I Dare You by Lylah James

It is said that pain comes in waves. Whether it’s emotional or physical.

The first wave hits you unexpectedly. It’s usually the most dangerous, the harshest wave.

The second wave, you’re ready for it, but it still hurts.

By the third wave, you’ve grown accustomed to it. The pain starts to take shape, to build up inside of you. Under your skin, inside your flesh, buried in your bones, deep in the marrow of you.

And slowly, your body grows numb.

Your mind goes numb.

You live with the pain; it becomes part of you.

The wave came and went. The pain stayed, with an angry stubbornness. The wound festered, oozing puss. The agony grew.

I drowned. I floated. I sunk to the bottom.

My mom always told me to honor the anger, to give pain the space it needed to breathe, to never run away from my emotions… to live and breathe it. This is how you learn to let go, she’d tell me.

But I didn’t know how to let go of the fury coursing inside of me, of the pain that chased me every waking hour and into my nightmares.

A dull throb spread across and around my scars, and I rubbed my chest, trying to alleviate the heavy pressure.

“Lila, you have to eat something.” Riley pushed the plate of pasta in front of me. “Just a few bites.”

The smell of the pasta had bile rising in my throat, and I choked on the sourness. My stomach churned with nausea. Maddox loved pasta. Actually, he loved the pasta I made, and I’d always make it for him, whenever he was feeling down.

I pushed the plate away and stood up. “I’m not hungry.”

“You barely ate anything in the last few days! You’ve already lost weight, babe. Just a few bites, at least,” she tried to reason with me. “You’re going to make yourself sick.”

Riley didn’t understand; she couldn’t. I didn’t want to eat, drink… or sleep.

I just wanted to fade away, to cease to exist.

The gala was four days ago. My world fell apart four days ago, and I still haven’t accepted that fact. How? Why? WHY? I wanted to scream at him.

But I refused to see him, to look into his beautiful face and let him hold me. To feed me his sorry excuses. I knew I’d let him win. I knew I was weak for Maddox.

He’d tell me he was sorry… and I was going to forgive him. He had that kind of power over me, and he proved to be my downfall.

Maddox Coulter was my damnation.

He was a mistake I shouldn’t have made four years ago. I should have never asked him to make that first pinky promise. It was the beginning of the end, as far as I was concerned. That was my mistake. That stupid pinky promise.

Friends?

Friends.

My phone rang, for the fifth time, in the last ten minutes. I glanced at it, even though I already knew who it was going to be. He had been calling me every day.

But today, he seemed especially persistent.

Maddox’s name flashed on the screen, as the call went to voicemail. With an angry wail that sounded like a broken record to my own ears, I tossed the phone at the wall. It bounced and slammed onto the floor, the screen cracking and going black.

The call ended.

The wave came again. It crashed into me, and even though my body had long grown numb to me, it still… hurt. I still drowned, gasping for air, gasping to stay alive.

Riley let out a soft sigh. “You have to talk to him. Just once, Lila. Not for his sake. But for your own. You’re hurting, and you need closure.”

“I don’t want anything from him,” I spat. “There’s no better closure than not seeing his face or hearing his voice.”

Riley walked to where my broken phone laid. She picked it up and handed it to me. “How is this closure?” she asked softly.

My fingers brushed over the fractured screen, and my skin caught on one of the cracks. A tiny prick: a sharp sting, like a paper cut. Blood gathered around the littlest cut. Bleeding.

I fisted my hand, hiding the wound. Oh, how ironic.

Riley grasped my wrist and slowly uncurled my fingers. Her gentle touch skimmed over the cut. “This is not closure, Lila.”

My heart stuttered, and I blinked back the tears. “I can’t hate him. I tried, and I can’t. But I also don’t want to forgive him. I can’t forgive him.”

Maddox’s betrayal cut deep, so deep… there was no way for me to reach it and wrap a bandage on it. I couldn’t stop the bleeding, couldn’t stop the wound festering into something nastier, something more agonizing.

How does a wound heal when it can’t be bandaged or stitched?

The answer was… it can’t.

I flinched, as the silence suddenly filled with Riley’s ringtone. She padded away to it and then grimaced. “It’s Maddox.”

I turned and walked away. Back into my room. My sanctuary.

Curling into my bed and sinking into my soft mattress, I tucked my blankets around me. A safe cocoon. Not safer than Maddox’s arm… but at least, my bed wasn’t the reason for my suffering.

My eyes closed, and I had to remind myself to breathe.

The sound of crushing glass filled my ears. The echo so loud, it was deafening. My world tilted, swayed and turned over. My head slammed into something, and I remembered feeling like it would explode.

The distinct sound of cracking bones came next.

Then my screams. My parents’.

Pain came next.

Darkness soon followed.

The buzzing sound in my ears didn’t stop, and my lips parted to speak, but I couldn’t. My voice was gone. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t.

The taste of coppery blood pooled in my mouth; it tasted bitter, and I could feel it soaking my tongue and the inside of my mouth. Blood…

I remembered…

The blood. So much blood. I remembered the feeling of death.

I remembered passing out and waking up again, in the same position, with the same agony coursing through my body.

I sucked in cramped air and tried to scream, tried to breathe, but my lungs refused to work.

“Lila? Lila!” Someone was calling out my name and shaking me awake.

My eyes popped open, and I let out a gasp, feeling the oxygen burn my lungs, as I took in a deep breath. The nightmares faded away, but the echoes of my screams still lingered.

Riley came into my line of vision, and she looked worried, her brow creased with tension, and her lips were pressed into a thin line.

“What is it?” I sat up, keeping my blankets around my shoulders.

“It’s Maddox.”

I frowned and hissed, grinding my molars. My jaw tightened. “I don’t care.”

Riley shook her head. “The stairs are blocked. Out of service. Maintenance is working on them right now.”

My heart dropped. No, please. Oh God, no.

“Maddox needs to take the elevator,” Riley said softly.

I remembered the time when Maddox and I were locked in the closet, back when we went to Berkshire Academy.

That was the first time I witnessed his mask fall apart. The first time I saw that Maddox had many layers, many cracks in his soul. He was a king with a crooked crown.

I shouldn’t have cared… I really shouldn’t have…

But I was out of bed before I thought it through. I ran out of my apartment before I could stop myself. My brain argued with me, telling me that he didn’t deserve my help.

My heart screamed and called out to Maddox. I belatedly realized the repercussions of my actions… what it meant for me to run to him when he was in such a vulnerable state. I realized the fallout could be worse than the original pain I went through, when I realized Maddox’s betrayal.

If I went to him now… if I let myself feel for him now…

But it was too late. I was already in the elevator before I could overthink.

He needed me.

He needed me.

He needed me.

It happened in slow motion. I took the elevator down to the lobby and found him there. Pacing the length of it. His body was tensed and locked tight. His fingers tugging on his hair, like a mad man. He let out a small sound in the back of his throat, an angry growl, as he began to hit the side of his skull. “Fuck, fuck… FUCK!”

He crumbled before me.

“Maddox,” I said his name, before I realized what I was doing.

His head snapped up, and he stared at me, blue eyes so raw, so deep… deep as the ocean that I could easily drown in them and I… did. Drowned and sunk to the bottom.

His face contorted in pain. I wasn’t wearing any life jacket when he caught me in his powerful, violent tides and pulled me below the surface, dragging me into the deep end.

“Lila,” Maddox said hoarsely. He looked at me, as if I was his saving grace, his lifeline.

His chest rattled with ragged breaths, and I could see the panic setting in. “The elevator,” he croaked.

The look he gave me, it eviscerated my heart. Destroyed my already broken heart, further fracturing it into little pieces that could not be glued together again.

I walked to him, stepping a hairsbreadth away from his shaking form. “The…elevator… I can’t… Lila.” His deep, broken timbre vibrated through my bones and slid down my spine. I trembled, feeling his pain as if it were my own.

“Do you trust me?” I asked, grasping his hand in mine.

Maddox laced our fingers together, holding on tightly. So tight I almost lost the feeling in my hand.

Moving onto my tiptoes, I brought our faces closer. “Do you trust me?”

Maddox gave me a heartbroken nod. His eyes flashed with darkness and fear.

He trusted me.

Like I had trusted him.

The only difference between us was that I didn’t, and would never, betray his trust.

I thought Maddox and I were alike. He’d never hurt me, just like I’d never hurt him. Not willingly. Not intentionally.

It turned out… I was wrong.

Wrong about Maddox. Wrong about us.

“Hold my hand,” I told him. He did, grasping my hand like he was afraid I’d let go. “Trust me.”

It took me a few seconds to register what was happening, to realize what I was about to do. But it was too late. I didn’t pause to think.

He needs me.

My lips met his, as I pushed the button on the elevator. It pinged open, and I tugged Maddox toward me, curling my arms around his neck, as I dragged us backward into the elevator.

The moment my lips met his, Maddox went rigid. His wide shoulders stiffened, and his neck corded with tension. He groaned into the kiss – a groan of pain, fear… shock… and so much anguish.

“Lila,” Maddox whispered against my lips, his voice gritty with emotions.

“Kiss me.” I pulled his attention back to me, when he started to understand what was happening and where he was. In the elevator. A choked gasp echoed on his full lips, and he started pulling away from me, his eyes wide with terror.

“Kiss me,” I breathed. My lips parted, and I traced the seams of his lips with the tip of my tongue.

His breath quickened, and I felt his inner struggle, the pain I knew that plagued his mind. His worst nightmare. The moment he opened for me, I shoved my tongue in his mouth. Maddox grunted against my lips, and his hands went to my ass.

He hoisted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, hooking my ankles behind him. His fingers dug into my ass, and he slammed my back into the elevator wall.

It’s okay, I got you. Feel me.

Our kiss was a battle cry, a crazed desperation, so thick I almost cried out as his lips brutalized mine. I inhaled him; yet, he stole the air from my lungs.

He took my soul in the palm of his hand, and I gave him my life.

The kiss consumed us. We lost all sense of time and place.

Maddox pushed both hands into my hair and wrapped his fingers around the long strands. He jerked my head back, kissing me harder.

Kiss. He was greedy. Kiss. I was angry. Kiss. He wasdesperate. Kiss. I had been ravenous. Kiss. Brutal. Kiss. Frantic.

I hate you, I exhaled into the kiss.

Maddox groaned, and he clutched the back of my neck, his fingers flexing, as he gripped me hard. I don’t hate you, I breathed into his lips.

Feel me, he said.

My heart beat savagely against my rib cage. The elevator pinged, and the doors slid open, as we reached our floor. Maddox dropped his forehead to mine, and our lips parted. His chest heaved, and he inhaled a ragged breath. My nails dragged across the nape of his neck. “It’s okay. We’re here.”

He took a slow step out of the elevator with me still wrapped around him. Maddox turned his back to the wall, as the doors slid closed once again. His knees weakened, and he slid to the ground. I was practically straddling him, as we sat in the empty hallway of the third floor.

His demons had been silenced.

Mine were still wide awake.

“Lila,” he rasped. “Fuck, baby.”

I wrenched away from him and stood on shaky legs. “Don’t. I was only helping.”

My lips tingled, and my skin turned cold, already missing his touch. My lungs squeezed and burned, as I silently gasped for air.

“Why?” Maddox kept his gaze on me. “Why did you help?”

“Because I had to,” I said through clenched teeth, “because even though I can’t stand to look at you, it was the right thing to do.”

Maddox got to his feet, his jaw hardening. “Why?”

My fists clenched at my sides. “I pitied you. That’s why.”

His face clouded over, and I knew I hit the mark. Maddox Coulter hated to be pitied.

“Your sympathy is misplaced,” he snarled, taking a threatening step toward me. “Do you why I did it? Why I kept that fucking secret? Because. I. Wanted. To. Protect. You. Because I didn’t want you to relive your past.”

He continued advancing toward me, forcing me to step back. “I wasn’t protecting Christian like you seem to think. In fact, I want nothing more than to throw him behind bars and watch him rot in fucking hell. He. Is. Nothing. To. Me. Except the person who hurt you.” He thumped his fist over his chest. “My Lila. He hurt you, and I want to hurt him.”

My hands shook, and my core trembled. The lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger, forcing me to choke on it.

Maddox grasped my elbow and tugged me to him. I fell against his chest, and he lowered his head, practically snarling into my face. “You are my everything, and the last thing I wanted to do was betray you. But I had to, Lila. I had to, so I could protect you.”

I slammed my fist into his chest and pushed away from him. Stop, I silently begged. Just… stop.

He didn’t stop. “Remember what you said to me the first time we visited your parents?” he asked, but didn’t wait for me to answer. “You told me that you hated me before, because I was a reminder of the boy who ruined you and stole your life from you.”

Yes, I did say that.

I did hate him because the ‘Maddox Coulter,’ I met four years ago, reminded me too much of Christian.

“Tell me, Lila,” he growled, his voice strained. His gaze flitted back and forth, searching my face. “How could I tell you the truth? How fucking could I? The person who killed your parents was the same boy I grew up with. You would have looked at me the same way you’re looking at me now.”

It was a sick twist of truth and our reality. Everything he was saying made sense. But I couldn’t accept it. I needed a reason to blame him, to hate him.

“Stop,” I said, my voice shaking. Tremors ran down my body, and I felt so… cold.

Maddox manhandled me. He grasped my jaw and forced me look at him, into his manic eyes. “Why did you help me, Lila?”

Shut up. Please.

His fingers dug into my cheeks. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t gentle either. “Why?” He breathed; his lips so close to mine.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

My heart stuttered. I felt dizzied…as realization dawned on me.

I stumbled back, away from him. My gut twisted, a fiery inferno from deep within me.

His arms fell to his sides, and he squeezed his eyes shut against my rejection. His lips parted, and he whispered my name… but I was already running away. From him.

From my truth.

From our reality.

From… everything.

I ran into my apartment and slammed the door closed behind me, sinking to the hardwood floor. A loud, choked sob spilled past my lips.

I felt Maddox, on the other side. He didn’t knock… but I felt him. Standing there, right outside the door. Slapping my hand over my mouth, I muffled the broken sounds that were spilling from my throat.

Kismet was a demented bitch.

Funny how, four years ago, I loathed Maddox…and would have hated him, if I found out about his connection with Christian.

And now that I knew the truth… I still loved him with every fiber of my being.

I loved him hard.

I loved him without restraint.

I loved him, as much as I hated Christian.

Maddox Coulter.

My best friend.

My lover.

My protector.

My downfall.