Saving Little Jenna by Ruth Kennedy

Chapter 3: Jenna

I’d been surprised when the handsome stranger from the supermarket came out to check on me. When he gave me a hug I melted into his arms and for the first time in my life, I felt safe and protected. When he offered me to live with him, I realized there was still kindness in the world and not everybody was like the people I'd known all my life. Smoking hot or not, it was a risk to live with a stranger. I wasn't good at judging people but there was kindness in Clark's eyes that I'd never seen before. I was used to being mistreated all my life, so it was nice to meet someone caring for a change.

I didn't want Clark to know about my past, so I scolded myself every time I slipped up before him. I couldn't blame myself, though. I’d never had a friend before so I never had to filter my thoughts before I spoke. Hopefully, with time, I would get better at hiding my thoughts.

It was a strange feeling to talk to a man you were attracted to, something I had never done in my life before. Every time Clark as much as looked at me, it was arousing. I found myself rubbing my legs together to try and not get wet each time he looked at my lips when he spoke. His deep voice saying my name was a dopamine rush and I was beginning to explore my sexuality as I had never before. Watching his broad shoulders sway from side to side and his muscled upper body threatening to rip out of his shirt had quickly become my favorite pastime. I even found myself checking out his big butt, something I never imagined myself being into.

Ever since I met Clark a few days ago, life was the best it had ever been, and yet I couldn't escape him at night. Every night I dreamt that he had found me and dragged me back to a life of hell. On the other hand, I felt safe in Clark's presence during the day. Even if temporarily, Clark made me forget about all my worries.

I would probably sleep much better if I slept in Clark's bed but that wasn’t going to happen. I found it difficult to stay asleep at night, for every time I drifted into sleep, I jolted back awake by the thought that he had probably found me. There was no time to lose and I had to keep moving forever if I didn't want to be found. That was the only way to stay safe, but the mere thought of bidding Clark goodbye one day and never getting to see him again gave me terrible anxiety. It was ridiculous considering how I only knew him for a few days now. Was I only attracted to him because he was the first man I’d ever spoken to who wasn't family?

I remembered the days I spent over the last few months, secretly fantasying about having a Daddy one day while I played in my bedroom and hugged my teddy bear. I knew love was always going to be a distant dream, and as a coping mechanism, I told myself I didn't need a man to make me happy. Yet I became obsessed with the first man who cared for me. Maybe I liked him because he told me what to do. He liked making decisions for me and I found it arousing, like the time he decided I needed more clothes or the time I ate too fast and he told me to slow down. Clark wasn't a Daddy but he knew what was best for me like my ideal Daddy would.

Now it had been a week since I started living with Clark and every time he was at work, I found myself having imaginary conversations with him in my head. I'd come up with ways to thank him for being so kind to be, where I'd finally manage to put into words how attractive I found him. I'd smile every time he reciprocated the feelings in my head, but when he came home from work the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I'd been a lone wolf all my life, so I hated that I was so desperate to impress someone for the first time.

I was beginning to think my obsession with Clark and the imaginary conversations I had in my head were unhealthy. I felt like a crazy stalker but I couldn't really blame myself. I'd been starved of male presence for far too long.

It was concerning how Clark had kept his conversations a bare minimum the past few days. Had he put two and two together and realized that I was obsessed with him? I'd been staring at him a lot and on multiple occasions, he’d caught me checking him out. He'd politely smile at me and I'd smile back. It was rude of me to stare and people probably learned that early on in life.

Had Clark been ignoring me? It would be reasonable if he didn't want to take advantage of me. Or maybe he wasn't interested in me and wanted to make it clear. It would be understandable since I had nothing to offer him. Besides, why would someone hot and rich like Clark want a broken woman like me when he could have any woman he wanted. Unlike me, women out there were confident and secure. They were strong independent women who had a lot to offer in a relationship.

No, I couldn't fall for Clark no matter what. I had to remember that after suffering for a lifetime, life couldn't just turn nice all of a sudden. No matter how nice Clark seemed, I was nothing but a burden on him. He could never handle the fact that I was broken beyond repair. In fact, no man should have to deal with the dark past I'd been running away from, especially not someone as nice as Clark. He deserved someone normal, someone who could take care of him in return instead of constantly needing to feel protected.

My past would continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. The least I could do was not bring someone else into this mess and make them suffer along with me. Once he finds me, he will erase every obstacle in his way of obtaining me. I could never watch Clark suffer for my mistake of running away from him. Even if Clark didn't like me romantically, I would never forgive myself if I was the reason Clark was harmed.

Yes, I should just keep my head down, be grateful for Clark's kindness and move on to a different city. I couldn't relax and let my guard down while he was still out there, getting closer to finding me with each passing minute.

It was silly of me to fantasize about having a happy life, especially one with someone way out of my league. It had always been a pipe dream. The way I was brought up, a normal and happy life was never an option.

Now like every other day, I paced around the living room as I waited for Clark to come home. When the front door finally opened, I rushed to greet him and tried to hide the over-enthusiasm.

"How was work?" I asked as he put the briefcase down on the floor.

"Busy." He sighed and loosened his tie before taking his jacket off. "But now that the board meeting is finished, I don't have to stay at work all day long."

I resisted the urge to stare at his beefy thighs in his tight suit pants. It was a miracle he didn't rip them in two every time he bent over. It was just as hard not to stare at his shirt, which outlined the shape of his big pecs. I was proud of my myself for not staring, for it was a sign that I was beginning to learn social etiquette. But when he headed towards the stairs I failed as I gave into the urge of staring at his shoulders. I loved the way they were broad in contrast to his relatively small waist.

"Clark," I said, swiftly moving my gaze to his face when he turned around. "I have a little something prepared for you, as a way of thanking you for all the things you've done for me."

"Oh, what is it?" He followed me into the kitchen and smiled at the beautifully arranged candlelit table. "A lavish dinner? No, you shouldn't have, Jenna. This must've taken you hours. I really don't mind helping you out."

I wondered if it was the last dinner we'd ever have. I'd been so conflicted over the past few days whether to move on to a different city or stay with Clark. On one hand, I didn't want to say goodbye to Clark, but on the other, I couldn't let him find me and put Clark's life in danger. If it meant never seeing Clark, it would be painful but so be it.

I led him to the table to give him a better look at all the dishes I’d prepared, the best of which was hunter's schnitzel with mushroom sauce. I had spent the better part of the day cooking but it was all worth seeing the smile on Clark's face.

"I've been cooking ever since I was a child." I took a seat and he did the same. "I had to cook for my family all my life. I know it's silly, but it's the best I could do to thank you. It's nothing compared to everything you've done for me, but I have nothing else to give you in return for the kindness you've shown me."

He shook his head and moved a couple of seats to sit next to me, placing his hand on mine and sending jolts of electricity down my spine. "Oh no, I love it. This is perfect. Money can't buy everything. I've never come home to find dinner ready. It's such small things I've always wanted out of life, along with things like waking up next to someone for the rest of my life. I haven't had much luck with women, though."

It was hard to believe that he hadn't been in happy relationships before. Women must throw themselves at him all the time. All he had to do was make his pick.

"Any woman should be lucky to have you for the rest of her life, Clark." It was painful when his hand left mine. "You're a good man."

My cheeks turned red as his eyes bored into mine. Every time he looked at me like he wanted to tear my clothes off and make sweet love to me, I found myself wet from arousal and nervous at the same time. I rubbed my legs closer together in hopes that the scent of my arousal wasn't apparent.

"The same goes for you, you know." He crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, presenting a confident posture that turned me on further. "I've only known you for a week, but good women like you are so hard to come by these days. The women in my life either wanted me for my money or my looks. Outer beauty is what attracts people in the beginning, but looks fade with time. What doesn't fade is inner beauty, and I can tell you're beautiful both inside and outside."

"Oh, Clark." My smile slowly faded as tears began to form in my eyes. "Those are some of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. But there are things you don't know, things that would make you kick me out right this instant."

"Hey, hey." He rubbed my back in small circles as a tear ran down my cheek and it instantly made me feel calm. "You know that's not true. It doesn't take me long to know what kind of a person someone is. Do you know what I saw in you the day we met?"

I looked up at the ceiling to think before slowly shaking my head.

"I saw kindness and innocence in your eyes, but also pain and sadness." He withdrew his hand and I resisted the urge to lean into him to ask for more. "I could tell you've been through a rough life, that it made you trust no one. I also knew you were probably running away from something or someone, but not because you did something wrong. It's because you were being mistreated, isn't it?"

"I didn't have a normal childhood," I said quietly, but then the words wouldn't come out of my mouth as I burst into tears. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying. I feel so silly."

"There, there." He threw his arms around me and gently patted my back. "There's nothing to be sorry about. You're a good woman but the world hasn't been nice to you. You don't have to worry about that anymore. As long as you're with me, nothing bad will happen to you, Jenna."

I wanted the dinner to be about Clark but it had taken an unexpected turn. I felt so tiny and safe in his big strong arms. As long as my eyes were closed and I could feel Clark's warm body, I was the safest I could ever be. I wiped my tears and rubbed my face in his shirt, sighing in contentment. His manly scent further added to my comfort.

I just lay there pressed up against his shirt for what seemed like minutes. When I finally pulled away from his chest to look up at him, he was staring right back at me with a smile. I turned my head away as my cheeks turned red. When I turned back to face him, he was still looking at me like I was the only person left in the world.

"I'm not gonna make this day about myself." I could feel my cheeks turn red, so I pulled away from his body and sat up straight. "This dinner is to thank you. I hope you like it."

I noticed from the corner of my eyes that his eyes were still on me. Did he like me just as much? I decided to dismiss it as wishful thinking. There was no way a hot stud like Clark would be attracted to someone as insecure and socially awkward as me. I had seen enough romantic films to know that the hero always went after the confident and independent heroine.

When Clark took a bite of the roasted chicken followed by the hunter's schnitzel with mushroom sauce, his eyes rolled back into his head as he let out a dramatic moan.

"There's no way you haven't taken a cooking class before." He shook his head in disbelief. "Do you know how many Michelin three-star restaurants I've been to? This is some of the best food I've ever tasted."

He nodded approvingly as he tasted the other dishes and let out a few more moans. Was that how he moaned in bed too? Every little thing Clark did was a boon to my dormant sexuality. I'd been starved for way too long and only Clark could satiate my hunger now.

"There was no way to pass time growing up," I said when he insisted on knowing my secrets. "I wasn't allowed to go outside and there wasn't much to do around the house. So I spent hours upon hours reading the recipe books and perfecting every single recipe. It was supposed to be a distraction until I could go out into the world and meet new people like I always wanted."

Clark nodded. "I'm glad you got out then. Maybe you'll tell me one day all about your past life, but I can wait for you to be ready."

I badly wanted to tell him everything right then and there, but the more he knew the more danger he would be in. I wish I could tell him I was considering leaving just to keep both of us safe. I wanted us to say our goodbyes, but that wasn't possible because he wouldn't let me leave. I'd have to leave out of the blue one day and he'll never know how much I liked him. He'd probably end up blaming himself but at least he'd be safe from danger.

"What about you?" I asked, taking a bite of the Flammkuchen. "You told me you had to ask around for food in exchange for work. How did you end up here?"

"Oh, it wasn't just one thing in particular," he said before washing down his food with a glass of juice. "I'd always been determined to be successful, so I did everything in my power to move up the financial ladder. Some people derived all their happiness from family and friends, but I spent all my life trying to derive it from my career. I learned the hard way that I need happiness from other things too. Anyway, I digress. A couple who couldn't conceive decided to take me in when I was eighteen. I was an adult and yet they gave me a chance. That has to be the biggest contributor to my success. They believed in me and so I couldn't let them down. To this day, I consider them to be my parents. They were kind to me when they didn't have to, and now I try to be kind to everyone I meet."

It was refreshing to see a man who cared so much about being kind and helpful. The men I learned about from the films acted too macho to have feelings. They were jerks and women loved them for it. The men I personally knew were incarnations of evil, so I was glad to discover that not all men were the same.

When we finished dinner, Clark helped me clean the dishes. He refused to let me do it alone. Ever since I'd been living with him, he hadn't let me do a single thing around the house. He treated me like a princess and I would never forget it for the rest of my life. How could I, when it was the only time I wasn't treated cruelly?

"So have you been sleeping well the past few nights?" Clark put away the dishes while I tidied the sink. "I know it can be hard to fall asleep at a new place."

"Like a baby." I nodded and smiled at him. "I love sleeping. I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere as long as I have my thumb in my mouth and my stuffie in my arms."

My smile faded the moment I realized I had slipped up again. I had planned on thinking twice before I spoke every time, but it was so hard to learn as an adult. How did people manage to hide anything at all?

Clark froze halfway with a plate in his hand as his eyes widened in realization. He knew I was a Little!

I chuckled nervously and put on a forced smile, hoping to change the subject. "How have you been sleeping these days? I've read that working out at the gym makes you tired, so I bet you sleep like a baby too."

He nodded before putting away the plate in his hand. "I do. I workout a lot more now that I have nothing but free time."

Did Clark think I was a freak? I wasn't sure how common Littles were in the real world, but he clearly knew what I meant by the look of surprise on his face.

Our days together were numbered. Nevertheless, I was desperate for Clark to like me in what little time we had left. All the movies I had seen showed the women playing hard to get, not show off their desperation like me. If he had truly realized I was a Little, there was no point in hanging around anymore. He had probably started thinking of ways to get rid of me without being mean. Why would anyone want to live with a weirdo? Littles were anything but weirdos and freaks, but unfortunately, there was no doubt in my mind that the world viewed them as such. It didn't matter how nice Clark was. It was hard for anyone outside the lifestyle to understand or sympathize with Littles.

I excused myself before I could slip up again and embarrass myself. I headed to my bedroom and jumped up in my bed, knowing fully well that I'd replay the events of tonight in my head over and over again until they'd prevent me from falling asleep. When sleep finally came hours later, I dreamt that Clark was secretly a Daddy too and wanted me to be his Little, with us getting married in an age play themed wedding. But when I woke up the next morning, the harsh reality had set in, one that was far different from my dream. Today had to be the day I had to move on to a different city. I didn't know if it was because he was probably closer than I'd hoped, or if it was in anticipation of Clark kicking me out soon for being a Little, or because I had fallen for Clark and I wanted him to be safe from him. It was likely a combination of them all.

I looked at the clock and it was almost time for Clark to leave for office. I jumped out of bed in panic before I realized that he didn't have to go to the office for a few days. My heart stopped racing as I realized I would get to see Clark one last time before I disappeared out of his life forever. It was painful not knowing if he liked me back, but it was probably for the best. I couldn't risk him finding me with another man. It would only mean my life would be far more painful than it had already been. If he thought I wasn't a virgin anymore like he wanted me to be, he would have no reason left to keep me alive. It wasn't a concern, though. I would leave Clark today and I was sure I'd never fall for anyone again. So my virginity would still be intact if he ever found me.

I rushed downstairs and looked around in all directions as panic set in. I badly needed to see Clark one last time so I could forever etch his handsome face in my memory. Had he already left? I walked towards the stairs looking down at my feet in sadness, walking so slow I was barely moving.

When Clark suddenly rushed down the stairs, my face lit up and I resisted the urge to bounce and clap. He looked just as dashing as the day I met him, except now he was dressed in loose-fitting clothes.

"Oh, Jenna, you're up." He patted my back before heading towards the fridge. "I'm heading out to see John, a dear friend of mine. I'll be back by lunch."

I walked up to him and stood still, studying his face and trying my best to memorize every little detail on his face. He poured himself a glass of orange juice and drank it in a matter of seconds. When he turned to find me still staring at his face, he frowned.

"Everything alright, Jenna?" He put a hand on my shoulder and I relished the moment.

"Yeah." I nodded and put on a forced smile.

All I could think was how painful not seeing his face each morning was going to be. He was the only one who had been kind to me, and for that, he would forever hold a special place in my heart.

"Good." He headed towards the front door as tears began to form in my eyes. "I'll see you at lunch. I think it's going to rain today."

The moment the door shut close, I sat on the floor and burst into tears. Those would forever be the last words he ever spoke to me. I'll see you at lunch. I think it's going to rain today.

I already knew I would replay those words over and over in my head for the rest of eternity. I was too emotional for my own good. After being starved of male attention for a lifetime, I had finally fallen for a man and I couldn't even have him. On the other hand, women my age were already on their way to their second or third boyfriend.

A good cry was sometimes all one needed. After a few minutes of crying my eyes out, I finally wiped my tears and stood up. I had to accept that Clark couldn't be a part of my life. Being brought up in an unusual environment, I had to come to terms with several major inconveniences. Maybe I'd get used to Clark's absence with time.

Growing up, I had to assume the worst possible scenario was true in order to survive. I couldn’t trust anyone and had to assume everyone was against me because it eventually turned out to be true. While I wished I’d gotten more days with Clark, I just couldn't stay any longer. I had to assume the worst scenario to be true, that Clark's life was in danger the longer I stayed with him.

Walking over to the dining table, I picked up a note and contemplated before writing down what came naturally to me.

I wish I could stay longer, but it's time for me to move on. It's the best for both of us. Thank you for being nice to me when no one else was. Every time someone's kind to me, I'll think of you. Sorry if I was a burden. It wasn't my intention. Goodbye.

I took a deep breath and rushed up the stairs into my bedroom. I packed everything I owned and looked at the pretty clothes Clark had bought me. Deciding not to take them since they would be a painful reminder of Clark, I headed downstairs.

When I was out the front door, I resisted the urge to look back one last time as tears formed in my eyes. I still had no money on me. Clark had insisted I have some with me but I always refused. I would beg my way to the city if I had to.

After walking for hours in the direction of the bus station, I was tired and hungry. I should've had breakfast before leaving. Just as I was about to take a break, the clouds turned dark and there was a loud rumble followed by pouring rain.

I’ll see you at lunch. I think it's going to rain today.

Pedestrians rushed to take shelter but this was a rare opportunity for me. I had never stood in the rain before but always wanted to, so I did that now. I couldn't wait to tell Clark, but then I remembered I'd never see him again and sadness came over me. There were so many things to be done for the first time.

Seconds later when the downpour had turned unbearable, I joined the others in taking shelter by a shop doorway.

All my life I wanted to go outside and do simple things like standing in the rain or talking to strangers. Drenching in rain for the first time alone seemed worth all the trouble and risk of running away. Yet I wasn't sure if it was the right decision. I was sad when I wasn't allowed to leave home all my life, but I was just as sad right now. I had read the story of Plato's cave years ago, where a man chained up in a dark cave all his life is rescued, but ends up rejecting the outer world to return to live in the dark cave, for it's the only world he knows how to survive in.

There was no doubt I wasn't prepared for the real world. I just wasn't equipped to survive in it. I was so broken that I didn't even know something as simple as expressing feelings for a man I liked. Maybe it was a mistake to run away from the only world I'd ever known, one which was painfully cruel but at least I knew what to expect, and I knew how to survive it.