Dare to Love by Lylah James
Lila
After the boys had settled down for a nap – all thanks to our two Golden Retrievers, Simba and Nala, keeping them active and tiring them out – I also put Iris down for a nap. That was after thirty minutes of wailing while I bathed and dressed her.
Once the house was quiet, I practically crawled into the bathroom. My head hurt, my body ached and I was just so… tired.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I looked exactly how I felt.
Maddox hadn’t changed a bit since we got married. Fit and handsome as ever. He barely even aged. But me?
God, I was an absolute mess.
I cringed at the woman staring back at me in the reflection. The dark circles. The vomit in my hair. When was the last time I showered? Two days ago? Maybe three?
I hastily ripped Maddox’s shirt off but then ended up choking back a cry when I saw my naked body. I had barely even looked at myself in the mirror since Iris was born.
It was a rough pregnancy and it took a toll on my body.
My flat stomach was gone since the twins but now more stretch marks covered the loose, flabby skin and as much as I loved that this belly carried my five precious babies, I hated the sight of it. The surgical scar I got from my last pregnancy glared back at me.
My boobs leaked and I realized that I only had about fifteen minutes before Iris needed another round of milk.
Fuck.
My knees weakened and I crouched down, letting out another muffled sob.
“Lila,” Maddox called through the door. “You okay in there?”
When did he come home? I was glad he came back early, but I didn’t want him to see me like this. The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of Maddox. He didn’t need to see me so… weak. A terrible ache spread across my chest.
“Yeah,” I said, trying to sound strong, but my voice only came out as a whimper.
Maddox was silent for a mere second before he knocked again, this time more urgently. “Lila, I’ll give you ten seconds to open this door before I break it down.”
I angrily swiped the tears away and yelled back, “I’m fine. Just give me a minute.”
“No,” my husband growled. “You’re not, Little Dragon. Let me in.”
Goddamn it. Maddox and his intuition. He always knew when I needed him, always by my side even without me asking for his help.
“Don’t you dare break–”
My sentence was cut off when the door slammed open and there was Maddox. Face hard and eyes soft as he strode toward me. “For fuck’s sake,” I hissed.
“You never, ever lock me out, Lila,” he said, his voice deep and angry. Maddox crouched down beside me and I tried to swat his hands away, but he was already cradling me in his arms and lifting my body off the cold tiles.
He settled me on the vanity, next to the sink, and caged me with his arms. I pushed against his chest. “Is there no privacy? I just needed some time alone, Maddox.”
His eyes glinted with something dark. “No privacy. Not when you’re like this.”
“Like what?” I asked defensively.
“You’re stuck in your head again, Lila. I’m not leaving my wife alone when she needs me.”
“What I need is to be alone.”
“What you need is to cry it out while I hold you.”
“I–”
“She doesn’t hate you, Little Dragon,” Maddox said gently.
I choked on my own saliva, fighting back tears. “She does!”
He cupped my cheeks, bringing our faces closer. His lips whispered over mine. “How can she hate you? How can she possibly hate you when you gave her life? When you have so much love to give her? Iris is six weeks old. She doesn’t know anything about hate.”
Maddox kissed me and I let out a sob. “But… she does… hate me. She cries every time I touch her… Iris never cries when you hold her. She won’t even let me breastfeed her!”
“You’re an amazing mother, Lila.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“Look at me, Little Dragon,” Maddox said with urgency. Our gazes locked together, mine filled with tears and his – blue eyes like the deep ocean, brimming with adoration.
“When Logan was born, I didn’t know how to be a father. You taught me how to love, you taught me how be a father because I had no fucking idea where to start. I want to say we both gave our best, but Lila, we wouldn’t be the family we are now without you holding us together. You’re the glue and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for my kids. These boys and Iris will never have someone who loves them as much as you do.”
I curled into Maddox’s arms, pushing my face into his neck as I let out a loud sob. It was the first time I allowed myself to cry like this since Iris came into the world, with one powerful set of lungs.
“What do I do?” I hiccupped.
Maddox stroked my back, running his fingers through my messy hair. “You do what you always do, Lila. You love us and let me handle the rest.”
“But–”
“And stop hiding from me. You want to cry? Fine, cry. But do it while I hold you. You want to rage? Go ahead. Scream at me. But don’t hide from me because I want every piece of you. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.”
He caressed the curve of my hips before his hands went under me, cupping my ass. Maddox lifted me in his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist. “I smell like puke.”
“Yeah, so?”
I wiggled a bit until the juncture of my thighs was perfectly settled onto his hardness. “Then, why are you hard?”
“My wife is naked. Her gorgeous tits were just in my face and she currently has her legs around my hips, of course I’m hard.”
“I haven’t showered in three days.”
He chuckled. “I still want to fuck you.”
When was the last time we had a private moment together? Actually, when was the last time we had sex? Way before Iris was born, since I was put on bed rest for the last six weeks of my pregnancy.
So, the last time we had sex was approximately three months ago. That was the longest we had gone without doing anything dirty.
Maddox carried us the shower, while I was still wrapped in his embrace. We stood under the showerheads, letting the water rain down on us as the steam clouded the glass doors. I slid down Maddox’s body but he kept me close while he got rid of his now wet clothes. I admired his naked body, his strong thighs, wide shoulders and chest, abs that were still as droolworthy as the day I met him.
Maddox was sinfully gorgeous and he was all mine.
He lathered my hair with my shampoo, running his fingers through the wet, tangly strands.
His thumbs gently dug into my scalp, massaging it. “That feels good. By the way, you broke the door. Again.”
“I’ll fix it.”
I rolled my eyes. “How about you stop breaking it?”
“Stop locking me out,” he shot back.
I rubbed my hands across his wide chest and down his abs, feeling his muscles tighten under my touch. I nibbled on my lower lip as my fingers travelled south, stroking his pelvis, just above his thick length that was standing up for attention.
“Don’t tease me if you’re not ready for the consequences,” Maddox threatened.
I quirked an eyebrow at him. “Who said I wasn’t ready for the consequences?”
“You want my cock?” His eyes darkened with need.
I wrapped my hand around his length, but he was so thick my fingers barely even touched. “Depends. Are you offering?”
He pushed us against the wall of the shower, away from the cascading water. Maddox gave me a slow thrust when I fisted him. He was fully aroused now. His chest rumbled with a low groan. “Depends where you want it.”
To be wanted by this beautiful man was something exhilarating. But to be needed by Maddox Coulter was… more than I could describe in words.
“My fist?” I teased.
“Not good enough,” Maddox grunted as I squeezed him and rubbed my thumb over the slit.
I let him go and brought my thumb to my mouth, spreading his pre-cum over my lips before licking them. “My mouth then? Apparently, I’m good at sucking dick.”
“Get on your knees,” he ordered, his voice now rough and husky. I missed it – the need and urgency in his voice when he lusted for me. My core clenched in response and I slowly lowered myself to my knees. Maddox spread his legs, wide enough for me to reach for his thick, bobbing length. The tip was swollen and red.
He fisted my hair and pulled my face closer to his cock. “Suck, Lila. Don’t make me tell you again.”
I licked the shaft to the tip, teasing him. “Lila,” he warned.
I looked up at him, watching his face grow hard with hunger and longing. I saw what I needed to see. Maddox missed me as much as I missed him. Our eyes locked together as I opened my mouth, accepting him. He didn’t waste any time, thrusting into my mouth as I closed my lips around his thickness. The scent of him… the feel of him… the taste of him…
He barely even touched the back of my throat when I heard a scream, followed by the wail of Iris.
I almost choked on Maddox’s dick as our bedroom door slammed open and then…
Maddox pulled out with a curse and we both scrambled away from each other.
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Fuuuck.”
“I got it.” I was already out of the shower, grabbing a towel off the rack.
“Mommy! Levi won’t give me back my Spider-man toy,” Brad cried.
“Liar!” Levi bellowed. “I didn’t take it. Logan did!”
“No, I didn’t!”
“I saw you take it,” Noah added, calmly. “Levi took it.”
Iris continued to scream at the top of her lungs.
Maddox and I gave each other a look filled with longing. “You can finish up here.” I nodded toward his still very much hardened dick. Maddox glared down at it, hands on his hips.
“Goddamn it,” he cursed.
I gave my husband’s nakedness one final appreciative look before walking out of the bathroom to handle our rowdy boys.
* * *
Riley tooka slow sip of her smoothie. “When was the last time you had dick?”
Aurora choked on her own drink, sputtering and coughing. “Could… you have said that any louder.” She took a peek around the restaurant but everyone was minding their own business.
Not that Riley cared if anyone heard us.
For the longest time, it was only Riley and me. Until Aurora joined our little girl group about ten years ago. Even though she was Colton’s little sister, she was his complete opposite.
“Anal,” Charlotte– Riley’s stepsister – said, all nonchalantly while Aurora flushed.
“You’re all bitches. I hate you.”
While Aurora was shy and innocent, Riley and Charlotte were brash and sarcastic. I missed these girls. Riley came over a lot but I missed going out, even if it was just for an hour to have lunch with my friends. The last time I did this, I was heavily pregnant with Iris and that was before I was put on bed rest.
“Please, you’re no virgin and we all know that the shy ones are always the dirtiest. Tell us your secrets,” Riley wiggled her eyebrows.
Aurora’s eyes swung to me, looking for an escape. “When was the last time you had dick?” she whispered.
Charlotte and Riley let out a giggle.
“No, but seriously,” Riley started. “Have you and Maddox had any time alone together since you gave birth to Iris? I keep telling you to drop the kids over at my place. I’ll babysit!”
“I can help too,” Aurora said, taking a bite of her chicken sandwich.
I chewed on my fries, shrugging, but deep inside, the feeling of helplessness clawed at my chest. “I can’t remember the last time Maddox and I went on a date.”
“You need some time with your husband, alone… to recuperate.” Riley’s eyes met mine. She understood me best. “You look like you’re at the end of your rope and barely hanging on, babe.”
“I can’t imagine handling twins, let alone five kids. You’re Superwoman, Lila. But even Superwoman needs some time off,” Charlotte added.
I didn’t know how to respond, because I didn’t know how to take a break. The last thing on my mind was vacation or going on a date with Maddox when my daughter couldn’t even stand me holding her.
I took a bite of my burger, stuffing my face with food instead of answering, or worse, breaking down in front of the girls. Riley squinted at me, giving me a knowing look, but she wisely turned the conversation away from me.
“How’s your boyfriend?”
Charlotte rolled her eyes. “We’re not on speaking terms right now.”
“You guys were not on speaking terms last week either,” Aurora noted.
“That’s because asshole number two came between us.”
“I don’t understand how you agreed on this arrangement,” Riley said, although there was no judgment in her tone. Just mild curiosity. “How can you share your man with another one? I can’t imagine doing that.”
“That’s because Brody shares me too.”
Aurora’s eyes widened and even I perked up with interest. “Say what now?”
“Um, yeah. It kinda just happened, but it’s complicated.”
“A three way?” innocent Aurora gasped. “Was it just once or…?”
Charlotte’s eyes darted between the three of us, looking only slightly uncomfortable before she blurted out, “I like Lucas too.”
“Oh shit,” Riley muttered.
I only blinked. Why was I not surprised? She had been complaining about Lucas for a very long time, but there was just something in her eyes every time she said his name or he came up in our conversations.
“So, I’m a little stuck between asshole number one and asshole number two,” Charlotte explained.
My lips curled up, grinning. “Why choose when you can have both?”
“Exactly.” Charlotte winked. Riley nodded in agreement while Aurora appeared scandalized.
The conversation drifted from Charlotte to Riley and then Aurora, who was shy and innocent, but secretly obsessed with her father’s best friend. Oh, the drama.
Lunch was quickly devoured and we were on our desserts when my phone vibrated with a call. Maddox's name flashed on my screen and I was instantly on alert. Maybe it was mom intuition or maybe it was because at this point, with five kids, I was always ready for something bad to happen.
“Lila,” Maddox’s voice came through, sounding breathless and a little… worried. “Don’t freak out.”
I gripped the phone tighter. “I’m already freaking out, Maddox. Spit it out.”
“So…” he let out a small, forced laugh. “I’m at the hospital with the kids.”
I must have heard him wrong because that didn’t make any sense or maybe I just refused to believe what I just heard.
My blood ran cold and I was frozen in my seat.
“Say that again,” I breathed.
“Please don’t freak out,” Maddox pleaded.
My heart galloped in my chest and it felt like my lungs were closing in. I couldn’t breathe. “Maddox, just tell me what the hell is going on?”
There was another familiar voice in the background and then Maddox let out a tired sigh. “The boys were playing and there was a little incident where Noah got hurt. He needs stitches on his forehead but it’s nothing to worry about. It’s a small cut, nothing too serious.”
I was already grabbing for my bag and sprinting out of the restaurant before he even finished his sentence. I barely noticed the girls following after me. “I’m coming,” I wheezed in a rush.
“He’s okay. Noah is dealing with this better than I thought,” Maddox said slowly, trying to placate me. “He’s not crying, just a little shocked, but everyone is okay, I promise you.”
I swallowed back the tears. My child was hurt and here I was having lunch and laughing with my friends. I should have been with them. My whole body shook and I felt sick. The food sitting in my stomach churned and I fought the urge to throw up.
“I’m on my way,” I said, my voice thick with unshed tears. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
I hung up and got in the car. Riley climbed in next to me. “Colton texted me, I’ll come with you. Charlotte and Aurora will follow.”
Fifteen minutes later,I found Colton in the hospital's waiting room. He was with Logan, Brad and Levi. My boys looked pale and in shock. The moment they saw me, they rushed to my side. Brad, my sweet boy, had tears in his eyes.
“It was my fault but I didn’t mean to push him so hard,” Logan admitted guilty. He looked like he about to cry too.
“It was no one’s fault. It was purely an accident,” Colton jumped in. He grasped Logan by the shoulders. “Not your fault, buddy. You guys were just playing.”
Colton nodded toward the end of the corridor. “He’s in room four.”
I left the boys with Colton and rushed to room four. The first thing I saw when I entered the much smaller room was Maddox with a sleeping Iris strapped to his chest. When he moved to the side, my gaze finally landed on Noah.
My poor injured boy had the biggest smile on his face as he sucked on a lollipop. He had a bandage around his head.
“This must be mommy,” the doctor said as a greeting. “Noah is a big boy. He barely even flinched when I stitched him, right?”
My legs were shaking so hard I could barely stand up straight. Blood roared between my ears and adrenaline coursed through my veins. My skin prickled with anxiety and the room grew blurry, the voices distant.
Noah eyed the doctor, giving her his best puppy eyes and the charming smile that he got from his father. “Can I have another candy?”
Maddox chuckled. “He’s using that look.”
The doctor handed Noah another lollipop. “You’re going to break hearts, aren’t you?”
My knees weakened and I lowered myself onto the chair next to the door. The doctor patted me on the shoulder. “He’s fine. I’ll leave you three alone for a moment.”
Shame and guilt gnawed at me, digging its deadly claws under my skin. The whispers were back again. Echoing in my ears. Taunting me. Telling me how horrible a mother I was.
Maddox grasped Noah under his arms and pulled him off the hospital bed. Still grinning, he waddled his way to me and wrapped his little arms around my waist. “Mkay, mommy. I’m okay,” he said in his sweet voice.
And that was the moment I burst into tears, choking on my cries as I held my boy.
I was spiralling without anything keeping me grounded.
I felt so out of control.
So helpless.
