wanted to party.

I’d chosen a Catwoman costume. The leather cat mask covered the entire upper half of my face. Strands of the blonde wig trailed down my shoulders to entice Danilo. I hoped the mask would cover up enough to keep Danilo from recognizing me. I doubted he’d ever looked at my face for long enough to really notice the details, but it was still a risk. Maybe he wouldn’t even have recognized me without the mask. He’d never looked at me longer than a few seconds, if at all. I’d put on thick fake lashes and bright red lipstick, to entice and distract him since I’d never worn anything like it before.

He’d see the long blonde hair and be drawn to it. Then he’d smell Serafina’s favorite perfume. She’d left the bottle in her bathroom when she’d run away, and I’d taken it as a small reminder of her. Today was the first time I wore it myself and it felt strange. “How do I look?” I asked Anna.

She sighed. “Not like you.”

Not that Anna looked like herself. She’d dressed up as the wife of Chucky, the killer doll with a bright red wig and scary makeup. She was completely unrecognizable, which was necessary if we wanted to stay undetected long enough. If the Capo’s daughter showed up at the party, the news would spread like wildfire. Santino had refused to wear the matching Chucky costume. Instead, he was dressed all in black. At least he had a skull mask to cover his face, but that was the extent of his cooperation.

“That’s what I was aiming for.”

“I know,” Anna said. I could tell that she had more to say but was probably trying to word it in a way that wouldn’t hurt my feelings.

“Say it.”

“I just want to make sure you stay in control of the situation. You want to confront him, set rules, and make it clear that his behavior hurts you. Hold a mirror up to his face so he realizes how messed up his actions are,” she whispered so Santino couldn’t hear us.

It sounded easy when Anna laid our plan out. She was a planner and had no trouble getting her way most of the time. I hated conflict and wanted people to like me.

“Don’t worry. We went over our plan a million times. I’ll stick to it.”

“All right.” But I heard the doubt in her voice.

My worry that we wouldn’t be allowed to enter the party had been unfounded. Santino was well-known in our circles and got us in without a hitch even though the bouncers didn’t know who we were. They probably suspected we were society girls that Santino wanted to get lucky with. I’d never been at the Mancini lodge and it felt strange entering the place in disguise when it would be one of my homes in only five months. Our wedding was set for June, two months after my birthday, so I had time to finish school.

As suspected, the lights were dimmed, except for a few disco globes and spotlights that bathed the rooms in different colors. The party wasn’t just happening inside. A large number of guests had gathered outside to smoke, lounge in the hot tub or risk pneumonia in the freezing lake.

I leaned closer to Anna. “Do we have to congratulate Danilo? It’s his birthday party, after all.”

Anna shrugged. “I doubt anyone pays attention to etiquette here. Have you spotted him yet?”

“No.” I scanned the guests. Most of the men were sparsely costumed like Santino, but the women had gone all out. The back of one guy reminded me of Samuel and I quickly angled my body the other way. Samuel would kill me if he found out I was here.

Santino hovered close to us, arms crossed over his broad chest and his no-doubt pissed face covered by his skull mask.

The music was so loud that the floor seemed to vibrate under my heels. I had never been at a party before, and I doubted I’d ever be allowed to attend one officially. I gave Anna a wide-eyed look when a naked girl raced past us and dashed down the path to the lake. She smirked, giving me an I-told-you-so look. Santino’s expression on the other hand conveyed that he wanted to kill us.

I leaned over to Anna. “He looks pissed. Are you sure this is a good idea?”

She waved me off. “Don’t worry. I can handle him.”

I wondered what exactly Anna had used against him. Santino didn’t strike me as a man who would let a teenage girl tell him what to do. But Anna refused to tell me. Technically, she wasn’t breaking our pinky swear by keeping a secret because she wasn’t lying outright. I wished I’d thought of that when we’d made that promise many years ago. Then I’d have stipulated different terms. My curiosity was killing me.

I looked around, not sure what to do. Anna linked our fingers and dragged me over to the bar on the patio. I shivered from the cold. Anna handed me a drink. I sipped at it and grimaced. It was beer with a strange lemony note.

Another glance around confirmed Danilo wasn’t nearby. I touched my mask again. Still safely in place. Few people wore actual face masks. Even Danilo would recognize me without a mask though.

Anna nudged me, and I followed her gaze. My stomach sank. Danilo and his cousin Marco stood off to the side of the large wooden patio, talking to two girls. Naturally, Danilo was with a blonde—again. Always with blondes. Always with women who resembled Serafina but couldn’t hold a candle to her beauty. They were less, a copy of the original.

Less.

So was I. Not what Danilo wanted.

I was the consolation prize, would always be.

Indignation rose in me. He’d never given me a chance to show him I was more than second best, more than a consolation prize.

I shoved down those thoughts and nodded to show Anna that I’d spotted him. He was only talking to the girl, but I doubted that was where it would end. I took another sip from my drink, considering what to do. Was I brave enough to approach him? To play this out to the end?