The Guardian by Diana Knightley
Thirty-four - Magnus
We got intae our room and she was quiet as she undressed for bed. I sat on the edge of the bed with m’back tae her, takin’ off my shoes and kilt tae climb under the covers. I did it quickly because twas verra cold in our rooms.
She undressed tae her shift and quietly climbed under the covers and then shifted closer against me, her arms around my head, her leg upon m’side. She held my face against her breast and clung tae me, and then I felt her body tremble and there was a catch in her throat.
“Och, Kaitlyn, are ye cryin’?”
She nodded.
“Why are ye sad?”
“I’m not, I’m mad, I’m so mad at you — right now, you are going to die. You’re going to leave me and the kids and die, in this godforsaken castle in the middle of the eighteenth century, and you’ll have done it without one single thought for me.”
I pulled myself away. “What are ye sayin’?”
“That you are wasting away... becoming weaker. Your heart is not growing stronger. I think this mountain, the hoard of vessels, it’s changing you. You’re not fixing this motherfucking mess, you’re just content to die, and I don’t know why.”
“Ye ken why. I canna fight, Kaitlyn, nae when I am winded on the stairs. Tis nae fair tae say this tae me.”
“I want to take you to a doctor. I want to take you to a doctor first thing tomorrow morning. I demand that you let me take you to a doctor.”
“Tis easy tae say, mo reul-iuil. Where is this doctor, when?”
“I don’t know, perhaps we go to the year 2025. We go to New York and I drive you straight to the hospital. We worry about everything else after that.”
“Ye ken we will be found.”
“See, you’re going to tell me no. You’re going to act like I’m being unreasonable, but it’s not unreasonable to say, Magnus. You have a whole lot of people who rely on you and you need to stay alive for us. You might not be able to swing a sword right now, but you can damn sure go to a doctor and see what they can do to help your heart.”
I let out a long low exhale then flung the covers off and sat up. “M’heart is fine, I daena need a doctor. I ken ye mean well, but ye are making demands of me that would put our family in danger.”
Kaitlyn said, “Then what do we need to do to this fucking world so we don’t have to hide anymore? Tell me what it is, what are we going to do? Wait for your heart to get better and then... what?”
“I daena ken.”
“Growing up we used to play a game called Hide-and-Seek. Do you know it?”
“Aye, I played it with the boys and Fraoch last summer.”
“Who was left hiding at the end?”
“Fraoch, we couldna find him for the longest time.”
“It’s not a fun game when you’re the last one hiding. It’s not fun at all. It totally sucks. I hate that part of the game. And I forget that I hate it, I get into the hiding place full of excitement that I’ve picked the best one, and then a while later I’ve grown paranoid and fearful. I’m startling at sounds. I was in control, I was the hider, and then I became the hunted. I hate that part.”
Kaitlyn pulled the covers up to her chin against the cold. “And then when you’re hiding you can try to get to home base, but that’s complicated. You can’t see home base. You don’t know if someone has stopped hunting for you and is just sitting there waiting for you to give up your hiding place. That’s the exact same situation we find ourselves in now.”
“What dost ye propose we do?”
“We run to home base. We can do it by stealth or we can wave our arms and scream but we need to go to home base.”
I said, “Kaitlyn, when we came up with this plan, we decided it taegether. We talked it through.”
“I know, and I make mistakes all the time — this is one of them. I made a mistake. Hiding here was not the best idea. My husband is ill and I’m fucking worried I will be burying him on the hillside and I—”
I stood up and flicked the covers down. “I am going tae the walls, I canna listen tae this.”
“Then tell me I am wrong! Tell me that you aren’t going to die, that I’m worried over nothing.”
“I winna play along with this game, Kaitlyn, where ye are tae tell me what tae do because ye are afraid of life and death and I am supposed tae jump tae where ye tell me tae go. I hae tae keep an entire castle of people safe. Ye are being verra unfair tae me.”
“I’m scared.”
“I ken ye are scared, I am doin’ the best I can tae keep ye safe.”
“I don’t want you to keep me safe. I want you to take one damn moment and stop thinking about everyone in your life and for once think of yourself, keep yourself safe, do that for me. That’s what I want.”
I shook my head. “Ye are asking me tae give up our safe house, tae expose ourselves tae Sir Padraig’s wrath. I winna do it. When the time is right I will fight for m’kingdom, until then I winna allow ye tae steer me from m’course. This is what I must do.”
“What if you’re wrong, Magnus? I know it’s rare, but what if you’re wrong? What if you’re miscalculating with your life?”
I exhaled.
She said, “It’s too great a risk.”
“Tis a risk I will hae tae take. Ye will hae tae ken, Kaitlyn, that I hae done this because I believed twas what I needed tae do. I hae always put ye first, the bairns first. Always. Ye ken it, right?”
She nodded. “I do.”
“Good. I daena need a doctor. When I do need one I promise I will go without argument.”
“Thank you, I’m sorry I pushed you.”
“I’m sorry I got so upset.” I looked around the room. “I am goin’ tae dress, I daena think I can sleep now. I will go ahead and take a turn on the walls.”
She said, “I love you.”
“I love ye too, mo reul-iuil. Sleep tight.” I leaned over and kissed her goodnight.