Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 31
Declan
Sweat dotted my forehead as I let the music take me away. Once again, I was the only guy in sight at The Spotted Cow. “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa played as I moved and grooved amidst a sea of women. They’d played that song especially for me. I was honored. It was the Saturday before I was set to leave Wisconsin later in the week. Belinda had hired a DJ as a little going-away present for me. It was definitely the best goodbye party I could’ve hoped for. Drinks on the house weren’t half bad either. It was a much-needed night of escapism, because the days since returning from Chicago hadn’t been easy.
The disappointment in Molly’s voice when I’d told her I likely wasn’t coming back had killed me. Her reaction made me doubt my decision. But I knew I couldn’t handle watching her with Will again. It was one thing to know that with each passing day, Molly was getting closer to him. But seeing and experiencing it wasn’t something I wanted to put myself through. Not to mention, it was going to look suspicious if I showed up there again so soon. He’d give her shit about it, and I didn’t want to cause Molly stress. Whether or not she realized it, my heading straight back to California was the right decision. I still second-guessed it every chance I got, though.
When the song changed to a slower one, I left the dance floor and headed for the bar.
Belinda smiled from ear to ear. “Damn, boy. I’ve never seen you dance like that.”
I grabbed a napkin and wiped my forehead. “Yeah, well, I’m trying to forget about shit, you know? Dancing my troubles away.”
“When is your flight again?”
“Thursday night. You’ll still be seeing me until then.”
Belinda pouted. “I’m sure gonna miss you.”
“You need to take a vacation and come out to California.”
“I promise you, I will.” She smacked me over the head with her dishrag. “What’s going on, Dec? I know you’re not devastated to leave Wisconsin. So there’s got to be something else you’re trying to forget. You’ve seemed down ever since you came back from Chicago.”
I hadn’t gone into much detail since returning from Molly’s dad’s funeral. But what did I have to lose now? “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”
“Of course. But is the only reason you’re telling me because you’re half in the bag?”
I laughed. “No. I swear.”
“Okay. Just didn’t want you to regret it.” She leaned in. “What’s the big secret?”
“I think I’m in love.”
“With me?” she said without batting an eyelash.
That made me cackle. “Well, with you, yeah. That’s a given. But I was referring to someone else in this case.”
She smiled knowingly. “Molly…”
Letting out a long breath, I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You’re only now just realizing this?”
I sighed. “I always knew I cared deeply for her. But after this last trip to Chicago, I’m a hundred-percent sure I’m actually in love with her. And I don’t know what to fucking do about it.”
“So you realized you’re in love with Molly, but you’re not going back to Chicago.” She scratched her head exaggeratedly. “Yeah…that makes a lot of sense.”
“I know it doesn’t seem right. But the situation isn’t that simple.”
“If you love someone, you have to tell her.”
“Not if I don’t think I’m what’s best for her. If you love someone, you want what’s best for them.” I paused. “I told you about my depression. What if I can’t get a handle on it, or what if it gets worse over time?”
“Have you told her about it?”
I sighed. “I told her during this last visit. She was wonderful and supportive.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is, even if she accepts it, she may not really understand what she’d be getting herself into.”
She shook her head. “No one knows what they’re getting into long term or what the future holds. That’s a risk you take for love. I’ll bet she’s stronger than you think. And if she loves you back, she’ll accept that you have some bad days.”
The wheels in my head were still turning against me. “Okay…well, even if you’re right, she’s currently with someone else.”
“What does she say about her feelings for this other guy?”
“Last I checked, she hadn’t told him she loved him, even though he’d said those words to her. But that doesn’t mean she won’t get there.”
Belinda’s eyes popped wide. “Uh…hello? That’s a pretty big clue that she doesn’t love him.”
“That could have changed by now, though.” I leaned my head in my hands. “Regardless of her feelings for him, I have no clue if she feels the same way about me as I do her. She cares about me. We’re good friends. And she’s attracted to me—or at least she was at one point. But that doesn’t mean she feels as strongly as I do.”
“So ask. What’s the worst that could happen?”
I sighed. “I’m afraid of turning her life upside down. She’s been through a lot recently. I don’t want to cause trouble or confuse her if she’s in a happy, stable situation.”
Belinda shrugged. “She couldn’t tell you for sure that she loved this guy…”
“She was also in a weird place when she admitted that. Her father had just died—not sure she could feel anything at all.”
Belinda leaned her chin into her hands and smiled. “Is she the first girl you ever loved?”
There was no question. “Yeah. Without a doubt.”
“What made you certain you love her?”
I sighed. “There was a point at the church when I had to sit behind her and her boyfriend.” I shook my head. “It felt so unnatural…so painful. I felt like part of my heart was beating inside her, and I couldn’t get to it. I wanted so badly to be the one comforting her. And I felt literal pain. But it didn’t hit me until I was on the plane coming back here that the feeling of pain? It was actually love.”
Belinda shocked me by wiping a tear from her eye. “Declan, you have to tell her.”
My eyes widened. “Oh my God. I can’t fucking believe I made you cry just now.”
“I’m crying because what you said is beautiful. And I’m crying because I feel really bad that I’m gonna have to beat your ass in a minute.” Her tears gave way to laughter. “Dec, it would be tragic if you let her go without a fight.”
“I can’t let her go if I don’t have her in the first place.”
She rolled her eyes and whacked me with her dishrag again. “You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you’re scared. You said you don’t want to cause confusion, but if causing confusion is a concern, a part of you must know she has feelings for you—feelings that would mean she has a choice to make.”
That definitely made some sense. “Maybe…”
“By not saying anything, you stay in this safe place—she remains in your life, but never the way you hoped. You’re letting fear make all of the decisions here. Get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is.”
I chuckled. “Damn. I’m losing my straight-shooting therapist in a few days, aren’t I?”
Belinda held up a finger and left me momentarily to visit the DJ. When she returned to her spot behind the bar, Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” started playing.
She spoke over the music. “Listen to the words of this song. This is the attitude you need to take with Molly. There is no other person who will love her like you do, even if life ain’t perfect all the time. You’re the only one, Declan. You know that deep inside. And the first way you can prove that is to risk getting your heart broken. Silence is regret. Inaction will always translate to regret in the end. If you never say anything, you’ll never know.”
I rubbed my temples. Belinda had given me way too much to think about tonight. She knew it, too, because she stopped talking and poured me another drink.
