Running For It by Allyson Lindt

Twenty-Two

When I woke up in the morning, I almost felt worse than after that last hangover. The one where my world fell apart. My clock said it after eight in the morning. I didn’t remember the last time I’d slept so late.

Besides Vegas.

I peeled myself out of bed. Every inch of me was exhausted. Things were strained last night with Hunter. We’d brought the sandwiches home. I ate with him, to prove I was taking his advice and trying to relax, but I hadn’t known what to say.

As I stumbled across the room, something caught my eye. A folder sitting near my closed bedroom door. There was a Post-it note on top, with Hunter’s neat script handwriting

Sorry I missed you before work. We’ll talk about this, I promise. I wanted you to know they exist.

I opened the folder. The top page was a court document with Hunter and my names at the top, and PETITION FOR DIVORCE underneath.

So, there was that. I guess it made sense. We didn’t have to hide anything from his family.

I didn’t want to follow any trains of thought about the paperwork, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I told Hunter I’d make a plan, but I was so tired. My bed called my name, and I hated myself as I climbed back under the covers, but I also needed to lie back down.

My phone ringing dragged me back go consciousness. Somehow it was almost two in the afternoon. I forced the sleep away as best I could, and answered. “Hello?”

“Hey, Taffy.” Ramsey’s greeting danced over me, drawing me awake better than any coffee.

I should ask him not to call me that, but I was too happy to hear his voice. “Hey.”

“I don’t like the way we left things the other night. The way we keep leaving them.”

I didn’t either. “But I hate the alternative, too. Not the being with you part. Everything else.”

“I get it. And I didn’t call to rehash. We each know where the other stands.”

And yet, neither of us was budging. “What’s up?” I couldn’t handle any sort of emotional or business conversation right now.

“I called to talk.”

When people said that, it was rarely a good thing. “About…?”

“I don’t care. Wow.” Ramsey chuckled. “That came out wrong. I should say anything. I get to see Hunter every day, but I miss you. I had you back for such a short amount of time, and now you’re just out of reach. I called to hear your voice.”

My heart cracked. So much for not getting emotional. “You’re not going to ask what I’m wearing, then?” I tried to tease. It was enough to lift my mood a notch.

“Now that you mention it…” Ramsey’s smooth tone buoyed me further.

“Nope. Missed your chance.” My playfulness slipped out more easily than I expected.

“Hmm…” His low hum rolled over and through me. “I’ll tell you what I’m wearing. Suit. Tie. Wingtips.”

And I had no doubt he looked sexy as fuck. “You’re begging for it in an outfit like that.”

“I don’t beg. You know me better than that.” Something clanged with Ramsey’s voice.

Was that… “Why do I hear slot machines?”

“I just finished lunch with Dottie.”

“In Las Vegas? Don’t we have a thing tonight?” I shouldn’t have said anything. Now I was dreading another fundraiser.

“We do. And I’ll be back before then.”

The conversation had taken a suspicious turn. “What so important in Las Vegas that you have to do it in person?” Did I have a right to ask that? I didn’t care. Curiosity won out.

“It’s a surprise.”

I grasped for a response.

“I know you hate surprises,” Ramsey said quickly. “I’ll tell you about this one as soon as I’m able, and I promise it’s good.”

“I hope so. I can’t take any more bad ones.”

“I promise.” Ramsey repeated. “I’ll see you tonight?’

He and Hunter would be the highlight of my evening. “Bright and smiling on my man’s arm,” I said.

“My man. I’d only share with you.”

I smiled. “Don’t I feel special.”

“You should. You always should. And I’m serious.”

I stumbled over his meaning. “You’re giving me permission to fall in love with my husband? So generous.” My teasing felt flat.

“No,” Ramsey said. “Even I can’t stop something like that. I’m giving you permission to fuck my boyfriend.”

“Did I mention how generous you are?” Despite parrying the comments, my mind was racing along the potential. Clinging to a desire I’d barely dared skim the surface of, as images teased me of being wrapped up in Hunter. Of admitting there was more of a connection to our sex. Of not having to assume he’d be gone in the morning.

Then the reality of last night brought the fantasy crashing down around me. “Pretty sure I’ve burned that bridge. He’s asking for things from me I can’t give.”

“That doesn’t sound familiar at all.” Sarcasm laced Ramsey’s reply. “You have your limits and he has his.”

Was he really comparing my desire to not drop my obligations to his cavern of secrets? “But unlike me, his aren’t reasonable.”

“Hunter will do the impossible for someone he cares about,” Ramsey said. “But he won’t watch them destroy themselves. That’s not unreasonable.”

What happened to our angsty-light conversation? “I’m not—”

“Have this talk with him. But I know you’ll work it out.”

“How are you so certain?”

“Because I love you both, and I have excellent taste in people.”

There were so many holes in that reply, I didn’t know where to start picking it apart. I also didn’t want to. “I don’t have your confidence.”

“So borrow some of mine.” Ramsey’s voice went muffled for a moment, as he talked to someone else, and then he was back. “I’m so sorry. I have to run. I miss you Taffy. Always when you’re not around.”

I shouldn’t say it. The words would hurt. But holding them inside didn’t make them any less painful. “I miss you too.”

“We’ll make this right, I promise.”

I didn’t know if we could, but as we disconnected I needed him to be right.

I sat on the bed for the longest time, staring at my phone. What was I supposed to do with my afternoon? If I checked in on the contractors at the shelter again, they’d probably bar me from the premises. I’d finished the month’s paperwork.

Was it too early to get ready for the fundraiser tonight? It was a more casual event, so I didn’t have to do the whole evening gown and heels thing.

Even though I was staying in the guest room, the bathroom was much larger than the one in my apartment. I’d been so busy, I hadn’t had a chance to try out the large tub. It would be a shame to move out and not give it a whirl at least once.

Move out, the words soured in my gut, so I ignored them and ran a bath instead. The water was a half notch above comfortable when I dipped my hand in. Perfect. I stripped off my clothes and slipped into the water.

The heat wrapped around me, yanking me toward serenity. Was I really fighting relaxation? Hunter’s and Ramsey’s words bounced in my head, demanding I give them attention.

Why couldn’t I just chill for a few hours? A question that extended far beyond the walls of this room and this moment.

I let Lyn down yesterday. Sure, it was a party, but what if it had been work? Or Luna needing something? Or a crisis with one of the kids? Not a basement flooding crisis, but the kind of crisis my sister had gone through.

If I pushed myself to a crash, to hospitalization, I couldn’t be there for them.

Or yourself, I swore that was Hunter’s voice in my head.

I sank lower in the water, until my head from the nose up was the only thing not submerged. If I relaxed now, what would happen? Anything worse than if I didn’t?

No. In fact, if something did come up, I could probably deal with it better.

Why did admitting that feel like surrender?

I struggled with logic versus instinct as I soaked. After the bath, I took my time stripping off the blue nail polish from two weeks ago and doing my hair. Hurrying through either meant waiting, and either could be dropped if someone called.

No one did.

Hunter got home a little after five, and I was sitting on the couch with the divorce papers on the coffee table.

He looked between them and me. “You want to do this now.”

“Did you think I’d want to wait?”

He shook his head. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

So. Many. Things. I doubted he wanted a dissertation. Then again, Hunter would probably listen to me spew out every single thought I’d had since I woke up. “You first.”

“I already had a turn.” He crossed the room and stopped a few feet away, keeping the table and the paperwork between us.

“I can’t just turn off my obligations.”

“You don’t have to. I’d never ask that. I want you to take the first step toward making sure you’re as taken care of as everyone you’re looking out for.”

It sounded so simple. More when he said it than when I’d made the argument with myself. “If I stop...” What? The world hadn’t ended today. I felt better rested than in weeks.

“You’re not stopping. You’re doing a risk assessment and re-prioritizing.” Of course he had to make sense about it all.

Was I ready for that? “I think we got off-track. This is about the—” divorce. I couldn’t say it, so I gestured to the paperwork.

“Agreed. We can’t have one conversation without the other. Unless you’re ready to sign that paperwork.” Hunter’s confident tone wavered.

He was holding a marriage I hadn’t wanted over my head to force me to change who I was. No. That was the wrong way to look at it, and he’d made sure to say so.

“All right, I’ll go first.” Hunter came around the table and took the spot next to me. He cupped my face between his palms. “I don’t think I’m ready to sign the paperwork. I’m not saying I’d propose—yet—if we had a chance to do things differently, but we didn’t. What if isn’t part of the equation.”

Each stroke of his thumb along my cheekbone sent a fissure of comfort through me. He searched my face. “I’ve always liked you,” he said. “You make Ramsey smile, but that’s not the only reason or even the main reason. You’re smart. You’re witty. You’re fun as hell to hang with. You’ve always been a good friend, and even though it meant I got Ramsey, I didn’t like when the two of you split because it meant you were gone. But you’re not competition. These last few weeks have forced me to admit I love you, Violet.”

The words sang to my heart, and pulled a similar declaration to the surface. I opened my mouth.

Hunter pressed a thumb to my lips. “But I also won’t watch you destroy yourself, because you think it’s helpful to others.” He let me go.