Now Or Never by Stella Rhys

26

HOLLAND

The streets werequiet by 1AM. Never totally quiet, especially in the East Village, but quiet enough to match my mood, which was calm.

Exhausted, but calm.

And better.

Taking a deep breath, I took the crinkled bus ticket out of my pocket and tossed it into a trash can on the corner. Total waste of money, I thought. One I couldn’t be more grateful for.

I hadn’t gone back to Jersey.

I’d realized what a bad idea it was within pretty much two blocks of leaving my office. I still went to Port Authority, and I still bought the ticket, but I’d wound up just sitting with it for forty minutes before walking back out onto Eighth Avenue. I had just needed some time to quiet my brain, to remember what I had staunchly promised myself when I first moved out.

Which was to let my wound breathe.

I was better, happier than I’d ever been before. But just because I was strong enough to withstand Mom’s abuse now didn’t mean I should go ahead and let her hurt me. The healing process was going to take longer, leave a bigger scar if I kept letting someone scratch at my wound.

So instead of hopping a bus to do damage control for Mom, I spent the day taking care of me.

Like an emergency me day. Nothing I’d never handled before. It just took time. And energy.

And walking, apparently.

I’d been so focused on my own thoughts, gotten so lost in my own head all day that I hadn’t even realized how much I’d walked around Manhattan till I looked at my steps in my phone and saw a five-digit number that seemed completely absurd.

But it certainly explained why my legs were so sore, and why I could think about nothing right now but getting out of the clothes I’d been wearing since 8AM, changing into my softest T-shirt, and collapsing onto my bed.

As I rounded the corner of my street, I finally turned on my phone, lifting my eyebrows as much as I could in my tired state at all the texts I had missed. Most from Dad, many from Adam, several from A.J, and some from Mia.

My eyes gravitated to Mia’s.

She was the only one who didn’t know about my total clusterfuck of a day, and since I didn’t feel like talking about it anymore, I skipped everyone else’s texts and went straight to hers.

And as soon as my tired eyes read them, my eyebrows jumped halfway up my forehead.

MIA:Uhhhh

MIA:Mr. Ass just came here looking for you???!?

I stopped and stared in the middle of the sidewalk, whispering, “What?” before dragging my thumb to see the timestamp on the texts. 8:17PM.

Nearly five hours ago.

My eyes were still wide, unblinking, but with the current hour fresh in my mind, I kept walking to my apartment, my eyes glued to my screen as I read Mia’s last rambling texts.

MIA: He asked where he might find you and he looked so fucking hot and he seemed so desperate to know so I just told him all the places I’ve heard you talk about before and I highly doubt you’re there right now but I don’t know I just said it because he was being very firm with me and honestly a little bit scary

MIA:Like in a way that makes me super horny but anyway I think I might’ve sent him on a wild goose chase through Manhattan and parts of Brooklyn oops CALL ME when you get this please!

I stared, covering my inward laugh of shock as I immediately went to my recents to call Mia back. But as soon as I lifted my head to put the phone on my ear, my hand dropped from my mouth, my heart stopped and I froze.

Chills erupted all over my skin as our eyes locked. And for a moment, I could only stare, convinced I was dreaming.

Because standing still as a statue in front of my apartment was Iain.

Hands in his pockets. Tie loosened.

Just watching me.

“Oh, thank God—Holland?” Mia answered the phone suddenly, making me blink. But it took her saying my name a few more times before I spoke.

“Hey. Sorry, I’m home and safe. But let me call you back.”

I didn’t take my eyes off Iain as I hung up, letting my feet float me over to him till I was stopped just a foot from him. His gait was his usual strong and authoritative, but I was close enough now to see the softness and the unfiltered worry in his searching eyes. They looked silver under the light of the moon, and he was so stunning I had to stare for a little longer before I could speak.

“What are you doing here?” I finally asked, my words barely above a whisper.

He stood so still, but his throat moved as he swallowed, and though his stare glinted with intensity, his voice was soft when he spoke.

“I heard about your mom,” he replied. There was a beat of silence as his jaw ticked. “Did she show up?”

“No,” I said slowly, taking a second to process just how many of the details he knew. Probably all of them. Thanks to Adam. “I think she was bluffing. About having my address.”

Iain nodded, processing my words with what looked like relief. But the hard look in his eyes didn’t relent as he said, “You should’ve told me, Holland.”

“Told you what?”

“That she called. That you were afraid. Or stressed.”

I blinked, just studying him for a little. “Why would I tell you that?” I asked honestly, my voice soft.

A bicycle hummed by, and chatter echoed in the distance as the silence stretched between us for what felt like a longer-than-normal two seconds.

“Because I care about you,” Iain finally said. He paused, wetting his bottom lip. “Because I’ve always cared about you, Holland. From the beginning. You know that.”

I swallowed, feeling a lurch in my core, but then an involuntary warmth spreading all through my chest.

Because I did know that.

He had been like this with me since day one. Since the day I walked into the garage and saw him and my brother fixing his bike. He had been the one to smile first—to tell Adam to shut up when he told me to get lost.

And from there, he had always noticed me, sensed my feelings when nobody else did. When Iain Thorn was in my life, he was by far the most protective of me, and considering it meant the world to me, I’d obviously always known that.

But it never felt as real as it did now that he’d just acknowledged it too.

Because in certain corners of my brain, I told myself I’d imagined it. That I was just so desperate to be seen by anyone as a kid that I’d latched onto even the tiniest, most basic acts of kindness. Considering he was older, brilliant, and so fucking beautiful, it was easy to convince myself that I wasn’t actually special to Iain.

But with that simple assertion just now, he’d put to rest all those instances of doubt.

From years ago.

From this morning.

Well, this unravels some of today’s progress, I thought a bit wryly since I’d just spent a good part of the day telling myself to pump the brakes on Iain. To just take a step back and take care of myself.

But I already felt much better if exhausted after a day of dealing with Mom. Talking myself out of going to Jersey. Getting the courage to block her number and tell Dad it could be temporary depending on her behavior. On her respect for my boundaries. She had been my main obstacle, and it probably, no definitely wasn’t fair to conflate her voicemail today with Iain’s text.

Plus, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t currently happy that he was here.

That he’d been here.

Waiting for me in front of my apartment for who knows how long.

“I heard you went to find me at the bar,” I said, cracking a smile that he mirrored just enough to make me melt.

“Yeah.”

“Well… I don’t know what places Mia rattled off to you, but I definitely wasn’t there, so I sincerely hope you didn’t go.”

He nodded and drew in a breath. “Then let’s just say I didn’t.”

I broke out in a laugh. “Oh God, where did you go today?”

“I was going to ask you the same.”

I bit back my smile, letting my eyes linger on him for a second.

I just had to soak in the moment for a bit. The quiet of the night. The fact that he was here.

The way that he was looking at me.

Like he’d spent all day thinking about me.

“Well, it’s kind of a long story and I really need to get into my apartment to wind down from this day,” I said, peering up at my window and taking the first step up the stairs. When I looked back at him, I was nearly his height, and I had a smile on my lips because I already knew his answer to my question. “Do you want to come up?”

“Yes,” he said so immediately I laughed.

“Okay, but for the record, we’re not having sex tonight.”

“That’s fine. I was going to say the same anyway.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Wait, what? Why?”

It was his turn to laugh at me. “Because I don’t want you thinking I came over tonight for any reason besides the real one,” he said earnestly.

“Which is?”

“That I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he answered easily. Then his brow furrowed. “I needed to.”

It was all I needed to hear.

And so we went upstairs.

* * *

So this is really happening, I thought, walking in front as we climbed the stairs of my third floor walk-up.

Iain Thorn is here. At your apartment. About to spend the night.

If only you knew, I thought as I turned my key in my door, wishing I could tell teenage me that her fantasies weren’t actually that crazy. That one day, I’d not only have my own place but be in there alone, at night, with my childhood crush. The man who’d first taught me what it was to want.

“Well, here we are,” I said once we got into my apartment, kicking off my shoes and flicking on the lights. I already had a smile on my face because I was curious to see what Iain’s reaction was to my modest but, in my opinion, adorable living quarters.

But when I turned around, I saw that his troubled eyes had yet to move from me. He hadn’t even registered my apartment, because he was still watching me. Like he was still making sure I was okay. I frowned with a pang of guilt as I realized that I was over the events of the day.

But he wasn’t quite there yet.

Stepping forward, I laid my palms flat on Iain’s chest, feeling him exhale, but feeling how tense he still was. “You’re so wound up,” I murmured, feeling so sorry but at the same time amazed as I stared forward at his rock-solid chest then up at him.

“I was worried about you today,” he said as he gazed down at me. But he was breathing easier under the touch of my hands, looking just a little less tense now.

“What were you afraid was going to happen?” I asked, watching his eyebrows pull into that handsome frown.

“I don’t know.” His shoulders were still rigid, but his touch was gentle as he pushed a lock of my hair behind my ears. “But I know your mom,” he said quietly. “She has a paranoid view of the world. She doesn’t perceive reality the way it actually is. And I know what can happen when people like that snap.”

His words made a shiver travel up my spine, because I knew he was right.

And I knew he was talking about his dad.

My heart clenched as I looked up at Iain, because I did know things about that man.

Iain Senior.

I’d overheard a lot of talk when I was younger. Bits and pieces between Mom and Dad when Dad argued for why Iain shouldn’t have to go home for the holidays. Why he should get to spend them with us. Plus, I’d once overheard Adam saying Iain’s dad deserved to rot in hell.

Well. I guess he is now, I thought, feeling bad about it for all of second before I reminded myself of the disgust with which Adam talked about Iain Senior, and it took a lot to get my brother to be angry and serious like that.

“I promise I won’t let her hurt me again, Iain,” I murmured to break the silence. Sliding my hands behind his neck, I massaged a little, smiling wide as he closed his eyes and visibly relaxed in front of me.

Note to self. Massage this man, I thought, realizing that while Iain Thorn was insanely hot when he was mad, he was actually even hotter relaxed.

“I’m really glad you’re okay,” he murmured, eyes still closed, his lips hanging just a bit parted even after he finished talking.

I smirked. “I’m beyond okay. In fact, I think this might be the best day ever.”

Opening his eyes again, he laughed. “Really?”

“Yeah. I mean I blocked my mom’s number today, and I’m about to show my crush my room,” I grinned, nodding toward the hall. “Wanna see?”

He grinned back.

“Let’s do it.”