The Mafia and His Obsession, Part 2 by Lylah James

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 33

 

 

Valerie

 

Everyone was cuddled close to the door, waiting. Silently, scared and so impatient. The air was filled with a sense of fear while still buzzing with excitement. I could tell this had been the long-awaited moment for everyone.

I looked around the now familiar faces. Viktor brought me to the Ivanshov’s home almost two weeks ago. I had thought after leaving Solonik’s estate, I would be able to start a new life. Away from fear and pain. Away from my past.

Yet…I was still haunted by memories that were slowly strangling the life out of me. I wanted to say it got easier over the days, but every time I’d close my eyes, Irina was all I could see. Her face, her tears…shaking and bleeding as she slid onto the floor in submission. Awaiting her fate.

It was the last image of her I had ingrained in my head.

The last memory of my only friend.

I never wanted to forget.

A memory could last a lifetime. The past could mock you till your last breath. Together, they were a burden you carried to your grave.

I felt a warmth spreading through my palm, to my fingertips. Looking down, I saw that Viktor had our hands entwined together. He’d been doing that a lot. Holding on to me as if he were scared I’d disappeared. Always finding a reason to touch me when I was in his vicinity. Never letting me out of his sight for too long. I could always feel his gaze burning into my back when I was with the girls. He’d find me, hide in the shadows, and watch me. My silent stalker.

My head lifted up to stare at the man beside me. He was tall, strong, hardened by the life bestowed upon him. My Viktor. The man I loved from the bottomless pit of my soul.

Sometimes, I’d catch the look in his eyes. A pained look, filled with dread. He thought I hated him. He thought I was angry.

I hadn’t spoken much. Yes, I met the rest of the family. Maybe we even bonded. But everything was still a blur to me. A fog had settled over my eyes, and I was walking through life in a daze.

It was hurting Viktor. And seeing him so lost…it hurt me more. It was a never-ending cycle.

I just didn’t know how to break free…I didn’t know…how.

A sudden cry startled me out of my thoughts. A loud, angry, strong cry. Viktor released a shuddering breath from beside me. The others cheered. My eyes stung and then I felt wetness dripping down my cheeks, a trail of tears. Of happiness. And a deeply etched longing.

Viktor brought our laced hands up and he kissed the back of my knuckles so softly his lips barely whispered over my skin. With his other hand, he swiped my tears away. My heart clenched in a good way. To see a man like him, harsh and unyielding, capable of doing something so gentle—it made my heart ache. “Okay?”

I nodded. Viktor’s fingers caressed my cheek before he touched my right ear. “Is it hurting you?”

“No. It’s okay. I am getting used to it now.” My fingers brushed the little piece in my ear as I spoke. Hearing aids.

I got them three days ago. I remembered the time when I had wished to hear Viktor’s voice. It was always a burning ache in my chest, knowing there was no possibility of it. But he made my dreams come true.

I was completely deaf from my left ear. I could go under the knife, maybe have a surgery done, the doctor said, but it was not guaranteed. I only had about fifteen percent of success. My right ear, though—if I used hearing aids, then it wasn’t totally useless.

“Good,” Viktor muttered. He leaned down to quickly capture my mouth in a chaste kiss. My lips tingled when he pulled away. “I don’t like the thought of you hurting, myshka.”

My heart halted and then quickened in pace. Thump. Beat. Warmth burst inside my chest, and my body involuntarily seemed to lean more into Viktor.

I remembered the first time I got the hearing aids, the first time I heard his voice.

 

My breathing quickened, and all I could do was stare at Viktor. I was struck mute once again as I waited for him to speak…to say something…to grace me with his voice.

My stomach tightened and my hands began to shake, my palms also sweating.

I didn’t dare speak.

No.

I couldn’t.

I wanted to hear his voice first.

I wanted to feel his voice first.

Viktor knelt in front of me, and he pushed my thighs apart so he could settle between them. His body crowded my space, filling my nose with his unique scent. His shoulders were straight, his chest wide and heaving with each breath he took. He was nervous, like me. Scared, like me.

I gripped his hands in mine and waited…waited…and waited.

He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He inhaled. I exhaled. I inhaled. He exhaled. It was almost a dance.

His lips parted, his hand tightened around mine. His dark eyes were intense and glazed. “Valerie…”

Oh God.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I heard a choked sound. It came from me. The tears came down faster, wetting my cheeks.

“Valerie…I love you.”

I couldn’t breathe. I really…couldn’t breathe.

His voice, oh God—his voice—so deep and rich. Rough, but a hint of softness when he spoke to me.

His voice—it was the definition of divinity. It was soothing to my ears. His voice, the music to my soul, his words the lyrics…and Viktor himself, he was a song. My beautiful song. Tainted from life, filled with darkness—but so beautiful nonetheless. A song of pain and love.

“Viktor,” I said through a clogged throat, my voice was barely a whisper. But I heard it. My voice. His voice.

I could hear.

There was another choked sound. This time I wasn’t sure if it came from me or Viktor. My body shook and I slid to the ground, sobbing now.

“Say something…else. Don’t stop talking…please.”

Viktor pulled me onto his lap, and I ran my fingers through his wild hair, feeling the softness. He buried his face into my neck and he started speaking.

It was in that moment that I realized…I never wanted to stop listening to him.

His voice was a balm to my wounds.

And damn it all to hell, I loved his man more than anything. I loved him more than life, more than my next breath.

I love you, I wanted to say back. I love you so much.

But I couldn’t say the words. So I let him speak, for me, for us.

He talked. I listened.

It was magical—my little fairy-tale.

 

“It’s a boy.” A giddy cry came through. I watched as Maddie walked out of the room, holding a bundle in her arms. Everyone was smiling, laughing…so happy. A joyous moment, truly.

Viktor chuckled beside me. “The next King…” he whispered. They surrounded the baby, and Viktor pulled me forward too. His little red face was small, his cheeks round and chubby. His lips were pursed almost angrily, as if he were trying to hold in a cry. His tiny hands were balled into fists.

“He is grumpy,” I muttered, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles. So soft. He was the most beautiful thing I’d laid eyes on.

“He is Alessio’s son, after all,” Maddie replied. Her smile lit up her whole face, her brown eyes dancing with unshed, happy tears.

The little one made a tiny hiccup sound, drawing my attention back to him. Gosh. He had to be the cutest thing ever.

We all piled into the room as Maddie brought the baby back to his parents. Ayla was settled back against the pillows, looking completely exhausted, but her face was glowing nonetheless. Alessio was beside her, rubbing a cool cloth over her forehead. He hadn’t left her side, not even once, during her long hours of labour.

Maddie handed the baby back to his mother. Ayla brought her precious bundle closer to her chest. Envy sliced through me before I quickly squashed it down. “Do you guys want to know his name?” she asked tiredly.

“That’s what we’re all waiting for,” Phoenix replied. “Dying of suspense here.”

Ayla and Alessio looked at each other, smiling. For a brief moment, it seemed that the world disappeared for them. They drowned in each other, and nothing else mattered. It was beautiful to watch. Them being so in love.

“Xander Alessio Ivanshov.”

Beautiful.

“It means to defend,” I whispered. “A protector.”

Ayla nodded, a smile splitting her lips and her whole face lighting up like the stars under the dark sky.

“A strong name, indeed,” another voice joined. Lyov Ivanshov.

“It’s perfect for a future King.” That was from Isaak, Viktor’s father.

“I love it!” Maddie agreed. She looked like she wanted to steal the baby out of Ayla’s grasp once again. Her excitement was undeniable.

One by one, the last two weeks, I met the rest of the family. Over dinners, we’d talk here and there. It was easy to feel comfortable with them when they were so welcoming. Especially Ayla, Maddie, and Lena. I wasn’t left alone much. Little Maila stole my heart too.

I looked around the room, full of people congratulating the new parents. They were all here. This was a family. I knew most of them were not blood related, but their bond made them a family.

Tears stung my eyes, and Viktor’s hold tightened on my hand.

I was part of this family…

I belonged here. With Viktor. With them. I was loved.

Yet…why did I feel so lost?

My lungs squeezed and my stomach twisted. A feeling of emptiness echoed through my soul.

Why was I so scared to…feel happy?

 

***

 

I felt a presence coming closer to me. Standing still, I refused to acknowledge whoever it was. From the corner of my eye, I saw it was Ayla. She had a silk purple robe on, with baby Xander cuddled to her chest. His eyes were closed as he quietly nursed, his chubby cheeks hollowing as he suckled. He really was the cutest thing ever.

Ayla and I stood together silently, both of us staring into the night. A light breeze encompassed the balcony as we stood outside. Crickets could be heard, the moon shone in the darkened skies, and the stars lit its path. The moon and the stars had the same story. The light to the darkness, while holding cracks of their own. Yet all we’d see was beauty. Our eyes didn’t acknowledge their flaws.

How ironic it was.

“Can’t sleep?” Ayla broke the silence first.

“Not really,” I sighed.

“You can talk to me if you want. You know that.”

My lips pressed together, and I closed my eyes. How…how do I tell her…when I didn’t know what I was feeling myself?

I wanted to say I was okay…but I wasn’t.

I was happy…but I also wasn’t.

The mix of emotions boiled inside of me, and I feared it’d spill over and burn everyone in its path.

How could I explain it, how could I explain what I didn’t even know myself…the inexplicable? Rubbing my closed eyes, I tried to suppress the groan of frustration.

“You’re hurting. Viktor is hurting,” Ayla whispered.

My eyes snapped open, and I faced her. The breeze blew a little harder, messing our hair. I tucked my wild tresses behind my ears. “He spoke with you?”

Ayla shook her head, slightly bouncing baby Xander in her arms at the same time. “No. He doesn’t have to. I can see it on his face.”

I sucked at my bottom lip and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You know him a lot.” I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but there was a hard edge in my voice. Even I heard it. Ayla did too.

Nobody spoke to the Queen in that tone. Not even if it wasn’t intentional.

But Ayla didn’t indulge in it. “I know him, yes. But I also know pain when I see it. Right now, it’s reflecting in your eyes. The same look I see in his.”

“You don’t understand…”

“Don’t I?” Ayla said softly. “I think I understand very well. I know how hard it is to leave the past behind. I know how hard it is to let go, to move on, to heal…”

I wrapped my fingers around the railing of the balcony. My hold tightened until my knuckles turned white and numb. “Viktor told us what happened. Back in Russia, when you two were escaping. He told us about Erik and your…friend.”

I sucked in a hard breath and released a shuddering exhale. God. It hurt. It hurt so…so much. My lungs were burning, and I had to bite on my lips to keep from sobbing out.

“Irina…was my…only friend.” My voice cracked over each word, and the unshed tears stung my eyes even more. I blinked, trying to clear my blurred vision, but the salty droplets ended up on my cheeks instead, causing a wet, lonely trail.

“I know,” Ayla responded, her voice filled with sympathy. “It’s hard to lose the ones you love deeply.”

“Have you…ever lost someone?”

Ayla’s arm instinctively clenched around her son, and her eyes darkened. Baby Xander let out a muffled sound and then started twisting in his mother’s arms, almost agitatedly. “Shh…” Ayla started moving her arms a little, until her baby quieted down once again.

“I haven’t lost someone like you, no. And I thank God every day for that. But Valerie, there was a time when I lost myself. I fell deep into the cracks of a dark hole. My path isn’t flowery. My past wasn’t filled with love. I had nothing but pain and fear before I met Alessio.”

“I didn’t know…” I started and then drifted off, not exactly sure what to say.

Her green eyes seemed to twinkle under the light of the moon. “It’s not something I usually like to talk about.”

When I fell silent, Ayla pushed forward. “You feel confused, don’t you? If you should be happy, if you can be happy…”

My heart plummeted into the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I cried quietly, this time allowing my silent tears to flow.

“You feel guilt,” she continued.

My head started to throb, and the ache in my chest wouldn’t ease. It just…wouldn’t stop. Damn it! I wanted to scream, but I could only hold on to my chest, feeling the thumping of my cracked heart.

“You are punishing both Viktor and yourself because you’re scared of being happy.”

Her words hurt my ears, and I swore I felt the inside of me tear up and I bled. Agony sliced through it and it blinded me.

“She deserves this…” I cried out. “What I have, right now…this. A family. Love. Happiness…Irina deserved all…of this!”

My throat closed, and I fought to breathe through the tears. “But she can’t have that now. She…can’t and I am here, living. How can I be happy when Irina won’t be able to have that now?”

I rubbed my eyes and swiped at my cheeks angrily. I looked at the pitch-black sky and fought the urge to scream. “I feel…guilty. To be happy. Every time I find a reason to smile, I feel an ache in my chest.”

“Guilt is the greatest demon to bear and the heaviest burden,” Ayla said when I couldn’t find it in me to continue speaking. Ugly wretched sobs spilled past my lips, and I held onto the railings harder. My palm started to sweat, my wrist and fingers aching under the pressure I was putting myself in.

“It strangles you. It can suffocate you. But Valerie, you will never heal until you accept the past and let go.”

“I can’t…forget her.”

“No. I am not telling you to forget her. I am telling you accept what has happened and stop blaming yourself and Viktor. You are being cruel to your own sanity and Viktor’s.”

I bit on my lips harder and brought my fist to my mouth, holding it there as if I could hold in my choked sobs. “I’m not angry at him,” I murmured.

“No? He thinks otherwise. Sometimes, he feels as if you hate him. It’s eating him from the inside—seeing you like this. Right now, you are lost. And so is he.”

I shook my head vengefully, hiccuping back another sob. “No! I don’t…hate him. Never. I can’t hate him…I’m not angry at him. Not…anymore.”

My words became stuck in my throat. I knew why he did what he did. I understood him.

I knew it was close to impossible to get out of that estate alive if we had taken Irina with us. I knew that. Viktor could only save one of us…I knew that. I did see it from his side. I knew of the sacrifices he made. Yet I still couldn’t let go of this…fear and the guilt etched deep inside me.

“I have lost so much…”

Ayla wrapped an arm around my waist until we were cuddling closer. Her warmth seeped into my chilled bones. “I can’t bear to lose any more.”

Speaking my greatest fear out loud had me trembling until my teeth were chattering. I pressed my lips together and clenched my jaw, swallowing back another helpless cry.

“You are not going to lose Viktor. And you won’t lose us either,” she vowed, her voice so gentle yet so firm. “Let yourself heal, Valerie. Go to Viktor. Please. Help each other heal. The wounds won’t stop bleeding until you bandage it. It needs care and love.”

She pulled away slightly, only to reach up and swipe my tears away. “I’d like to think that Irina is in a better place now. She is free. Let her go, so you can be happy too. So you can breathe. She wouldn’t want you like this, right? Sad, alone, and lost to the world?”

I shook my head. “She’d be angry…”

“Exactly.” Ayla’s eyes were filled with tears too, and she gave me the sweetest smile. Warmth spread through me as if Ayla had chased away the cold. How was it possible for her to do that? She patted my cheek. “Go to Viktor. You both need each other right now.”

“Do you think he is mad…at me…for behaving how I have?”

Ayla let out a small laugh. “No. If he’s mad at something, it’s himself. He needs you, so he can release the burden he is carrying. As much as you need him.”

Oh God. I have been so foolish. So scared… so lost in my own thoughts, in my own memories, I forgot to stop and look at the man I loved. Really, truly looked at him to see how much he was hurting.

My throat felt constricted when I spoke the words. “Thank you.”

Ayla waved a hand in the air as it were nothing of a big deal. “I did and said what I felt was right. You are family now. We take care of our own.”

I left her and Xander standing there and ran back inside. My head hit something solid and warm, and I lifted my head up, only to stare into a pool of intense blue eyes. They grew a shade darker as they stared behind me.

“Angel,” a growl escaped past his lips. Alessio Ivanshov had always been intimidating, and right now, he looked powerful and a lot scary. “What are you doing out of bed and outside? I leave you for one fucking minute and you—”

I peeked over my shoulders to see if Ayla was in trouble with her husband, but she was only smiling. She sashayed over to us, patted her husband on the butt, and then winked. “Alessio, you are scaring the poor girl. Let’s go back to our room and you can scold me more.”

My mouth dropped open as I watched her walking away, Alessio letting out a string of curses under his breath as he followed behind her.

Ayla had just so easily handled the…The Alessio Ivanshov.