Not Pretending Anymore Read Online By Vi Keeland - Read Not Pretending Anymore(33) Online free

CHAPTER 33

Declan

I had no idea if I was making the right decision. Sitting on the runway, I stared out the window while my heart pounded in my chest.

What if I’m too late?

What if she tells me she’s in love with him?

What if she can’t see a future for us as more than good friends?

The other alternative should have brought me relief…

What if she loves me back?

But instead, that thought made me sweat even more.

What if she loves me back?

What if she gave up the opportunity for a stable life with a decent guy, and all I could give her was long periods of darkness where getting out of bed to go to work was the best I could do?

What if things got worse and someday it affected my job, and I couldn’t even provide for us?

I stared at the cabin door. I was sitting in row seven, and people were still boarding the plane. The seat next to me hadn’t even been filled yet. If I wanted to, I could grab my bag from the overhead compartment and bolt out the door. Molly had no idea I was coming, so it wasn’t like she’d be disappointed.

Beads of sweat trickled down the back of my neck even though the AC was blowing right on me. I continued to watch passengers pass, inwardly freaking out as the plane filled up and my time to escape ticked away. At one point, a gigantic man stopped at my row of seats. He had to be at least six foot six and easily three-hundred pounds of muscle.

He lifted a suitcase into the overhead compartment and stepped into the empty aisle seat next to me. Buckling, he apologized. “Sorry if I encroach, man. I usually try to fly first class for the wider seats, but they didn’t have any open.”

“No problem.”

I kept staring at the cabin door.

“Nervous flier?” he asked.

I guess the guy noticed the anxiety wafting from every one of my pores. I let out an exasperated sigh. “Not usually.”

“Well, the weather’s supposed to be good today. Should be a smooth flight. Try not to stress.”

I nodded.

But a minute later, my leg started to bop up and down. The gap between people boarding began to space out. We’re almost done. Any minute now, that damn door was going to slam closed. I unbuckled my seatbelt and stood, then abruptly sat back down and raked my hands through my hair.

“You sure you’re alright?” my seatmate asked. “You’re making me a little nervous the way you’re acting.”

Shit. I guess I’d be freaked out watching someone act sketchy on a plane these days, too. “Sorry. Don’t mean to worry you. I just…I’m going to see someone, and I’m not sure I’m making the right decision.”

The tree trunk of a man actually looked a little relieved. He nodded. “Must be a woman?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, that explains why you look terrified.” He smiled. “You look like you might shit your pants. When I was six years old, my old man and my mom got into an argument. My old man was a big dude. He made me look tiny. He’d fucked up yet again—lost half his paycheck gambling, and Mom chased him out of the house. I’d been sitting out front on the porch, and he took the seat next to me and cracked open a beer. To this day, I’ve never forgotten what he said.”

“What?”

“He said, ‘Son, when you find a woman who scares the living hell out of you, marry her.’” The man chuckled. “My wife is five foot nothing, and I’m terrified of that little lady. Sometimes being scared of a woman can turn out to be the best thing in your life.”

I smiled halfheartedly. “Thanks.”

He nodded.

A few seconds later, the urge to flee felt like it was crushing my chest. I turned to my seatmate.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What’s up?”

“Don’t let me get off this plane.”

He arched a brow. “You sure about that?”

I blew out a deep breath. “Absolutely.”

Tree Trunk folded his arms across his chest and stretched his thick legs out to block my passage. “You got it.”

***

I decided to check into a hotel. It felt weird while I was in Chicago, but I didn’t want Molly to feel pressured by me staying with her. If we had our talk and she told me she didn’t want to be with me, what would happen? I’d say goodnight and go to sleep in the room next to hers? That felt wrong. So I’d checked into a Hampton Inn around the corner from the hospital where she worked. Since it was late, I decided to try to get a good night’s sleep and wait until tomorrow to make contact. I wasn’t sure if she was working or not, so I thought I’d call around the time she normally got off.

But get agood night’s sleep turned out to be an unrealistic expectation. Instead, I tossed and turned all night, still unsure if I was doing the right thing. I wanted the best for Molly, and in the end, that might not be me.

The morning light didn’t bring much clarity either. I went downstairs to the free breakfast at 6AM for some much-needed coffee. After sufficiently caffeinating, I stared down at my phone, trying to decide what to text to her. In the end, I went with simple.

Declan: Hey. Are you just getting off work? I was hoping we could talk.

I felt like I was in middle school as I watched the message go from Sent to Received to Read. My pulse raced, and I started to perspire again. At least I probably wouldn’t have to wait very long. Molly was usually pretty fast at responding to texts.

But a half hour later, she hadn’t written back. Rather than sit around and wait for my phone to chime, I hopped in the shower and started to get ready for work—which was a whole different can of worms. My boss, of course, knew I was coming back to Chicago. Two days ago, I’d told him I wanted to check in on how things were turning out before deciding whether or not to stay. He’d been great about the last-minute change. But he’d left it up to me to let Julia know, and I hadn’t done that yet. Obviously, I had some loose ends to deal with there, too.

By eight forty-five, it was time to leave for the office, and I still hadn’t heard from Molly. I knew she’d read my text, so I assumed maybe she was stuck in a delivery or something. I hated to leave for work without talking to her, but the ball was in her court now.

At the office, I found Julia in the conference room. The walls were all glass, so I could see in from the hall, but she was busy and didn’t notice me at first.

“Knock, knock,” I said opening the door.

“Declan!” Her whole face lit up. “What are you doing here?”

It looked like she’d been prepping for a meeting. A projector was set up at the head of the table, and she was placing packets of papers in front of each seat. But seeing me at the door, she stopped and rushed over. Since the conference room was a fishbowl, she looked outside in the hallway to check whether the coast was clear before reaching up and wrapping her arms around my neck. Julia pushed her tits up against my chest and came in for a kiss. Luckily, I managed to turn my head in time, and her lips landed on my cheek instead.

Ben, one of the two junior account executives they’d sent to replace me, came walking down the hall, so I lifted my chin and cleared my throat. “Ben.”

Julia probably assumed that was why I’d avoided the lip-lock and stepped back.

“Hey, Declan. How are you?” Ben said. “Julia didn’t mention you were coming.”

“She didn’t know.”

Julia beamed. “He surprised me.”

Great.Now she thought I’d wanted to surprise her rather than avoid talking to her.

“Does that mean I’m heading back to corporate early?”

I nodded. “It might. I told corporate we’d get together and see where things are and how many hands we need here before the launch.”

Julia’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, I know exactly the hands I need and where.”

Shit.

I was relieved when people started to file into the conference room for the meeting. It gave me a chance to escape Julia’s claws, but also and more importantly, to check my phone. Julia loved to put on a good show, so I took a seat and let her bask in the limelight while I surreptitiously stared at my cell, hoping to see a new message pop up.

The meeting lasted more than two long hours, but it wasn’t until five minutes before the end that my phone finally buzzed. My blood started to pump. But it was only Belinda checking in on me. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I responded as vaguely as I could without lying.

Belinda: How you doing, cowboy?

I texted back.

Declan: Hanging in there. Waiting to talk to Molly now.

Belinda: Go get ’em, loverboy. Let all us girls know how you make out. We’re rooting for you.

Great. Now I was going to let down an entire lesbian bar if I struck out with Molly.

After the meeting broke up, people who had come in late stopped to say hello and welcome me back. When it was just Julia, me, and the two other account execs from corporate, she turned her focus back to me. “Why don’t you and I get an early lunch to catch up?”

“Umm…” I glanced down at my phone, which still had no new notifications, and nodded. “Sure. That’s a good idea.”

We walked to a deep-dish pizza joint two blocks from the office. Julia requested a booth, and a waitress came over to deliver waters and pass us each a menu. The minute she was gone, Julia got up from the other side of the table and slid into my side of the booth.

“What are you doing?” I looked over at her, confused.

She grinned, and suddenly I felt a hand on my thigh beneath the table.

“Uh, that’s not a good idea.”

She slid her hand up farther and cupped my junk. “No one can see.”

I covered her hand and removed it from between my legs. “Do you think you can sit on the other side so we can talk?”

She pouted. “All business and no fun makes Declan a dull boy.”

But when I didn’t acquiesce, she rolled her eyes and sighed. She also moved back across from me.

“Listen, Julia. You’re a great girl, but…”

She blinked a few times, and then her head reared back like she’d been slapped. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“You’re going to give me the it’s not you, it’s me speech?”

“Well…I…we…” I sighed and ripped the Band-Aid off. “I’m sorry. I met someone. And I’m really crazy about her.”

“In Wisconsin?” She folded her arms across her chest. “That was fast.”

I shook my head. “No, here in Chicago.”

“What do you mean here in Chicago? How long have you been back?”

“I just got in last night.”

“So how did you meet someone here in Chicago?”

I dragged a hand through my hair. “I’m in love with Molly.”

Her entire face twisted. “Molly? As in your roommate?”

I nodded.

“When did this happen?”

God, this sucked. But I owed Julia the truth. “I guess it happened over time, while I was living here. It was slow, but then it sort of hit me all at once.”

She shook her head. “So you’re telling me while we were hooking up, you were falling in love with another woman?”

It sounded awful when she said it like that, but it was also the truth. I hung my head and let her get it out. She had every right.

Julia raised her voice. “I broke up with my boyfriend for you!”

“I’m sorry. I liked you. I really did. This thing with Molly—it was very unexpected.”

“You know what else wasn’t expected?”

She stood, pulled her pocketbook onto her shoulder, and took two steps to my side of the booth. Then she picked up the large glass of ice water the waitress had left and dumped the entire thing onto my lap before storming out.

Well, that went well.

***

The next morning, I woke with a bad feeling in my gut. I still hadn’t heard from Molly, even though I’d sent a second text last night. Again she’d read my message, but hadn’t responded. I started to get worried, so I’d followed up with a call. But that went straight to voicemail. It wasn’t a good sign when the woman you flew into town to profess your love to wouldn’t even text or call you back.

Though, for some reason, being back in Chicago had a surprising effect on me. I’d started to feel surer than ever that I needed to come clean with Molly and put my heart on the line. So rather than send a third text that would keep me staring at my phone all day, I decided to go find her.

Molly’s normal shift ended at seven, so I went to the hospital and waited out front. A slew of people dressed in scrubs walked in and out, but there was no sign of the woman I’d come to see. Just as I was about to leave, I noticed a familiar face come through the door.

“Emma?” I called.

Her brows pulled together for a second before she recognized me. “Declan, right?”

I nodded and walked toward her. “Yeah. How you doing?”

Emma had been walking with another nurse, and she turned and told her she’d see her tomorrow.

“What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Are you visiting someone?”

I shook my head. “I’m actually looking for Molly. Did you happen to see her today? I’m not sure if she’s working or not.”

Emma frowned. “She wasn’t on last night. Though I saw her name on the schedule earlier in the week, so I asked our supervisor. She said Molly had requested a few days off.”

“Oh? Is she okay?”

Emma looked at me with what could only be described as pity. “Yeah, I texted her to check in and ask if everything was alright. She said she went out of town for a few days—a mini vacation of some sort, I guess.”

“Out of town? Did she say where?”

Emma shook her head. “We were really busy last night, so I didn’t get a chance to text back. Once I knew she was okay, I figured I’d check in with her when I got off today.”

Well, this news sucked, but I guess that’s what I got for showing up unannounced. “Thanks, Emma.”

“Do you want me to let Molly know you’re looking for her when I text her later?”

It dawned on me that Molly had found time to text her friend back, but not me. My theory that she was busy went flying out the window.

“No, it’s okay. Thanks.”

“Alright. You take care, Declan.”

She turned away, but I needed to know one more thing. “Emma?”

She turned back.

“Did you happen to see Will Daniels on tonight?”

She frowned again. “No, he wasn’t on either. Sorry.”

After that, I wasn’t quite ready to go to the office. I decided to take a ride out to the lake. When I got there, I sat on the concrete wall that ran along the sand and looked out at the water.

Where was I going from here? Back to California? It was screwed up, but the place where I’d lived my entire life no longer felt like home. I used to think home was where all of my shit was stored. But now, home felt more like where my heart resided. And that was in Chicago with Molly. Leaving here would be leaving it behind. I couldn’t imagine ever having another use for it, so maybe it didn’t matter where the hell I left it.

I wound up sitting on that wall for hours. I didn’t even call or text Julia to let her know I would be late to the office. I doubted she was anxiously waiting for me to show up anyway, unless perhaps there was another glass of ice water nearby. At noon, my phone buzzed in my pocket. It was the first time in the last few days I hadn’t gotten that rush of excitement, thinking it might be Molly. Because now I knew she was most likely away with Will. Nevertheless, I dug out my cell.

Belinda’s name flashed on the screen. I debated not answering, because what was I going to tell her? That I’d waited too long and failed? I hated to disappoint yet another person. But before I could decide, it stopped ringing. A moment later, it started to ring again, and the same name flashed on the screen.

So I took a deep breath and swiped to answer.

“Hey, Belinda.”

“Where the hell are you, cowboy?”

“I’m in Chicago, down by the lake.”

“Well, I just opened up for the day, and guess what? A gorgeous woman was my first customer. Little thing made my heart do a pitter-patter.”

I smiled. “That’s great, Belinda.”

“It sure is. Beautiful woman walks into a lesbian bar and smiles at me. I was thinking this was my lucky day. So you know what I did?”

“What?”

“I hit on her. Used one of my best, tried-and-true lines.”

“Good for you.”

“Not really.”

“How come?”