The Not-Outcast by Tijan

23

Cut

We were asked to do random ‘pop ins’ at The Way Station throughout the season. Management had a deal worked out. We got free catering at events. In exchange, we showed up at the bar every now and then. Never long, but enough to be seen. Enough to have our pictures taken.

Because of that rumor, it was always the place for the hockey fans to go after the home games. And because of that, I was surprised Cheyenne would be here, but I donned a baseball cap and headed inside. After the game we had, I knew there was no hope of getting in there (even through the back) and not get recognized so I wasn’t surprised when the first guy did a double-take after I stepped through the door.

“Whaaaat is happening? That’s Cut Ryder!”

He came forward, shook my hand, asked for a selfie.

He was the first in line.

Five minutes in, and there was a good enough crowd that the night manager came to my side. “Cut.” He shook my hand and leaned in. “We didn’t know you’d be coming tonight, or we could’ve been more on top of that.”

I said, leaning close, “I got a friend here. I’m trying to find her.”

He nodded, clapping my back. “Can we help?”

I gave him the description of Cheyenne, and who her seatmates were, or what I remembered about how they looked, and he headed off. “We’ll find her. We’ll get it set up. You want to stay a bit or head out?”

I had no intention of leaving without Cheyenne, but I also had no faith in her either. “Can stay a bit. Maybe in the back?”

“We’ll get it taken care of. Just wait. I’ll put you upstairs? You want to be seen or total privacy?”

“Privacy would be nice.”

“Got it.” He gave me a nod and a thumbs-up. “Be right back. You keep doing your thing.”

I signed napkins, a few arms, a forehead, a couple hats. Some shirts. A woman wanted me to sign her bra strap. It was a few minutes later when the manager reappeared and tapped my back. He motioned for me to follow him, and we headed through the bar, around to the stairs and up. It was roped off, with a bouncer standing by the side. He was talking to a few women, but gave me a nod as we went past.

Once upstairs, I saw we were totally alone.

“Here you go.” He held his hand out toward one of the back booths. The upstairs was sort of a loft with some tables set near the railing. There was a line of booths behind them, and another row of booths behind those. He indicated the second row. “I’ll send Dee to take care of you guys.”

He headed back down, and I went to the second row.

She was sitting in the farthest corner booth, also the biggest, and I had to smile for a second.

Cheyenne looked up at me. “What?”

I shook my head, sliding in to sit across from her. The table was big enough that I almost could’ve laid out on it. “We could pull another table over to add to this one. Would that make you feel more comfortable?”

Her eyes latched onto mine, staring, and then her mouth twerked. “I just wanted privacy.”

I nodded, glancing around. We could hear the sounds below, but they were muted from how far back we were. “This is definitely that.”

We heard footsteps, and Dee came over. Two napkins were placed in front of us, and she put waters on both. Giving us a professional smile, she never reacted at the space between Cheyenne and myself. “Can I start you off with appetizers?”

I knew Dee. She’d worked at The Way Station for a long time. She was a worker at Bresko’s as well, and she knew I was an investor there.

“Hey, Dee.”

“Heya, Cut. Good game tonight. I caught it on the TV.” But Dee knew if I was sticking around, I didn’t want to chit-chat with her. She turned back to Cheyenne right away. “How about you, sweetie? I talked to your server downstairs. She said it was mostly water for you. Want anything else? Coffee? Or—”

“Coffee. I’ll do coffee.” Cheyenne gave me a little look.

Her meds. She wasn’t drinking because she was on them.

“I’ll just do water. Maybe some lettuce wraps?”

She nodded. “I can do that, but Oscar was mentioning you might want a board he can put together. Healthy snacks for the athletes when they come in.”

“How about both?”

“Will do.” She knocked on the booth. “Give me a holler if you need anything else?”

Once she was gone, I focused back on Cheyenne.

She was looking at me, but looking around at the same time, and she had her hands in her lap. Outward appearance, she seemed fine. Inward feeling, she was skittish as hell. Or that’s what I was getting from her.

“You glad you came to the game tonight?”

Her eyes danced back to mine. She swallowed, reaching for her water. Her hand shook a tiny bit. “Yeah, I’m always glad to be at the games.”

This sucked.

All of it.

I was remembering the first time I saw her. Damn. I had wanted her so bad. I still felt that way, but she was the scared one.

She admitted, “I couldn’t stay away.”

That felt good, though I knew it was more about hockey. Not about me.

But I was going to pretend it was about me.

“You played really well tonight.”

I nodded. “Hockey’s been my outlet in life. No matter what’s going on off the ice, that’s where I’m in control. Some guys, if they’ve got shit going down in their personal lives, they get distracted. Head’s not in the game. Not me. It’s like the ice is the only place that makes sense to me.” I gave her a rueful grin. “But I pushed a little too hard. Got too aggressive, I guess. Coach called me in, asked what the fuck was going on with me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” It hadn’t felt good going through that talk. “I gotta scale shit back a bit.”

She nodded again, and we stared at each other.

I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hold her. Hell. I really wanted to pull her on my lap and have her grind on me. But I did none of that, forcing myself to sit here and stare back at her like we were just friends.

Fuck that. I was jumping back in. “Chad’s fucking your friend again.”

Her hand jerked in reaction, shaking her water a little. “What?”

I grinned. “Or he did that night. And the nights I’ve been home, he hasn’t. He and I got into it before my Seattle game.”

“You did?”

I was trying to read her, but I couldn’t. I had no clue what she thought about that.

I said, “Called me out, that I was avoiding him.”

“Were you?”

I shrugged. “Kinda, but not at the same time. He was gone when I went home, and then I was traveling with the team. I was going to call him from my hotel in Seattle, have it out, but now he’s blocked me.”

Her eyes got so big. “What?”

I laughed. “Chad’s been my boy for a long time. Don’t worry about it. We’ll get through it.”

Her head bent again, and she started running her thumb up and down her glass. She was doing it, not knowing she was doing it, and I was having a hard time not picturing that was my dick.

Christ. I shifted in my seat, knowing I was already hard.

“Did you mean it?”

She looked back up, and I winced, seeing some sadness in those eyes.

I said softly, “That first night at your place when you told me that you used to love me. Did you actually mean it?”

Her lips parted.

I knew I was still in the learning stages of getting to know this girl, but I felt like I already did. I felt it deep in my core. It was the weirdest sensation.

She sighed, her hand falling from her drink. “I thought I did. I mean, yes. I wasn’t… Back then, I had an altered state of mind. I formed a coping mechanism. It sounds weird, but it’s like my brain couldn’t handle everything coming at me, so I was thinking things that weren’t true to help me get through it.”

“But that night when we went to my place? That first night. You felt it then, too?”

She swallowed, her lips flattening for a second. “I… The idea of you became my foundation. You were my goal, but it was a lofty and far-off goal and I never thought it’d happen. I mean, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know that until the next morning when I ran. It just got too real, too fast and I freaked out.”

“But I know now. You told me and I’m still here. I still—fuck! I’ve never had to ask a girl to let me in. Like ever.” Which was sad, in a way. “I don’t know how to handle this. I called you tonight because you were up there, and I couldn’t not call. I tried. I feel like giving your friend a trip to Tahiti.”

And yeah, even saying that to her was a humbling moment here.

I didn’t even know what else to say. I was here. I wanted her, but what can you say when they’ve already said no? You keep pushing it and you’re the asshole.

“So, you and Chad are fighting?”

“Yeah, but it’s not about you.”

She bit down on her lip. “It feels like it is.”

I shook my head, reaching for my water. “It’s not. I’ve let things go for too long, and I think you were just the catalyst. There’s some things he needs to stop doing. He knows it. We’ll be fine.” I already told her, but she looked worried. “Really. He and I haven’t fought fought in a long time. This was due.” And that made me wonder, “I know Natalie moved here a couple years back. Chad mentioned that Deek moved here, too. A year ago? You ever see him?”

Her shoulders seemed to shrink in size right before me.

She shook her head. “I—no. Hunter and I email, but that’s it.”

“That’s it? Fuck. Hunter’s what? He’s in high school by now.”

“He’s a junior.” Her grin was proud, but also sad. “He’s playing hockey. You’re his idol.”

“I’m his what? Chad never said a word.”

She looked away.

I leaned forward. “Hey.”

She turned back.

I sighed. How could someone look so fierce, so proud, so stubborn, and so sad at the same time? How could someone reach inside you and yank out all these emotions that you didn’t know existed? She did that, and this wasn’t going away.

I said instead, pushing all that shit to the side, “I didn’t know what was going on in high school. You said your mom was a junkie?”

We heard footsteps, and we looked.

Dee was bringing the appetizers over. “Here you guys go.” She glanced at the drinks. “You need anything else?”

I was making an executive decision. Reaching inside my wallet, I handed over my card. “Can you just ring us up?”

“Oh.” She took the card. Her gaze was more assessing now. She was taking in how stiff Cheyenne’s shoulders were, and I didn’t want to think what she saw when she took me in. “Maybe some to-go boxes?”

“That’d be great. Thank you.”

She nodded, another pat on the booth, but this time it was softer.

As soon as she was out of earshot, I said, “I want to see you. I’m sorry. I know you’ve ran from me twice now, but—” I groaned. “You don’t get to make the decision for me. I get to make that decision. You can’t push people away for the rest of your life.”

Cheyenne wasn’t looking at me.

“Cheyenne. Please.”

“This is so hard.”

Agreed. “Let me give you a ride home. Can we talk while I give you a ride home?” A different thought came to mind. “How are you handling being here? And the games? Is it too much for you?”

She looked up, the bags under her eyes more pronounced, but she shook her head. “I’m good. Or, I’m as good as I normally am. You, you bring more stress, and that wears on me. It’s like I have walls set up from the meds, and you break them back down. But now I’m doing extra cardio in the morning. It all helps. I’ll do meditation tonight, too.”

Meditation. Meds. Cardio. She couldn’t drink. Her life was close to mine.

“I’ve never tried meditation before.”

She grinned, a slight one, but it was there. “It really helps.”

Dee was coming back with a box and the bill. She handed both to me. “Thank you both.” She paused on me. “Do you…?”

I shook my head. “I got my truck here.” I signed the bill and handed it back, but my gaze was on Cheyenne. “I’m hoping to give this one a ride home?”

Cheyenne sighed, closing her eyes a beat. When she opened them, there was a new light there. She nodded, though it was tentative at first. “A ride would be nice.”

A ride. We’d still never had that first date, so I’d start there.