Dare to Love by Lylah James
Lila
The loud, piercing cries of a baby woke me up. Next to me, Maddox startled awake and then groaned. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, checking the time, and saw that it was just after four in the morning. We only slept for an hour – barely.
The wailing continued, sounding both angry and impatient.
Iris Catalina Coulter came into this world with a loud, fierce cry and she hasn’t stopped telling the world how displeased she was with being born.
My stomach cramped at the thought of going into the nursery to try and calm her down. I thought the boys were a handful as babies, but compared to her, they were laid-back and even-tempered. Iris has been a little beast since we came home from the hospital. She barely slept. She was grumpy and wanted to be held all the time. She cried twenty-four-seven. At first, we were worried something was wrong, but after countless phone calls and visits to her pediatrician, we were told Iris was perfectly healthy, meaning she was just a grumpy baby.
But it was more than that.
I knew it. I could feel it.
I was her mother, after all.
“I’ll get her,” I said, already getting out the bed.
“No,” Maddox said. He rubbed a hand over his face and then sat up. “It’s okay, I got her. She’ll be easier to handle if I go.”
I barely hid my flinch but he didn’t notice, or maybe he didn’t want to address that right now.
I watched as my husband walked to the adjacent room, the nursery all our five babies had stayed in. He left the door open and I saw him bending over the white crib and lifting Iris into his arms. Maddox held her against his chest and cooed quietly in her ears.
She instantly stopped crying. The only sound that could be heard were little hiccups as she settled into her daddy’s arms and fell asleep once again. Just like that. Three minutes flat. Magic.
My chest burned and I rubbed the ache, feeling both guilty and jealous. But it was silly, I told myself. Who could be jealous of their husband for being the perfect father to their kids?
“Mommy,” a little voice called out. My gaze snapped toward the door to find Brad standing there. He had his favorite stuffie under his arms and his eyes were red. I was instantly on alert and off the bed. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
He wrapped his little arms around my neck as I lifted him up in my arms and settled him on my hips. He was a big boy, but he still loved his mommy’s cuddles. “I had a nightmare,” he whispered in my neck.
“Did Logan tell you scary stories again before bed?”
Brad nodded without a word. “Him and Levi.”
Logan and Levi were always ganging up on Brad. While the two brothers loved anything horror, Brad was the complete opposite. So, they found every opportunity to tease him. I kissed my sweet boy on the head. “It’s okay. Let’s read your Spider-man comic.”
Fifteen minutes later, Brad was asleep again. I took a peek at the second bed in the room. Levi, Brad’s twin, barely twitched when we came into the room and while I read Brad his comic. I closed their door behind me and went back to my own bedroom to find Maddox still in the nursery.
He was still holding Iris, rocking her back and forth. My chest squeezed at the sight of them together. Warmth. There was just something about a big, muscled man holding a tiny baby against his bare chest. When he noticed me at the entrance of the nursery, he gave me a tired smile.
Maddox placed Iris back into her crib and we both held our breath. When she didn’t instantly start wailing, he made his way to me. Maddox cupped my face and placed a tender kiss on my forehead. “Let’s go to bed. You look wrecked, babe.”
We both got in bed without another word. The moment his head hit the pillow, Maddox was sound asleep and snoring.
But I didn’t sleep.
I stared up at the ceiling until the sun rose, the boys woke up and Iris started crying again.
* * *
Maddox was gone earlythis morning. He was busy with the new Taekwondo facility him and Colton had opened a year before. It started off as a shared hobby between the two friends but three months ago, it had become so popular that they now had over three hundred students and counting.
I knew Maddox enjoyed the time with his students.
I knew he loved knowing that he was helping these kids find something they liked doing. He taught them with patience and understanding.
But I missed my husband.
Maybe I was spoiled. Since we married, Maddox dedicated all his time to me and our kids. In fact, I was the one with the full-time job while he was more of a stay-at-home dad. After selling half of the businesses his father owned, he only went to his office once a week while he volunteered at our local school as a football coach during his free time.
We had enough money to last three generations. I didn’t have to work either, but I loved what I did at the Pharmaceutical company. I enjoyed my time in the lab.
I missed my husband.
I missed working.
I missed… being me.
“Mommy, can I have one more pancake?” Levi tugged on my sleeve.
“Me too!” Logan practically screamed. He was always the most hyper. Levi was following in his older brother’s footstep. Brad was the quietest, with Noah, the youngest of the boys, being the most calm.
“Logan,” I hissed. “Your sister is sleeping.”
His eyes widened and he mouthed a quick ‘sorry’ but it was too late.
The boys groaned as Iris began howling. My breakfast churned in my stomach and I could taste the acidic bile on my tongue.
Oh God, there was no way I was going to get her to calm down without Maddox being here.
Iris screamed louder when I grabbed her wiggling little body from her bassinet. I popped her pacifier in her mouth, but that barely helped.
I had just fed her a bottle and changed her diaper. All her needs were taken care of. She was absolutely fine.
Except…
I rocked her back and forth as the boys watched me struggle to calm their baby sister. I cooed and sang to Iris. I did everything that Maddox would do, but nothing seemed to please her.
Iris cried… and cried until she fell into a fitful sleep.
“Momma, crying,” Noah said quietly. My cheeks were wet with tears and I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
“I’m fine,” I barely choked out, trying to convince my boys.
But it was a lie and even they could sense that.
Iris made a hiccup sound and her forehead furrowed as if she was uncomfortable in my arms. I placed her back into her bassinet and prayed she wouldn’t wake up again.
Quickly wiping away my tears, I fed the boys more pancakes and cleaned the kitchen while they finished their breakfast. Afterward, they quietly sat on the couch and watched TV without any argument or screaming matches.
Maybe they sensed that I was at my wit’s end. Because they were never this calm.
My legs shook as I sat down next to the bassinet. After being a little grump, Iris was now sleeping peacefully. Black curly hair. A tiny button nose and a pouty mouth. The cutest little thing ever. Even at six weeks old, she was the smallest of my babies. Everyone said she looked so much like me, and I wanted to believe that.
The back of my eyes burned and the lump in my throat swelled larger with emotions.
After Noah, I thought I was done with kids. Being surrounded with four boys and their father, that was enough testosterone for me. I was outnumbered and deep inside, I always wanted a girl.
When Noah turned two, I told Maddox I wanted to try for another baby. Of course, I barely even got the words out before he was on me and trying his luck to impregnate me.
As Maddox would joke endlessly about his super sperm, it turned out that I got pregnant that same night.
But it wasn’t meant to be.
Thinking about it still made me want to vomit.
Maddox held me in his arms as I lost our baby in our shower. We grieved together and three months later, I told Maddox I was ready again. He was reluctant but eventually gave in.
I grew desperate while I still mourned.
It took us seven months to get pregnant. Everything seemed to have fallen into place once again. At fourteen weeks, we found out we were having a girl.
I still remembered the look in Maddox’s eyes. The awe and unmistakable adoration. The kiss he had placed onto my lips, like he had been desperate to taste me and to breathe his love down my throat.
At our eighteen weeks’ ultrasound, we found no heartbeat.
After two miscarriages, Iris Catalina Coulter was my rainbow baby.
I had so much love to give her, buried inside of me. I wanted to hold her and tell her stories of how her father and I met and our stupid dares. I wanted to tell my little girl how long I waited for her arrival.
Except…
My daughter hated me.
