Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 34
Declan
I’d started driving the rental car from the lake toward the airport. But as I did the math, I realized even if I were lucky enough to catch a flight right away, between returning the rental car, the time it takes to board and disembark, picking up another rental car on the other side, and the forty-five minute flight, I’d barely make it there any faster than I could drive. So instead of exiting for O’Hare, I headed north toward Madison. I couldn’t risk that a flight might get delayed or that there wouldn’t be any seats left until late tonight.
When I started, the GPS said the drive would take me about three hours, but apparently they didn’t know what speed I’d be going. Because two-and-a-half hours later, I was parking outside The Spotted Cow.
I had no luggage, no hotel, and a rental car that was supposed to be in another state, but none of that mattered. I’d asked Belinda to stall Molly for as long as she could, but not tell her I was in Chicago. My heart pounded in my chest as I opened the door and saw Molly sitting in my usual seat.
It felt like it took forever to get to her, even though she was just at the end of the bar.
Molly jumped down from her stool and landed clumsily on her feet. “Oh my God, I thought you’d never show.”
Unable to touch her fast enough, I wrapped my arms around her and drew her in close. “I can’t believe you came here.” I squeezed. “God, Molly, I missed you.”
“It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I had to see you.”
I moved back to look at her face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to Wisconsin?”
She shrugged and smiled. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want you to say anything that might change my mind. I wanted to get to you before you could talk me out of it. I needed to see you before you left for California.”
I pulled her in for another hug and spoke in her ear, “I have so much to say to you. But we need to go somewhere and talk privately.”
When our eyes met again, she asked, “What took you so long to get here? Where were you tonight?”
“Well, funny you should ask…” I laughed. “It took me forever to get here because I was driving back from Chicago.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“I went to see you.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No. You can’t make this shit up. I was looking for you. You weren’t answering my texts. I was losing my mind, Molly.”
She put two and two together. “Wait, does that mean you’ve already checked out of your room here?”
I chuckled. “Yup. I’m homeless as of right now.”
Belinda interjected, “No, you’re not. You’re going to my place. I’ll spend the night at my sister’s. Been meaning to catch up with her anyway.”
“I can’t let you do that. We can go back to the hotel. I’m sure they have a vacancy.”
Belinda slapped her dishrag against the wood of the bar. “No way I’m gonna let you do what you need to do tonight with bedbugs as your audience.” She reached into her pocket and removed one of the keys from her keyring. “Take my damn key and go upstairs.”
Belinda lived right above the bar in a loft-style apartment. While I’d never been inside, I suspected it was nice. I also suspected I’d be wasting my time if I believed she’d take no for an answer tonight. And it was a relief not to have to waste time finding a room.
“I won’t fight you on this, Belinda,” I said. “Thank you.”
While Molly gave her a hug goodbye, Belinda flashed me a thumbs-up. I guess I officially had her approval.
Placing my hand on the small of Molly’s back, I led her out of the bar.
As we climbed the stairs to Belinda’s, my heart raced. I gathered my thoughts and wondered what had prompted Molly to come all the way here. Was she freaked out that she might not see me again, or was it something more?
I turned the key to enter Belinda’s apartment.
“Wow. Nice place,” Molly said.
Belinda had plants throughout the space, and the bright décor was just as vibrant as she was. It was one big space with a kitchen that opened to the living room, and a large bed in the farthest corner of the room. Everything was meticulously clean.
Molly looked around, and then finally at me. “I’m so confused, Declan. I thought you were never going back to Chicago. Obviously, I wouldn’t have come here if I knew you were headed to me.”
I placed my hands on her shoulders. “I wasn’t planning to go to Chicago. But then I got my head out of my ass and realized I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t come see you.” I took a deep breath. Here goes. “Things with Will and you are at a point that if I waited any longer, I would never get a chance to tell you how I feel—”
Before I could elaborate, Molly interrupted me. “There is no more Will and me, Declan.”
I cocked my head. “What?”
“I broke up with him.”
My heart felt ready to explode, bursting with hope. “When was this?”
“A couple of days ago.”
“What happened?” I tried to seem sympathetic, though I wanted to dance.
“I realized one night—when I randomly started crying at work because someone named their baby Declan—that I’m…totally in love with you.” Her chest heaved.
She’s in love with me?
Molly is in love with me?
I should’ve immediately told her I loved her back, but my overwhelmed brain wasn’t there yet. It hadn’t caught up with my heart and was still processing.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t know if you felt the same way, and I wasn’t sure it was right to tell you. That is, until I found a note you’d left under your bed. Well, actually Siobhan found it.”
Note?“What note?”
Molly took a piece of paper out of her purse and handed it to me.
I recognized the rambling thoughts I’d written down the time I was going to ask her to take a chance on me. I’d never imagined those scribbled words would lead her to me tonight.
“I wrote all that down the night you told me you were going to start dating Will. All day I’d tried to figure out how I was going to tell you I wanted us to take a chance and go for it. But when you made that announcement, you seemed so optimistic… I decided I shouldn’t tell you what I was feeling. But I’ve regretted that decision every day.”
Molly wrapped her hands around my face. “I would’ve chosen you, Declan. There’s no doubt in my mind. I wish you’d told me.”
Placing my hands over hers, I said, “I didn’t want to turn your life upside down when you’d made the decision I thought you wanted. My fears crept in fast. I convinced myself you were better off without me. Better off with him.”
“Why would you ever think that?”
It was hard to admit that my insecurities were to blame. “It had a lot to do with my fears about turning into my mother—how my future might affect you. I hadn’t told you about my depression at that point. I didn’t want to burden you with my issues. Not to mention, at the time, you were going through a lot with your dad, and I didn’t want to make things harder.”
She shook her head. “You could never be a burden to me. When you care about someone, you take all parts of them. It doesn’t scare me, Declan. And even if it did, it wouldn’t stop me from wanting to be with you. No one is perfect—certainly not me. As long as you let me be there for you and don’t shut me out, we can make it through anything.”
Her words brought me immense relief. “I know you mean that.” I nodded. “And I’m trying to work through my fears.”
We stared into each other’s eyes until Molly finally spoke.
“The day you hid the note under your bed… Maybe at that time I thought Will was what I wanted, but there’s never been a moment I wasn’t thinking about you, hoping we could be together. I was kidding myself believing things could work out between Will and me. This entire time, I’ve been falling in love with you. My inability to tell Will I loved him had nothing to do with my feelings for him, and everything to do with the fact that I love you.” She laughed. “It just took me a while to figure it out.”
I placed my forehead against hers. “I believe you’ve now told me you love me twice, and I haven’t said it once.” Not wanting to flub this, I kissed the top of her head and geared up to pour my heart out. “Molly, I love you so much. It’s why I went to Chicago—to tell you. Up until now, I’d been afraid you’d tell me to go back to Cali. I wasn’t gonna fight it if you were truly happy with him. But I’m so glad I went with my gut. If I’d known you felt this way about me, I would’ve been there a hell of a lot sooner.”
“It’s okay. We both had to figure this out in our own way.”
“We’ve been trying to get to the same place—to each other—but we’ve had a lot of missed connections along the way.”
“What now?” she asked.
“You tell me,” I said.
Molly reached up on her tiptoes to speak over my lips. “I want you right now. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.”
“Pretty sure if I don’t get to feel what it’s like to be inside you, I’m gonna explode.” I savored the sweet taste of her lips. Then I lifted her into my arms and carried her over to the bed, collapsing on top of her.
The second our bodies hit that mattress, the bed bounced us around as if we were in the middle of the goddamn ocean.
“What the fuck?” I yelled.
Molly fell into a fit of laughter. “What is this, 1985?” she cracked.
Belinda had a freaking waterbed! “What the fuck is she thinking?” Then I noticed something else. “Listen.” I paused with Molly still under me. “Do you hear that?”
It was the sound of the ocean. Belinda had some kind of setup where as soon as the bed moved, it triggered the sound of waves and seagulls.
It was fitting, with how topsy-turvy our relationship had been, that our first time would be in a waterbed that mimicked the ocean. Honestly, it didn’t matter where we were.
I began to devour Molly’s neck, speaking into her skin. “I can’t believe how long I’ve had to wait for this. You taste so fucking good.”
She gripped my back, digging her nails into me. “Please don’t go back to California…”
“I don’t want to be away from you.” I spoke over her lips. “We’ll figure it out, baby.”
We began to rip off each other’s clothes. With the sounds of the ocean still playing, we were now totally naked as Belinda’s waterbed tossed us around.
Desperate to taste Molly, I lowered my head to her pussy and spread her legs. She gasped as I began to lap at her tender clit. There was no easing into it. I was so hungry for her. Molly tasted sweeter than anything. Pushing her legs wider, I devoured her, harder and faster, before inserting my tongue. She pulled at my hair and guided my face deeper into her.
“Declan,” she panted.
All she needed was to say my name. I slid up to meet her lips. Molly moaned over my mouth, and within seconds, I was inside of her. My eyes rolled back. She was so wet and ready that I nearly came the second her pussy wrapped around my cock. This was something I never thought I’d get to feel. What started out slow soon turned into hard and fast, made even more intense by the rocking motion of the “water.” But I needed to feel her without the distraction of the bouncy bed.
I pulled out and led her onto the floor, grabbing a pillow to support her head. As I hovered over her, Molly placed her hand around my engorged cock and once again led me into her opening. She was so incredibly wet and warm. I’d always imagined what it might feel like, but this was better.
She tightened around me, and I nearly came. When she wrapped her legs around my back, allowing me even deeper into her, I almost lost it again.
Molly circled her hips to meet my thrusts. I closed my eyes in euphoria, unable to believe I’d almost let her go, almost never experienced this moment. The idea of that caused me to move even faster. She was every bit mine now.
Her hands wrapped around my ass as I pumped into her.
Molly’s screams of pleasure echoed throughout the big loft as she suddenly let go. It took everything in me not to explode, but I held on until the moment I felt her orgasm pulsate around me. I’d never made a woman come that fast before. It was beautiful to see her come undone.
I lost it soon after, diving into her in one hard thrust as I came.
We lay limp on the ground, quiet and sated.
I wanted to be with her like this every day, and that meant we needed to figure a lot of shit out. But I wouldn’t let it ruin tonight; this moment that was everything.
***
A few days later, Molly and I were back at the apartment in Chicago. We’d driven home the morning after our night at Belinda’s and had been holed up together ever since. We spent the majority of time in Molly’s bedroom “catching up” on lost time.
In our sex-induced haze, we were no closer to figuring out how exactly we were going to make this work. We both had jobs and family in different cities. I was supposed to start a new account in California at some point in the near future. Yet I didn’t want to leave Molly.
But tough decisions would have to wait. Because today was a special day. It was my girl’s birthday.
It was nearly 11AM. I left Molly sleeping and got up to make her French toast that I planned to bring into bed.
While the coffee was brewing, I decided to check her mail, which typically came early. Molly had mentioned she was waiting on a package to arrive today. Once downstairs, I found nothing but several envelopes in her mailbox.
As I made my way up the stairs, I sifted through her mail. There were a couple of bills and a birthday card from someone whose name I didn’t recognize. Then I noticed a card from someone whose name I did recognize—Molly’s dad.
I didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe he’d planned to send it before he passed away. But I braced myself for the emotions that were sure to come once she saw it.
Back in the apartment, I left the mail on her counter and resumed making breakfast.
Molly appeared in the kitchen before I had a chance to bring her breakfast in bed.
“Hey, birthday girl,” I said as I flipped a piece of French toast.
“Hey.” She rubbed her eyes and yawned. “Whatever you’re making smells amazing.”
“It’s your favorite. French toast. And it’s just the start of a bunch of things I have planned for you today.”
I wasn’t sure whether to tell her about the envelope from her dad now or wait until she ate her breakfast. Given the potential for sadness, I opted not to tell her until she ate.
“Sit. I’ll pour you some coffee.”
Molly pulled out her chair and let me wait on her. I served us breakfast and sat across from her.
We ate in silence, but the thoughts in my head grew louder by the second. One of us needed to give up our job and move if we were going to be together. After a moment, I somehow once again shoved all of the unanswered questions to the back of my mind, reminding myself that today was not the day to stress.
We cleaned our plates, and I walked over to the counter. “So…I went to check your mail. I know you were expecting something. No package came, but I did see this.” I handed her the envelope.
Molly examined it before her eyes widened. “It’s from my dad…”
“Yeah.”
She slowly opened the envelope and took out the card. She read the front and clutched it to her chest.
She handed it to me. “Will you read it to me?”
“Of course.” I began to read her father’s handwriting.
To my beautiful daughter,
If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m no longer on this physical Earth and had to miss your birthday. For that, I’m very sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things when it comes to you. But perhaps I am most sorry for the fact that I didn’t have enough time with you. I didn’t get to fully enjoy spending time with the adult woman you’ve become, the one I’ve been so proud of. I would have taken you to your favorite Italian restaurant today and let you talk while I listened. There’s nothing more I would want to do, especially at this moment—bed-ridden and unable to go out, let alone stomach something as delicious as one of those flatbread pizzas.
I worked very hard throughout my life, as you know, but in the end, I couldn’t take my career with me. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time with my children and less time working, as difficult as that is to do as a physician. If you have the opportunity in life to choose work or family, always choose family. Because not having spent enough time with mine is literally my only regret as I prepare to take the next step of my soul’s journey.
Live each day as if it’s your last, and make the most of your time with the people you love. Spend time getting to know your little sister. She’s going to need your guidance and love. I am certain Kayla will remarry someday, and that’s going to be extremely difficult for Siobhan. Unfortunately, because of me, you’ve been in that same predicament, and so you and Lauren will be able to comfort her in that respect. I love all of my children, but I worry the most about you, Molly. You’re the one with the biggest heart. And I hope you don’t have a single regret when it comes to me. I hope you let all of that go. I know you love me. Please don’t ever doubt whether you showed me that sufficiently. You did everything you could in my last days to prove the love you had for me had never left.
I can only wish that you find a man who loves you half as much as I do. Please don’t ever settle. You deserve someone who will love you with all his heart. And when you find that person, you’ll know. If you’re trying hard to figure out whether someone is the right one, I’ll tell you a secret: he’s not. Unless we’re talking about Declan. (Can you tell I like that guy?) I’m kidding, though. My opinion doesn’t matter. Follow YOUR heart, my love.
I have a few more cards written in my chemo-induced haze for your reading pleasure during subsequent birthdays. I wish I could have written you enough words to last a lifetime, but I hope you’ll cherish the ones I do send. And please know that wherever I am, I will always be with you.
Love, Dad
Molly was in tears. My own eyes felt watery. A feeling washed over me, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I walked over to my phone on the counter and dialed my boss, Ken, in California.
“What are you doing?” Molly asked.
“Taking your dad’s advice and putting the person I love first. I don’t want any regrets, Molly.”
Ken picked up. “Declan. Good to hear from you. Any idea on your ETA?”
“Yeah. Um…that’s what I’m calling about, Ken. We need to talk.”
“What’s going on?”
I looked at Molly and came out with it. “I’m really sorry to do this to you, but I have to give my notice.”
Her mouth dropped open.
Ken was silent. “Really? What happened? You get hired by Integrity? I knew they were recruiting my people, but—”
“No. No, that’s not it.”
“Why are you leaving us, then?”
“I don’t have anything lined up, but my girlfriend lives in Chicago, and I need to be where she is. I love her and don’t want to be apart from her. So this is not a matter of money or anything else. It’s just what I know is best.”
Molly continued to sit there with her mouth hanging open. She clearly hadn’t thought that I’d quit my job to be with her. But this was the right choice. I’d already known that in my heart. Her dad’s letter simply gave me the final push.
“Well…” he said. “If I were your age, I might have given you a speech about this being one of the biggest mistakes of your life, but I’ve lived long enough to know sometimes you need to follow your heart.”
I smiled. “Thank you for understanding. I hope you know that if you need my input on anything having to do with any of my previous accounts, I will always be available to you. I also hope I can count on you for a reference.”
“Of course, Declan. You’ve been a model employee. I wish you the best and hope you remain happy with your decision.”
I looked over at my girl and smiled. “I have no doubt.”
After I hung up, Molly wiped her tears as she came over to embrace me. “I can’t believe you just did that.”
“One of us had to. And I would never expect you to leave your little sister.” I lifted her up and squeezed her tight. “I love it here, Mollz—because you’re here. This was the decision I ultimately would have made, but your dad’s words made it so clear that I couldn’t wait another second.”
She leapt into my arms again. “I love you so much, Declan. You make me incredibly happy. And I know my dad is smiling down right now.”
I shook my head. “I hope this is enough to prove once and for all that I’m not gay.”
