Fragile Longing by Cora Reilly

More than three years later

Icouldn’t remember when exactly I saw the first photo of Danilo with a blonde girl at his side. It happened a few months ago, shortly after New Year. I’d been perusing Indianapolis newspaper websites to familiarize myself with my future home, and if I was being honest, to feel closer to my fiancé. My heart had stuttered when the image of Danilo leaving a club with a tall blonde woman had mocked me from my laptop screen. Who was she? Was she the reason he rarely contacted me? Had she taken Serafina’s place in his heart?

My mind had been going a hundred miles per hour. I couldn’t ask Samuel or my parents about it, so I’d done what I always did—I called Anna, asking her for advice.

She’d talked me off the ledge, and the next morning she’d sent me more articles, pieces that had obviously been taken down shortly after their publication, and all of them had pictures of Danilo with blonde girls. Nobody had taken Serafina’s place in Danilo’s heart. With every new conquest, he seemed to look for a replica of her. For the first time, a flicker of anger mingled with my usual feelings of inadequacy.

We weren’t officially engaged yet, but of course everyone in our circles knew we were promised to each other. People had been gossiping about me taking Serafina’s place for what felt like ages. Everyone seemed to mourn her loss, always comparing her ethereal beauty and blonde hair to my less angelic appearance. When I’d been younger, I hadn’t minded having Dad’s brown hair and most days I still didn’t, but sometimes I wanted nothing more than to have Mom’s blonde.

Knowing that Danilo was pursuing blonde girls to remember my sister, had hurt me the first few times, but eventually annoyance had been added to the mix. He’d obviously tried to keep his affairs hush-hush, judging by how quickly every article had been taken down. But now that I knew, the truth lodged itself in my heart like an ever-expanding black hole. Sometimes I managed to talk myself into believing that he just liked blondes and wasn’t looking for Serafina 2.0, but I knew I was lying to myself.

I hadn’t talked to anyone but Anna about my discovery in the three months since then, but my mind had been whirling with thoughts.

Tomorrow was my sixteenth birthday, and Anna and her family would arrive today to celebrate with us. Like last year, Danilo wouldn’t come to visit. I’d seen him a couple of times since he’d spent the night after Fina ran off, but we hadn’t talked more than a few words. I was torn between relief and disappointment. Maybe it was for the best that I wouldn’t have to face him until I’d gotten over his blonde-girl-addiction. But when would that ever happen?

I knew he’d send Emma and a present over for my birthday, then give me a dutiful call. My silly dreams of having a dance with him at one of our social gatherings hadn’t been fulfilled yet.

The moment the bell rang, announcing the arrival of Anna and her family, I ran out of my room, excited about seeing my best friend again. We talked every other day on the phone and messaged every day, but we only saw each other about once a month.

Mom and Dad were already in the foyer. It had taken a while for our families to find our ways back to each other after Fina ran off. I was glad that our parents had worked things out because it allowed me to see Anna. She spotted me on the staircase and grinned widely. She looked stunning in a cute plaid skirt and a plain white T-shirt emblazoned with Gucci. Whenever I saw her and admired her brown hair, I reminded myself that I had almost the same hair color, so why shouldn’t I be happy with it when I loved it on her?

Leonas looked his usual bored, too-cool-for-this-world self while little Beatrice, who was only two, seemed giddy.

I rushed downstairs and hugged Anna before I greeted the rest of them. “Can we go to my room?” I asked the moment I’d fulfilled my host duties.

The look Dad gave me was scolding, but he was smiling. “All right, but dinner is in an hour.”

I grabbed Anna’s hand and led her toward the stairs when I noticed Bea, her blonde pigtails swinging wildly, stumbling after us.

Anna sighed in annoyance. “She’s glued to my side.” She turned to Valentina. “Mom, can you please take her? Sofia and I haven’t seen each other in ages, we need to talk.”

“You talked for over an hour on the phone yesterday,” Leonas muttered.

“Who asked you, Blondie?” Anna growled.

“Anna,” Dante warned but he smiled at me.

Val picked Bea up despite her loud protests, and Anna and I used our chance to run off and hide in my room. We flung ourselves on my bed. In preparation for our girl talk, I’d put chocolate, chips, and fruit on my night table to snack on.

“How are things with Santino?” I asked when we’d settled on my bed, several pillows propped up against our back and a bowl with chips between us. Even if my Danilo problem burned a hole in my head, I didn’t want to be the annoying friend who never shut up about her own issues.

Anna rolled her eyes. “He’s being annoying. He treats me like I’m a clueless kid, commanding me around as if he’s my boss. He doesn’t act like he’s working for me, but the other way around.”

“Technically, he works for your father, not for you.” I tilted my head, regarding the faint blush on Anna’s cheeks. “You like him?”

She picked at a chip. “He’s handsome but intolerable. He’s fun to piss off, though.”

I giggled. “And he’s your bodyguard. Your dad would kill him if he touched you.”

She shrugged. “I’m air for him, unless he needs to make sure I follow his security concepts.”

“I know how that feels,” I muttered. Being air for Danilo was something I should have gotten used to by now, but it still stung, especially after seeing photos of his affairs in the newspapers. My inability to not care annoyed me the most. I wished I could be cool about it and just pretend he was air until we married.

Anna turned to me, her blue eyes as keen as usual. “You still not over those photos? I hope you stopped checking the news for more images.”

My face heated. I’d promised Anna I’d stop stalking Danilo, but curiosity always got the better of me. “I just don’t get why he keeps dating those blonde girls. It’s strange.”

“He’s being a dick, and what he’s doing with them probably doesn’t qualify as dating. He should really pay closer attention to the paparazzi when he’s strolling about drunk with his bimbos.”

As usual, I became defensive when Anna attacked Danilo. “Those weren’t official photos, and we’re not together yet, so he can do what he wants. It’s my problem that I feel insecure about his actions.” I probably wouldn’t have felt half as bad about Danilo being with other girls before our marriage if every single one of his dates hadn’t been tall and blonde. They were Serafina lookalikes. None of them even had the slightest resemblance to me.

“Still,” Anna said pointedly. “It’s weird how he picks all those blonde bimbos. It’s been years. Why can’t he get over his hurt pride?”

Was it really only pride that drew Danilo to those girls? Or was it a longing to remember my sister, to have her in some way, even when she’d been stolen from him? I’d hoped that seeing her happy in her wedding photos would be the kick he needed. It had helped me. Knowing that Fina was happy with her new life had been the closure I needed to let go of her fully. I still missed her, but I’d made my peace with the distance between us. The wedding seemed to have been the turning point for Samuel as well. He wasn’t completely over losing her yet, but most days he seemed to be doing fine.

Sometimes I wondered whether Danilo pretended those girls were Serafina when he slept with them. Did he whisper sweet compliments into their ears as he held them, imagining they were my sister? Did he even utter her name?

The mere thought made me angry and sick at once.

“He just seems to prefer blondes.” I tried to sound as if it didn’t matter, but Anna knew me too well.

She glared at me. “Don’t compare yourself to Serafina. She’s gone. You’re here.”

When I’d been little, I sometimes wanted to be my sister because she was older and everyone admired her, not to mention the close bond she had with Samuel. It had been an innocent wish, like a little girl wanting to be Ariel or Cinderella, but it had recently turned into something more obsessive. I couldn’t help but wonder if people—especially Danilo—would treat me differently if I looked more like Serafina. I still wouldn’t be her, but perhaps then people would take notice of me.

I’d scheduled a hair appointment for the next morning to test my theory. I’d told no one about my plans, not even Anna, because I knew she’d try to talk me out of it. Maybe it was a stupid idea, but there was no harm in trying.

“Isn’t that what everyone does?” I muttered.

“I don’t, and maybe you only think they do because you always do.”

I twisted a strand of my hair around my finger. Chestnut brown—a beautiful color if you regarded it strictly on its own. “How are things between you and Leonas? Still a warzone?”

Anna rolled her eyes at me at my cheap attempt to change the subject but still humored me with an answer. After that, we steered clear of the subject of Danilo.

The next morning after breakfast, Anna and I were lounging on my bed, watching a movie when a knock sounded at my door. Samuel poked his head in. “We need to leave if you want to make your hair appointment.”

He gave Anna a small nod before he left, leaving the door ajar.

“He used to be more fun,” Anna said.

“Yeah, I know.” Since Serafina had left, he’d become horribly serious and focused. The Outfit’s success was his driving force. He worked long hours and hardly took a day off.

“What are you doing with your hair?” Anna asked as she followed me into the hallway. I hesitated. I didn’t really want to tell her about my plans. I wanted to surprise everyone, but Anna’s words yesterday had left me worrying all night.

“Just cutting the ends,” I lied, avoiding Anna’s eyes but they seemed to x-ray me. I had never been a good liar, and Anna was good at detecting fibs.

“There you are!” Leonas shouted from down the lobby. “Take Bea off my hands. She’s annoying.”

Their little sister clung to Leonas’ trouser leg. She obviously wanted to be carried.

“It’s your turn,” Anna said.

“She’s cute. I’d love to babysit her,” I said.

Leonas gave me an exasperated look. “Yeah, for an hour. But she’s a little despot when she doesn’t get her will.”

“Isn’t it a bit early for the stubborn phase?” I asked as Anna and I reached the lobby. Bea kept tugging at Leonas’s pants, but Anna swooped her up and planted a fat kiss on her cheek. “Girl time.”

Bea giggled.

My stomach tightened as Serafina’s twins flashed through my mind. They were only a bit over a year older than Bea, but I hadn’t seen them and my sister in years. I missed them terribly, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about them. The twins were red flags in my family—even Serafina’s name rarely passed anyone’s lips. Too much pain was associated with my sister’s loss. The few times I’d tried to ask Samuel if he was still in contact with Fina hadn’t gone over well. If you didn’t play close attention, it might seem like any hint of Fina and the twins had been erased from this house and our lives, but her memory lingered.

Samuel strode into the lobby, dressed in jeans, a white dress shirt, and a leather jacket. The girls in my class always went nuts when he drove me to school and picked me up. His constant pissed-off demeanor only seemed to add fuel to the fire of their ridiculous infatuation.

“Ready?” he asked.

I nodded and waved goodbye to Leonas, Bea, and Anna, then followed my brother toward his fancy sports car. He wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulders.

“You okay?” he asked in a low voice. He always asked me that question on my birthday and Christmas. He probably realized how much I missed her, but he never admitted to missing her. He rarely even uttered her name. They were twins, had been absolutely inseparable, and now she was gone.

I searched his eyes. “And you?”

He flashed me a smile. He was good at those quick smiles. “Of course, bug.”

I scrunched up my nose. I despised my shortened nickname. He did it on purpose, of course.

He opened the car door for me. “In you go.”

I plopped down and Samuel slid behind the steering wheel. When we pulled out of the driveway, Carlo’s car followed us. I’d gotten used to his constant presence over the years. In the beginning, Dad and Samuel had been annoyed that Danilo had sent his own bodyguard to keep me safe, but for me it was a tiny sign that he cared for me in some way, even if he didn’t show it otherwise. Like all men in our world, he was a control freak.

Samuel didn’t come into the hair salon with me. He, like Carlo, waited in the car. I’d told him it would take a while, but he didn’t mind and didn’t ask questions. Like most men, Samuel had no clue how much time girls spent at the hairdresser. Anna would have been suspicious if I’d told her I needed two hours. No haircut took that long. My party would start in the early evening, so I still had plenty of time.

My hairdresser smiled at me. I’d told her what I wanted to do over the phone. When she began applying the bleach, my stomach swooped. I’d never dyed my hair, never really changed my appearance. I wasn’t sure what the effect would be.

Two hours later, I stared at my reflection. For a moment, I was sure I was seeing a ghost. My hairdresser had straightened my hair and dyed it blonde, the same light golden blonde as Serafina’s. I’d looked at samples of different blonde tones for close to thirty minutes before I’d settled on the right hue. My throat clogged up. With Fina’s hairstyle and color, I looked like her. We had the same eye color, the same high cheekbones and narrow nose. I had a few freckles, but my makeup covered those, and I was shorter, but seated, I was Serafina’s double. It was so close to the original that my heart ached, and my pulse sped up.

My hairdresser touched my shoulder when I didn’t react. “I love it.” The words came out sounding harsh. I wasn’t sure I did. I wasn’t sure what I felt at all. I’d wanted to look like Fina because she’d been what everyone had admired when she’d been around, and she was dearly missed. Danilo wanted her, or at least someone who looked like her—if his dating habits were any indication. Mom, Dad, and Samuel missed Fina, too. Maybe Danilo would finally look at me and see more than the girl who hadn’t been his first choice. Still, goosebumps rose on my skin as I stared at myself. This wasn’t me, and it definitely wasn’t who I wanted to be. If it wouldn’t have taken two hours to color it back, I would have asked my hairdresser to do it right away.

Instead, I got up, paid, and went outside. My heart pounded when I caught sight of myself in the shop window. Like a Serafina ghost.

Samuel was leaning against his car, reading something on his phone. The moment he spotted me, the color drained from his face. I froze on the sidewalk a few steps from him and gingerly touched my smooth hair. Samuel straightened slowly, but the look of shock and horror remained on his face. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d hoped for. Surprise, yes, but this . . . this utter horror?

“What have you done?”

I shrugged, trying to play it down. I didn’t want people to make a big deal out of it. I only wanted them to realize that I wasn’t so different from Serafina, that I was also worthy. I wanted them to see me. Of course, now that I’d seen myself with blonde hair, I realized how stupid my plan had been. “I needed a change.”

“Sofia,” Samuel whispered harshly, grabbing my arm. “You—why would you want to look like . . . like Serafina?”

Tears stung my eyes, but a fierce ball of indignation and anger rose inside of me. He made it sound as if I’d sullied her memory by trying to resemble her, as if I wasn’t worthy of this look. He was part of the reason why I wanted to look like Fina, and now he played clueless. Or maybe he really didn’t realize how much he and everyone else mourned her absence and how little room they left for me.

I didn’t want a fight with Samuel, not today. “I just wanted something different.”

Samuel sighed, tearing his eyes from my hair almost painfully. He gave me a one-armed hug. He held open the door for me and we didn’t say another word until we arrived back home.

Samuel’s reaction was only the beginning. When we got home, things only became more awkward. Mom was the first to spot me, and she looked completely taken off guard. She froze on the last step of the staircase, a bunch of table napkins in her hand. She looked at Samuel, then back at me. I was sure she’d start crying, but then her face smoothed and she gave me a tight smile. Her grip on the banister was white-knuckled. “You colored your hair?”

She tried to sound casual, but I could tell it wasn’t easy for her. I’d wanted to surprise everyone, not elicit this horrified shock. Everyone had always commented on how beautiful Serafina’s hair was.

“I wanted your hair color,” I said. Of course, that wasn’t the reason. The look in my mother’s eyes told me she knew the truth.

She nodded as she walked over to me, her eyes constantly flitting to my hair as if she needed proof to believe it. She touched my hair gingerly. “Your hair was beautiful. I already miss it.”

I searched her face, wondering if she was being honest. Did she prefer me with brown hair? Or did the blonde remind her too much of Serafina and the hurtful truth that I wasn’t her?

“Where’s Anna?” I asked. Sam’s and Mom’s reaction had made me feel self-conscious. My new appearance was meant to give me a boost, not break my self-confidence down even more.

“She’s upstairs in her guestroom. Don’t forget your guests will be there at five.”

I ran up the stairs and knocked at Anna’s door. The door opened, startling me. Leonas stood in the doorway, his eyes growing wider as he looked at me. “Whoa, what happened to you?” he blurted, staring at me as if I was an alien.

I flushed but deflected it with a casual shrug. “I changed my hair. Maybe you should consider it, too.”

He rolled his eyes and tossed his hair back. “I like my hair.”

Anna stepped up behind me. One glance at me had her pushing Leonas out of her room. “Give us some privacy. Go bug Samuel.”

“Hey!” Leonas protested but Anna dragged me inside and slammed the door in his face.

Our eyes met. I could tell right away that she wasn’t a fan of my new hairstyle. That made two of us. “What did you do?” she hissed. Her gaze traced my hair, almost as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

I touched my hair. It didn’t feel any different than before—neither did I. “I just wanted a change,” I said defensively.

Anna looked doubtful. “I thought we promised to never lie to each other.”

We’d pinky-sworn on it when we were six, and ever since we’d always told each other the truth. Anna was my confidante. With Fina gone, she was my only one. I simply couldn’t talk about everything with Mom, much less with Dad or Samuel.

“It’s not a lie,” I muttered, then sighed. I walked over to the bed and plopped down, staring up at the ceiling. “I wanted a change, but . . .” I took a deep breath, hating to admit what had motivated me. “Everyone misses Fina so much. Since she left, there’s a huge hole in our lives. I just wanted people to notice me.”

Anna stretched out beside me, watching me. I kept my gaze ahead, embarrassed. “But you aren’t her. Even blonde hair won’t change that.”

“I know,” I said miserably. Samuel’s and Mom’s reaction had made that blatantly clear.

Anna linked our hands. “You don’t need to be her. You’re perfect the way you are. Don’t you think your parents and Samuel would miss you just the same if you were gone? Be yourself. Eventually, the gap Serafina’s disappearance left will close. Just give it time.”

Would they? Samuel and Fina had shared a special bond, which was natural.

When I didn’t say anything, Anna leaned over me, her face all I could see. “Or is this about Danilo?”

I shrugged again. If I kept it up, I’d dislocate my shoulder soon. “It’s not not about him.” I paused. “He’s still in love with Fina. I can tell how much he’s hurting because she’s gone.”

Anna shook her head and snorted. “He isn’t in love with her. He didn’t even know her. How often did they see each other? Twice a year at social functions. I bet he never saw her private side, only the official one. The one we all have to keep up for appearance’s sake. But one doesn’t resemble the other. Even if he had a crush on her, which I doubt, he had a crush on that perfect outward image she presented, not her true self. And the only thing that’s hurt is his pride, certainly not his heart.”

“Now you’re an expert on men?” I joked. Part of me thought Anna was right but Danilo’s strong emotional reaction to losing Fina worried me.

“I’m an expert on the rules in our world. Danilo wanted Fina for her status and image, nothing else.”

“But doesn’t that make things even worse? How can I compete with a perfect image? Fina’s larger than life now that she’s gone. I can’t fill in her shoes.”

“Then don’t. Don’t try to replace her. Be yourself because that’s enough.”

“But I am her replacement, at least for Danilo,” I hissed, my frustration rearing its ugly head.

Anna grimaced. “Forget about him for now. He’ll get over her. By the time the two of you get married, he’ll have forgotten about her.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t convinced. He obviously had some obsessive issues to work through. I touched my hair uncertainly. “Does it look so bad?”

“No, of course not. You look absolutely gorgeous, but you were just as gorgeous with your brown hair.”

“But you looked horrified when you first saw me.”

“Of course. Because I know why you did it. And that’s the problem. Now that you’re blonde, people will compare you even more with Fina because you gave them an opening and a reminder.”

“I didn’t see it like that. Maybe I should change it back?”

Anna considered that. “If you change it back right away, it might look as if you have something to hide. Knowing your hairdresser, your new hairstyle is probably already making the rounds in our circle.”

Anna had a point. Most women from our world went to the same hair salon, and gossip was their main occupation. “Then I’ll keep it for a while.”

Anna searched my face. “Are you sure you can deal with all the backlash? People will ask questions. You’ll have to present your new hair with confidence, or people will attack even more.”

I’d never considered myself to be lacking confidence, but things had shifted since Fina’s kidnapping. I’d felt like a bystander. “I’m just so tired of always being in the shadows. I thought if I looked more like Fina, people would finally see me.”

“Trust me, being in the spotlight isn’t all it’s made out to be. If I could choose, I’d rather be someone people didn’t watch all the time. If you’re in the light, your flaws are so much more prominent, and everyone is looking for them. Everyone is waiting for a mishap. The moment I’m surrounded by people who aren’t close family, I’m not even me anymore. I’m this perfect public version everyone expects me to be. I’m public Anna, and it’s incredibly stressful to be her. So, be happy about your place in the shadows until it lasts because once you’re married to Danilo, everyone will watch your every move.” Anna took a deep breath then grimaced. “Sorry, this wasn’t meant to become a pity party for me.”

“Why not? I’ve been celebrating my own pity party excessively.” Even I was starting to grow tired of the Fina topic, but Anna was a real trooper and never complained.

We grinned at each other. Then Anna became serious again. “Just promise me that you don’t change your personality for Danilo or anyone. You are who you are, and that’s perfect.”

I hugged her, wishing I could have Anna’s strength, but maybe I’d just discover my own. “I won’t.”

The reaction to my new look ranged from open shock to exuberant praise. I lost count of the times I got told that I looked exactly like Serafina. It was always meant as a compliment, as if she was the ultimate goal, and while it was what I’d thought I wanted, it only annoyed me. Maybe I’d secretly hoped everyone would tell me how pretty I’d been before and boost my ego, instead they crushed it. But that was my own fault.

I hoped Danilo’s reaction would at least make this ordeal worthwhile. Maybe seeing me as a blonde would finally turn the switch that would make him fall in love with me. It was a farfetched hope, and I wasn’t even sure if it was the triumph I should be hoping for. Would I really be happy if he suddenly fawned over me because of my blonde hair?

I only had to wait two more months until I’d finally find out. Two more months before our official engagement party. My heart fluttered at the thought.