Dare to Love by Lylah James

6

Lila

Islept through the morning and when I woke up, Maddox wasn’t in bed. But he had left me a note and a… dead rose. I couldn’t help but smile because it was a tradition. A little weird and abnormal if someone were to ask, but dead roses were our thing.

Join me in the hot tub. Wear the white bikini – the note said.

White was his favorite color on me, I knew that. But it was the bikini part that had me pausing. I chewed on my lips, suddenly feeling odd.

My cramps were back and my stomach hollowed. For a long minute, I fidgeted with my hands and the bedsheet, before I finally drew the courage to get out of bed and get ready. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and combed my hair five times, until I was satisfied.

I opened the suitcase Maddox had packed for me – he didn’t even let me see what was in it. And right on top, I found the white bikini. It was a halter top with adjustable neck tie that could be worn in different ways and the bottom was practically a thong.

I didn’t let myself overthink this, even when all I wanted to do was throw that gorgeous bikini away. After putting on the bikini, I glanced at the mirror.

I was never shy about my body and I was no prude.

But…

My palms grew clammy and the room swayed. I had been naked in front of Maddox numerous times since I gave birth to Iris. Why was I so anxious about a freaking bikini? This was nothing, yet…

I felt more self-conscious than when I was naked.

A bikini was meant to make me feel sexy, except I felt anything but.

Fuck this!

I took a deep breath, looked away from my reflection and strode past the glass doors, where Maddox was waiting for me.

We had our own outdoor thermal pool, which was just basically a huge hot tub. Our room overlooked the blue skies and snowy peaks of the mountains.

Maddox had his back to me as he enjoyed the view so I cleared my throat, bringing his attention to me. The moment his eyes were on me, he slowly grinned.

“Fuck,” he swore.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I dug my nails into my thighs. My anxiety was shooting up to the skies and my blood slowly ran cold.

Maddox eyed me up and down, almost like he was appreciating the sight of me. Taking the time to drink me in.

What was there to appreciate though?

My stomach knotted up. I could feel the soft panic building in my veins, like poison.

Maddox must have noticed my stiff posture, before he put out his arm, palm up, inviting me in. “Come here, you gorgeous woman.”

My body moved on its own, listening to Maddox’s demand before I could even think.

I got into the pool, the water bubbling and warm, my whole body went soft the moment I was shoulders deep. Maddox grasped me by the waist and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his hips. He pushed my back against the edge.

“What’s with that look, Little Dragon?” he questioned softly.

“Nothing.” But I was too quick to answer, which only made him more aware of how uncomfortable I was.

Maddox kissed the corner of my lips. “Tell me.”

His kisses were tender but insistent. His lips whispered over my cheeks, my jaw… my throat and the collarbone before dipping lower. “Tell me,” he urged again.

“I’m just… I feel so… not sexy…” I practically choked on the words.

Speaking of my insecurities out loud felt like I had a knife dug in my chest, the blade twisting deeper into my flesh. “How can you still want me?”

Maddox growled, almost angrily. He pulled back, his eyes hard and his jaw clenched tight. I could see the muscles ticking in his left cheek. He wrapped one arm around my waist and lifted me out of the water, sitting my ass on the edge.

His gaze traveled from the top of my head, my eyes, my lips… my throat, down to my chest and stomach, my hips, the juncture between my thighs and then my legs. The scars between my breasts tingled, like they always did whenever I was under scrutiny.

There was just something in those blatant blue eyes that made me trembled. He stared at me, so leisurely, slow and deliberate. Maddox took his time and goosebumps peppered my skin and my nipples tightened.

“Lila,” he rasped.

My heart thudded.

His head lowered toward my stomach and his lips brushed against my stretch marks. He traced every single indent and imperfection with his tongue before placing the most tender kiss on my c-section scar. “You’re so fucking beautiful; I don’t just want you – I crave you.”

I’ve never felt more naked and more desired than this moment, right here, with Maddox’s gaze on my body like he had never seen something more beautiful than me.

He stared at me like I was his newfound obsession, a yet we had been married for many years and after giving birth to five babies, my body wasn’t the same as ten years ago.

“I want you, as recklessly as I wanted you since I first laid eyes on you in that coffee shop. Needing you is just as normal as breathing,” Maddox said in that rough, gravelly voice of his.

I lowered myself into the water once again, wrapping my arms and legs around him. “Make love to me,” I whispered, tears sliding down my cheeks. “Make love to me, Maddox. Right now, Right here.”

And he did.

Maddox pushed my bikini bottom to the side and slid right in, pushing his thick length into me. I cried out, burying my face into his neck. I was still sore from yesterday and still very much hypersensitive, but I needed this.

I needed to feel close to him, with nothing else separating us.

His strokes were painfully slow but I didn’t rush him. Maddox took his sweet time, giving me gentle, shallow thrust. He palmed my ass, squeezing and pinching the soft cheeks.

His groans vibrated through my body.

He swallowed my whimpers down his throat. I was wrapped around him, safe in his embrace while he worked my body, pushing me until I was on the precipice of my orgasm. Maddox was everywhere, inside me, in my veins, in my heart, stuck in my soul.

His lips wrapped around my nipple over my bikini. He suckled and bit on the hardened tips until I was writhing in his arms.

“Easy, Little Dragon. Sweet and slow.”

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too,” he grunted.

Maddox made love to me tenderly, like I was someone to be treasured. Like I was fragile and he was scared I would slide through his fingers.

And when we found our release, it was just as beautiful as it was explosive.

He held me afterward, while I cried.

We didn’t speak a word, because there was no need to. We understood each other, through our silence and our touch.

* * *

Four days later,our time in Switzerland was coming to an end. We had spent five blissful days together, practically honeymooning again. We were lazy in bed, went on romantic dates that overlooked gorgeous views of the snowy mountains, had crazy amounts of sex… and we finally had a chance to speak.

It was a relief to finally open up about all my troubles, the insecurities and my helplessness about the situation. Maddox had slowly coaxed me out of my shell. It was hard at first, but Maddox – he knew me better than I did myself.

And that was exactly how this conversation came up. We were wrapped in each other arms, after another lazy afternoon of making love. We were talking about Iris and how worried I was…

“I’ve been reading a lot, surfing the internet and reading countless of articles,” Maddox said, slowly. “I’m no expert, but do you think you’re going through postpartum depression?”

There it was. The conversation I was trying my hardest my avoid. But I knew it was coming, because as always, to Maddox, I was an open book.

I swallowed down the heavy emotions in my throat and gave one small, sharp nob. “I think so too,” I breathed, my voice shaky and filled with uncertainty. “I didn’t want to believe it at first, but over the last few days, I had come to the same conclusion too.”

His fingers gently brushed against my arm and he caressed me. Maddox placed a tender kiss on my temple. “You had a rough pregnancy, Lila… and after two miscarriages. That’s a lot of stress, tension and emotions to deal with. You never gave yourself a chance to mourn properly because you were scared but you need time to heal.”

I was finally realizing that. A lot had happened over the last two years since we decided to try for another baby. The miscarriages had hit me the hardest. There were a lot of confusion and numbness, but I never gave myself a chance to go through those emotions. Instead, I had tucked those feelings away and tried for another baby… until Iris came to be.

But the complication that came with my pregnancy had hit me so unexpectedly. Once again, I had shoved everything in the dark corner of my heart without letting myself truly feel.

I ran my fingers across Maddox’s abs, feeling the need to touch him. He kept me grounded. “But why does Iris behave this way with me? I know she doesn’t hate me. She’s just a baby, but… I’m worried, Maddox.”

“Iris didn’t bond with you right away after she was born. You were in the hospital for more than a week after you had those complications with your surgery. The first week of a baby’s life is very important to bond with the mother but you and Iris never got that chance. She got used to me,” he muttered, thoughtfully.

What Maddox said was making sense. I had thought of that too, but I still hated it.

“Babies can feel when a person is stressed and feeling negative. They react accordingly to it,” he explained. “They can sense when you’re tensed or frustrated. I’m not saying it’s your fault she cries when you hold her. She’s a grumpy baby, over all. I’m not a professional, but I guess she can feel you.”

“You’re making a lot of sense, and I don’t like it,” I grumbled.

I could feel his smile against my forehead. “Infants are mysterious in many ways, Lila. We’ve learned that with five kids. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Miss Perfectionist.”

“Maybe… I need to talk to a therapist?” I laid my head on his chest, listening to his soothing rhythm of his heartbeats. “I just want… I want to be the best version of myself for our kids, Maddox. You’re right. I need time to heal and I struggle with my feelings. This mini-vacation helped, but I know the moment we go home, I’ll fall back into my bad habits. It’ll be a routine; I don’t know how to pause and I’ll eventually succumb to the stress again.”

“Whatever you want, Little Dragon. If you want to speak with someone, we’ll do that.”

My phone rang and we both startled. Maddox chuckled and leaning over me to grab my phone. “It’s mom. Probably the kids again.”

It was an incoming video chat and I accepted the request. Noah’s perfect face was the first thing I saw. His ice cream covered face.

“Hi mommy,” he said with the biggest smile, as if we didn’t just speak an hour ago.

“Hi, baby,” I said. My heart was practically bursting with love. The other boys joined, coming in front of the camera.

“Grandma said we could eat ice cream twice today,” Logan whisper-yelled. Savannah, Maddox’s mother, laughed. She was holding Iris in her arms. My precious babies all in one frame.

“Oh yeah, and Grandma got me a new stuffie,” Brad added.

He already told me that three times since yesterday but I only nodded, as if this was the biggest new ever. “Oh my God! Really? I can’t wait to see it!”

“When are you coming, mommy?” Levi asked.

I smiled. “Tomorrow. Did you miss me and daddy?”

“Yes,” they all practically screamed.

And that was it. Logan went back to watch the TV. Brad and Noah were arguing about more stuffies. Levi was asking Savannah if he could hold Iris.

That was how short their attention span was.

Smiling, I waved at mother-in-law and cut the call. “God, I miss these little monsters.”

“Ready to go home tomorrow?”

“Honestly?” Our eyes locked. “Yeah, I am.”

Maddox grinned.

And I just fell more in love with my husband.