I Dare You by Lylah James

I spent two days agonizing over Maddox and our fallout.

Two days and two nights…

It was a battle with my brain and my heart. Anxiety got the best of me. My emotions were in turmoil, and I didn’t know what to do… what to think… what to believe in anymore. I told myself it was okay to be hurt, to feel betrayed. Then, I told myself I was being unreasonable.

It wasn’t Maddox driving the car that night. It wasn’t Maddox who killed my parents. So, why was I punishing him? Punishing us?

Two days and two nights…

My overthinking had always been my biggest flaw.

Once I had calmed down, I started to see things clearly. It became easier to reason with myself. If there was someone who deserved the full lash of my hatred and my fury… it was the Carmichaels. Not Maddox.

His betrayal had cut deep, but now that I had the time to think about it, I understood why he did it. It was still a harsh truth to grasp, to swallow and to accept.

In my head, Maddox took the shape of Christian. I needed someone to be angry at, I needed someone to feel the brunt of my fury, and I directed it all toward Maddox.

I had needed someone to blame for the way my life had seemed to crumble under my feet.

Maddox was there… and I blamed him.

Now that I had the time to really think about it, I realized that the gala was a blurred mess in my brain. I had gone into shock, and I was surviving on it. I hadn’t given myself time to grieve, to come to terms with seeing Christian again, coming face-to-face with my parents’ killer.

I had been reliving my past, too overwhelmed to really process what was happening. My therapist used to say that emotional shock is a shutdown mechanism that is supposed to buy a person time to process their trauma.

Hurting Maddox… pushing Maddox further from me was my way of dealing with it. I had been vulnerable… powerless, and it was my weak attempt at shutting down and protecting myself.

I wanted to believe that Maddox would never intentionally hurt me. I wanted to believe in him. After everything we had been through, his feelings for me were honest. I knew that with as much surety that I knew my own love for him.

After coming to terms with my own anger and my sense of feeling betrayed, I finally decided to meet up with Maddox. It was time for us to talk.

I wasn’t ready to put all of this behind us. The trust between us was fragile, a thin thread that could easily snap.

But I was willing to try.

Because I wanted Maddox. Needed him. Because our pasts should no longer have any control over our present… or our future.

I wanted to give us another chance. Forgiveness was the first step. I was willing to forgive him for keeping that secret. My mom never taught me to give up so easily, and Maddox was worth it.

He was worth the pain.

He was worth my love.

I walked out of class with a renewed determination. My gaze flickered to my, now, fixed phone, but there was no new messages or incoming calls. I texted Maddox an hour ago and had asked him to meet me at his place.

His class ended before mine. But there was no response from him, except radio silence.

It’s okay, I told myself. I can wait.

I walked down the path that led me off campus and toward the school residence. I counted the steps in my head, feeling my hands tremble in nervousness.

I told Maddox I would never give up on him, and I was willing to keep that vow. For him. For us.

Tugging my jacket closer to my body, I shielded myself from the cold. My gaze found the couples around me. Some were walking hand in hand. I caught one couple kissing. There was another one hugging by the bus stop, laughing… happy…

It was a cruel reminder of what I threw away… what I had lost. My pace quickened, as I tried to get away from all the loving couples.

I almost reached my apartment building… when something else caught my attention. A flash of familiar dirty blond hair. My feet slowed, and then came to a halt. I turned toward the coffee shop to my left.

Numbness took over, and my body froze on the spot.

When life hits you in the face, it hits you hard enough to give you goddamn whiplash.

My breath caught in my throat. Maddox occupied a table near the window. He wasn’t… alone. Bianca sat across from him. I blinked, as I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. My eyes lowered to her midriff. The sight of it was glaring back at me.

No, God. Please no. Please don’t be so cruel to me. No, please. No. No. NO.

The last time I had seen Bianca, she was wearing a baggy sweater. Today, she had a simple black camisole on. It molded around her curves and… her very round, very pregnant belly.

I started shaking, my whole body growing cold… and colder.

I felt the sting of tears in my nose, as I blinked, wishing this was all an illusion. But no matter how many times I blinked, the reality glared back at me.

His truth.

His secrets.

His lies.

Maddox and Bianca looked to be arguing. Her expression was heartbroken, as Maddox shook his head. She cupped her pregnant belly, and she was full on crying now. Bianca tried to reach for him, but he pulled away, like the mere idea of her touch would burn him.

I watched, as he pulled something from the pocket of his jacket. The world slowed down, and the colors faded away. I watched the scene in front of me, like a black and white movie with no sound.

I was still in the same spot when Maddox got up to leave.

He turned… his eyes locked with mine… Bianca gasped…

Maddox paled, and he rushed forward.

I took a step back…

And I ran. For the third time in a week, I ran from Maddox.

I pressed a hand over my face, as Maddox walked through the door, barging inside of his bedroom. I didn’t even realize I had found my way in here.

I missed this room. Missed sleeping in this bed, wrapped in his embrace. Missed his scent that lingered on our pillows and the mattress.

Maddox was out of breath, as he rushed toward me. I looked up into his wide, terrified eyes. “Lila, let me explain,” he said. This had become his signature phrase. Why did he keep messing up so much that I had to give him a chance to explain. Every. Single. Time?

I swallowed back the cry that threatened to spill from my throat. “The last few weeks, I had been so worried,” I confessed, my voice thick with emotion. “So scared. You were drifting away from me. Something was wrong, I could tell. I gave you a chance to tell me, but you didn’t. I asked you, but you evaded my questions. The distance between us grew, as I watched helplessly. It was only a matter of days, before everything fell apart.”

I got off the bed, away from the musky, masculine scent that kept assaulting my senses. I now realized the reason Maddox had been acting so different, why he had been so aloof.

“Is it yours?” I still asked, even though I already knew the answer. “Is this why she was texting you?”

Maddox gave me a single nod.

“How far along is she?”

Bianca didn’t look to be in her third trimester. Her pregnant belly was round and firm but petite. “Almost six months.”

Six… months.

My hand came up, and I rubbed my forehead, trying to chase away the pounding headache. My chin wobbled, and my lips trembled. I felt the sting of fresh tears in the back of my eyes. If I did my math correctly…

She and Maddox slept together about five weeks before Paris.

He said he had been celibate for… months. Five weeks was definitely not months. It was barely even one.

“You said you didn’t sleep with anyone for a long time. I didn’t know five weeks is considered a long time,” I said, almost mocking him. “It must have been torture for you to be celibate for five weeks.”

Maddox shook his head. “I don’t remember much of that night. I didn’t even know I slept with her, Lila. I hadn’t been with anyone for months, but that night… It was the party… the spring reunion party for the football team.”

The one I didn’t attend with Maddox because I had been sick and on my period.

He rubbed a hand over his face, tiredly, looking more haggard than ever. “God, I was drunk. So fucking drunk, the whole night is a blur.”

I swallowed and tried to push the ball of emotion down my throat. “How are you sure you slept with her?”

Guilt flashed in his blue eyes, and he grimaced. “I didn’t think about it before, because I didn’t remember much of that night. But when Bianca approached me and told me about it… I saw a flash of us together. I remembered going into the room with her,” Maddox croaked, the rest of his words barely audible. “When I told you I hadn’t slept with anyone in months, I wasn’t lying. I didn’t lie because, honest to God, I didn’t remember that night.”

I didn’t know what to believe in anymore.

An hour ago, I had been ready to forgive Maddox about Christian.

I had been willing to look past the fact that he kept such a secret from me. Had been willing to move on… and forgive… to accept… to love again.

And now?

We were back to square one.

“I don’t understand.” I shook my head, bringing my trembling fingers to my temple, rubbing the throbbing ache. “Why didn’t she tell you before? Why wait so long?”

His throat bobbed, as he swallowed. “She didn’t know… if she wanted to keep the baby.”

“And you? What are you going to do?” I asked quietly.

His head snapped up; fear was an apparent mask on his face. I had my answer, without him even having to say the words. My heart crash landed at my feet.

Maddox tried to reach for me, but I pushed away. “You lied to me about her. The moment you found out she was pregnant with your baby, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how,” he breathed. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

“It was simple. You just had to tell me the truth, that’s all I’ve ever asked from you.”

His legs gave out, and he sat on the bed, his head in his hands, a choked sound coming from him.

“You’re the best unplanned thing that has ever happened to me, Maddox. And I can’t lose you. But you’re doing everything to push… me away from you,” I whispered, my voice breaking at the end. “You’ve been telling lies, keeping secrets. Since when have you started lying to me, Maddox?”

I already had the answer to that question. Months… and months of secrets.

After everything we had been through… he tainted everything that we were with his lies.

“You said you didn’t want to lose me. But you already have,” I whispered, my voice faltering, as I spoke the hardest words in my life.

His head snapped up, and his eyes flared with torment. He was decadently handsome, a little bit broken and a mistake from the beginning.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out.

“Is that all you have to say?”

There was tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

If it hurts you so much, what kind of love is this?

I knew Maddox would break my heart, but a part of me hoped he wouldn’t.

My heart wept, and a lone tear slid down my cheek. “They said you were trouble. I didn't listen. I took a chance on you. And now I regret it.”

“Don’t leave me.” His hoarse voice cracked. “Please.”

I took a step back. Maddox looked wounded, and my soul bled to see him hurt.

I had to leave. For me. For him.

“Lila,” he breathed my name. “Please.”

I slowly shook my head. “Maddox.” It pained me to say his name. “You broke your promises.”

My feet took me another step back.

“No,” he pleaded. “Lila, no.”

I turned and walked away, leaving my broken heart at his feet.

Pausing at the door, I gave him a final glance over my shoulder. “You’re going to be a father, Maddox,” I whispered, my voice thick with unshed tears. “Congratulations.”

He shook his head in denial. “You already broke us, but for once in your life… do the right thing, Maddox. Bianca needs you. And that baby deserves a father.”

Like I needed him.

But she needed him… more.

I fucked up.

I knew I’d eventually mess up. I knew I’d end up destroying the one good thing in my entire life. Lila.

Because that was the only thing I was capable of.

Destroying lives.

Ruining her.

Wrecking us.

I tried to protect her, since the day I made that stupid goddamn pinky swear. I made sure she was always happy, always taken care of, by eliminating anything that would cause her pain...but I forgot to protect her from myself.

My lungs seized in my chest, and my throat closed. A choked sound came from my throat, as I held my head in my hands, feeling the burn in the back of my eyes.

“You’re the best unplanned thing that has ever happened to me, Maddox. Ever. And I can’t lose you. But you’re doing everything to push… me away from you,” she whispered, her sweet voice breaking at the end. “You’ve been telling lies, keeping secrets from me. Since when have you started lying to me, Maddox?”

My head snapped up at her words, but I didn’t have an answer. I fucking wished I did.

Lies, no matter how big or small, were the quickest way to ruin something beautiful – us.

Lies and secrets…

Everything I’d ever done, every decision I ever made, was to protect Lila.

But no band-aids would ever be enough to stop the open, festering wounds I’d left behind.

“I’m sorry,” I choked.

The torment on her face decimated me. “Is that all you have to say?”

My vision blurred – fuck – I had to remind myself not to lose my shit. My emotions were in turmoil, and I fought to keep myself sane. “I’m sorry.”

A lone tear slid down her cheek. “They said you were trouble. I didn't listen. I took a chance on you. And now I regret it.”

“Don’t leave me.” My hoarse voice cracked. “Please.”

Lila took a step back. My wounded heart lurched, and bile crawled up the back of my throat, bitter and acidic, at the thought of losing her.

“Lila,” I breathed her name. “Please.”

She slowly shook her head, another silent tear, leaving a wet trail on her cheek. “Maddox.” She looked pained, and her lips wobbled. “You broke your promises.”

And now she was breaking hers.

Her feet took her another step back.

“No,” I pleaded. “Lila, no.”

My voice caught in my throat, as she turned and walked away, taking my bleeding heart in the palm of her hand and leaving me… lifeless.

I sank to my knees, unable to stop myself, choking on the heavy taste of bitterness on my tongue. This couldn’t be the end… it couldn’t.

The door closed, even as I called out her name. Pathetically. Because for her… I was a fucking weak man.

For her.

For only her. My Lila.

Love makes you weak.

Love destroys lives.

Love ruined us.

She left. The one thing she promised not to do… She vowed to never leave me, to never leave my side… but there she was. Walking away.

My Lila left, as the pain piercing through my chest became more than unbearable.

All my truths, all my lies collided together – my future with Lila was now cracked open, shattered and bleeding, as I knelt in the wreckage of it all.

Once again…alone.

Once again… lost.

She lied, too.

She broke her promises, too.

You won’t lose me, ever.

Pinky promise?

Pinky promise.

All the promises we made to each other, in the end… none of it mattered.

In the end, we lost our way, and our happy ending faded away.