Fragile Longing by Cora Reilly

Anna came dangerously close to being right. Danilo and I kissed often, and it got more difficult to pull back. He never tried to further things, and I figured he was waiting for a sign from me.

Danilo and I fell into a tentative routine. Every morning, we had breakfast together, which Danilo made, of course. Afterward, he left for work meetings, and I took care of my social responsibilities, worked out, met with the chef who was teaching me to cook—I had a talent for desserts, especially patisserie—and worked on my college applications. When Danilo got home late afternoon, we fed the koi together and usually ended up kissing. We then had dinner, which I sometimes cooked, and then settled on the couch to talk or watch movies. Danilo liked the old classics, especially European productions, which was a new experience for me.

The atmosphere always became tense when we get to bed, mostly because I became tense. That was probably why we never kissed in bed.

Two weeks after Samuel’s and Emma’s wedding, I decided to throw caution to the wind. When Danilo settled beside me under the covers, I scooted over to him and kissed him.

He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me and pull me against me, deepening the kiss. Our legs became entangled, and Danilo’s hands roamed my back, sliding under my chemise to my naked skin. As always when we kissed, I was soaked. I stroked Danilo’s strong back, following his flexing muscles.

One of Danilo’s hands slid into my panties, squeezing my ass. My body clamped up, uninvited images of the night of the party flooding my head. I tried to push those memories away, forcing myself to focus on the kiss but soon my arousal waned.

Danilo continued to stroke my ass but pulled back, searching my face. “Too much?”

“I don’t know.” I was confused. I wanted more, but my mind had shut my body down.

Danilo pulled his hand out of my panties and cupped the back of my head, narrowing his eyes in thought. “Is this still because of what happened at the party?”

I nodded.

“This time won’t be like that. I’ll take my time, prepare you, pay attention to what you like—”

I leaned in and kissed him again. Running my hands down his chest, I rocked myself against Danilo’s thigh, desperately trying to win over my mind, but by now I wasn’t wet at all. Danilo ran his palm over my outer thigh, then to the sensitive area on the inside. As his fingers came closer to my center, I tensed up. He began to draw back but I put my hand on his, stopping him. “Don’t stop.”

He slid his fingers further up, brushing my outer folds. My body felt ready to splinter with tension and not in a good way. Danilo shook his head and stopped kissing me. “This isn’t working.”

I groaned. “I know.” I flopped onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, trying to determine why exactly I clamped up. Part of it was me being terrified of the pain, but I doubted it would be like that again. The other part? My brain replaying those blonde chicks Danilo had been with in the past. “Do you prefer blondes?”

“What?” Danilo muttered, bracing himself on his elbow and leaning over me.

I shrugged. “All your dates were blonde, and at the party you chose me because of my wig.”

“Is this because of that?”

“Maybe. I really don’t know.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I never had a thing for blondes. Not even years ago.”

I assumed he was referring to when he had been engaged to Fina.

“I dated girls with brown hair, black hair, blonde hair.”

“Not afterwards,” I said, also avoiding Fina’s name.

Danilo touched my hip, his thumb sliding beneath my chemise to stroke my skin. “I didn’t do those women because I felt more attracted to blondes. I did them because of my anger issues.” He reached for my hair and ran his fingers through my curls. “I love the color of your hair, like chestnuts.”

“Okay,” I murmured, even if anger issues seemed a strange explanation for banging blondes, but everyone handled trauma in different ways. I rolled over, curling into him. “I want to keep trying. Eventually, my body will give in.”

Danilo smiled wryly. “I’ll give it as many tries as you want. But maybe we should continue in the morning.” He wrapped his arms around me, and I settled against his chest.

I felt more comfortable with Danilo every day. I still didn’t understand him, but maybe that was normal. Men, especially the men in our world, were a strange species.

I woke up in Danilo’s arms and turned to kiss him. Our bodies were still relaxed from sleep but quickly heated up. But like before, my mind messed things up.

Danilo gave me time to compose myself and went downstairs to prepare breakfast.

Staring at the ceiling, I slipped a hand between my legs. I was dry as the Sahara. It was strange how quickly my body turned from full-blown arousal to a desert-state once it clamped up. I hadn’t stroked myself since the party. For some reason, the events had dulled my libido. My fingers worked my clit the way I usually liked it, but my body barely reacted. Frustrated, I rubbed harder.

Danilo cleared his throat.

I jerked my hand away and closed my eyes with a groan. The bed dipped and I opened my eyes as he set a tray down. “I was just trying to see if my body still worked.”

Danilo leaned down and kissed me slowly. “You looked as if you were in pain. That didn’t look pleasurable.”

“It wasn’t.”

“How about we have breakfast and then we’ll tackle the issue again?”

“Tackle the issue?” I repeated, my brows climbing my forehead. I put a strawberry into my mouth. “That doesn’t sound pleasurable, either.”

We’d finished our waffles and were talking about my plans to start college in spring when Danilo asked, “Will you ever let me read something of yours?”

My cheeks blasted with heat. So far, all my stories had been sappy and sexy love stories.

Danilo raised his eyebrows. “That bad?”

“Just really embarrassing.”

“Worse than how I embarrassed myself by not recognizing my own fiancée only because she wore a wig?”

I snorted. “Maybe.”

Danilo’s phone beeped. He groaned. “I have to call Marco.”

“I’ll grab a shower.” I climbed out of bed, grateful for the reprieve from talking about my writing.

After showering, I cinched my bathrobe around my waist and went back into the bedroom. Danilo was still on the phone, lounging against the headboard, his muscular chest on display.

Seeing my appreciative look, Danilo smirked as he muttered, “What’s so difficult about racing a car?”

I strolled over to the bed and sat down beside Danilo. The bathrobe fell open, revealing my thighs and a hint of my pussy. Danilo’s eyes darted to the slit, lingering on the apex of my thighs. Leaning back, I picked up a strawberry off the tray and pushed it into my mouth.

Danilo ended the call without a word and narrowed his eyes at me. “Seeing you eat strawberries with your pussy on display like that, I can’t stop wondering what you’d taste like.”

I almost choked on the piece of fruit but quickly masked my shock. “Probably not like strawberry,” I said nonchalantly even though my cheeks flamed.

He held out another strawberry. “I bet you do.”

I took the piece of fruit and brought it to my lips, but Danilo shook his head. I frowned in confusion. He nodded toward my most private area.

My eyes widened, but then I said screw it. Cheeks burning, I brought the strawberry to my folds and dipped it between them. Danilo’s eyes followed the movement, his lips parted. Maybe he’d thought I wouldn’t do it.

I pulled the fruit back out, and Danilo gripped my wrist, guiding my hand to his mouth. He cupped the strawberry with his lips, humming.

Arousal pooled between my legs as I watched him eat the fruit.

“As delicious as I thought.”

I caught his lips in a kiss, but only tasted strawberry, not a hint of myself. Danilo pulled me half on top of him. Our kissing soon became heated and he hand cupped my ass, squeezing, fingertips brushing my folds lightly.

My body clamped up, despite the desire flaming up my veins. Danilo pulled away from the kiss when it became clear that I wouldn’t relax. I let my head droop forward until my forehead rested on his warm chest. I hated my body for doing this to me.

It had taken all of my self-control not to take things further, but Sofia’s body had still been tense when I’d stroked her lower back. Her mind was still clinging to the painful past. If I’d pushed her and done what I wanted, fingered her until she came all over my hand, she might have been too tense to enjoy it as she should. I didn’t want to add another bad experience to her memory. If I wanted a fulfilling sex-life, I needed to ensure Sofia only had positive encounters from now on, even if it killed my dick.

“That level of intimacy—” She shook her head. “I can’t . . . not yet. My mind always goes back to that night and then my body clamps up. It’s frustrating.”

I nodded. I’d suspected that. I had to pay the price for my fuck up.

“Why don’t you try touching yourself while I’m in the room?”

She raised her head from my chest, looking resigned. “I don’t even enjoy it very much when I touch myself, not since that night. You said it yourself, it didn’t look pleasurable. I just can’t relax. And if you watched, I’d be too embarrassed to touch myself. It would feel weird.”

I stroked her throat, my fingers playing over her collarbone. I wanted things to progress. Being patient was hard work. Fuck, I wanted to be with Sofia.

Perhaps . . . “I might have an idea how to get you to enjoy yourself in my presence without me having to touch you until you’re more comfortable.”

Sofia gave me a curious look.

I kissed her. “Just wait. I’ll have to get something first.”

The next evening after we’d gotten ready for bed, I set a pink package on the bed beside Sofia.

“What’s that?” she asked curiously.

I pulled the device out of its packaging. I’d found it online when I’d researched toys for couples. It was a small, curved vibrator with a pad that pressed against the clit.

“It’s a toy recommended for women who have trouble relaxing.” The ad promised every woman an orgasm.

“It looks like a mini pink banana,” Sofia said horrified.

“The penetration is shallow. I thought that’s what you’d prefer until we’ve slept with each other, but the vibration stimulates your G-spot and the small suction cup will imitate the feel of my lips around your clit.”

Sofia studied the device, her face turning increasingly red. “Is that a Satisfyer?”

I raised my eyebrows. “I think that’s what it’s called, yes.”

She shook her head and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like Anna. I didn’t ask why the girls had discussed sex toys.

I held up the remote control. “And this is for me so I can control the vibration of both ends.”

Sofia’s cheeks became scarlet. “Oh god.”

“I think this might help you relax and get off. It’s worth a try, don’t you think?” The mere idea of controlling the dildo in Sofia’s pussy tightened my groin. I wanted to give her as much pleasure as possible, and if she couldn’t relax under my touch or her own touch, we needed to figure out new ways.

“Will you try it?” I murmured as I kissed her.

She nodded, but still looked vaguely horrified. I handed her the vibrator and a small bottle of lube. She stared at it, then pushed to her feet and hurried to the bathroom. I’d hoped she’d slide it into her pussy with me present, but I’d give her all the time she needed. I’d chosen the smallest vibrator I could find, unsure about Sofia’s level of comfort with penetration. She’d felt very tight at the party, but that had been mostly my fault.

After a couple of minutes, I called, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she called out. The door opened, and she stepped out. She was walking stiffly, and blood rushed to my cock when I realized it was because of the dildo in her pussy. With her nightgown covering her, I couldn’t see anything, but just imagining the device was enough to drive me insane.

She took a seat next to me, biting her lip.

“And?”

“It feels strange, but not in a bad way. A bit uncomfortable at first, but it’s getting better.”

I took the remote control and turned the clit stimulator on low. Sofia sucked in a sharp breath, her thighs twitching. “How do you like it?”

“It’s nice,” she breathed out, looking down into her lap.

I turned the vibrator on low as well, and the soft buzzing started. Fuck, if this wasn’t the sexiest thing I could imagine.

“Oh,” she whispered, pressing her thighs together. Her eyelids drooped as the device pleasured her.

My boxers became uncomfortably tight. I might come in my clothes like a teenager. A brief smile flickered across Sofia’s face when she saw my predicament, so I turned the clit stimulator higher, making her gasp.

I wanted nothing more than to take out my cock and tell Sofia to suck me off. She surprised me when she reached out and cupped me through my boxers. My cock twitched eagerly. “Sofia,” I groaned. “I’ll have to take my cock out and jack off if you don’t want to take care of it.”

It wasn’t a romantic thing to say, but screw it, I hadn’t been with a woman in more than six months. I was ready to explode.

A coy smile formed on Sofia’s lips. I turned her vibrator on medium.

Her hold on my cock tightened. “Show me,” she whispered.

I didn’t need to be told twice. I shoved my boxers down and curled my free hand around my cock, stroking myself and spreading my pre-cum over my tip. Sofia watched me almost eagerly.

Lust flared in Sofia’s gorgeous eyes as she reached for me. I pulled my hand back, allowing her to touch me. She started to rub me carefully, but soon her ministrations became more eager. Her eyelids drooped and her breathing became heavier. I upped the clit suction. Sofia’s head fell back, her mouth falling open, her thighs clamping together.

It took all of my self-control not to shoot my load right away, just knowing Sofia had a vibrator in her pussy and enjoyed it. I turned the vibration even higher, needing to see her get off. Sofia’s lips parted in a loud moan, her eyes fluttering shut. My fingers tightened on the remote. Desperate for her to come, I pushed the clit stimulator on high as well.

Sofia squeezed my cock hard in her fist, her eyes flying open, her thighs clenching together. She cried out hoarsely as she came. I couldn’t hold back anymore. With a shudder, I released all over her hand. She shook under the force of her own orgasm, milking me almost painfully, but I relished the thrilling pain.

“Too much,” she gasped, loosening her hold on my cock.

I lowered the stimulation to low. Sofia fell back on the bed, looking stunned and spent. I stretched out beside her, careful not to get cum on the covers. Bending over her face, I ran my thumb across her plump lower lip. It was red. She must have bitten down on it during her release. “You drive me completely crazy, Sofia.”

She grinned, then bit her lip and covered her face with her hands. A giggle burst from her lips. “I can’t believe we just did that.”

I tugged her hands down, amused by her mortification. “Don’t be embarrassed. Seeing you let loose was sexy.”

She cleared her throat. “I should remove the . . . toy,” she said and got up to disappear in the bathroom. I used the time to clean myself with a tissue. I needed to shower. I followed Sofia, who stood at the sink, washing the vibrator.

“I’m going to shower. Do you want to join me?”

Sofia pursed her lips, then shook her head. “Go ahead. I’ll lie down.”

I walked up to her and touched her hips, meeting her gaze in the mirror. “Are you okay?”

She smiled. “I am. I just need to process.” She put her hand over mine. “Don’t worry.”

I nodded and watched as she walked back to the bedroom. When I was done, Sofia was sitting up in bed, reading something in a notebook.

I slipped under the covers and wrapped an arm around her. She held out the notebook for me.

I raised an eyebrow.

“It’s something I wrote. It’s embarrassing, but I want to share it with you.”

I began to read what I discovered was Sofia’s fantasy for our first sexual encounter. Surprise washed over me as I read her story, especially how she saw me—her ideal version of me. She didn’t go into every detail, but she didn’t shy back from describing how I touched her and made love to her. That’s how she put it, and it was probably what she longed for. Lovemaking was something I’d always wondered about but never experienced. I cared deeply about Sofia and couldn’t deny that I was falling for her. Her smiles and kindness and her stubborn streak that came through occasionally, but love wasn’t something that happened in the course of a few weeks. It took time. That was something I believed firmly.

When I was finished reading, I looked up. Trepidation shone in Sofia’s eyes as if she feared my reaction. “That’s how you want our first time to be? In front of a fireplace on the floor?”

She flushed. “It’s how I imagined it. It’s not supposed to be instructions for you.” She closed her eyes, turning even redder though I hadn’t thought it possible. “I just wanted you to know that I’ve been imagining our first time, and that even if my body is being difficult, I eventually want to be with you.”

I set the notebook aside and pulled her against me. “There’s a beautiful fireplace in the living area of my lodge with a view over the lake.” I fell silent. Bringing up the lodge probably wasn’t the best idea, but Sofia only smiled. “We’d have to wait for the temperature to drop for a fire to make sense.”

I had no intention of waiting until fall to sleep with my gorgeous wife. The five weeks since our wedding had already proved impossibly difficult.

Sofia must have read my thoughts because she rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to wait that long, either.”

“Good. I don’t mind dying of heatstroke in front of a roaring fire in summer if it means I get to claim your beautiful body.”

Sofia pressed her face into my neck and chuckled, but she didn’t say a word about when she’d be ready. I’d just have to practice some more patience.