Chains by Kristine Allen

“Rear  View  Mirror”—Deadset  Society

When Ghost, Angel, and I had gone to lunch after I’d done Jasmine’s ink, Angel had casually asked if things were okay between me and his sister. I played innocent, despite the betrayal that nearly choked me.

Except now he’d caught her in my room, and I thought I was likely a dead man.

“Goddamn, Angel. Chill the fuck out. She stopped by to have me look at her tattoo. The plastic came off and it was bleeding. She wanted to make sure it was okay.” I pulled out a vape and hit it before I shoved it back in my pocket.

Pretty sure none of them believed my excuse, but I sure as fuck wasn’t admitting I’d been banging Angel’s sister every chance I got.

“You can all leave. Show’s over,” I said with a sneer to my brothers still warily observing.

They looked from me to Angel with disbelieving glances.

“It’s all good,” Angel said with a huff.

For a moment, the debate in their eyes was plain as day. Once they decided we weren’t gonna kill each other, they relaxed. Everyone but Ghost and Phoenix went back to the party.

“You think I’m stupid, Chains?” Angel asked me as he tipped his head back and stared down his nose at me.

“I’ve never once said I thought you were stupid, Angel. You’re my friend. You were my sponsor, for fuck’s sake. But more importantly, you’re my brother.”

“Then what’s going on with you and Jasmine? It’s more than a fucking tattoo,” he said with a glare.

The thing about being in a club full of men with varying abilities was that we knew one another. Not a word crossed my lips, but Angel looked me in the eye, and he knew.

“Did you fuck my sister?” Eyes wide and teeth grinding, he watched me. The clenching of his fists didn’t escape me, either. This was gonna hurt.

“It wasn’t like that,” I started, but I didn’t get out another word before his fist met my face. Phoenix and Ghost were on him immediately, holding him back as he quietly struggled. He didn’t want the rest of the brothers coming back, because I was sure he wanted to beat my ass without everyone intervening.

“Fuck!” I said as I worked my jaw back and forth.

“You don’t do relationships, Chains. You fuck, and you don’t care who sees. Sorry, bro, but that’s not what I want for my sister.” Deciding it was a good idea not to argue despite the fact that he was wrong, I again kept my mouth shut. The truth was, I’d had plenty of public blowjobs, but I sure as hell never fucked anyone in public. Because for the last couple of years, I didn’t fuck at all.

The spring day was warm, and we were at his kid’s birthday party. There was zero chance Jasmine and I would be alone there. Actually, I was surprised I was still welcome. Then again, if he’d excluded me, he would’ve had to admit shit wasn’t kosher with us.

Didn’t stop me from clocking her every move.

Knowing I was risking a lot didn’t help. Twice, I caught Angel glaring at me. He was standing with Venom as they spoke with the visiting members from the Flagstaff Chapter.

“I’ll have to figure out when I can get in to have you finish up my back piece,” Blade said, and I absently nodded.

“Sure,” I said getting an uneasy feeling at the look Venom gave me as he spoke with Angel, Declan, and Wolfman. The Flagstaff brothers had a run that took them up north. They’d stopped on the way up and now on the way back.

My unease grew as Venom slapped Declan on the back with a grin and shook his hand, then he broke away to approach me. Determined steps brought him closer, and I realized Blade and Kicker had abandoned me.

“Chains,” Venom said like I wasn’t looking right at him.

“Yeah, bossman? What can I do for you?” Maybe I was overreacting and he only needed me to get more ice or something equally inane.

“Pack a bag.” Nope. Not overreacting.

“Excuse me?” I had no idea where he was going with that.

“You’re heading back with Declan and Wolfman to help them out.”

“But they have Ink,” I said, confused as to why I needed to go to fucking Arizona.

“Not sure what’s going on with him, but they need you.”

“But—” I started.

“Is there a problem?” He cocked a brow as he stared at me.

“No.”

“Something I should know about?” He asked it, but the hard glint in his eye told me he knew the answer.

“No.”

“Good. Then pack a bag. KSU in an hour. They want to get as far down the road as they can today.”

“An hour?” I asked, incredulous. Kickstands up in an hour? Fucking hell.

“Did I stutter?” He shot me that stare that had cowed lesser men. My respect for him was the only thing that kept me from rolling my eyes.

“Absolutely not, P.”

“Good.” A sincere smile lifted his cheeks, and he gripped my shoulder in his meaty fist. “This is going to be good for you. All of you,” he said as he pointedly held my gaze before glancing at Angel and Jasmine. The man did nothing by chance. He wanted me to see him look at each of us. It was his way of saying he knew exactly what was going on.

I inwardly cursed.

But I made myself a promise as my gaze briefly locked on Jasmine before she dropped her gaze and raked her teeth over her bottom lip.

When I got back, we were laying everything out on the table.

I just hoped she waited for me.

“I’ll  Be  OK”—Nothing  More

Funny how something so small can cause such profound changes.

“I’m very pleased with your progress over the last few months,” my therapist Helen Thomas said with a kind smile.

“Thanks. I know it’s going to be a work in progress for a long time. I just knew I needed to get my life on track now more than ever.”

“Speaking of… how have things been going since our last visit?” she asked as she glanced down at her notebook.

“Really good. Thanks,” I said with one of the first genuine smiles in a while. She looked up with a pleased but expectant expression as she waited for me to continue.

“Though I’ve been tired a lot lately.”

My hand rested protectively over the barely noticeable bump. Yep. That tiny flashing YES+ was the catalyst I needed to get my shit straight. Besides being tired of feeling like that incident was all my life consisted of and allowing it to rule me, I needed to get myself in a better place for my baby.

“Have you told the father yet?” she asked with concern apparent in her gaze.

I sighed. “I just can’t. Not yet. Not until I know I’m better.”

“But you just told me you understand this is an ongoing process. There is never going to be an opportune time to tell him. Unless you’re concerned for your safety if he takes it like an asshole?” Her brows rose as she waited to see if that was the case.

“No, not at all. But I know if I tell him, nothing will keep him from coming back, and he can’t. He’s out of town for his job, and I don’t want him getting in trouble, so I’m taking advantage of this time to get myself where I need to be—or as close to it as I can get before he comes home. I want us to have a fighting chance.” I also hadn’t decided how I was going to tell my brother that Chains had knocked me up.

Not that us being together wasn’t a hundred percent consensual, but after the way my brother had acted the day I was in Nico’s room, I couldn’t be sure. Angel’s club is so damn worried about what an inter-family relationship gone bad could do to the club? Wait ’til they found out about this. Shit is gonna hit the fan.

“I’m sure there are ways he could come home briefly, but I understand. Just don’t wait too long. He has a right to know and be involved too.”

“I know, and I promise as soon as I’m able, I’ll tell him.” I prayed Nico would be happy about the baby.

My heart clenched at not knowing how much longer we’d be apart, but I tried to tell myself it was okay because that gave me more time to get myself straight. Then again, it also prolonged us not being able to do anything about our situation.

Which made me angry at myself for insisting he keep us a secret. Looking back, I could now see it was because I was fucked in the head, and he’d been right. I was using sex as my drug to self-medicate, my way of having control over my body. My therapist believed I’d been comfortable having sex with him because he was from the pre-rape part of my life and I trusted him. My actions had come back to bite me in the ass, but I was learning how to deal with that too.

But God, I missed him. Not just the sex either—that was simply a bonus. I missed his smile, I missed him holding me, I missed the sound of his voice, but most of all, I missed how when we were together, he always made me feel like I was important.

“I want you to continue to write in your journal. I also would like to see you find a way that works for you to tell the father. Maybe write out what you want to say to him,” she said as she set her pen and notepad to the side. We both stood, and I grabbed my purse.

I made my follow-up appointment with the front desk and stepped out into the late August sun. Tilting my head back to capture it, I jumped when I heard a voice I’d hoped to never hear again.

“Jasmine,” my father said. My heart skittered and raced as my eyes darted around to look for my ride.

“I don’t have time to talk to you,” I said as I tried to push past him. He gripped my arm, and I flinched at his touch. Panic began to sneak through me, and I had to force myself to breathe through it.

“Please, Jasmine. I need you to talk to Jude for me,” he cajoled.

My indignation knew no bounds. “You seriously expect him to do anything for you? After everything you put him through? You’re a disgustingly sick individual and I’m embarrassed to call you my father.”

He stepped back as though I’d slapped him. The momentary shock was followed by a hard glint in his eyes. Thankfully, an orange Challenger pulled up, and he quickly walked off, disappearing into the crowded downtown street.

Ghost was around the vehicle and next to me in a flash. “Was that your father?”

“Yes,” I ground out with a curl in my lip. I could see his indecision and rested a hand on his arm. “Not that I wouldn’t have been okay by myself, but he’s long gone. Don’t bother.”

“I don’t fucking like it,” he said, but I shook my head.

“He’s harmless. Did you see him? He’s like a walking skeleton,” I said with false bravery, because that panic was feathering though the edges of my brain.

After a reluctant nod, we got in his car and left. As we drove, he tapped out the beat of the music on the steering wheel, but I could see he was holding something back.

“What?” I asked.

He shot me a quick glance. At first, I thought he was going to blow me off, then his face contorted in indecision and he turned down the music. “I feel torn right now. I’m in a very uncomfortable position.”

My shoulders drooped. “Ghost, I just don’t want everyone to know I’m going to counseling. My brother knows, and that’s enough. It’s embarrassing because they will all start looking at me with pity again. Do you know how sick I am of being the broken girl?”

“Jazz, no one looked at you like that,” he tried to tell me.

“Bullshit. Maybe you didn’t see it, but I did.”

“That might be how you were seeing things, and we’ll agree to disagree on the subject. But that wasn’t what I was referring to.”

“Then what were you referring to?”

He cast his gaze to my stomach, and my heart stopped. How had he figured it out? No one else had made mention of it, leading me to believe no one had a clue. Not confirming or denying a thing, I clamped my jaw shut and sat silently.

“It’s Chains’s, isn’t it?” he asked, though the words were quiet.

The sudden lump in my throat not only caused difficulty swallowing, but I could barely breathe. My heart resumed at a ferocious pace, and I lifted a trembling hand to nervously cover my mouth.

“Why would you think that?” I finally asked, ignoring the slight catch in my voice.

“Because you’ve barely left the clubhouse for months, and one of us is always with you. When would you have hooked up with someone else? I’m not stupid. I know you two had something going on before he left. I’m not sure how everyone else didn’t.”

He was right. The few times I’d left the clubhouse on my own, Roscoe was my tail. Occasionally, I went to get hygiene items and food to contribute, but I usually went with someone.

“Unless you’ve been with someone else in the club that I don’t know about,” he offered.

“No,” I adamantly insisted.

“That’s what I thought. So how do you see this playing out?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s not gonna be a secret forever. Eventually you won’t be able to hide it with those legging things and loose shirts. Then what? I won’t be the only one able to connect the dots. Do you know what kind of shitstorm that would create? You’re setting Chains up for failure, and that’s not fair to him. He has a right to know, but not only that, he also deserves not to be blindsided. Did you ever think that maybe the club would be supportive of the two of you together? Maybe you guys should’ve come clean and then this wouldn’t be an issue,” he said.

“Not an issue? We all know he got sent to Arizona because Angel didn’t like the attention he was showing me. So the club you all love so much is willing to ship him off because he pissed them off, but they’d be okay with us being together?” I asked incredulously.

“They didn’t send him to Flagstaff because he pissed them off. Venom sent him to protect him because he knew Angel was on the verge of killing Chains. Initially, Angel was pissed at Chains because he got the impression you weren’t interested and Chains was making you uncomfortable. Chains is a player. He’s never had a serious woman in all the years we’ve known him. It’s not a stretch for Angel to think he’s using you.”

I made a shocked noise.

“Hear me out,” he continued. “I know that’s not true, but because you two never made it public knowledge, no one knew that. Venom was only looking out for his club. He figured giving them both a chance to cool off would be for the best. Only you can clear everything up, since Chains isn’t here right now.”

“Well, I certainly can’t announce to all his brothers that I’m pregnant with his child before I tell him!” I said in exasperation.

“I get that. But maybe you should at least tell him.”

“How? You know him, Ghost. He will be on the next thing smoking to get back here and then his ass will be in a sling with the club. I can’t do that to him.”

“Maybe if you two worked things out, the club wouldn’t have a problem with him coming home early. Family is important to us. If you and Chains are interested in a relationship, and you have feelings for each other, then that just makes our ‘family’ stronger. Right? Maybe you could go to him—kind of a trial run of you two together,” he offered as a solution.

“I have my counseling. That’s important to me, Ghost. Without my head being straight, I’m not going to be any good for Chains or our baby. But I promise you this. When he gets home, I will tell him immediately.”

“What if they don’t bring him home until after the baby is born? Did you think of that? The man deserves to be there for the birth of his child.”

“That’s if he even wants to be,” I said with worry. Because part of my secret worries when he finds out is that he won’t want the baby for the same reason he initially didn’t want me. The thought of him being unable to feel the softness of our baby’s skin on his fingertips broke my heart. Which got me thinking. Babies don’t really have memories, so maybe it would be okay. I needed to ask him without giving it away.

“He will be,” he insisted.

“Let me think about it, okay?” I pleaded.

“Fine. Just don’t wait too long or you won’t have a choice.” That was the second warning I’d gotten in the same day not to wait too long, yet they needn’t have bothered. My dream the night before had shown an angry Nico. He’d been furious with me and thought I wasn’t planning to tell him. I knew what I needed to do.

“I promise.”

“You know he asks me about you every time he calls,” Ghost murmured as he turned a corner.

“What?” I whispered. My heart fluttered and tried to burst from my chest. I’d wanted to call him a million times, but I wasn’t sure how to talk to him without slipping up and giving away my condition.

“Don’t act surprised. The man is insane for you, but you should already know that if he knocked you up. That means the two of you were much more than friends. Honestly? I think your brother knows more than he’s willing to admit, even to himself. To do what he did, he had to have been insane,” Ghost said with a snort.

“Whatever,” I said, trying to sound unaffected.

“Now what the hell did your father want?”

“Same thing as always. Wants Angel to talk to him. We all know he wants Angel to heal him, but that’s never going to happen.” Everyone in the club knew our father was responsible for our mother’s death, but they didn’t know all the reasons Angel hated him, and they went back farther than that.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew that Angel asked the Royal Bastards to watch out for me when he left for the military. I was also pretty sure he threatened our father with them if he harmed me in any way. Which was why I didn’t understand why he didn’t think there was a possibility I could end up with one of them. Then again, I had put on a pretty good act for a couple of years.

He grunted as we stopped at the last light in town before taking the highway out to the clubhouse. I stared sightless out the window.

The light turned green, but we didn’t move. With a frown, I glanced at him. He was staring in the rearview mirror. When I glanced back, the only thing back there were some people outside a restaurant.

“Ghost? The light’s green.”

It took him a full second to look at the light and shake himself out of whatever the hell had grabbed him. He blinked rapidly, and we left town behind us.

“What were you looking at? Was someone following us?” I asked him. With my father’s surprise visit, it wasn’t an impossibility.

“No. Just thought I saw someone I knew.” His expression looked so lost, I wanted to comfort him, but I didn’t know how. He could be a prankster, but he was tight-lipped about his personal life. I guessed something bad had happened in his past, but he would never say much. At least not to me.

When he parked outside of the clubhouse, I gripped his arm. “Thank you for the ride today. I really can’t thank you enough.”

“No problem. You know I don’t mind.”

It had been hell to evade the prospect for my first appointment. I had pretended I had an appointment in the massage clinic that was in the same building. He’d waited out front when I told him I didn’t want him coming in the massage therapy place because it was weird.

I’d barely held my shit together on the way home. That first session had been rough.

Initially, I hadn’t wanted anyone to know I was going to counseling. To me it had been embarrassing to admit everyone had been right and that I’d fought it so long. Then I was afraid that if it didn’t work out, my brother would never let it lie again. He’d keep pestering me. I wanted to do this on my own before I told anyone.

Finally, I broke down and told Ghost, because my car hadn’t wanted to start and I needed a ride. He was the only one around unless I rode with the prospect, and that seemed… wrong, I guess. To be on the back of anyone’s bike but Nico’s didn’t seem right.

Anyway, Ghost had seen how emotional I was after my session, so he offered to take me each time because he was worried about me driving back like that.

“Can you do me another favor?” I asked him.

“Favors are racking up, doll. Not sure you’re ever going to be able to pay me back,” he said with a teasing grin.

Unable not to laugh, I playfully swatted his arm. “Knock it off. Can you see if you can find out when he’s coming home?”

There was no need to specify who “he” was.

Ghost gave me a lopsided smile. “Yeah, I can do that. No guarantees, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Thanks,” I said, and we both got out of the car.

After being in the sun, the dim lighting inside my brother’s house was hard to adjust to. My brother was coming inside from the backyard, and Trace sat up on his shoulders.

“Aunt Jazzy!” Trace called when he caught sight of me. I grinned.

“Hey, buddy. Looks like you got a new ride.”

“Dad said I’m almost too big for this, but I said he’s got big shoulders so it would be fine,” Trace reasoned, and we all laughed.

“Where’s your mom and my new niece?”

“Mom is changing Angeline’s diaper. Dad and I are gonna swim in the pool. Uncle Venom, Aunt Loralei, Uncle Voodoo, Aunt Kira, and baby Parker are on their way, too! You wanna come?” he asked with excitement.

The fact that my brother named his daughter after our mom almost made me cry every time I heard her name. In a good way, but it still really hit me in the heart.

“Maybe next time. Well, how about if I sit by the pool with you,” I said with a smile. No way was I wearing a swimsuit in front of my brother, his club, and his family. Nothing said “hello, I’m pregnant” like a baby bump in a bikini.

“How did everything go today?” my brother asked. I’d finally decided to tell him I was going after about a month of sessions. Getting over my initial worries, I figured it would be good for him to know I had started doing something to get myself in a better place. Especially if I wanted him to accept that Nico and I were going to be a thing. Granted, I didn’t need his permission, but it would make things a lot easier if everyone involved was cool with it.

Again, I prayed Nico wouldn’t lose his shit about the baby. I prayed he was the man I thought he was; otherwise this could get really ugly.

“It went really good.”

“I’m proud of you sis, and I’m happy for you. You deserve the best, and I only want to see you happy.”

“Let’s go get our swimsuits on!” Trace said as he waved his hands around. Angel clutched his thighs tighter.

“Easy there, cowboy!” My brother chuckled. “We’ll see you out by the pool.”

Since my leggings were a bit warm, I opted to put on a pair of shorts, but kept the loose Boho-style off-the-shoulder top. Knowing the boys probably didn’t, I grabbed towels from the hall closet and went out back.

“I was just going in to get those,” Korrie said with a grin. Angeline was snoozing in her little baby swing under a huge umbrella. Absently setting the towels down on the glass-top table, I leaned over to fawn over my beautiful niece. It had me wondering if I was having a boy or girl.

“She’s so beautiful,” I murmured softly.

Korrie snorted. “No need to be quiet. That one would sleep through a tornado.”

Angel jumped in the pool with a squealing Trace, followed by a big splash.

“See?” We both laughed.

“Aunt Jazzy! Come sit by us!” Trace called out as he swam toward the stairs.

I took one of the towels to the edge of the pool and laid it out as Trace climbed out of the pool. Before I could sit down, I heard the slap of wet feet on concrete. Trace flew past me and cannonballed into the pool. Water exploded from the pool and soaked me.

Hair hanging in my face, I stood there sputtering. Trace surfaced, giggling his little ass off.

He was the only one, though. After I pushed the hair out of my face and dried my face off with the towel, I looked into my brother and sister-in-law’s shocked faces.

“What?” I asked.

“Umm,” Korrie said as she circled a pointer finger at my stomach.

Looking down, I saw the top that had once been flowing, was now stuck to me like a second skin. My four-month along baby bump was sticking out front and center. I’d never cursed being skinny more than at that moment.

“Oh!” I heard over my shoulder. I turned to find the whole troop was gawking at me as well. The women looked excited; the guys couldn’t seem to pick their jaws up off the ground. Pulling my attention from the new arrivals with a sigh, I glanced back to my brother.

His once shocked face was steadily getting redder.

“Jude,” I began, pulling out the real name card, then nervously chewed on my lip. “Remember how you said you just wanted me to be happy?”