Fragile Longing by Cora Reilly

Returning home after ending my engagement to Serafina felt like admitting defeat. Few of my men knew of the cancelation yet. If it had been up to me, I’d have kept the matter under the rug for a while, but Father had insisted we tell our Captains.

That’s why I’d called for a meeting first thing after I returned to Indianapolis. I had ten Captains who were responsible for different areas of the business. One of them was my cousin Marco, who happened to be one of my best friends. His father had died a few months ago from the same cancer that was slowly devouring my father. They’d both been chain smokers since their teenage days, and both paid the bitter price for it.

I flipped open the Zippo, then closed it. I’d stopped smoking six months ago exactly because of this, but I couldn’t part ways with the lighter that my grandfather had given to me for my fourteenth birthday.

I cleared my throat, realizing my men had been staring at me and waiting for me to say something. I’d called them in, after all. They sat around the long glass table in my office, their eyes on me. I was the youngest, even Marco was almost a year older than me. When I’d started holding meetings in my own house and no longer in my parents’ mansion, I’d made sure to keep my office as modern and functional as possible—glass and sleek black wood. I wanted to show my men that things would change now that I was in power, and outward appearances always were a good start. My father had been a good Underboss, but I had to find my own style of ruling.

I pushed up from my chair, preferring to stand so I could have a good view of everyone.

So far, only Marco knew of the engagement debacle.

Steeling myself, I told my men about the canceled engagement. Their reactions ranged from surprise to approval. None of them seemed to consider it a bad thing.

My oldest Captain nodded. His white hair showed his age, that of a man who’d served as a Captain in Indianapolis for longer than I had been on earth—a fact he’d sometimes let show in the beginning. “It makes sense. They can’t expect you to marry someone the enemy has defiled.”

I gritted my teeth. My first instinct was to contradict him and tell him the truth—that I hadn’t canceled the engagement but my fiancée had.

Instead, I nodded, too proud to admit defeat. Marco didn’t say anything, nor did he react. I went on to tell them about my engagement with Sofia, and as expected, my men accepted the bond. For them, all that mattered was that our territory got the recognition it deserved. Women were interchangeable if they had the expected status. It wasn’t uncommon for girls to be promised at an early age, even to older men, as long as the wedding was postponed until after their eighteenth birthday.

Despite their acceptance of the bond, a bitter aftertaste remained in my mouth after telling them. I’d always been glad to have a bride my age. Serafina and I would have had at least a few things in common. We knew the same people from our shared social events. Apart from that, Serafina and I shared our outward poised behavior. We could have made a marriage work.

I doubted Sofia and I had anything in common, certainly not now. She was a little kid. When I’d seen her pink room with the pony posters on her walls, I’d considered canceling the whole thing, but again my pride stopped me. I wanted to marry someone high-ranking, someone close to Dante to establish my power even more, and that left only Sofia.

Soon the discussion turned to our usual updates regarding drug trade and the Bratva problem.

I was glad when the meeting was over. Only Marco remained to have a drink. We played a round of darts while having a cold beer without saying a single word to each other. Marco knew me well enough to recognize my need for silence.

Eventually, after my second beer, I leaned against the pool table in my man cave—as my mother always called it. “What do you think?”

Marco slanted me a look and took a deliberate sip from his drink. We were often mistaken for brothers because of the similarities in our looks. Same brown hair and eyes, and the famous strong Mancini chin.

He gave a shrug. “It’s a messed-up deal. You realize neither Emma nor Sofia will be happy if they find out you and Samuel struck an agreement to marry each other’s sister.”

Emma would be devastated. Sofia probably wouldn’t react much better. But in our circles, every marriage was based on a deal of sorts. Always quid pro quo. Love was very rarely the reason behind a bond. “They won’t find out.”

The look Marco gave me was full of doubt. “You know how easily rumors spread in our circles.”

“I wasn’t talking about the deal when I asked for your opinion,” I clarified. “I’m talking about Sofia. I don’t know how I feel about marrying her. What do you think?”

“You won’t marry her for another six years. Until then, even you, stubborn bastard that you are, will have gotten over losing Serafina. You get a Cavallaro niece, that’s what matters, right?”

It should have. From a tactical standpoint, my position hadn’t been weakened. And yet, it felt like I’d taken a deep fall. “She’s too young.”

“Of course, she is, but it’s not like you’re marrying her any time soon. Trust me, in ten or fifteen years, you’ll thank your lucky stars that you have a young wife.”

“We’ll see.” I motioned at the dart board again. “Another round.”

Marco grabbed the darts without protest and began throwing. “What about Emma?”

“What about her?”

“She was supposed to live with you so your mother can focus on caring for your dad. But now that Serafina won’t be moving in, that’s not going to work out, right?”

“Emma’s been getting more independent these last few months. She doesn’t need as much support as she used to. I’ll employ a nanny who specializes in children with disabilities. The maids can take care of the rest.”

“You realize that you work a lot and are barely home? It’s not like you’ll have a ton of time to spend with her.”

“I’ll make time,” I muttered.

“It wasn’t your fault, Danilo. You have to stop blaming yourself for the accident.”

I glared at him. “This discussion is over.”

Marco sighed but finally shut up and continued to play darts.

Emma’s accident wasn’t something I wanted to think about, much less discuss with him. It was bad enough that it haunted my dreams.

The next day, I visited my parents. Emma still lived with them, but I’d promised her that she could move in with me today.

When I stepped into the house I’d grown up in, my chest tightened like it always did on my visits lately. The soft whir of Emma’s wheelchair sounded, and she appeared in the doorway of the living room, worry reflected in her brown eyes. Her still-wet hair was piled atop her head in a messy bun. I’d tried to protect her from the darkness of the last few months, but Serafina’s kidnapping had been the trending topic in our circles, even among the children. Emma had witnessed the tumultuous events at my canceled wedding. She knew more than she should.

I headed over to her and hugged her, kissing her forehead before I straightened. She felt frail in my arms, as if a strong gust of wind could break her. “How are you?”

In the first months after the accident, she’d often felt an almost stabbing pain in her legs—not to mention the emotional turmoil she’d been experiencing when she realized she wouldn’t be able to use her legs like she used to, would never dance ballet again.

“I’m fine, but what about you? Mom told me that you can’t marry Serafina anymore and have to marry Sofia instead.” She and Sofia were the same age, and both had already suffered the cruel side effects of being raised in the mafia. Occasionally, they had played together at gatherings. Now, Emma could only sit on the sidelines while the other kids ran around. All the anger and resentment of the past mixed with the new rage I felt, but I swallowed it.

“I don’t mind. I’ll marry Sofia in six years. That’s a good thing.” It was a lie I’d have to use a lot in the future.

Emma tilted her head as if she wasn’t sure what to believe. Suddenly, harsh coughing flooded down the stairs from the second floor.

Emma winced. “Dad’s been worse these last few days. I’m scared for him.”

I squeezed her shoulder. She had her own future to worry about, and yet fate had cruelly added Father’s deteriorating health to her plate of worries. The coughing continued, and Mom’s voice rang out.

“Let me check on them,” I said. I hurried up the stairs and found my parents in the bathroom of their master suite. Dad perched on the bathtub, bent over, his body shaking as he coughed. Splatters of blood dotted the tiles at his feet and his mouth was covered with it as well. My mother was rubbing his back, her face ashen as she whispered words of reassurance.

They were lies. One look at Dad was enough to tell anyone that the coming Christmas would be his last—if he even made it that far.

I didn’t allow the dreaded sadness to take root in me.

Dad looked up and slowly straightened from his hunched position. His struggle to contain more coughs showed on his pasty skin. He wiped the blood off his lips with the back of his hand, and Mom quickly handed him a washcloth. While he cleaned his face, she came over to me and kissed my cheek. Her eyes swam with fear. “I don’t know what we did to deserve this,” she whispered.

I did. Maybe Mom preferred to pretend my father and I were normal businessmen, but we all knew that wasn’t true. Dad staggered to his feet and gave me a weak smile. “The deal with Pietro stands?”

I’d reported back to him right after my meeting with Samuel, Pietro, and Dante. I wasn’t sure if he just wanted me to confirm it again or if his memory was starting to get spotty due to his sickness. “Everything’s settled, but like I said, Emma’s engagement to Samuel stays a secret for the time being.”

“I think it’s a mistake to wait to announce the bond,” Mom said. “Maybe people would stop pitying her if they knew she’s going to marry a future Underboss. And maybe Cincinnati will realize their mistake. May they rot in hell, all of them.” Mother crossed herself as if God would grant her wish to her that way.

“If we announce it now, people will catch on and realize we struck a deal. Emma will be devastated if she finds out Samuel only agreed to marry her if I marry Sofia.”

“You would have married Sofia either way,” Dad said.

It was true. Sofia was a good match for me, at least from a political standpoint.

And yet it felt as if I’d been bested.

I closed my bag. I’d packed enough for exactly one night. The Cavallaros’ Christmas party was tomorrow, and I was expected to attend. My parents insisted it would look bad if I stayed away, and they were probably right. If your Capo invited you to a party, you were expected to attend. I wasn’t looking forward to my trip to Chicago. I’d leave tomorrow morning and then return the day after. Perhaps I should have aimed to spend more time with my future family, considering the Mione clan would be there, too, but losing Serafina was still too fresh. So far, I’d avoided social gatherings altogether. I hadn’t even attended Pietro’s fiftieth birthday party.

Pietro’s name flashed on my cellphone. I considered not taking the call. He wouldn’t call me for good news. None of our recent conversations had been remotely pleasant. Maybe Dante had canceled his fucking Christmas party. Of course, Pietro wouldn’t call me for something like that. I didn’t want to attend it anyway, but not attending would suggest I was still hung up on Serafina.

“Pietro, what can I do for you? I’m busy.”

“I won’t take long. I just . . . I have to tell you something.”

From the tone of his voice, I knew I’d hate whatever he had to say.

“What is it?”

“Serafina is pregnant. She’s seventeen weeks along.”

The news hit me like a sledgehammer. Another reminder of how Remo had taken her from me. As if even from afar he’d found another way to humiliate me by showing me again how he’d dishonored my fiancée.

“I thought it best that you hear it from us and not someone else.”

“How considerate of you,” I gritted out, feeling like my insides were going up in flames. Anger had become a familiar companion. “Thank you for letting me know.”

“I’d understand if you decided not to attend due to these circumstances.”

Everything in me screamed to take the easy way out. I didn’t want to see Serafina again, especially not now that I knew she carried Remo Falcone’s child. Yet, my pride was in tatters and I wouldn’t allow anyone to stomp it to the ground completely, especially not Remo Falcone. “I don’t see why I should. Serafina is no longer my concern. Sofia is my fiancée now.” Even I could hear the lingering bitterness in my voice.

Pietro cleared his throat. “Very well. See you then.”

For a long time after I ended the call, I stared at nothing.

The whirr of the wheelchair announced Emma’s appearance. I schooled my features into an expression of calm when she appeared in the doorframe.

“Are you okay?” she asked, her too-attentive eyes taking in my face. Emma knew me too well, and she was simply too good at reading other people’s emotions.

“I’m fine,” I pressed out. She was too young to be weighed down by my problems. Besides, she had her own issues to conquer.

She bit her lip. “Okay.”

Forcing a smile, I walked over to her and squeezed her shoulder. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll be with Mom and Dad then, right?”

I nodded, but then an idea struck me. “Why don’t you come along? I’m in need of company.”

Her entire face transformed into pure joy and surprise. “Really? Won’t I be a bother?”

I squatted in front of her and gripped her knees. “You aren’t a bother, Emma.”

Having Emma with me in Chicago would certainly hold me back, which was exactly why I needed Emma there with me. I rarely lost my shit when she was around. I wanted to protect her from that side of me, and I really needed someone to stop me from losing my shit. Seeing Serafina again might very well make me lose it altogether.

After dinner, I called my father to inform him that he and Mother wouldn’t have to take care of Emma in the next few days.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Father asked. He sounded weaker than last time I’d talked to him, as if he could barely take in enough breath to press out a single word.

“Emma needs to be among people.”

“You know how people always stare at her.”

“I know, but I don’t give a fuck. Let them stare.”

The moment Emma and I entered the Cavallaro mansion through the back entrance—because that one was wheelchair accessible—and stepped into the lobby, people’s attention shifted toward us. It was difficult to determine who of us was the center of their open curiosity—Emma in her wheelchair or myself. Dante and his wife Valentina headed toward us and I shook their hands. After that, Emma and I moved into the living area where most of the guests had gathered.

Emma gave me an embarrassed smile. “People are staring.”

“They’re staring at me. The abandoned bridegroom,” I said in a forced joking voice.

Emma’s eyes widened. Luckily, Dante’s daughter, Anna, and Sofia were heading our way. Sofia gave me a bright smile. Her cheeks turned red when I smiled back at her.

“Hi,” she said. She smoothed out her dress and bit her lip, appearing almost as if she were waiting for something. Emma and Dante’s daughter hugged and picked up a conversation while I was left to stare at Sofia’s expectant face.

“How are you?” Sofia asked, then flushed an even deeper red.

I frowned, wondering where she was going with this. “I’m fine.” My tone was clipped. Then my eyes landed on her. Serafina entered the room with Samuel, their arms linked. She was dressed in an elegant, loose-fitting dress. My gaze lingered on her midriff, looking for the bump that her choice of clothing managed to conceal. Soon, that would be impossible, and everyone would know that Remo Falcone had managed to humiliate me and the Outfit in another way. It would be the scandal of the century.

The expectant, curious looks from everyone around me would only amplify then.

Serafina glanced my way, and our eyes met. She smiled politely, then looked away, moving on with her gaze like she had done with her life. Like so often in the last few weeks, anger surged inside me. It was unreasonable to blame Serafina for any of this. She was the victim. She’d suffered for all our sins and would continue to do so.

After a moment, I realized Sofia was watching me. I gave her another quick smile, then turned to Emma. “I’ll grab drinks and something to eat. You’ve got company now?” The last was addressed to Sofia and Anna. Both girls nodded.

Without another word, I walked away in search of the open bar. After a drink of Scotch, I felt more at ease. Still, I kept searching the room for Serafina. My brain just couldn’t let it rest. Frustrated at myself, I went in search of Pietro or Samuel. A cursory glance told me Emma was still talking to Anna and Sofia.

When I finally found Pietro, he was standing on the terrace in the winter cold, talking to Dante.

“Am I interrupting anything?” I asked as I joined them.

“No, come join us,” Dante said. The worry of the last few months that had settled in every line on my face also showed on his.

“When are you going to make it public?” I didn’t have to elaborate what I meant.

Pietro and Dante exchanged a look, then Pietro sighed. He took another sip from his drink. “We’ll try to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But I doubt we can cover it up for more than two more months. People will get suspicious if Serafina stays away from social events.”

“Why didn’t she get an abortion? Did she find out too late?”

“She didn’t want an abortion,” Pietro said. His voice made it clear that his choice would have been different if it had been up to him.

“But she’s going to give it away for someone else to raise?”

Dante shook his head, and Pietro emptied the rest of his glass then lit a cigarette. For a moment, I considered asking him for a smoke. I felt like getting drunk and smoking until I forgot everything around me. But neither was an option. I needed to stay sober enough to get Emma back to the hotel, and she didn’t like it when I smoked because it had killed our grandfather and would soon kill Father.

“She’s going to raise Falcone’s child?”

I didn’t get a reply. I couldn’t understand how Serafina could even consider raising his child. That she didn’t want an abortion was something I could comprehend. But actually watching Remo’s child grow up after what he did? That was insanity. Women got sentimental when they were pregnant. Maybe she’d change her mind later.

It shouldn’t even matter to me. Serafina wasn’t my business anymore. And yet, it still felt as if she were, as if everything that had happened to her would still fall back on me.

It was a prideful thing to consider, but I was unable to abandon the thought.

I’d been so excited when I’d heard that Danilo would be coming to Uncle Dante’s Christmas party. When he hadn’t attended Dad’s birthday party, I’d been disappointed. I wanted to see him again now that he was mine. Few people knew about our engagement yet—which wasn’t even an official engagement. That party would only happen when I was older.

My excitement faded when I met Danilo at the party. I’d taken longer than ever before to get ready. I’d chosen a new elegant dress, and I’d even put on a hint of makeup I’d snuck out of Fina’s room. Despite my efforts, Danilo hardly looked at me. It was as if I were air. His expression was passive. The only time there was a flicker of passion was when he spotted Serafina across the room. After that, I was invisible to him. Anna nudged me once he left.

“Hey, don’t pull such a face,” she whispered then turned back to Emma. I forced my eyes away from Danilo and smiled at Emma.

“Are you hungry?” I asked. “I haven’t checked out the buffet yet. Maybe we can do it together.”

She nodded and smiled shyly.

Anna grinned. “Finally. I’m starving.”

Anna walked ahead, parting the crowd so Emma could wheel through them. It was obvious that Emma was embarrassed by the attention, so I stayed by her side and distracted her with chitchat.

“I’m happy that you’re going to marry my brother,” she said a little later when we stood in a corner of the room, eating.

That surprised me. “You are?” I cringed at how eager I sounded. Like a puppy desperate for a treat.

“We’re close in age, so we can be friends.”

“We’re already friends,” I said. Emma and I weren’t as close as I was with Anna or my friends from school because I didn’t see her as often, but I liked her. After her accident, I hadn’t been sure how to treat her, but I’d soon realized that she was still the same girl from before, only less mobile.

Emma’s eyes darted to something behind me. I turned. Danilo was heading our way again, a drink in his hand. I straightened and smiled in that sophisticated way Fina had perfected. His gaze passed me by before settling on Emma. “I see you’re taken care of. Will you be okay while I take care of business?”

Emma nodded. “Of course. I’m not a baby.”

The smile Danilo gave her was unguarded. It was the first time his face looked completely free of control. Usually, he was always so poised and aware of his surroundings. I wanted him to lower his guard around me as well.

With the briefest nod at me, he slipped away.

Anna leaned toward me, a strand of her brown hair falling out of her updo. “Stop giving him those puppy-dog eyes.”

I frowned. “I’m not—” I had been giving him puppy-dog eyes. “I just wish he’d stop ignoring me.”

Anna shrugged. “He has to ignore you in public. Until you’re older, it’s against etiquette to show that you’re engaged.”

She was right. I kept comparing my situation to how Danilo had treated my sister, but she’d been older, and they’d been almost married.

I promised myself to stop fretting so much about everything.

Serafina and I sat on the porch, enjoying the warm spring day. Fina’s belly was already bulging. She looked as if she were ready to burst. She’d explained that her belly was bigger because she was expecting twins. I simply couldn’t believe she had two little humans inside of her.

She laughed when she noticed my attention. “Don’t worry. I won’t explode even if I feel like it.”

“I can’t wait to meet the twins.” I giggled.

Her smile wavered. “At least someone does.”

I linked our fingers. “Mom and Dad still aren’t happy about the babies?”

Fina looked away, biting her lower lip. She didn’t say anything, but I could tell she was holding back tears. Ever since she’d become pregnant, her emotions were all over the place. That was why I never talked about Danilo with her, even though I was desperate to ask her about him.

Dad stepped onto the porch. “Sofia, can I have a quick word with you?”

I got up, surprised that he wanted to talk to me. Was it about Danilo? I followed him inside and we settled on the sofa.

His expression told me that I was about to hear bad news.

“Ladybug, I know you were excited about celebrating your birthday, but given Fina’s situation, your mother and I decided it would be best to cancel the party.”

My heart sank. I’d been looking forward to my twelfth birthday party with my friends. “Okay.”

Dad stroked my head. “I’m sorry. But you understand we can’t have so many people around right now, do you?”

I nodded mechanically. My parents were trying to hide Serafina from the public as much as possible. I wasn’t sure why they were still bothering. Even at school everyone knew about her pregnancy.

“But Anna and her family will come visit, so you’ll get to spend your birthday with her,” Dad said.

I could see how bad he felt, and I didn’t want to make him feel even guiltier by showing my sadness, so I grinned and hugged him. “Don’t worry, Dad. It’s okay.” When I kissed his cheek, it was like a weight lifting from his shoulders.

Anna and her family arrived the day before my birthday.

On the day of my birthday, Mom baked a big chocolate cake for me and made too much frosting as usual because I loved eating it with a spoon while the cake baked in the oven. Leonas, Anna, and I spent the day together, stuffing ourselves with cake and homemade tagliatelle with ragù—a traditional dish from our cook’s hometown Bologna. I finally got a cellphone, and even though Danilo didn’t have my number yet, I kept hoping I’d get a text from him. It wouldn’t be difficult for him to find out my number—all he’d have to do was ask Dad or Samuel. But when dinner rolled by and I hadn’t received a message from him yet, I accepted that he’d forgotten my birthday. My disappointment weighed heavily on me, but I tried to hide it from my family. I didn’t want them to realize how crazy I was being about Danilo.

After dinner, Anna and I moved to my room and lounged on my bed to watch movies and stay up for as long as possible.

As usual, Anna read my mood. “He probably just forgot. Men are like that,” Anna said during the opening credits.

“How do you know so much about men?” I scoffed.

Anna rolled her eyes. “I have a brother, and he can be a major douche. I doubt he’ll improve with age. What about Sam? Does he always remember birthdays?”

I shook my head. “Fina always has to remind him about Mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day.” I grinned, suddenly feeling better. “You’re right. Let’s enjoy the movie.”

After breakfast the next day, Sam waved me over to him, holding his phone out. “Danilo.” There was an edge to his voice that I didn’t understand, but I was too eager to talk to Danilo to give it any thought.

“Hi,” I said shyly. My skin heated when I noticed my family staring at me. I turned around and walked out of the dining room for some privacy.

“Hello, Sofia. I’m just calling to wish you a happy birthday. I had a busy day yesterday or I would have called.”

I smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s okay.” I was delighted at how smooth my voice sounded, as if I weren’t nervous at all.

“I hope you had a good day.”

“Yes, I did. Umm . . . I got a cellphone.”

I hoped he’d ask for my number.

“That’s nice.”

“I could give you my number in case you need to reach me.” Nothing smooth about my voice now. I sounded like a dork.

Danilo cleared his throat. “That wouldn’t be appropriate. If I need to reach you, I’ll give your father or brother a call.”

My stomach dropped and heat blasted my cheeks. “You’re right,” I pressed out.

There was a moment of silence before Danilo said, “I have a meeting now. Have a good day.”

“You, too.”

When the call ended, I kept the phone pressed to my ear for a couple of heartbeats before I finally lowered it and looked up.

Fina stood in the doorway to the dining room, frowning as she watched me. “Are you okay?”

I desperately wanted to talk to someone. In the past, that someone would have been my sister, but now a barrier had sprung up between us. It wasn’t Fina’s fault. She still tried to talk to me often, but it felt awkward sharing my silly feelings for her ex-fiancé with her. Especially considering how much she had to deal with right now. She’d soon be a single mom to two babies. My problems were absolutely ridiculous in comparison.

“Yes, Danilo wished me a happy birthday.” I bit my lip. “Did he ever congratulate you a day late?”

Fina walked toward me, though it was more of a waddle because of her giant belly. “I don’t remember.” She touched my shoulder, her eyes searching mine.

I wondered if she really didn’t remember or if she simply said it not to hurt my feelings.

“Maybe it would be best if you forgot about your engagement to Danilo until you’re a bit older? You still have many years before you have to marry him. Have fun with your friends until then, and just don’t think about him.”

I wanted to do what she said, but my brain seemed to have short-circuited and all my thoughts revolved around Danilo.