Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 27
Molly
“I need some fresh air.”
Will nodded and stood. “Let’s get coffee and take a walk around the hospital.”
“Would you…mind staying here?”
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Of course. I’ll text you if anything changes, or if Sam comes in for rounds early.”
I smiled sadly. “Thanks, Will. I appreciate it.”
He kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry, Molly. I wish there was something I could do. It’s killing me to sit here and do nothing. I hate feeling so helpless.”
I knew Will meant every word. He was a very caring doctor, which is one of the things I admired most about him. So many physicians stopped seeing patients as people, focusing instead on the clinical symptoms of an illness. But not Will. He got to know his patients and their families and had so much empathy.
“Thank you for being here. I know you should be home sleeping because you have to work tonight.”
His forehead wrinkled. “No, I shouldn’t be home sleeping. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, Molly.”
I walked through the corridors of the hospital in a complete daze until I stepped outside into the cool, early-morning air. It hit me that I didn’t remember anything after walking out of the ICU double doors a few minutes ago. The trek along the fourth floor, down the elevator, and out through the lobby were lost inside my head. I took a deep breath and decided to follow the trail around the hospital that I sometimes walked on my breaks with other nurses.
Last night, Kayla had called at a little after eleven o’clock. She said she was riding in the back of an ambulance on her way to the hospital. She and my dad had dozed off on the couch while watching a movie, and when she went to wake him to go upstairs to bed, he was unresponsive. The paramedics performed CPR when they arrived and were able to get a weak pulse, but things weren’t much better now, almost six hours later.
Kayla had run home a half hour ago to check in on my half-sister and give her an update before bringing her back to… I couldn’t even finish the sentence in my head. Bring her back to what? Say goodbye? That thought was still unfathomable.
When she called, I’d been at Will’s apartment freaking out about the possibility of finally having sex with the man I’d been dating for a few months. At the time, it had felt like the biggest decision I’d ever had to make. But now, just hours later, my father’s wife was looking to me for guidance on his health, and I could no longer imagine I’d thought my sex life was important enough to waste precious time fretting over.
My head was a jumbled mess as I rounded the rear corner of the hospital. When my phone buzzed in my hand, I held my breath. Seeing Declan’s name, I let out a sigh of relief, glad it wasn’t the hospital, or Will, calling with bad news. I swiped to read the message.
Declan: Just checking in on you.
I smiled halfheartedly. After the bombshell one-line message I’d sent to him on my way to the hospital earlier, I’d given him an update and promised I’d call if anything changed. But I really wanted to talk to him right now, so rather than text a response, I hit call.
He answered on the first ring.
“Hey—how are you?”
His voice wrapped around me like a warm blanket, and I felt my shoulders relax a little. “I’ve been better,” I said. “It’s good to hear your voice. I’m sorry for calling so early. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Are you kidding? I was pacing, not sleeping. How’s your dad?”
“He’s…not good.” I felt my eyes well up with tears. “I don’t think he’s going to make it too much longer. He has a DNR—a signed do-not-resuscitate order—so he didn’t want to be put on life support. Without any help, his pulse is weak and his breathing is slow.”
“Jesus, Mollz. I’m so sorry. I knew he was sick; I just didn’t know this would happen so quickly, or I wouldn’t have left.” He paused. “I should’ve stayed. I should’ve fucking stayed.”
I smiled. Though I couldn’t see him, I knew Declan had just dragged a hand through his hair. “You had to work. No one knew how fast we were going to get here.”
“Is he…comfortable?”
“I think he is. He’s not awake to tell us, but his face is relaxed. He actually looks very much at peace right now.”
“Good. Good. Are you at the hospital still?”
“Yeah. I needed some fresh air, so I decided to take a walk—do a lap or two around the building.”
“Is Kayla with you?”
“No, not at the moment. She went home to talk to my half-sister.”
“Shit. I wish I could’ve jumped in the car when I got your text last night. But I’d been drinking and couldn’t. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“I’m not. Will is here with me.”
There was a long moment of silence before Declan spoke again.
“Right, of course. I’m glad you’re not alone.”
I needed a few minutes of escape. “Tell me about Wisconsin.”
“Are you changing the subject because you need a break?”
I smiled. He knew me so well. “Yeah, I am.”
“Okay, well…let me see, where should I start? Oh, I know—I met a woman.”
My heart sank. “You did?”
“Yep, her name is Belinda. She’s sixty-one and a lesbian.”
I chuckled, feeling instantly relieved. “Do you work with her at the dairy company?”
“Nope. She owns the bar down the street from my hotel. I really like it there. The people are great. I don’t know why I never went to a gay bar before.”
“Probably because you’re not gay.”
“Oh yeah, that might be it.”
Declan spent the next ten minutes telling me about random people he’d met in Wisconsin. His physical descriptions were amusing because he likened everyone to a different cartoon character. From the way he spoke, I envisioned the state of Wisconsin much like Narnia—except I’d pass over the state line rather than through a closet and suddenly everything would be animated.
Only Declan could make me laugh right now. I sighed. “God, I needed this.”
“What? To hear about my boring life in Wisconsin?”
“Just to forget for a few minutes.”
He sighed. “I wish I was there with you.”
As I turned the corner to return to the front of the hospital, my heart nearly stopped seeing Will walking toward me. He must’ve noticed the color drain from my face, because he held up his hands.
“Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Kayla came back, so I gave her and your sister a minute alone with your dad. She promised to text if anything changed.”
“Oh…” I let out a jagged breath. “Okay, thanks.”
Remembering I was still on the phone, I returned to my conversation, “Sorry. I panicked there for a minute. I thought something happened with my dad.”
“Yeah, I heard. Is that Will?”
“Yes.”
An awkward silence ensued. “Do you want me to let you go?”
“Yeah, I guess I should.”
“Okay. But keep in touch. Promise, Mollz?”
“I will.”
“Bye, sweetheart.”
“Bye.”
After I swiped the phone off, Will handed me a coffee. I hadn’t even noticed he had one in each hand. “Who was that?”
“Declan.”
He frowned, but tried to cover it. “How’s he doing?”
“Good. He texted me last night to check in when we’d just gotten to the hospital, so he was worried.”
Will nodded. It dawned on me that I’d asked him to stay behind while I went out to get air. He probably thought I’d done that so I could sneak off to talk to Declan. That hadn’t been my plan, but talking to Declan had made me feel better than I had since last night—and that had me feeling a little guilty. Will had been so amazing when it came to my father. He’d been pretty amazing, in general, the last few months.
“I hadn’t planned on talking to Declan when I stepped out from ICU. That’s not why I asked you to stay.”
Will searched my eyes a moment before nodding. “Okay.”
I nodded back. “How’s Kayla now?”
“She seems more pulled together than she was earlier. I’m sure she’s trying to put on a strong front for Siobhan.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“You want to take another lap to give them a little time with your dad?”
“Yeah. That might be a good idea. My sister needs to prepare.”
***
Robert Emerson Corrigan died at 6:38PM. Will and I knew it was about to happen, so he’d taken my little sister down to the cafeteria and left Kayla and me to stay at Dad’s bedside as he took his last breaths.
Being a nurse, that hadn’t been the first time I’d stayed with someone while they passed away, but doing it for someone you loved—your own father or your husband—was definitely a first for Kayla and me. The steady decline of his vitals had told me it was going to happen soon, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the moment the doctor pronounced him gone.
“Time of death, 6:38PM.”
Kayla and I had clung to each other in the minutes that followed. I’d managed to stay strong until a howl escaped her—then we both fell apart. She wanted to say her goodbye first because she needed to go break the news to Siobhan. So I waited by the nurses’ station to give her time alone. Then, when she was done, I went in.
Taking my father’s hand, I stared down at his now-lifeless body. It was surreal that he was gone. I’d only just reconnected with him, and now I’d never see his smile or hear his laugh again. Tears streamed down my face.
“Hi, Dad. I don’t know if you can still hear me, but I have so much I didn’t get a chance to say.” I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You were a good man. I know I didn’t always make you feel like I believed that, but you were. You were kind and patient, forgiving and honorable. I was stupid to let so many years go by without having you in my life, and I’m so glad we had these last few months to get to know each other again.” I wiped tears from my cheeks. “I know I can’t take back what I did, but I want you to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes. Time is too valuable to not be with the people you love, and I love you, Dad, with my whole heart. I also love Kayla and Siobhan. I know how deeply you care about them both, so I’m going to make sure to be a part of their lives from now on. I know you’d want that for all of us. They’re forever my connection to you. Thank you for bringing them into my life.” I stood and leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Daddy. I’ll see you again one day.”
Will was waiting outside of the curtain when I came out. After I spent some time with Kayla and Siobhan, he drove me home. On the way, I called my mom and texted my closest friends, including Declan, to let them know Dad was gone. When we finally walked into my apartment, it had felt like a year passed since I’d left yesterday. I looked at the time on the clock as I set my purse down on the kitchen counter.
“Oh my God, Will. It’s almost eleven o’clock. Your shift started at eight, didn’t it?”
He rubbed my arms. “Kurt Addison was on tonight. He owed me a favor, so he’s going to stay until I get there. I’ll go in and relieve him in a little while, and then I’ll work on finding people to cover my shifts for a few days.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I want to. This is going to be a tough week for you.”
I leaned against his chest, suddenly exhausted.
“You haven’t eaten anything in more than twenty-four hours,” he said. “Do you want me to make you something?”
I shook my head. “I’m too tired to even chew. I think I’m going to take a quick shower though.”
“Okay. While you do that, I’ll make you some soup.” He winked at me. “There’s no chewing involved.”
I took a long, steaming-hot shower and slipped into a furry bathrobe. My face was puffy from all the crying, and I left my hair wrapped in the towel because I was too lazy to brush it. Basically, I looked like hell, but didn’t have the energy to care.
In the kitchen, Will had set two bowls of steaming soup on the table. He pulled out a chair for me as I padded into the room.
“I found chicken noodle and tomato soup. I figured the tomato soup involved less chewing, but seeing that it expired a year and a half ago, I thought you’d be better off with a few noodles.”
I smiled and sat down. “Thank you.”
“Oh, and I almost forgot…” He turned around and grabbed something from the counter. “You also had this hidden behind the cans.” Will placed a shot glass filled with M&Ms on the table. “Do you hide candy for emergencies or something?”
My heart felt heavy. Yet again, Declan had found a way to remind me of him—not that my thoughts were ever too far away.
“I guess I just forgot I put them there,” I said.
After we ate our soup, I couldn’t wait to curl up in a ball in my bed. Will climbed in behind me and snuggled for a while, but eventually he had to leave for the hospital. He must’ve thought I was sleeping as he ever so carefully slipped out from the room. Rather than let him know I wasn’t, I kept my eyes closed and stayed quiet.
I hadn’t slept in more than a day and a half; I was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept thinking about how much time I’d wasted, how many years I’d kept my distance from my father—and now he was gone. It was a real reminder that life moved fast, and it was so important to spend as much time as possible with the people you loved. I couldn’t go back, but I could make that a priority in the future.
