Dear Ava by Ilsa Madden-Mills

22

Iwake up with a scream, my body shaking as I wrestle myself out of a nightmare about ghostly trees and coyotes circling me as I lie in the woods. Gulping in air, I try to orient myself in the darkened room and control my rapid breathing. The attack from last week sneaks in.

That’s where you belong, bitch, at my feet—and don’t you forget it.

I close my eyes, my hands clenching the quilt.

Something so familiar about…But it’s gone.

Forget the dream. Get some sleep.

With a glance at my phone, I see it’s seven in the morning, way too soon to get up considering Wyatt and I didn’t get home until midnight. I toss over and beat at my pillow, trying to get comfortable, but an hour later, it’s pointless, my head is still replaying last night.

Why is Knox pushing me away little by little?

Why did his dad offer to send me to New York and take care of Tyler? He’s never even met me before, yet he’d be willing to fork over thousands of dollars just to get me out of Camden? It doesn’t make sense. Obviously, he wants Knox to focus on football and his brother and not me, but—

I pause.

Why does Dane dislike being around me? I can accept that part of it is because of what happened to his mom, but something doesn’t feel right, and a sense of foreboding creeps over me, heavy and thick, crawling down my spine.

I get out of bed, take a quick shower, and throw on some shorts and a Cranberries shirt. After making my bed and going over some homework, I’m still antsy and frustrated. At ten, I call Wyatt, and we make a plan to meet at a coffee shop in town.

We’ve just settled in at a table next to the window when a black Mercedes SUV drives past the shop and parks across the street. Taking a sip of my coffee, I watch as Knox, Dane, and his dad exit the vehicle and walk toward the police station.

“What are they doing?” Wyatt murmurs, following my gaze. “Trouble with the Graysons on a Saturday?”

“No clue,” I reply, frowning.

The three of them stop at the entrance where three other well-dressed men are waiting. One of them is clearly Chance’s dad, a slick-looking older man with sandy hair and a trim frame. Although I’ve never met him, I used to follow Chance’s social posts when we were together, plus I’ve seen him at school a few times to drop off or pick up his son. He’s a lawyer. A lawyer.

My eyes land on a policeman who’s walking down the sidewalk toward them, and I suck in a breath, recognizing his face as the man who interviewed me last fall.

“What’s going on?” Wyatt calls out as I jump up, almost knocking over my coffee. He takes a napkin and dabs at the small spill that sloshed on the table.

“I don’t know.” I breathe quickly as my heart pounds. “But whatever it is, it’s… Something feels off.” I stop, grabbing my purse and dashing for the door.

By the time I push through the exit, they’ve disappeared into the precinct.

“Ava?” It’s Wyatt and he’s followed me.

What…what the hell is going on?

Why are they meeting with the police, armed with lawyers?

“…do you want to go back inside and wait for Knox?” he’s saying, and I realize he’s been talking to me for a while.

“I’m going in there to find them,” I push out, my chest rising and falling quickly, so quickly.

He hesitates for a moment then nods. “Ride or die.”

We cross the street, enter the station, and walk up to the front desk. The place is mostly quiet, a few officers milling around, and I search their faces, not seeing the one who just walked in. Knox and Dane and Mr. Grayson are nowhere in sight.

The lady at the desk gives me a small smile and checks out Wyatt’s tattoos. She’s older with gray hair and little glasses. “May I help you?”

I lick my lips. “My name is Ava Harris.” I pause, taking a breath. “May I see one of the detectives who worked on my case last fall?”

If she remembers me, she doesn’t show it, and I suppose she sees tons of people coming through here. She sits down at her computer and gives me an expectant look. “Detective’s name?”

Panic brushes at me. God, I can’t even recall. I haven’t wanted to think about him and those hours spent here, and I…

“He just walked in with the Grayson family,” I say.

She nods. “Bryant Thomas. He’s busy. Would you like to give me your number and I’ll have him call you?” She reaches over and hands me a form. “Just fill this out with the specifics of the case, and he’ll get back to you.”

The paper shakes in my hand. Would he? Would he really call me? He never has before. They dismissed me. They never even told me Knox drove me to Piper’s! They forgot about me as soon as I walked out!

“Ava?” Wyatt asks as he leads me over to some chairs in a waiting area. “Want me to fill it out for you?”

No, no, no, it isn’t even about the detective at this point; it’s about Knox meeting with him, that entourage of lawyers.

Fumbling in my purse, I pull out my phone and fire off a text to Knox.

I know where you are, Shark. I saw you walk in.

It takes him three minutes to walk out from a hallway to the right. Standing with my fists clenched, I watch as he jogs over to me in jeans and a Camden shirt. I dismiss how…beautiful he is.

I don’t know him, I don’t, and he isn’t who I thought he was, because if he—if he’s known what happened, how could he do this, how could he not tell me, how could he—

“Ava,” he starts, his face white. “What—”

“Stop. Don’t. Time to breathe? Really?”

His chest expands and he looks around the room before coming back to me. “I can explain—”

“No. You tell me right now what’s going on with you and your dad and your brother meeting with lawyers at a police station on a Saturday with the detective who interviewed me, and don’t lie to me. This can’t just be a coincidence!” My voice rises and a few people send us glances, but I don’t care, not now, not in this place with all those memories in my head.

I recall Knox’s words to me after the game. How his dad looked at me so warily.

“You and your brother and your dad—did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out? You wanted to tell me on Monday? Monday,” I sneer. “How could you?”

He tries to take my hand, but I snatch it away.

“Please,” he says, his voice colored with dread. “Please, listen to me.” He looks around the room. “Let’s go somewhere and talk—”

“Dane remembers something! That’s what all this is, am I right? You and him and the lawyers? I’m not stupid, Knox! He knows, and he told you, and you need time to breathe right after we have…a moment together that I thought meant something. So no, I’m not going anywhere with you!”

The lady from the desk appears next to us, her eyes darting from me to Knox. “Is everything good here?”

No, no it’s not.

“We’re leaving,” Wyatt murmurs to the woman then steers me to the exit. “Sorry if it got a little loud.”

We step outside and Knox follows us, stopping me with a hand on my arm. “Ava, please—”

I whip around. “I’m no one to you. No one.”

Knox scrubs his face. “Please let me talk.”

“More telling me to slow down? I knew something was off with you!”

The silence stretches around us, thick with tension.

“Talk to him,” Wyatt tells me softly. “I’m not leaving.” He wanders off to sit on a bench a few feet away.

I rub my hands over my arms, feeling chilled in the sun as I try to hold myself together. I want to be strong, I want to prepare myself, I want to walk away from him with this anger hot in my chest, but…I have to know. “Tell me why you’re here!”

He grimaces. “When I went home Thursday morning, Dane told me he remembered seeing Liam follow you into the woods.”

My eyes shut as revulsion inches over me, bit by bit, images from the party flashing one by one, that horrible carnival ride. I’m in those woods again and he’s on top of me, holding me down, and I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can’t scream—

I wrench myself to the present.

“Liam?” I gasp out, shuddering as it clicks. “His voice…I recognized it in the stairwell when he talked to Jolena, and outside the gym that day—” My stomach jerks. “He was angry, and I didn’t…connect the dots, but he hit me.”

Knox’s eyes flare, and I bend over and clutch myself, bile rising.

He tries to hold me, but I push him away. “No!”

I lean against the wall of the police station, and I’m not even aware of how I got there. Knox is next to me and Wyatt has moved as well, his arms around my waist as I cling to him.

“Is he going to be arrested?” I gasp.

Knox closes his eyes. “I don’t know. It’s been hard, Ava. Dane only remembers certain things.”

“What does that mean?” Wyatt snaps, clearly on my side while Knox paces up and down the sidewalk.

He stops in front of me, his face torn. “Liam told Dane that Dane roofied your drink—”

“What?”

“—but he only said that because he’s suspicious that Dane’s remembering. He didn’t, Ava. He didn’t. I know my brother…” He trails off, his hands knotted.

“Spit it out, Knox. This is about me!” I thump my chest, holding myself together with fragile strings.

He gathers himself. “We got inside Liam’s bedroom and found his trophies.”

“Trophies?” Wyatt mutters. “That sonofabitch.”

Knox’s face grows hard. “A bag of…underwear. I saw yours. We’ve been trying to act like nothing is up so he doesn’t destroy them. That’s why I went to the party last night, plus I thought maybe he might get sloppy and do something or say something. Chance and Dane and I…we all went.” He tenses. “I want to hurt him for you, but we’re trying to do this right and get Dane’s story straightened out, see if there’s enough for a search warrant.”

Trophies. I want to vomit.

Wait…

“Chance knows?” I ask.

He nods.

“But you didn’t tell me. Damn you.”

He groans, rubbing his face. “I wanted to talk to my dad before I did anything. I’m not… I didn’t know how to handle it. Dane, he was so fucked up, and I tried to do the right thing, but…”

“Dane comes first,” I say.

“It’s not like that,” he says quietly. “We just thought it would be prudent to wait and tell you what was going on when we were sure we had enough.”

“You’re preparingDane’s defense in case he needs one.” My hands tremble.

“I have to take care of Dane, Ava. Liam’s family has big money around here. Every step my dad has made is carefully calculated.” He gives me a pained look. “Dad will get you a good lawyer—”

“Stop.” I shake my head, emotions all over the place, rage mixed with helplessness over Liam, anger at Knox, and anger at myself. I trusted him, and he—he pushed me away for his family.

I picture Mama’s taillights fading away in the distance. In the end, I’m the only one looking out for me, and I’ve known this for a long time. Most of the time I can shove all that down and pretend it doesn’t hurt to be left behind by the people who are supposed to love you.

But right now, my chest aches, and I can’t think straight with all this information.

“Dane would never hurt you,” Knox says. “You don’t know him like I do, but I know he’s innocent. I have to prove that, for him, for you, for us—” He stops abruptly and reaches out, taking my arms as Wyatt eases back, giving us space. “Tulip, please don’t be angry with me for not telling you.”

I stare up at him. “Why can’t I be angry? I point-blank asked you what was wrong—”

“I love you,” he says, his gray eyes clinging to mine. “Can’t you see that?”

I suck in a breath.

“I don’t know when, maybe last year, watching you with Chance, then it grew when I hired that P.I. and I got wrapped up in you and how fierce you are, Tulip, so beautiful and so much strength that I don’t…shit, I don’t know how you do it here at this place when I can’t even stand it. I see who you are and it terrifies me and I tried to stay away, but I didn’t, even when I swore I would, and now I’ve hurt you, but you have to take a good long look at me, a fucking long look and see what I’m made of, what makes me tick, and it’s about you.”

His words rip me apart.

He cups my cheeks, and I search his face.

Knox isn’t ready for you,his dad said.

I’m tired, so tired, my body weak as I come down from the adrenaline rush I got when I walked into the station.

And I just…

Need to think.

He swallows thickly. “Tulip—”

“Go back inside, please,” I manage to push out. “Dane needs you.” I know my mind is scattered, but one thing I’m sure of is that his family is his first commitment, not me, and I don’t blame him. He and I have obstacles in front of us. His walls, mine, Dane’s connection to what happened.

But…

I love you.

I lock down those words he said to me, shutting them inside that chest and wrapping a heavy chain around it.

“Don’t leave. Not like this,” he whispers, as if reading my thoughts. “Don’t walk away. Things will work out. Don’t, please. You belong with me, you do—”

I sigh. “Please, just…leave me be.”

I pull back and walk away from him.