Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 25
Declan
I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.
It was Thursday evening, and I didn’t have to be back at work until Tuesday morning. Labor Day was typically a three-day weekend, but Border’s Dairy had also closed on Friday to give their workers a gift since they’d had a record-setting year of profits. Of course, I could work through it, like I did most weekends, but the last week or so I’d been feeling pretty down, and I figured maybe I should get out for a change of scenery. A woman in the accounting department had invited me to go to some big lake with her and her friends. She seemed nice and was good-looking enough, but the last thing I needed was to get involved with a third woman.
Julia and I had kept in touch, and she’d been bugging me to take a trip back to Chicago for the long weekend. She’d even gone so far as to say she’d make it worth my while,which should have had me jumping at the opportunity since it had been forever since I’d gotten laid. Yet it did the complete opposite. The time away from Julia had made me realize we didn’t have a long-term future. I didn’t think about her all the time like I should have—unlike the other woman in my life whom I should not have been thinking about, yet consumed my daily thoughts.
Molly.
Six weeks away from her had made me realize what I felt was no joke. I’d always been a driven person—able to see where I wanted to be in six months, a year, and even five years. But since I’d left Chicago, I couldn’t figure out where to go for the fucking weekend. I could no longer imagine where I wanted to be in six months, because it was too painful to imagine that wherever it was, Molly wouldn’t be with me.
Rather than sit in my hotel room and wallow, I decided to take a walk. There was a bar a few blocks away. Maybe I’d go in and grab a beer. The Spotted Cow had looked like an old-man’s bar from the outside, but inside, the place was filled with women. In fact, as I moseyed up to an empty stool at the corner of the bar, I realized I was pretty much the only man here.
The bartender was probably in her early sixties. She had flaming red hair and the brightest green eyes I’d ever seen. She placed a napkin in front of me.
“You’re not from around here, are you?”
I hadn’t said a word yet, so her assessment wasn’t based on my accent. I shook my head. “I’m not. But how did you know that?”
She chuckled and held out her hand. “Lucky guess. My name is Belinda. What can I get you, cowboy?”
I shook. “I’ll take a beer—Stella, if you have it. And I’m Declan.”
“Alright, Declan. Give me a minute.”
When she returned with my beer, she slid it over and leaned her elbows on the bar. “Were you looking for some company for the night?”
My brows drew together. Was she propositioning me? Is that what this place was? Why it was filled with women? “Umm…no, not really. I’m working in the area. I needed to get out of my hotel room. Just figured I’d have a drink, I guess.”
Belinda nodded. “Okay then. Just didn’t want you to be disappointed if you were looking to meet someone.” She lifted her chin toward the door. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re welcome here. But the bar across the street might be more of what you were expecting.”
I looked around, confused. Two women stood nearby, and one rubbed the other’s arm. I scanned around the room a bit more, and there were an awful lot of women standing really close together. Squinting, I noticed two making out in the corner. Oh shit.
Belinda watched me take it all in. I chuckled, shaking my head as I took a slug of my cold beer. “And here I thought you were pimping.”
“Excuse me?”
“You asked me if I was looking for some company.”
Belinda bent her head back in laughter. “Honey, you don’t have enough money in the world to take one of these women home tonight.”
I smiled. “That’s fine with me. I got enough woman problems.”
She shook her head. “Don’t we all, honey. Don’t we all.”
A lady sitting a few seats over held up her hand, so Belinda excused herself. She returned fifteen minutes later and swapped out my empty Stella for a full one. Leaning on the counter, she said, “Okay. So lay it on me.”
“What?”
“Your woman problems.”
I smiled. “Thank you, but it’s okay.”
“Listen, sweetheart, I’ve spent my life dealing with women—lived with a half dozen I loved, and owned this bar for three decades. And I also got twenty years on you.” She winked. “So trust me when I say you don’t have a problem I haven’t come across. You obviously aren’t looking to get lucky, or you would have left after you realized that isn’t happening here. So I’m thinking you’re having a few drinks and looking for some mental clarity. But alcohol doesn’t give you that.” She stood tall and patted her chest. “A bartender does.”
“That’s very kind of you. But I’m good…really. My problem doesn’t have a solution, so I don’t want to waste your time.”
“Every problem has a solution. Sometimes we just need to pull our heads out of our asses to see the answer.”
I laughed. “You don’t beat around the bush, do you, Belinda?”
“Nope. So let’s hear it. What’s on your mind?”
I supposed there was no harm in talking with Belinda. She didn’t know Molly or Julia. So I took a deep breath and tried to figure out where to start.
“A few months ago, I had a thing for a woman I worked with. Her name is Julia. We were on assignment, living in Chicago for six months. I was sharing an apartment with Molly, who had a thing for this guy at her work, Will. I came up with the bright idea for me and Molly to make Julia and Will jealous by pretending to be dating.”
“Oh boy, this sounds like a hot mess already.”
I smiled. “Long story short, I got the girl I wanted. Molly got the guy she wanted. But then I realized I didn’t want the girl I had. I wanted Molly.”
“So you’re one of those, huh? The type who only wants the things he can’t have?”
I frowned. “Honestly, I would love to say you’re wrong. But I think that was part of what attracted me to Julia originally. She was beautiful and unavailable, and maybe that was a challenge I wanted. Does that make me a total asshole?”
She nodded. “Pretty much.”
I laughed. “Thanks. Anyway, it’s not like that with Molly. Molly is…” There wasn’t a simple way to describe what she meant to me. But eventually, I looked at Belinda and came clean. “…Everything. Molly is everything.”
Belinda smiled warmly. “Yeah, I had one of those once.”
I took a swig of my beer. “What happened to her?”
“Passed away twelve years ago. Car accident.” She glanced away for a moment. “Still think about her every day.”
“I’m sorry.”
Belinda cleared her throat. “Thank you. So, does this Molly girl love this Will guy?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
“But she picked him over you?”
“It wasn’t really a pick-one-over-the-other-type thing. She knows I live on the opposite side of the country, but more than that, I never really gave her the chance to choose me because I never told her how I feel. I don’t think I can give her what she deserves.”
Belinda wrinkled her forehead. “You don’t have a dick or something?”
I laughed. “No, I’m good in that department. I just mean…Molly’s special. And I…” I shook my head. “I’m not reliable like Will. He’s a doctor, lives in Chicago with her, and has his shit together. She deserves someone stable.”
“You switch jobs a lot or something?”
“No. I’ve been with my company for five years.”
“So why can’t you be stable like this Will guy?”
“It’s…complicated.”
“No shit. Life always is. It’s why those who persevere reap the rewards. You know what people who take the easy way out and don’t push through their problems get?”
“What?”
“They get what they deserve.”
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“So what’s really going on, Declan? It sounds like you got a good job, and you claim your dick works well enough, so what part of you isn’t reliable?”
I was quiet for a long time. Belinda waited patiently, watching me. I could’ve thrown a twenty on the bar and walked out. But I was going to have to admit to someone what I feared. So why not Belinda? Chugging the rest of my beer, I blew out a jagged breath.
“My mother is bipolar.”
“Okay…”
When I said nothing more, she prodded.
“Did your father leave your mom high and dry, and that left a bad taste in your mouth for commitment or something?”
I shook my head. “Nope. He stuck by her side. They’ve been married for thirty-five years. I’m the youngest of five kids.”
“So what am I missing?”
“My father’s a good man. He wouldn’t walk out on my mother. But it changed his life. He carries a pretty damn big burden every day. When I was younger, my mom spent months at a time in bed and couldn’t hold a job. So he worked a lot, and when he wasn’t working, he was trying to help out with one of the five kids, or he was taking care of my mother.”
She nodded. “That sounds tough. But you can’t spend your life avoiding commitment because your father had to carry more than his share. That’s got nothing to do with your life and your relationships.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Then you’re gonna need to spell it out for me. Because I’ve spent thirty years listening to people half in the bag tell me their problems. And I’m having a harder time following you after just two beers than any of them. What’s got you afraid to go after the woman you love?”
I’d never said the words out loud before. But fuck it… Looking Belinda directly in the eyes, I said, “I suffer from depression. Started in high school, though, if you asked most of my classmates, they’d tell you I was the life of the party. But I went through some rough times before I spoke to one of my sisters about it and sought help. It’s pretty much under control now, though I take medication and go to therapy to keep it that way.”
“Okay, well, none of us is perfect. But it sounds like you’re managing things.”
I shook my head. “When my mom started out, her doctor thought it was just some depression, too. It took years for her illness to show all its signs.”
“So you think because your mom got worse, that might happen to you?”
I nodded. “Bipolar disorder is hereditary.”
