Saving Little Jenna by Ruth Kennedy

Chapter 1: Jenna

As I paced outside the supermarket, I scolded myself for the way I was. I'd been trying to convince myself to go in for the past fifteen minutes but every time I took a step toward the entrance, I changed my mind and took two steps away.

Why couldn't I be like others? People shopped at supermarkets all the time. They didn't think twice before speaking to strangers or looking them in the eye. I was twenty years old and yet I had an irrational fear of talking to strangers. But could I blame myself? Homeschooling with minimal social interaction would do that to a person.

Growing up without love, I'd always wanted to make friends just so I could feel loved and wanted for once. Unfortunately, friends didn't just magically come into existence one day. They had to be made by approaching strangers and opening up to them. I always knew at the back of my mind that when it came down to it, I'd freak out about having anything to do with a stranger, like I was right now. Supermarkets were filled with people and while I could avoid everyone else, I couldn't avoid talking to the cashier.

Come on, Jenna, you can do this.

I took a deep breath and took a couple of steps forward. I was miles and miles away from home, so how could a couple more steps hurt? With what little money I had managed to steal, I ran away as far away from him as I possibly could. I had taken bus after bus for two days straight until I no longer knew which city I was in. I hoped it was all worth it, that it was enough to ensure he would never find me. I was lying to myself but it was better than reminding myself of the truth. I knew at the back of my mind that I couldn't run away from him forever, that he would find me eventually. He, whose name I dared not think let alone speak.

I knew I might not be successful when I ran away, that he would make my life a living hell when he'd find me, if he decided to spare my life that is. Even when a goal seemed impossible, people pursued it anyway. Such was human nature. However unlikely it might be, I had a glimmer of hope that he’d never find me. At the very least, I wanted to live my life a little before he would eventually drag me back to a life of living hell.

At the end of the day, it would all be worth it. I loved watching films because I could learn about the outside world, but now I had a chance to see it myself. I wouldn't have to merely exist anymore. I could live my life for once.

I smiled ear to ear at the possibilities that lay ahead. Out here in the real world, I could be whoever I wanted to be and do everything I've always wanted to do. All I had to do was get over my fear of strangers.

When a noisy family of five walked past me into the supermarket, I gathered strength and followed them in. My jaw dropped at how big it was from the inside. There were aisle after aisle of everything you could ever want. People probably took such simple things for granted, but I had to resist the urge to touch every single item.

I walked up to the produce section and my stomach rumbled loudly. I hated greens but the bright green spinach looked mighty appetizing now. I had to make sure I spent every single cent running away from him, so I had to starve myself for the past two days. My stomach rumbled again when I walked over to the snacks aisle.

I shook my head to ignore a passing thought. No matter what, I couldn't be a bad citizen by stealing food. I had my parents' blood in me, but I had to fight the urge to be a bad person like them. I made up my mind right then and there, that I'd rather starve than steal from someone.

As I walked up to the cashier, I fought the urge to check what the aisles on my side contained. But when I saw an aisle full of toys, I couldn't resist anymore. A smile crept on my face as I scurried up to a row of stuffed teddy bears and hugged one of them.

"Don't worry," I whispered into its ear as a kid looked at me in surprise, his mouth half-open. "I can't take you home but I'm sure you'll find yourself a loving home soon."

I kissed the teddy bear on its head and placed it back on the shelf. Looking at the rest of the stuffed toys, I whispered again. "I would take you all home if I could. I'm sure you'll find someone who'll love unconditionally."

My smile faded as I wondered if I'd ever find someone who'd love me for who I was. No, there was no time for love. Love was the farthest from what I needed right now. What I needed was to not starve to death or end up homeless.

I looked at all the stuffed toys one last time and headed towards the cashier. I stood in line at one of the counters. The supermarket sure was crowded for a working day. I'd probably never get used to how many people there were in the world. I'd seen more people over the past two days than I had in my entire life.

I felt conscious about my appearance when I caught a woman my age smiling at me from a distance. All the other women had makeup on and wore fancy clothes. I on the other hand hadn't showered in two days, had messy hair and sweat-covered clothes.

I patiently waited for my turn as my heart raced. The cashier was a short and sturdy middle-aged woman. When it was finally my turn, I froze in fear and my hands turned cold. I began trembling and shaking like a leaf.

"I’m…I'm Jenna. I haven't eaten in days and I'm really hungry. I wish to work for a day in exchange for food."

The cashier looked at me from head to toe with a forced smile. "The manager isn't in today but we aren't hiring. Have a great day, ma’am."

She looked at the man behind me and I panicked. Was the world not as kind as I always imagined? Was it just as apathetic as my parents were to us growing up?

"Please," I said, joining my hands pleadingly. "It doesn't even have to be fresh. I wouldn't say no to expired food. I never thought I'd do this, but I beg you. A little kindness on your part will make my day."

"Lady, you're holding up the line!" She said loud enough for the others to hear, making me jump in surprise. "Don't you see people waiting behind you? Why don't you panhandle like the rest of them if you're so hungry? Now leave before I call security."

I burst into tears at the sudden realization that the real world was just as cruel as the people in my life. I turned around and just as I was about to run away, I noticed that the man behind me had a concerned look on his face. I was taken aback by how handsome he was. His muscled chest and biceps threatened to rip out of his tight shirt. He was much taller than me and even with a frown, he had the most photogenic face I’d ever seen.

I wiped my tears and rushed out of the supermarket before anyone else could see my humiliation. I had barely walked a few steps before I sat on the ground with my hands on my face.

I was such a fool for running away. At least with him, I wouldn't have to go on an empty stomach for days. My upbringing hadn't prepared me for the real world. The worst part was the possibility that the real world was just as cruel as my previous life. The films I’d seen had painted an unrealistic picture of the outside world, one where everyone was kind and empathetic, but it didn’t seem to be the case.

I wiped new tears forming in my eyes. I had to be strong if I wanted to survive in this strange new world which I knew nothing of. I was naive and gullible but I had to learn and adapt if I wanted to survive.

How naive I was when I fantasized about having a Daddy of my own one day? I dreamt of reliving my lost childhood as a Little, but this time I wouldn't have to live in fear. This time Daddy would take care of me and my problems as I lived carefree. All I had to do was be myself, and unlike my parents, Daddy would love me unconditionally. But it was beginning to look like all of that was wishful thinking. Just as my parents liked to remind me, no one ever cared about me and no one ever would. I was broken and something was wrong with me. I wish I knew what it was so I could fix it and be worthy of love and affection.

There were no Daddies in the real world, were there? All the age play stories I secretly read online must've been just that, fictional stories. How stupid of me to dream of being saved by a Daddy. There must be so many Littles like me out there, dreaming of a Daddy to take care of them. But now I had to return to reality. I was a Little who had to take care of herself like the rest of them. If I had to panhandle to survive then so be it.