Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 28
Molly
My father knew a heck of a lot of people.
Three days later, my sister Lauren had arrived from London, and we sat in the front row of the funeral parlor as what seemed like an endless stream of people stopped by to offer their condolences for the second day in a row. I was pretty sure anyone who happened to have a heart attack this afternoon might be shit out of luck, because every doctor and nurse in the county was at the wake. My dad and I had worked at two different hospitals, and the turnout was bigger than I’d anticipated. Even my mom came, which made me happy.
The wake started from two to four in the afternoon, followed by a three-hour break, and then another session from seven to nine in the evening. In between, Kayla had arranged for us to have dinner in a private room at a nearby Italian restaurant. Since my dad was an only child, and both of his parents were already deceased, most of the family there was Kayla’s. Again, Will stayed by my side the entire time.
“How you holding up?” He leaned over after we finished eating and kissed my temple.
“I’m good. But I can’t believe I have to go through this again tonight.”
Thankfully, this evening was the last of the sessions. Tomorrow would be the funeral.
“I’m sorry I can’t stay,” he said. “I’ll be there all day tomorrow with you, though.”
“Don’t be silly. First of all, you have been here for me every step of the way. I’m not even sure when the last time you slept was. And you definitely don’t need to apologize for having to work tonight. You don’t need to come back and babysit me tomorrow. You’ve done enough, Will.”
Will weaved his fingers with mine and brought my hand to his lips. “I just want to be here for you.”
I cupped his cheek. “You have been, and I really appreciate it. Thank you, Will.”
The evening session of the wake was much of the same. I’d never met half the people who came up to talk with me, and that was a constant reminder of how long I’d kept my life separate from my father’s. At one point, I stood between my sister Lauren and my dad’s wife. I looked toward Kayla to introduce her to a nurse who had worked for our dad when we were little, and when I turned back, instead of yet another healthcare worker, I found my sister shaking hands with a man.
“Declan? Oh my God! What are you doing here?” I launched myself into his arms.
He chuckled as he stumbled back, unprepared for my enthusiastic greeting. “Of course I came. How could I not with a welcome like that?”
I attempted to dial it back as much as I could. “I had no idea you were coming.”
“My flight was delayed. I was supposed to be here for the afternoon session.”
“Well, this is a welcome surprise. Thank you so much for coming all the way back.”
We talked for a few minutes, until Declan noticed he was holding up the line. “I’m going to pay my respects and go sit in the back,” he said. “Find me later when you’re free?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Unfortunately, free didn’t happen until almost an hour and a half later when things were coming to a close for the evening. But my spirits had greatly improved since Declan arrived. Every once in a while, I would look over my shoulder to make sure he was still there, and each and every time, he smiled at me. It was like the shot of medicine I needed to keep going.
When the line finally slowed, Kayla rubbed my arm. “It was nice of Declan to come. Your father really liked him.”
“He liked Dad a lot, too.”
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but the night the two of you came to dinner, your father told me he thought he’d just met his future son-in-law.”
“Dad said that?”
Kayla nodded. “He did. I thought I saw something special between you, too.”
I looked over at Declan. He was still seated in the back. But this time when he smiled, he held up a bag of M&Ms and let them dangle. It made me chuckle.
When I turned back to Kayla, she smiled warmly. “You two have fun tonight. You need a break.”
***
Resting my head on the back of the seat in Declan’s rental car, I sighed. “What a long day.”
He reached his hand across to squeeze mine. “You must be so tired.”
I yawned. “I am.”
“What can I do?” he asked.
“I just want to go home.”
Declan flashed a warm and comforting smile. “Let’s do that then.”
He started the car and took off down the road.
He turned to me. “Have you eaten?”
“I could really go for some breakfast for dinner right now.”
His brow lifted. “You got eggs and bread?”
“My fridge is totally empty.”
“I’ll stop at the market and run in real quick.”
I smiled. “Thank you. You’re the best.”
During the ride, I stared out the window. A sudden wave of sadness hit me. I’d somehow been able to block out the reality of my father being gone today, even at the wake. But in the quiet of this car, everything seeped in. It started to rain, and that just amplified the mood.
When we got back to the apartment, I took a long, hot shower. When I ventured out into the living area, it seemed like no time had passed since Declan left for Wisconsin. While I crashed on the couch, he stood at the stove, preparing his famous French toast. The smell of cinnamon wafted through the air. And on this miserable day, finally there was a moment of joy.
I breathed in, savoring the scent. “I still can’t believe you came all this way.”
“Not coming was never an option, Mollz.”
A smile spread across my face as I watched him flip the toast. “This is exactly what the doctor ordered: breakfast for dinner and getting to hang out with you tonight.”
He turned around. “Well, not sure which doctor we’re talking about, but I’m not sure Dr. Will would have ordered me here with you tonight.”
I blushed, feeling suddenly guilty. “Probably not.”
“Speaking of which, if my sleeping here is going to cause any complications, I can stay at a hotel.”
I sat up. “Are you kidding? This is your home. You’ve paid your rent. The room is still yours. Not to mention, I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“I get that, but will he come by? You never told Will I was your roommate all that time. So my being here wouldn’t make sense to him. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
I knew Will wouldn’t be happy with this, but no way would I tell Declan to leave. I shrugged. “He’s working all night. He’s not going to come here. And if for some reason he did, I’d tell him the truth—that you came into town and you’re staying here. He would have to accept that, because he knows you and I are still friends.”
Declan nodded. “Okay, sweetheart. I just don’t want to make things complicated.”
It was the second time this week that Declan had called me sweetheart. Maybe I needed to evaluate why I loved it so damn much when a man who wasn’t my boyfriend called me sweetheart. But I was too tired to obsess over it right now.
“You’re not making anything complicated, Declan. You’re making it a lot easier for me tonight because I don’t have to be alone.”
He smiled. “Well, I’m happy as hell to be home.”
Home.I wasn’t sure he realized what he’d just said. “Home, huh?”
He paused. “It’s funny. That just came out. But I guess I do view this as home. My second home, at least.”
Declan arranged two plates of cinnamon French toast with hefty sides of bacon. The appetite I’d lost earlier was back with a vengeance, and suddenly I couldn’t get enough food.
We sat down, and he grinned as he watched me. “I’m glad to see some things haven’t changed.”
In no time, there wasn’t a morsel left on my plate. But we continued to sit across from each other in comfortable silence. I finished off the last of my orange juice.
“Did you tell Julia you were back in town?” I asked, still feeling a twinge of jealousy at the mention of her name.
He shook his head. “No. She doesn’t need to know I’m here—not looking to start anything up there again. Better to leave well enough alone. I only came for you.”
My chest tightened. “When do you have to go back?”
“Unfortunately, my flight leaves tomorrow night. So, I’ll be here for the funeral, but I have to be back in Wisconsin right after. The following morning I have an important presentation. I wish I could stay longer.”
I frowned. “Me, too.”
Silence settled over us, and the high I’d been experiencing started to wane.
Declan sensed it. “Do you want to talk about today?”
I shook my head. “No, even though maybe I should. Rehashing this day is the last thing I want. It was grueling, and I am absolutely dreading tomorrow.” I kicked his foot playfully under the table. “Let’s talk about anything but death, okay? Tell me more about cheese and lesbian bars.”
So Declan told me a few funny stories about life in Wisconsin, and I got lost in his humor. With each minute that passed, I was more and more grateful that Declan was here with me tonight.
“I’m not the only one who appreciates you being here,” I said. “My dad’s wife thought it was really nice that you showed up, and made a point to tell me how much my dad adored you.”
Declan reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I really liked him, too. I wish I’d had a chance to get to know him.”
“Even though he didn’t know you very well, my father sensed that you were good people, you know? Just like I did when I first met you. I think he loved the fact that you’re so outgoing and pleasant. Seriously, Declan, whenever you’re around, you just light up a room.”
The expression on his face changed after I said that—darkening, as if somehow my compliment had upset him. It was strange.
My eyes widened. “Did I say something wrong? That was meant to be a compliment, you know.”
“No.” Declan leaned back in his seat and let out a long breath. “Of course it was. That was a nice thing to say.” He wiped his forehead, and his face turned red.
Something was off. I leaned in. “Are you okay?”
He blinked repeatedly, as if he didn’t quite know how to respond, then attempted to brush it off. “Now is not the time to be talking about me. That’s not why I’m here.”
“I want to know if something is bothering you, Declan.” My heart started to race. “Besides, the last thing I want to talk about is me. So please, tell me what’s going on.”
He looked down at his hands and circled his thumbs. “It’s nothing.”
The more he tried to downplay it, the more worried I became.
“Your face dampened the second I said you light up a room. It triggered something. Please tell me why.”
He swallowed. “Okay… There is something going on with me. But I just don’t feel like tonight is the right time to get into it.” Exhaling, he said, “Maybe we can talk about it over the phone when things calm down for you. I don’t want to—”
“I don’t know if you realize how much I care about you,” I interrupted, my choice of words surprising me. “If something is bothering you, Declan, I need to know. Now. Please? It’s okay. Do I look like I’m going anywhere tonight?”
He stared into my eyes for what seemed like an unusually long time. Then he finally nodded. “Let’s go over to the couch.”
My heart sank. My imagination ran wild as I waited for him to sit down with me. Had something happened back in Wisconsin? Had he gotten someone pregnant? That last thought was really random, but anything was possible. He took our plates to the sink before joining me on the sofa.
We sat close and faced each other.
“There’s something I haven’t told you,” he began. “Something I didn’t fully realize about myself until recently.”
My heart pounded. “Okay…”
Declan didn’t say anything for a full thirty seconds.
“Getting these words out is harder than I thought.” He took a deep breath in and blew it out. “Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say it.” He closed his eyes. “There are times when I don’t feel right, when I get down.” He paused. “I suffer from depression, Molly. It’s something I’ve been treated for since high school. My mother also suffers from…bipolar disorder.”
Wow.Okay. Hadn’t seen that coming.
“I’ve always worried that my depression might be the beginning signs of bipolar disorder,” he continued. “It isn’t easy to diagnose because it progresses over a long period of time. I only recently discussed that worry at length with my doctor. He doesn’t seem as concerned as I am, but he also couldn’t tell me definitively that my worries are unfounded. I take medication for the depression, and for the most part, it helps. Though sometimes I go through these terrible low periods where I struggle, and then my doctor usually adjusts my medication. The night you came home from staying at your dad’s for a week, I was in one of those rough patches. The toughest part is not being able to get myself out of it right away when it happens.”
I let that sink in. It pained me to know he’d been suffering in silence and hadn’t felt like he could tell me. Moreover, it hurt because I’d been too damn wrapped up in my own shit to figure it out, even though I’d seen the signs. I knew something was bothering him when I came home from my dad’s, but I never imagined it was coming from within him.
“Are you feeling okay right now?” I asked.
“Yeah, I am. While I’d always had it in the back of my head that my issues could spiral into something more serious, lately I’d really begun to worry I was turning into my mother. The worry itself became a problem for me, and I needed to admit that to myself and to my doctor.”
“So you said you spoke to your doctor?”
“Yeah. I spoke to my doctor back in California. We’ve started doing some Zoom therapy sessions, and he’s put a lot of my fears to rest. He seems to think if I were bipolar, it would manifest differently. He believes I’m just depressed. Though, of course, he can’t be fully certain.”
“You never talked much about your mom. Now I realize it’s a delicate subject.”
“Growing up with her mood swings and episodes was really hard. It’s never been easy for me to talk about. And believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was bring all of this up tonight.”
I reached for his hand. “I’m so glad you did.” I felt like I was finally getting the missing piece of a puzzle. As close as he and I had become, I’d always had the sense something was missing. Now I knew.
“Declan, you have no idea how much it means that you’re sharing this with me right now. I’ve always wondered if there were parts of yourself you never showed me—almost like you were too good to be true.” I laughed a little.
He smiled. “Yeah, I get it. I’ve grown pretty good at hiding a lot behind a smile. Sometimes I think I overcompensate and try to make people laugh so they aren’t busy looking any deeper at me. Not many people are able to tell when I’m covering my feelings, but I had an inkling you could see through my bullshit that night you came home from your dad’s. I didn’t want to burden you, even though I knew you’d be supportive.”
“I know how hard it can be to talk about things like this.”
He nodded. “You’ve always been honest about your own anxieties. It just took me a while to get to that place.”
I exhaled. “I wish I’d known so I could have helped.”
“The fact that you know now and I don’t have to hide it anymore makes me feel better.”
Over the next half hour, Declan talked a bit more about his mother and the challenges of growing up with a parent who had a mental illness.
“Again, I’m so glad you told me.”
“Me, too.” He flashed a hesitant smile. “I’ve taken the past few weeks to deal with my shit in a way I should’ve been doing for some time. I even went back to Cali for a few days.”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t realize that.” I smiled. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay tonight? You must’ve traveled all day and then you sat at a wake for hours.”
He took my hand. “I feel especially good tonight because I’m with you—even under the horrible circumstances that brought me here. I really missed you. I don’t think I realized how much until I saw you tonight.”
His words nearly melted me. What is going on? I thought I’d started to get over Declan. Things had been going so well with Will. But right now, all I could see, all I could feel was Declan.
I wanted to say so much, but the only words that came out were, “I missed you, too.”
Declan took a deep breath in and smacked my leg. “Enough about this now, okay? We need to talk about happy things for the rest of tonight.”
“For the record, talking about the tough stuff isn’t hard for me. I love learning more about you, even if it’s painful.”
He looked into my eyes. “It wasn’t that I didn’t think you’d accept me or anything like that. I was in denial myself and didn’t want to deal. My doctor feels like I might have a form of PTSD from my childhood, in terms of things I witnessed with my mom. And even though clinical depression is my main issue, my fear of turning into my mother has affected the way I deal with certain things—like my relationships, the decisions I make…” He stared into my eyes.
Was he talking about us? His decision not to pursue anything with me? Or was he referring to Julia?
Rather than ask him to clarify, I said, “Promise me something.”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me that now that I know, you’ll lean on me. Promise me you’ll call me anytime you need to talk about how you’re feeling.”
Declan smiled. “Okay, I promise.”
I’d thought I cared about Declan before tonight, but experiencing this raw and vulnerable side of him was a level of intimacy we’d never shared before. All of the complicated feelings I’d ever had for him lit up inside me like a fire reigniting.
