Dungeon Master by Golden Angel

Chapter Nineteen

Leah

“Ms. Elliott? Ms. Elliot?”

Leah jerked to awareness. She hadn’t even realized she’d been staring off into space. Standing in the doorway to her office, one of the junior associates was nervously shifting her feet. What was her name again? Teresa? That’s right.

“Yes, sorry. I was… thinking,” Leah said, clearing her throat and straightening up.

“The Boson account?” Teresa asked, bobbing her head sympathetically. Young but smart as a whip, Teresa needed self-confidence more than anything. She often showed up in Leah’s office, wanting someone else to look over her work. Leah didn’t mind, especially because she could see Teresa’s confidence slowly growing as Leah encouraged her.

She tried to give off the image of a strong, confident, put-together woman, so it was a little disconcerting to realize she’d been daydreaming about her ex-husband instead of thinking about the upcoming presentation they had for the Boson account. Granted, it didn’t help that her clit and nipples were still sensitive from Saturday night, though they were no longer sore. Thank goodness for padded bras since the merest touch was still making her nipples stand at attention.

“I have some ideas,” Teresa said, stepping into the office and drawing Leah’s focus back to where it was supposed to be. She shyly laid out the sketches she’d been holding. Leah leaned forward, tugging one of them in front of her.

“These are wonderful, Teresa!” Time to get her head back into the game.

Thirty minutes later, when Teresa left her office, glowing from the praise, Leah was sure they were on the right track for the Boson’s marketing promotion. It was one of the biggest accounts, and she was sure they were going to be pleased. Teresa’s suggestions managed to be fresh and on-brand, and Leah had shown her how to further fine-tune some of her ideas.

Leah was thankful she had such a good team around her because even knowing she needed to focus, she was still struggling. Not because of the sex or the lingering effects on her body, but because she was struggling with what she wanted. If she’d made a decision, it would be easier, but she hadn’t.

She couldn’t shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, everything with Gavin had been wonderful… so far.

Yes, Gavin seemed to have made some changes that would make their relationship better… so far.

Was she worried if she gave in, if she said ‘yes, unequivocally yes,’ all the effort he was putting in right now would stop?

Maybe.

Yes.

Argh. She wanted to be able to trust things would keep going the way they were… Maybe she was being too hard on herself. This was pretty new, and she and Gavin had only gone to one session with Dr. Silverwood together, although he’d been going on his own for months.

She should probably bring this up on Wednesday.

* * *

Gavin

This week, Leah had chosen to sit in the center of Dr. Silverwood’s couch rather than on the opposite side. Gavin felt as if that was a good sign. She wasn’t leaning toward him or taking his hand, but still.

Baby steps.

It was also interesting hearing Dr. Silverwood talk to Leah about some of the things she brought up since they were things Gavin had felt but hadn’t been able to verbalize, or if he had, he hadn’t been able to do so in a way Leah understood what he was trying to say. Dr. Silverwood didn’t have any of the emotional baggage from their relationship, so she could say it without putting Leah on the defensive.

“To me, when I asked Gavin to go to couples counseling before, it was a last-ditch effort to save our marriage,” Leah said, rubbing one of her hands nervously against her thigh. He wasn’t sure she even realized she was doing it. “When he said no, it felt like he didn’t care about saving it at all.”

Yeah, Leah might not be the only one who immediately bristled on the defensive. Gavin clenched his jaw, stifling his kneejerk reaction to ask how she could possibly say that. It didn’t fit with how he’d felt at all, but he knew this wasn’t about him, wasn’t about how he’d felt, but acknowledging how she’d felt.

“Gavin, did you realize it was a last attempt to save the marriage?” Dr. Silverwood asked him directly.

“No. I didn’t realize we needed saving at that point. I mean, I wouldn’t say everything was going great, but I didn’t think we were headed toward divorce.” He rolled his head around on his neck, trying to loosen the muscles there. “I didn’t see the point of counseling. No offense, doc. I mean, I thought we were doing okay, maybe stuck in a rut, but I didn’t think we needed outside help. I didn’t want anyone butting into our relationship.”

“Did you ask Leah why she was interested in counseling?”

He tipped his head back, trying to remember. At the time, he’d been focused on keeping the Outlands running and in the black, being on point as Dungeon Master for their weekly game, so he didn’t disappoint anyone, worrying over whether or not he was giving Mitch good advice about puberty and women, and Leah had taken a bit of a back seat when it came to his priorities. A sobering realization.

“No. She didn’t really push it, so I figured it wasn’t that important to her.” Gavin sighed. “I probably should have asked her why she wanted to go.”

“Do you remember what your response was to her?”

Gavin shook his head.

“I do.” Leah’s tone was a little tart, and she stared straight at Dr. Silverwood rather than looking at him. “He said we were fine, so we didn’t need counseling. Except we weren’t fine, clearly, which was why I was asking for counseling.”

His shoulders sagged. Dammit. Why hadn’t he asked her? Yeah, he’d assumed they were fine, but she had a point. What had he been thinking? That they didn’t have the time, probably, or they could work things out on their own. She’d been unhappy enough to feel as if it was a last-ditch attempt at making their relationship work, and he hadn’t even known.

Hindsight was twenty-twenty.

To his surprise, Dr. Silverwood didn’t immediately agree with Leah.

“It was clear to you, but did you tell Gavin why you wanted counseling? Do you think it was clear to him?” There was no judgment in Dr. Silverwood’s voice, but Gavin could feel Leah bristle next to him, much the same way he had a moment ago. Just like him, she didn’t let her temper get to her. There really was something to be said for having an unbiased, uninvolved third party listening and responding to their complaints.

“I… I mean, why else would I have asked for counseling?”

* * *

Leah

Even asking, Leah cringed because she knew she was avoiding the question.

The answer was no, she hadn’t told him she wanted counseling because she felt like she was drowning in their marriage. She hadn’t told him it was her last-ditch attempt to save them. She’d asked, he’d said he didn’t think they needed it, and she’d taken it as him writing them off as a couple.

Even when she’d realized he’d been surprised how unhappy she was in their marriage, she’d taken it to mean he was the problem because he hadn’t noticed how miserable she was. With Dr. Silverwood’s cool eyes on her, Leah felt herself shrivel a little inside because it didn’t seem like the doctor agreed. Worse, Leah could see the point.

“One problem that comes up often in my sessions with couples is different communication styles,” Dr. Silverwood said, rather than answering Leah’s question. Leah scrunched down in her seat. Part of her wanted to lean toward Gavin for reassurance, but she made herself stay put. Who knew if he’d be willing to offer any right now, after having it pointed out she’d basically expected him to read her mind? “Everyone has their own way of communicating, but a lot of it can be broken down into whether you’re an ‘ask’ person or a ‘guess’ person.”

Leah snuck a glance at Gavin. She was willing to bet he was an ‘ask’ person, and she was a ‘guess’ person. Her stomach did a little swooping dip. Being a ‘guess’ person didn’t sound good.

“There’s nothing wrong with either method.” It was as if the doctor had heard Leah’s thoughts. “But it can cause conflict. Askers tend to be direct about what they want, whereas guessers can find direct requests off-putting or even rude. What we need to do is find a way for you to both keep in mind how the other person communicates and make allowances.”

“Like, I should have asked Leah why she wanted to go to counseling.” There was a lot of resignation and self-recrimination in Gavin’s voice, and Leah had to keep from reaching out with her hand to offer him comfort. She glanced over, and her heart melted when she saw the sad expression on his face. “I didn’t realize there was a deeper meaning behind it, but I also didn’t take the time to find out.”

“Yes, exactly.” Dr. Silverwood smiled at him, like a teacher pleased with her star student. “Leah, what do you think you could have done?”

“I could have told Gavin why I wanted to go.” Even thinking about it made her stomach roil. “Or told him how upset I was when he said no.”

“Both good answers.”

“Is this because I’m submissive? Is that why I’m a guess person?”

To her surprise, Dr. Silverwood immediately shook her head.

“There are many submissives who instinctively ask for what they need and as many dominants who are more comfortable not asking when outside of a kink situation. This is not a one-size-fits-all personality trait.”

Leah didn’t know if that made her feel better or not. It sounded to her like being an ‘ask’ person was the better way to be, but she really did feel bad when she had to ask for something directly, as though she was making it hard for the other person to say ‘no.’ It wasn’t as if she hid her intentions. A lot of what she wanted were normal things, things she really shouldn’t have to ask for.

“Okay, but…” Leah blurted, then caught herself. Gavin and Dr. Silverwood looked at her, waiting, and she hesitated for only a moment before forging ahead again. She felt incredibly fidgety and uncomfortable, but she made herself spit it out. “It doesn’t feel as if it’s real if I ask him to do something. Like, I wouldn’t ask him to buy me a gift. I want him to want to get me a gift.”

“If you want a gift, of course, I want to get you a gift,” Gavin said, a frown forming on his face. “Why would asking for it make it mean less?”

“Because you should get it because you’re thinking of me, and you think I might want it, not because I asked for it.” It didn’t sound right when she said it out loud, but it felt right. Frustrated, Leah grit her teeth. “I wanted you to want to go to couples therapy with me, not go because I was forcing you.”

“You wouldn’t be forcing me if you asked, and I agreed to go. If I didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t go. I would know it was something you wanted to do.”

“Yeah, well, I tried that when I asked you if you wanted to go to counseling, but it turned out you didn’t want to go.” Bitterness coated her voice so thick, she could practically choke on it.

“If I’d known how important it was to you, I would have in a heartbeat! Hell, I asked you to go once I realized you were going to leave me.”

Yeah, but by then, it had been too late because she hadn’t told him how important it was to her that he said yes, that he wanted to go to counseling, wanted to fix things. He hadn’t known how unhappy she was because she hadn’t told him but also because he hadn’t noticed.

Because they sucked at communication.

Gavin cursed and reached out, hauling her onto his lap, and only then Leah realized tears were rolling down her cheeks. He’d done it without hesitation in the middle of them fighting—again—whereas she’d been too timid to reach out and take his hand a few minutes ago. Too afraid of making herself vulnerable to him. Why she hadn’t asked for things she wanted—asking made her vulnerable. He might say no.

He also might say yes.

Crying harder, Leah clung to him, not caring if Dr. Silverwood was watching or what she thought.

It was my fault.

It was a hard admission to make to herself but an important one.

* * *

Gavin

Holding Leah in his arms while she sobbed, Gavin felt even more helpless than usual. He didn’t know how to fix this, didn’t even know why she was crying. Well, he sorta knew why she was crying, but he definitely didn’t know how to soothe a decade-old hurt. His own eyes stung with unshed tears that threatened to spill over, his heart aching like it was breaking all over again.

“This is all my fault,” he muttered, squeezing her more tightly against him because it was the only thing he could do. Why hadn’t he questioned her motives when she’d first suggested counseling? Pride? Lack of time? The arrogant assurance he didn’t need to do anything more than he already was because she’d be there, regardless? He’d been an ass.

“No, this is my fault. I didn’t even try to tell you… I was too afraid…” Leah hiccupped, cutting off her words, but Gavin understood.

“You shouldn’t have had to tell me. I’m the ‘asker.’ I should have asked.”

To his surprise, Leah giggled and hiccupped at the same time.

“It’s not anyone’s fault,” Dr. Silverwood said smoothly, cutting back into the conversation. “It’s a breakdown in communication, and there are things both of you can do to improve your communication with each other. I would rather see both of you focusing on what you want to do to improve rather than thinking about what you didn’t do in the past.”

Gavin and Leah looked at each other. Despite the tears in her eyes, Leah was smiling again.

“I think we can do that, doc,” Gavin said, giving Leah a crooked smile of his own.

Dr. Silverwood was right. Assigning blame to the past didn’t help anything, but now they could see the other person’s perspective of those events. It was a little daunting, but not a bad thing.

“Yeah.” Leah’s smile was still a touch watery, but at least the flow of tears had stopped. “We can do that.”