Once a Wife by Patricia Keelyn
CHAPTER NINE
The next few weeks passed quickly for Sarah.
It was a bittersweet time. Caught between missing Lyssa and not wanting to leave Drew, Sarah’s moods swung from one extreme to the other. Then there was Reece. Always Reece, in her thoughts, in her dreams. She couldn’t escape her feelings for him. She loved him. It seemed as though she’d always loved him and had never stopped. Yet she knew that for years, before she’d come back to the Crooked C to help her son, she’d managed to keep her love locked away, hidden, even from herself.
All it had taken to bring it back was seeing him again. Fortunately, Reece had kept his word. He no longer hovered. In fact, except at dinner, she barely saw him. Millie had adjusted her schedule to accommodate him, and he’d started eating with them in the evening. He’d ask about Drew’s progress, but it was a far cry from his earlier interrogations. Sarah often wondered if she’d have been able to tough it out if the situation with Reece had remained as volatile as it had been in that first week. She told herself she was lucky she never had to find out, but sometimes she wondered.
Lyssa’s letters helped. She wrote her mother several times a week. They were short notes, filled with news of Tuwa and Joseph Bright Eagle and his sons and grandsons. For Lyssa, staying with Tuwa was like being away at summer camp—the very best kind of vacation—because her days were spent with the horses. Hers was a simple, straightforward world, and it made Sarah smile every time she read one of her daughter’s accounts of events on the reservation.
As for Drew, he became more and more adept at his studies, mastering concepts as easily as any of her best students. Every now and then, she’d have to remind herself that he’d heard all this stuff before. In a classroom. More than likely, he’d absorbed more of it than either he or his teachers had realized.
Over and above his schoolwork, Sarah enjoyed his company. Half the time she almost forgot about the secrets she kept from him. Not that he was a perfect angel—far from it. In fact, she’d worry about any twelve-year-old boy who didn’t misbehave now and then. He had his days and his moods.
One afternoon in particular, he’d reminded her he was still very much a child. A child who hurt. He’d wanted to spend the day out by the creek. They’d been working on a particularly difficult set of math concepts, and Sarah thought that, under the circumstances, they needed to stay inside. In typical preteen fashion, he’d punished her by sulking and being irritable throughout the lesson. Then, when she’d reminded him about his afternoon snack, he’d gotten angry.
“You don’t have to tell me every time!” he snapped, shoving away from the desk and crossing the room to plop himself on the corner of his bed. “I know when I’m supposed to eat.”
“Well, good,” she said. “Then you won’t forget.”
“I never forget.”
“Is that so?” She’d been wanting to talk to him about his diabetes for weeks, but this wasn’t exactly how she’d planned to broach the subject. Nor was he in the mood she’d have preferred. Well, she’d learned long ago that with kids, you didn’t always get to pick your times. You took the opportunity when it arose. “According to Miss Adams—”
“What does she know?”
“According to Miss Adams,” Sarah started again patiently, “four or five times last month, your sugar level dropped so low you had an insulin reaction. She said she had to give you sugar cubes. And once, you almost passed out.”
“So?”
“So why did you do it?”
“You make it sound like I did it on purpose.”
Sarah crossed her arms on the desk and stared at her stubborn son. “Didn’t you?” Sometimes he reminded her so much of his father. Especially at times like this, when he dug his heels in about something.
“Are you trying to cause an insulin reaction today by not eating?” she asked. “Are you checking up on me to see how long it will take before I notice you’re sick? Or testing me to see if I’ll get something in your system before you pass out? Or maybe you’re just trying to make yourself sick enough to get out of doing your math problems. Which is it?”
“You don’t know anything about it.”
“Then explain it to me.” She leaned back in her chair and waited for him to start talking.
At first, he didn’t say anything. He just sat there, picking at a loose thread on his bedspread. Just when Sarah thought maybe she’d pushed him too far, he said, “I hate it.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “What? The diabetes?”
“Yeah.” He looked ill at ease, but evidently his need to talk outweighed his discomfort. “The dumb shots. And checking my blood sugar three or four times a day. Who needs it?”
“You do,” she answered softly.
He finally looked at her, his anger and pain evident in every rigid muscle of his body. “It’s not fair!”
“You’re right.” Sarah’s heart ached for him. “It’s not fair. But—”
“I know what you’re going to say. ‘Who said life was fair?’” He rolled his eyes, bright with unshed tears. “That’s Grandmother’s favorite line.”
Sarah smiled sadly. For once, she agreed with Elizabeth. “What else does your grandmother say?”
“Oh, you know, dumb stuff like living with the hand you’re dealt.” He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “Well, I’m sick of it.”
“I’m so sorry, Drew.”
He went on as if she hadn’t spoken. “I’ve always got to watch what I eat. If someone has a birthday cake or something at school, do you think I get any? No way! The teachers make sure I don’t slip up. They’re afraid my sugar count might get too high. Maybe I’ll go into a coma or something. Like that would happen from one dumb piece of cake.” He shook his head, and the tears slipped from his eyes. He wiped at them furiously with the back of his hand. “And forget birthday parties. I never even get invited. What would they do with poor sick little Drew Colby when it came time to serve cake and ice cream?”
His cynicism nearly broke her heart. No child, no twelve-year-old, should be forced to see things this clearly.
“Other kids get to eat anything they want.” Again, the anger flashed across his face, before he gave in to the tears. “I want to be like everyone else.”
She couldn’t fight it any longer—she crossed the room and put her arms around him. He resisted at first, trying to pull away from her, but she held on until he finally gave in—as much as any twelve-year-old boy can—and remained in her arms, his face buried against her shoulder. Sarah held him, absorbing his silent sobs while savoring the feel of him, the small frame that usually seemed so sturdy, the sweaty little-boy smell, and the tears no mother wanted to see. She’d needed to hold him for so long. Not like this, though. Not like this.
When he calmed down, Sarah reluctantly released him. “Are you okay?”
He nodded once and pulled up the collar of his T-shirt, wiping his eyes and face. Sarah winced, but refrained from reminding him what tissues were for.
“Miss Hanson,” he said, embarrassment taking over now that he’d gotten past the tears. “You won’t tell Dad, will you?”
“This is just between us, Drew.” She couldn’t stop her hand from reaching out to brush the heavy dark hair away from his forehead.
“I mean, don’t tell him … you know … I got upset or nothing.”
Sarah smiled sadly. Little boys and men, and their foolish male pride. “I promise. I won’t tell a soul.”
He nodded his thanks.
“You know, Drew …” She hesitated, not sure whether her own story would help or make things worse. Then she decided that if it didn’t help now, he might remember it sometime in the future, and it might help him then. “When I was growing up, I was different from all the other kids, too.”
He looked at her doubtfully. “I thought you lived with your grandmother on the reservation?”
Sarah nodded. “I did. And my grandmother was very good to me. But I didn’t really belong. I’m only half-Indian.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“When you look at me,” she said, “what do you see?”
Drew shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re a lady …”
“Do you see an Indian?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”
“When the other children on the reservation looked at me, they saw a white girl.”
“But—”
“My hair and skin are too light, my face too narrow.” She noticed him looking at her more closely. “I was different—neither white nor Indian.”
“Were they mean?”
Sarah shook her head. “No. Oh, every now and then, one of them would take a potshot at me—probably the way they do at you. But children do that to each other no matter what. It was nothing excessive. The thing is, I knew I was different. Just as you know you’re different.”
She let him think about that for a moment and then reached over and lifted his chin so he had to look at her. “You’ve got to do a favor for me, Drew.”
He eyed her warily.
Dropping her hand, she smiled and again started to brush at his hair, but stopped herself this time. “It’s not a tough favor. All you have to do is listen to me, and think about what I’m saying.”
“Okay.” He didn’t sound sure.
“Your grandmother’s right. You have to live with the diabetes.” He started to say something, but she held up a hand. “I know it’s not fair. But you don’t have a choice. The only choice you do have is whether to live a long healthy life by taking care of yourself. Or whether to make yourself sick by fighting it, to lose a limb or go blind, or go into kidney failure.”
She knew he’d heard all this before, and it nearly broke her heart that she couldn’t pull him back into her arms and tell him more lies. She wished she could tell him that she’d make everything better, that this disease he’d been born with would go away. But she couldn’t. Of all the lies she’d told her son, that would be the cruelest.
Instead, she said, “But I’ll be here for you,” though she knew even this wouldn’t be true for long. “Anytime you need to rant and rave at this condition you’re stuck with, you come to me.” She reached out and pushed the hair from his face. “You can be as angry as you want. And it’ll be our secret.”
Afterward, Sarah thought about Elizabeth Colby and the advice she’d given her grandson. It seemed out of character for the woman Sarah thought she knew. Of course, how well did she really know Elizabeth? They’d only spoken to each other three times. The first time had been when Reece had brought Sarah home to introduce her as his wife. She’d been seventeen and Reece eighteen. Then there’d been the day Elizabeth had shown up at that miserable apartment in Laramie and offered Sarah ten thousand dollars to desert her husband and son. And finally, their unsettling confrontation a few weeks ago.
Certainly, she’d seen Elizabeth at her worst.
But then there was Drew. A strong boy, living with an incurable disease, struggling every day of his life to come to terms with the differences between himself and every other child he knew. And it had been Elizabeth who had raised him, taught him to deal with it. Sarah had a feeling her son was an example of the best of Elizabeth Colby.
As the summer wore on, Reece struggled with his promise to stay out of Sarah’s way. Not that he didn’t trust her as a teacher. He’d seen for himself how good she was with Drew. It was Sarah, the woman, Reece avoided. Even though he would have liked to join her every now and then—when she headed out with Drew to the creek for the afternoon, or when she sat on the corral fence in the evening spoiling his horses. He wanted to talk to her about Drew somewhere other than at the dinner table with other ears present. Hell, he wanted to press her up against a wall again and kiss her silly.
And that was why he kept his promise.
Because he couldn’t trust himself. He couldn’t guarantee that if he spent more time with her he wouldn’t do exactly that—kiss her until they both forgot everything but each other. So he kept his distance, funneling all his spare time and energy into Drew.
Then the first day of August dawned clear, bright, and hot. The next day, Drew was supposed to take his test to see if he’d be starting seventh grade or returning to the sixth grade in the fall. He was a wreck, and Tod had told him to forget his chores for the day and sent him in early to work with Sarah. Reece had a different idea.
Sarah and Drew had evidently just started working when he interrupted them. Strolling into the room, he settled himself on a corner of Drew’s bed. “Well, son, are you ready?”
Drew shrugged.
Sarah sprang to his defense immediately, making Reece smile. “He’s going to do fine,” she said. “He’s been studying hard for the past six weeks.”
“That’s good,” Reece said, though he wondered if it was the mother or the teacher in her who was speaking. Either way, it didn’t change his plans for the day. Rising from the bed, he crossed to Drew’s desk and shut the book he’d been reading. “I think you both deserve a little time off.”
“But I can’t, Dad. Tomorrow is—”
“I know what tomorrow is.” Reece rested his hand on Drew’s shoulder and tried to reassure him. “If you don’t know enough to pass that test by now, Drew, you’re not going to learn it today.” Reece gave the boy’s shoulder a squeeze. “Besides, when you’ve prepared for something as hard as you’ve prepared for this test, it’s best to take off the day before. It gives you a chance to relax, so you’ll be at your best.” Turning to Sarah, he asked, “What do you think? Does Drew deserve a day off?”
She looked surprised that he’d asked her opinion, and it took her a moment to answer. “I think it’s a great idea.”
“Good.” Reece squeezed Drew’s shoulder again. “Because I have something special in mind.” And he planned to break his promise to Sarah in the process.
Drew hesitated a moment, obviously still worried, and then he brightened. “Are we going to go to the creek?”
“Nope. I’ve got a better idea.” Reece smiled mysteriously, first for Drew and then for Sarah. He knew just how to tempt her. “How about Devils Tower? I don’t believe Miss Hanson has ever been there.” Sarah’s eyes lit up, and he knew he’d guessed right. Devils Tower was considered a sacred place to the Indian tribes who’d once roamed these hills. The Shoshone were no exception.
“You’re right,” she said. “I’ve never been there, but I’ve always wanted to go.”
“Then it’s settled,” Reece said, heading for the door.
“Wait,” Sarah said. “You and Drew should go alone. Spend the day together.”
Reece started to argue, but Drew saved him the trouble. “I’ve been there plenty,” he said. “It’s really neat. You gotta see it.”
Sarah glanced at Reece, who said, “It’s his day.” Come on, Sarah, he thought. Just this once. One day for Drew.
She didn’t disappoint him. After a moment, she smiled. “Okay.”
“All right!” Drew cheered, and Reece knew exactly how he felt.
Within the hour, the three of them set out in Reece’s truck for Devils Tower, the nation’s first national monument.
They caught their first glimpse of it as they headed north on Highway 24. They rounded a bend, and it rose from the horizon, a lone mass of gray rock standing like a sentinel over the surrounding valley. Even from a distance, it took Reece’s breath away, reminding him of all the legends he’d heard told around campfires about this place. Then another curve, and it disappeared. The tower played hide-and-seek with them for miles, growing larger each time it emerged, only to vanish again.
Suddenly, it dominated its surroundings. They’d reached the boundaries of the national monument. Reece pulled into the parking lot, and Sarah hardly seemed to notice the large number of people milling about. She had eyes only for the tower.
“Mato Tepee,” she whispered.
“Bear Lodge,” Reece translated for Drew. “It’s the Indian name for the tower. The Indians have worshiped here for centuries.”
Sarah smiled at him, obviously pleased he remembered.
“Come on,” Drew said as he jumped out of the truck and grabbed Sarah’s hand. “You gotta see the movie at the Visitors’ Center first. It’ll tell you all kinds of neat junk. You know, like history and stuff.”
Sarah’s laughter floated through the air, warming Reece’s insides. She cast him one final smile and let Drew drag her toward the Visitors’ Center. Neither adult enlightened Drew about her extensive knowledge of Devils Tower.
For most of her life, Sarah had heard stories about this holy place. She’d always wanted to visit, but as a child, they’d never had the means. Later she’d just never seemed able to find the time. Or maybe it was more that Devils Tower was too close to the Crooked C, her son, and Reece Colby. Either way, she knew Reece had brought her now because he knew how much seeing Mato Tepee meant to her.
After their brief stop at the center, they spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. And for a few hours, Sarah felt part of a real family. If she closed her eyes, she could almost convince herself that this would last, that it was for more than just one day. She could even stretch it and imagine Lyssa with them, teasing Drew and asking her father dozens of questions.
Once, as Drew ran ahead, Reece took her hand to help her over some rocks, and she caught his gaze. She knew for that instant, they shared the fantasy. They both wished today was real.
Then Drew came running back to them, shattering the moment, and they both returned to reality.
They hiked the mile-and-a-half Tower Trail that circled the base of the tower, taking two side paths: one to see the nearby Missouri Buttes, a set of five dome-shaped buttes northwest of the tower; and the other for a spectacular view of the Belle Fourche River. They looked through the peephole to see the old wooden ladder Will Rogers had used to climb to the top of the tower. And when they came up on Durrance Crack, the most popular modern route to the top, they stood for a while and watched a group of climbers start their ascent up the steep rock walls.
“When I get older,” Drew said, “I’m going to climb to the top and spend the night up there.”
Sarah looked at Reece, and they both groaned.
“Come on,” Reece said, throwing his arm around Drew’s shoulders and leading him away. “We’ll discuss that in a few years.”
“How about twenty?” Sarah added laughingly.
They continued their hike, and Sarah reveled in the beauty and variety of the flora and fauna. Pines and aspens and burr oaks. Queen Anne’s lace and wild roses. And scurrying amidst it all were squirrels and chipmunks, raccoons and beavers. It was if the animals knew this valley was sacred, and so chose to make it their home.
As the afternoon wound down, they went to eat at Mato Village, a restaurant at the park entrance. Afterward, Reece found a spot alongside the road, and they settled with blankets in the back of the truck to wait for dusk. Slowly, the sun set, transforming the tower to a rich golden red. Tears slipped from Sarah’s eyes as she watched, grateful for having shared this day and this sight with Reece and Drew. She only wished that Lyssa could have been here with them.
She glanced at Reece, and, apparently sensing her eyes on him, he turned to look at her. The expression on his face told her more than words. He, too, had been shaken by the beauty of this place.
Long after the surrounding hills no longer picked up the shades of rose, the tower still glowed. Then full night fell, and the stark stone tower stood out against the dark sky. Bold. Beautiful. A triumph of nature.
Sarah was the first to notice that Drew had fallen asleep. Reaching over to Reece, she tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. “Your son’s asleep,” she whispered.
Reece smiled lovingly at Drew. “So he is.”
It took some maneuvering to get the sleeping twelve-year-old out of the back of the truck and into the cab without waking him. Somehow, Reece managed. Then they rode in silence back to the ranch, Drew curled up on the seat between them, his head on Sarah’s lap.
When they got home, Sarah opened and closed doors as Reece carried Drew into the house. In his room, Sarah pulled back the covers and then reluctantly backed away as Reece laid Drew on the bed. She wanted to stay, to help the father of her child get him ready for the night. Then she wanted to tuck the covers around him and kiss him.
It was one fantasy she couldn’t indulge.
The day had ended and it was time to remember her position here. Drew’s tutor.
She waited in the hall until Reece came out. When he spotted her, he stopped short and closed Drew’s door softly behind him. He searched her face, and she felt the hunger in him as surely as if he’d been pressed against her.
“Let’s go outside,” he said.
She wanted to say yes, to suggest they finish the day together as they’d started it. Instead, she took a step back and shook her head. “No. I’m tired and need to go to bed.” If she went outside with him, she knew what would happen. They would end up making love, and she’d lose the few remaining pieces of her heart. She couldn’t allow that to happen. “I just wanted to tell you how special today was.”
He nodded without saying anything.
“Anyway,” she said, suddenly feeling awkward, “I’ll be leaving soon. The day after tomorrow, after Drew takes and passes his test. And … well, I want to know if I can write to him.”
Reece looked surprised, but before he could answer, she hurried on, “I won’t tell him who I am.” She reached out and laid her hand on his arm. “I just want to keep in touch. An occasional card or note.” She hated begging, but she would if that was what it took.
She couldn’t leave here knowing she’d never see or talk to her son again.
Reece covered her hand with his. “This has been very hard on you, hasn’t it?”
She didn’t know how to answer. Of all the things she’d thought he might say to her, she’d never considered this. That he’d notice how difficult it had been. Yet … “Some of it has been wonderful,” she said truthfully. “You gave me an opportunity to get to know my son.”
“But not all of it has been good.”
“No. It’s been hard, too.” Harder than he’d ever know. Not just because of Drew, but because of Lyssa, too. “Living a lie.”
“I’m sorry.”
She nodded, holding back the emotions—and the tears—threatening to spill out. Then, taking a deep breath, she asked again, “Can I write to him?”
“Yes.”
Relieved, Sarah released her breath. “Thank you.” Then quickly, before she could change her mind about going outside with Reece, she turned and fled into her room, closing and locking the door behind her. Leaning against the solid barrier, she waited for the sound of his retreating footsteps on the hardwood floors. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, she heard him leave and she was finally able to breathe normally, knowing she’d barely escaped.
The next morning, Drew asked Sarah if she would take him into town for his test. He said he didn’t want to drag his dad away from the ranch. At first, Reece objected. Then Sarah took him aside and explained why Drew didn’t want him there. If Drew messed up, he didn’t want his father to witness it.
So Sarah and Drew headed into Devils Corner alone to meet with Rebecca Adams. Drew remained quiet during the drive. Sarah hated to see him so worried about this test, but there was nothing more she could do. He’d learned as much as one child could possibly absorb in six weeks. It would have to be enough.
As they entered her classroom, Miss Adams rose from her chair and greeted them. “Miss Hanson, Drew, you’re right on time.” Then turning to Drew, she said, “Miss Hanson tells me you’ve been working hard.”
Drew shrugged—his standard answer to anything he didn’t want to talk about.
Sarah smiled at the other teacher. “He’s not going to have any trouble today.”
“I’m sure you’re right.” Picking up some papers, Rebecca motioned toward one of the student desks. “Shall we get started, Drew? Or do you need to eat something first?”
Irritation crossed Drew’s features, and Sarah started to say something. Drew beat her to it. “I can start now, Miss Adams. I ate in the car. I’m good until around noon.”
Sarah’s smile broadened. She knew he hated being given special treatment, even though Rebecca had only meant to be considerate. Maybe he’d realized that, because this time, he’d handled it well. Sarah considered taking Rebecca aside later and telling her not to single him out, but decided against it. Drew would learn to deal with her, and with all the other well-meaning people he’d meet in his life, in his own way.
“Well,” she said, backing toward the door. “I brought a book. I’ll just sit out in the hall and read.”
“Oh, I meant to tell you,” Rebecca said, “there’s no need to wait. I’ll bring Drew home when we’re done here.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“It’s no problem. My place is out that way, and besides, I’d like to meet his father.”
Sarah glanced at Drew, who nodded. “It’s okay with me, Miss Hanson.” He was being brave. She knew it. Every maternal instinct shouted at her to wait for him. Instead, she decided to let him be strong. “Okay, then. I’ll see you back at the ranch.”
Sarah made her way out of the school, telling herself she was doing the right thing. When she stepped outside, she saw dark clouds gathered ominously on the western horizon.
Shivering, despite the August heat, she hurried to her car.
