Fragile Longing by Cora Reilly
Iwoke with a warm presence at my back. It took me a couple of heartbeats to remember where I was and who the person behind me was. Danilo had his arm wrapped around me and his scent surrounded me. I relished at being held by him. It was what I’d always longed for, and it still was.
My sleep had been fitful, replaying the events of the previous day. I’d tried so many things to get his attention over the years, but my attack on his wounded pride had captured it fully. His anger and despair had hit me like a tidal wave, with almost crushing abandon. His anger wasn’t what I wanted, but it was better than the alternative, better than his gentlemanly distance, the heart-crushing disinterest. I wanted to be respected and loved, but more than that, I wanted to be seen, to be in control for once. Pushing Danilo, forcing a reaction out of him, had given me that brief moment of control.
Few things in my life had been in my control. Not my life, not my future, least of all my heart. I blinked against the brightness of the early morning sun. Despite my harsh words, my provocation, Danilo had pulled away. Even in a rampant rage, he hadn’t claimed me. I was done. If he didn’t want me, then that was his problem. I wouldn’t try to get his attention again. And yet, I didn’t regret last night. It had given me a sense of final loss, as if I could let go of Danilo and my childish hope for love. I was done pining for him.
I turned around. Danilo rolled over on his back, still asleep. His hair was all over the place. He was gorgeous. The blanket pooled at his hips, revealing his muscled chest and a fine trail of hair disappearing in his boxers. Judging by the tent the blanket formed over his crotch, he was aroused.
I slid toward the edge of the bed and stood. I needed to do something, to keep myself busy before what happened could drag me down. I’d made plans with Anna to meet for lunch. Our mothers, little Bea, and Emma and Mrs. Mancini would be present as well. I’d worried Danilo would be disappointed if I went off on our first day as a married couple, now I was relieved to be gone for a while.
Danilo woke with a start, knifing up in the bed. “Sofia, what are you doing?”
I grabbed my bathrobe and put it over my nightgown before I slanted him a look. I didn’t allow his tousled look to warm my heart, shutting it off with every ounce of self-control I had. “I’m going to take a shower, and then I’ll go looking for breakfast.”
I forced a smile and headed for the bathroom but before I could close the door, Danilo had crossed the room and held the door open.
He searched my face, looking so openly confused that some of my anger slipped away, but I clung to the rest. I didn’t want to be forgiving.
“Don’t avoid me. We need to talk.”
“Talk about what?”
“About last night, about the party, about our marriage and what you expect from it. We’re both part of this bond, and I won’t let you run from it.”
“I’m not running from it. I’m just tired of investing too much in it when you don’t. I won’t allow myself to feel anything for you anymore. It’s your turn. I’m just done.”
Danilo pushed the door open further and stepped closer to me. How could he smell this good early in the morning? So warm and musky? He cupped my face. I didn’t pull back, but I didn’t let the touch soften me either. “Sofia, you don’t even know me, how can you have feelings for me?”
My chest tightened at his words. Anna had said the same thing, and I realized now that what I felt wasn’t really love, but I was in love with him. “You loved my sister even though you didn’t know her.”
He let out a dark laugh, a dimple flashing in his cheek. “I didn’t love her. I wanted to possess her. I didn’t know her, either. Love doesn’t work from a distance. You can only love whom you know. Love means work and dedication, but most of all, time.”
His words were firm, no hint of hesitation. I was surprised by his vision of love, even if it reflected what my mother had once told me. Maybe I’d been naïve to hope for love to come easily, served on a silver platter so I could feast on it.
I didn’t say anything. It was too much at once, and I still wasn’t sure I could believe him. Actions always spoke louder than words. He’d been with those blonde women for a reason, if it wasn’t longing for my sister, then what was it?
Danilo took a deep breath. “I never got the chance to get to know you, and you never got the chance to get to know me. Shouldn’t we start getting to know each other? That would be a good start to this marriage.”
“Last night was the start of our marriage,” I said, not willing to give in, even if he sounded reasonable. Maybe I had been foolish to invest feelings so early on, but that didn’t mean his actions were less hurtful.
“I should have controlled myself.”
“I didn’t want you to, and yet you did.” I’d provoked him to get a reaction out of him, to unleash his anger. That’s why I wasn’t even really mad at him for last night, not for his rage, for losing control. I was hurt because he was able to control himself. If that wasn’t crazy, I didn’t know what was. I was just disappointed and sad because my dreams of a happy marriage seemed so far away.
He frowned as if nothing I said made sense to him. Was it a man thing? A Danilo thing? Or maybe a Sofia thing? “I didn’t want you to control yourself,” I growled.
“Fuck, Sofia, you’re driving me insane. I’m not an idiot. I could tell you didn’t want me to mount you like an animal. You want lovemaking, so why did you provoke me?”
Lovemaking? Was that even an option? “Because your hatred is better than your disinterest. You could barely look at me!”
He shook his head. “I didn’t look at you because I wanted you, but you couldn’t bear my touch and you were scared because of the party. I acted like a gentleman because I didn’t want to force you when you were still suffering from our first encounter! I held back to show you I cared about this marriage and you. If I’d known you’d take it as proof that I don’t desire you, I’d have ripped your clothes off, buried my face between your legs and then fucked you.” His nostrils flared, his face contorting with frustration.
I blinked up at him. “You desire me?”
“Of course, I do. I’m not blind, Sofia. You’re a gorgeous woman. Any man would desire you,” he murmured, his eyes trailing lower to the lace-trimming over the swell of my breasts. “Give me a chance to make it up to you, Sofia. Let us work on our marriage. This is just the beginning of our life together. Our parents had good marriages, and I want the same.”
I stepped back, needing to create distance between us. I was too eager to dive headfirst into this again, to give my all for a chance at a happy marriage, but I needed to be careful if I wanted to protect myself. “I don’t know what to say right now. I’m just too overwhelmed.”
“I know,” he said in a low voice. With him so close, especially shirtless, in only low-cut boxers, it was difficult to focus. Maybe I hadn’t wanted the angry fucking like he said, but I wanted to be with him. “I’ll give you all the time you need, and I’m going to make up for my mistakes, especially your messed up first time.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Let me try. Why don’t we go back to bed and I’ll make it up to you? I took the day off. We have plenty of time.”
Suddenly, I realized what he meant, and I wished it were as easy as that. My body heated at the prospect of what Danilo wanted to do, but my brain put a stopper to it. I shook my head. “It’s not just the physical side. I can’t be close to you right now. I need time to figure things out, to get to know you, like you said.”
Danilo nodded, but I didn’t miss the disappointment that flickered across his face. “Then let’s spend the day together getting to know each other.”
I looked away from him, trying to determine if that’s what I wanted. Maybe I needed space. “I made plans with Anna and the other women in our family for lunch before everyone leaves Indianapolis. I can’t cancel it. I’m sure my father and the other men won’t mind a meeting with you as well.”
Danilo sighed but nodded. It was obvious that he didn’t like the idea of us being apart today. Maybe he realized I was on the verge of slipping away and wanted to make sure I couldn’t. “As long as you take Carlo with you, you can meet with Anna and the women for lunch. I won’t lock you in at home. But lunch is still some time away. So, what about breakfast together and a tour of the house before you leave?”
“Okay,” I agreed. “But I’d like to shower first.” He stepped back and I closed the door. I felt relief that Danilo obviously wanted to work on our marriage, but I didn’t want to put my heart and hope in it too soon again. I’d be careful. I’d set ground rules and keep my own wishes in mind.
When I left the bathroom twenty minutes later after a long mind-clearing shower, Danilo was lounging in bed, reading something on his phone. A tray loaded with food, coffee, and orange juice sat on the bed beside him. I was only in my bathrobe, but the scent of fresh coffee drew me toward the bed. Pancakes and fresh fruit as well as scrambled eggs smelled divine and made me realize I hadn’t eaten in a while.
I sank down on the bed, feeling insecure about joining Danilo. He put away his phone and motioned at the tray. “I made us some breakfast.”
I gaped at him. “You made breakfast?”
A smile flickered across his face. That and the slight stubble made him look like a guy next door, a very handsome guy next door.
“I’ve been living on my own for a while, and I prefer to have the house to myself in the morning. My maids usually come around ten to eleven when I’m gone for work.”
“Did Emma never cook for you?”
Usually the women cooked, and until shortly before our wedding, Emma had still lived with Danilo after all. Not that I was a good cook, or any kind of cook. I’d never tried my hand at it.
“Emma’s a lousy cook, and she hates it.”
“Samuel’s going to be in for a surprise,” I said with a delighted laugh. My brother probably thought Emma would present him with a beautiful home-cooked dinner every night.
“He’ll need a maid or do the cooking himself,” Danilo muttered.
I slanted a curious look at Danilo. He’d never struck me as a man who would set foot in the kitchen.
I took one of the forks and cut off a bite sized piece of pancake, a bit wary about Danilo’s cooking skills. I was surprised that it was delicious. Fluffy and sweet with a hint of vanilla. “It’s good,” I attested, already bringing another bite to my mouth.
“Come, join me properly,” he said, patting the spot beside him.
I crept under the blanket and Danilo positioned the tray between us so we could both eat from it. He drank his coffee, watching me.
I felt self-conscious under his scrutiny and decided to face him head-on.
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know that you’re okay after last night.”
I took a sip of orange juice. “I am. I was expecting your anger, so I’m not emotionally scarred, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Danilo shook his head. “Okay. I messed up twice, but there won’t be a third time.”
“It’s in the past,” I said simply. “You can do better now.”
We ate in silence, but it wasn’t as awkward as I feared, even if it was obvious that we didn’t really know how to handle each other. When I was done with eating, I turned to him. “What do you expect from me as your wife? You’re Underboss, so you have many responsibilities. Do you need me to handle certain things?”
Danilo looked thoughtful. “I haven’t given it much thought. I want you at my side for public events, of course, but I’d appreciate it if you’d get along with my mother, and if you’d meet with the Captains’ wives now and then. They have a brunch date once a week, if I remember correctly. My mother attends it as well, so she can help you.”
Those were the typical social responsibilities. “Anything else?” I wanted something to focus on outside of this marriage, so I didn’t feel too pressured about making it work as quickly as possible.
Danilo shook his head, but I could tell there was something else.
“Tell me,” I said.
“Emma was active in an organization that helped disabled children from less fortunate families. She organized fundraisers and tried to create awareness about the realities of people with disabilities. Now that she’ll be moving to Minneapolis to live with your brother, she won’t be able to continue her work.”
I didn’t miss the edge in his voice when he mentioned Samuel, but I chose not to ask him about it. “Can’t I continue her work? I know I’m not disabled, so maybe the kids won’t identify with me like they did with Emma, but I’d love to help. It sounds like a worthy cause.” Better than entertaining bored mob wives.
“Emma would appreciate it, and so would I.” He reached for my hand, and I let him take it. “I want you to really arrive in Indianapolis and see it as your home.”
“I’ll do my best,” I said. I didn’t know the city yet. I hadn’t seen anything except the brief glimpses of the city on our drive to the house.
“Is there anything you want to do? I work a lot. Do you have a hobby you’d like to keep up, or anything else you’d like to pursue?”
I considered that. Anna was starting college in Chicago this fall but she was one of the few allowed to do so. Given Danilo’s past experiences with my sister, I doubted he’d like me being on a campus every day.
“I like aerobics and swimming, but that’s not really something I’m pursuing as more than a hobby. But maybe I could start by learning to cook? I feel at a disadvantage since my husband can cook, and I can’t.”
Danilo’s mouth twitched. “I won’t say no to that. We have a few fine dining restaurants in our portfolio. I could ask one of the chefs to come over and teach you.”
“That sounds good,” I said. I could already imagine Anna rolling her eyes at me for wanting to learn to cook, but it was a start. Once I’d found my place in Indianapolis and didn’t feel quite so lost anymore, I could figure out what to do. “I’m thinking about taking a few college courses next semester.”
Danilo looked surprised. “All right. What did you have in mind?”
I hadn’t expected him to be open to the suggestion, so I hadn’t really put much thought into it. Maybe his desire to make it up to me was why he was so open-minded. “Maybe creative writing.” I’d always had a colorful imagination, and even if most of my scribblings couldn’t be considered literature, I liked the idea of creating art with words one day.
“I suppose you’d have to wait for the spring semester. If that’s what you want, we’ll figure it out. A bodyguard would have to be with you at all times, of course.”
“Of course.” I searched his face, trying to figure out if he was only agreeing to placate me or if he was being serious, but his expression didn’t give anything away.
He met my eyes, and I flushed. I wasn’t even sure why. We were close and he was half-naked.
“As for your swimming, there’s an indoor pool on the first floor.”
“Really?” I asked excitedly. We never had a pool at our mansion, so I always had to let Samuel drive me to a swimming pool in an Outfit-owned gym. He refused to let the bodyguards accompany me because then they’d have seen me in a bathing suit.
Danilo reached for me and brushed a strand of hair from my cheek. “You’ve got a bit of syrup on your cheek,” he said roughly.
I flushed and pulled back, wary of my body’s reaction to the fleeting touch. My heartrate had picked up and heat raced through me. “I’ll wash it off. Will you show me the pool?”
He dropped his hand, his smile wavering. “Of course. Just let me grab a shower first.”
We got out of bed, and after I’d wiped the syrup off my cheek, Danilo headed into the bathroom. To my surprise, he didn’t close the door but left it ajar. I got dressed in one of my favorite lilac summer dresses and put on some makeup while the shower ran, but eventually curiosity got the better of me and I casually walked by the bathroom, risking a peek inside.
Danilo was in the shower, his eyes closed as he rinsed shampoo from his hair, his head tilted back slightly. Rivulets of water ran down the hard planes of his body down to his cock. My core tightened with a mixture of desire and anxiety. I was curious to know what it would feel like if I allowed Danilo to touch me and make me feel good. How it would feel if he buried his face between my legs like he’d mentioned? Some of my scribblings had been short stories about Danilo and me, and how I imagined our intimate encounters.
My cheeks grew even hotter.
I wouldn’t go down that road for a while. I hurried past the open door and left the bedroom. I hadn’t paid much attention to my surroundings last night, so I had a hard time finding the stairs in the huge house. Eventually, I found myself in a huge living room. Like the bedroom, this room, too, was furnished in a modern, sleek style, contrasting with the old house. My eyes were drawn to the French doors that opened to a beautiful patio and an even more stunning garden with a cascade leading down to a pond. I opened the door and stepped out, following a pathway of white steps down to the pond. Pink and white waterlilies floated peacefully on its surface. I squatted down to touch one of the gorgeous flowers when a huge orange head bobbed out of the water. I cried out in surprise and fell on my butt on the lawn. More heads burst through the surface. Large goldfish from the look of it.
“They’re harmless. They thought you’d feed them.”
I turned my head toward Danilo who headed down to me, obviously stifling amusement. “What are they?”
“Koi fish,” he said. “My father used to collect them. When he died, I took them in. My mother doesn’t like animals much.”
He held out his hand to me, so he could pull me to my feet. I gave him an embarrassed smile, brushing grass from my butt. I tried to see if I still had dirt on my dress but couldn’t twist my head all the way around. Feeling daring, I presented my butt to Danilo and asked, “Did I get all the dirt?”
He took longer than necessary to assess my backside for any stains, then he shook his head and growled, “It looks fine.”
I turned back to the fish and stifled a laugh. More had now gathered near the surface.
Danilo took a box with pellets out from a small wooden box hidden among the reed lining parts of the pond. He poured a small heap on his palm then squatted next to the water. He held his hand in the water, but not deep enough for the pellets to drift away. Immediately several Koi fish appeared and began eating out of his hand.
My eyes widened in surprise and I crouched next to Danilo. “I didn’t know fish could be this tame.”
The corners of Danilo’s mouth twitched. “Koi are the exception. Some of them are more than ten years old. They even have names.”
“What’s his name?” I asked pointing at the biggest Koi with a splattering of white on its back and a white mouth.
“Takeda,” Danilo said. “My father named them after famous Samurai. He admired the codex of the Samurai.”
“I never figured you for a pet person.”
Maybe Danilo was right. I didn’t know enough about him to justify the strong feelings I’d had for him all my life. But I was drawn to him.
He smiled wryly and pulled his hand out of the water. “I’m not, really. I like animals but I don’t really have time for them. Fish aren’t demanding, and I like feeding them after a long day at work. It calms me down and reminds me of my father.” For a second, it looked like he was embarrassed by his admission.
“I get it. It’s peaceful.”
He held out the box of pellets. “Do you want to try to feed them?”
I bit my lip. “They don’t bite?”
Danilo took my hand and piled fish food on it, then guided my hand into the pond. The water was cooler than expected and goosebumps flashed across my skin. Maybe the cold wasn’t the only reason for my body’s reaction. Danilo’s gentle touch might have had something to do with it as well.
I giggled when the first Koi touched my palm. It was the big one, Takeda. Its strange eyes seemed to fixate on me before he snatched up more food.
They were really careful and watching them fascinated me. I couldn’t take my eyes off them, but Danilo watched me.
I pretended I didn’t notice. I’d longed for his unwavering attention for so long, so I didn’t allow myself to let self-consciousness take the lead.
Danilo and I stayed like that for a while, and I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in forever. I got why Danilo sought this place after a long day of work. I doubted his duties as an Underboss could be classified as peaceful in any regard.
Eventually, when we didn’t have any more food to give them, the Koi began to swim away, diving below the water lilies. “I really love this place.”
Danilo smiled—an honest, less guarded smile. “I’m glad. This is your home. I want you to feel comfortable.”
I glanced around. The garden was vast and meticulously kept. Bushes and stone walls kept it hidden from prying eyes. I could only make out the occasional roof of the surrounding houses, which seemed to be in a similar Victorian style.
“Irvington is an old neighborhood with many beautiful mansions,” Danilo said. “I can show you more of Indianapolis tomorrow.”
“Aren’t you busy with work?” I hadn’t expected a honeymoon, or any kind of attention, really.
Danilo gave me a tight smile. “I blocked the next few days for you. I’ll only have to do a few things I can’t postpone, but I wanted to give us time to get to know each other.”
I bit my lip. I hadn’t expected that. Samuel always called Danilo a workaholic, which was funny since he was the same way, so I’d assumed he’d return to business as usual right after our wedding.
“That sounds good,” I murmured.
We rose and stood across from each other for a moment. Without my heels, Danilo was a head taller and much broader than me. “Can I change things? Like decoration or furniture?”
Danilo hesitated, glancing back to the house. “Sure, but maybe you can tell me your plans beforehand.”
“You don’t have to worry that I’ll turn this into a pink, frilly girl’s dream. I’m not a little girl anymore.”
“Trust me, I noticed,” he murmured, his gaze sliding along my curves before they hit me with their toe-curling intensity. This less restrained side of Danilo startled me, but I appreciated it. I wasn’t sure how to handle it yet. It had come on too suddenly, and I couldn’t help wondering if he was forcing it to make amends for the past.
“Let me show you more of the property.”
I kept my arms wrapped loosely around my middle, and made sure to keep walking an arm’s length away from Danilo, so he wouldn’t try to take my hand. His touch wreaked havoc with my body, and I needed to keep a cool head, to take this slow and really allow Danilo to do what he’d promised.
Danilo led me around the patio to a huge winter garden encased in glass. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was the indoor swimming pool. Danilo opened the door for me. My jaw dropped at the size of the pool. It had Olympic dimensions. Palm trees in huge tubs decorated the corners, giving off a vacation feel.
“I try to work out here at least twice a week. It’s a good addition to the gym,” Danilo said, motioning toward the pool.
I itched to swim a few rounds in the pool but decided to wait for another day. A door at the back of the swim hall led back into the house. Danilo touched my back as he led me down the hallway. “Is this okay?” he murmured, his finger brushing my back to indicate what he meant.
I met his gaze. My first impulse was to say no, but it wouldn’t have been the truth. “I don’t mind.” In fact, I liked the gentle touch and how Danilo tried to make sure I felt comfortable. I regretted provoking him last night in my need to force a reaction out of him. But what was done was done, and we now had to figure out a way to go from here.
Danilo led me into a huge kitchen. “You can cook here whenever you like, but Theodora usually takes care of dinner. I only use the kitchen for breakfast. You’ll meet her and the rest of the staff when you return from your lunch.”
I nodded and followed Danilo back out and down the long corridor toward a living room, adjoining dining room, a library, and cigar lounge as well as a guest bathroom. “Where’s your office?” I asked eventually.
“Upstairs. I prefer the view over the gardens from up there.”
“The gardens are really lovely.” We paused in front of the staircase, Danilo’s palm still on my back.
“When do you need to leave for your date with the women?”
“In about an hour,” I said. “We’re meeting in the hotel restaurant.”
“I can drive you there and have a quick word with your father and brother. I’m sure I’ll find them in the bar with Dante. Will your parents and brother come over for dinner tonight?”
“Can they?” I asked hopefully.
“Of course. I’m sure they’ll be glad to see you again before they have to leave tomorrow.” Danilo moved even closer and cupped my cheek. “I told you I’m going to make it up to you. I’m invested in this marriage.”
His palm was warm and strong against my cheek. The way he sought my closeness like this after years of his distance felt reassuring. Still, I stepped back with a small smile, wanting to be the one to set the boundaries this time.
