Dare to Love by Lylah James
Maddox
A week later
I walkedinto the house to five screaming kids. I grimaced, already knowing what would greet me. This was a daily routine. The boys were already hard enough to handle, but Iris was even worse. I toed off my winter boots and shook off the snow from my hair and my heavy coat.
I walked further into the house to find the boys running around with the dogs and Lila sitting on the couch, with Iris in her arms, screaming bloody murder. The house was a mess but I didn’t care. None of it mattered, except the look on Lila’s face.
The tears streaming down her cheeks.
The fragility of her posture and the look of complete defeat in her pretty brown eyes.
She didn’t even notice I was home. In fact, she wasn’t here. My Lila was lost.
Without saying a word, I grabbed Logan by the back of his shirt as he sprinted past me. “Get your brothers and take them to the TV room. I want complete silence while I put Iris to sleep. Understood?”
Logan must have noticed the severity in my voice because he nodded without any complaint. He was the oldest at eight years old. He was trouble – Maddox 2.0 – but mature for his age. After the boys left and the house quieted down, except for Iris’s cries, I walked up to my wife and daughter.
Lila finally noticed me. She looked up and there it was… the silent pleading in her eyes. The hopelessness and misery.
“I got her,” I said, taking Iris from her.
Our daughter instantly stopped crying, burying her tiny face into my chest as if searching for my warmth. My Lila flinched and I saw the moment her heart broke.
Fuck.There she went, breaking my heart.
“I’ll be back,” I told her before taking Iris away.
After quickly giving her a bath and swaddling her up for the night, I fed her a bottle of warm milk before putting her in her into the crib. I prayed she wouldn’t wake up, not until after I had taken care of my wife.
My kids needed me.
But my wife needed me more right now.
I caressed her chubby cheeks. “Your mommy loves you so much. You’re our little rainbow… I don’t know what’s wrong but I’ll fix this. I promise. I’ll fix this so your mommy doesn’t hurt anymore.”
After turning on the baby monitor, I went on the hunt for the boys. They were still in the TV room, where I had left them. One by one, they all got ready for bed.
Once the house was completely quiet and all the kids were asleep, I sought out my wife. I found her exactly where I knew she’d be.
Fixing the boxes under our huge Christmas tree.
It was already that time of year. Two weeks until Christmas.
It would have been an exciting time if Lila and I were not so exhausted. Lila more than me. She was having a harder time than usual with Iris, I knew that. But she was stubborn.
Lila hated asking for help.
And worse, she hid from me. Her real feelings, what she was struggling with and all the messy things in her head. She tried to act tough and strong, as if she had everything under control.
But I knew my Little Dragon was losing control.
My wife was a warrior and she fixed her own crown without needing me to, but some days she was a broken mess. And I was there, to hold her. To keep her grounded while she fought whatever battle she was fighting in her head.
But it wasn’t just a battle anymore.
It was a whole goddamn war in her head right now. And my Lila? She was a bloody soldier who was slowly losing her grip on reality.
I let her pile up the presents again; I had lost count how many times she re-organized the presents under the tree. Lila did that every time she was lost in her head, kind of like something she did unknowingly.
“Lila,” I called out gently.
She jumped in response, but otherwise chose to ignore me. But I’ve had enough. Striding over to her crouched form, I lifted her up in my arms. She went willingly, her body going slack in my embrace.
Lila buried her face into my neck and let out a loud sob. “I don’t know what to do! What am I doing wrong?”
“You’re not doing anything wrong.” I stroked her back as her body trembled with every wretched sob that escaped her throat. She was hurting and my heart was bleeding at her feet.
“Then why does it feel like I am?”
I didn’t know how to explain this to her. I didn’t have the response she needed to hear.
I settled on the couch and turned Lila around in my arms so that she was straddling me. Her face was blotchy, her brown eyes glassy with tears. Her lips were red and swollen and I knew she must had been chewing on them for a long time.
I grasped her jaw between my fingers, holding her still so she could look into my eyes. “Tell me what you need, Little Dragon. Tell me what you really need. Don’t lie to me. Don’t hide from me.”
I watched as Lila struggled to find her words. She was so consumed by being the perfect wife and mother, she forgot all about her needs. She forgot to put herself first.
Her face crumpled. “I miss… you.”
My lips met hers with a tender kiss. “I know.”
“I miss me,” she breathed into our kiss. “I miss… us.”
“Me too, Little Dragon.”
Lila whispered her secrets against my lips. Even though I had known them all without her having to tell me, I let her rant. I let her spill whatever she was holding inside her for the last six weeks.
She told me how hopeless she felt.
Lila explained how confused she was…
I don’t feel worthy.
I thought I was the perfect mother to our kids, but now I don’t feel like it.
Say whatever you want but Iris hates me.
I can’t sleep at night.
I can’t eat.
I feel sick.
My heart hurts.
Some days… I don’t want to wake up. I can’t stand to hear Iris cry anymore. It hurts.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to be the mother Iris needs.
What if the boys start to hate me too?
I’m worried the boys will feel left out or unwanted because I’m so focused on Iris.
I feel ugly and fat. My body is not the same anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I want to go out with the girls. I want to go shopping, wear makeup, get my hair done… I want to go on a date with you, but then every time I think about it, I’m filled with so much guilt and shame, yet I have no idea why.
Then I get angry at myself. Why am I so upset about such trivial things?
I should be stronger. I should be better. But why am I so weak?
You won’t understand. No one will understand. Even I don’t understand what I’m feeling.
Some times, I’m angry at you. I’m jealous of you. How is that normal? How can I be jealous of my own husband because he’s the perfect father to our kids?
We’re drifting further apart. I can feel it. Don’t lie to me. There is a distance between us that wasn’t there before and I know it’s all my fault.
The clock just ticks and ticks, the days fly by, time never stops but everything just feels so repetitive. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a loop, in a separate alternate reality.
And that was how Lila fell asleep. In my arms, her sobs turning into little wounded whispers. The more she spoke of her feelings, the more I finally understood what I needed to do.
Her fingers clutched at my shirt even in her sleep.
“I got you, Little Dragon.”
