The Anti-Crush by Harper West

15

Nathan

Elizabeth tappedher pencil on the table, her brows furrowed, and her lips curved downward in a frown.

She looked so gorgeous when she studied that I couldn't help but stare at her. Over the past couple of months, I became a lot more accustomed to her little quirks. Some of them were downright adorable. Like her studying face. We had come such a long way from high school and moments like this, alone with her, made me glad we’d dealt with our uncomfortable past.

Her handwriting was neat and uniform, and her notes were impeccably structured and easy to read. She had this professional, serious demeanor whenever she worked on anything for school. Especially for her major. The MCAT was no joke, but I knew she would pass and get accepted into some prestigious medical school. She would excel and make her family and friends insanely proud. I was already in awe of the way she dealt with the dense, difficult material. It came naturally to her. She made it look easy.

Sometimes, I wondered what she saw in me. She was smart. Smarter than I was. And destined for greatness. I was just grateful that I had caught her eye. And that she was willing to give me another chance after how horrible I was to her throughout high school.

It scared the hell out of me to admit it, but with each passing day, I fell more and more in love with Elizabeth. Thinking about the word love made me panic a little, but at the same time, it felt right. I had plenty of dating experience, but long-term relationships had never worked out for me. I was sure things would be different with Elizabeth. I didn't have to put on an air or be someone I wasn't to impress her. We simply enjoyed being in each other's presence. I was never much of a sentimental person, yet here I was, absolutely head over heels for her. I loved being in love with her.

I hadn't told Elizabeth all of this yet. Our relationship was going well, but every time I thought about confessing my love for her, I chickened out. On the rare occasion that I did try to have a more serious discussion, I either changed the subject last minute or clammed up entirely. Elizabeth could be hard to read sometimes. I didn’t know if saying I love you would freak her out. I didn't want to put her on the spot or ruin the great thing we had going. She had said, on multiple occasions, that she wanted to take things slow, and given our history, I couldn't blame her. It took her a while to trust me enough to sleep with me. I knew it would also take her even longer love me.

Lately, most of our conversations revolved around school and studying for our MCAT and LSAT exams. We barely had time to hang our, let alone have a serious conversation. We were both pretty stressed out and overwhelmed. It would be amazing to have just one night where we could be together and not have to crack open a giant textbook. It was starting to seriously wear the two of us out mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Elizabeth had migraines and anxiety attacks a lot more often these days. We were both losing sleep and skipping meals here and there. I was amazed we didn't get carpal tunnel yet from all of the note-taking.

I hated seeing Elizabeth so worn out and exhausted. Every few minutes, I looked up from my books to glance over at her, her face frozen in a perpetually miserable expression. As much as she loved her medicine, I could tell school was starting to become a chore for her.

I thought about tapping her on the arm to ask if she wanted to take a break, but before I could do so, she slammed down her pencil and sighed, exasperated. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"I'm freaking out," she mumbled, pressing her forehead back into her hands as her entire body trembled. "I'm burning out here. I've reached my limit for the day. No, actually, I probably hit my limit two hours ago. Ugh. I have to finish taking notes on this chapter, though, or I'm going to fall behind. I'm such a failure. I hate this," she ranted, sniffling. She lifted her face from her hands and wiped her eyes with her shirt sleeve. "I'm sorry I'm being so dramatic, Nathan. I'm at the point where I don't think my brain can fit any more information. I just—" she continued, but I held up a hand and interrupted her.

"You're going to be okay, Elizabeth.," I assured her. "You're the smartest person I know, and you're totally killing it. I am so, so freaking proud of you. You're not a failure.” I reached out and put her hands in mine, looking up at her. "We both need to take better care of ourselves. We’re getting in our own way.” I offered her a warm smile and gave her hands a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm so lucky to have you," she whispered, reverently. "I don't know what I'd do without you." She pulled her right hand away and wiped away another tear. “Ugh. I’m sorry I’m crying.”

"I'm the lucky one here," I replied with a quiet chuckle. "You are so damn brilliant. You're just stressed out right now. Hell, we both are. Everyone shows it in different ways. It's okay to cry and get upset and frustrated, okay?"

I stroked the top of her right hand with my thumb, trying to ease her anxiety. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment.

"You're right. You're right..." she whispered meekly. She shrank, trying to make herself smaller. "But what the hell am I going to do? I don't know if I can keep going like this. But I can’t stop either.”

"Listen to me for a second, okay? It's okay to take a break when you're feeling like this," I explained, calmly. "How about we go outside for twenty minutes to calm down and compose ourselves. We deserve that much. Want to go for a walk?"

She looked down at her phone to check the time, then back over to the enormous textbook. She took a deep breath and sat up straighter, before nodding. "You have no idea how badly I need this," she said gratefully. She put her pencil on the table and slid a bookmark into her textbook.

"I know Elizabeth. And right now, I'm pretty excited to spend some time together without a bunch of books between us," I said, laughing. "Let's go. We'll go outside for a little walk around campus and get some fresh air." I stretched my arms and legs, standing up and closing my book. I cracked my knuckles and let out a long, dramatic yawn.

"I think all of this stagnant, recirculated library air is poisoning my brain," Elizabeth quipped. She picked up her purse and rummaged around for her lip balm. "Just a sec. It's cold out there, and my skin gets so dry.” She tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Oh, wow, I don't think I even brushed my hair today,”

“You still look beautiful.”

She rolled her eyes.

“I mean it. This is a good look for you," I assured her.

“Frazzled?” she asks, amazed. “Unkempt? Messy?”

“Natural.”

She blushed, but smiled.

Elizabeth and I walked out of the library and into the cool winter afternoon. A layer of frost had formed on the grass, untouched and shimmering brilliantly in the sunlight. She put her jacket on and scarf and followed me down the stone staircase onto the sidewalk below.

"You were right, Nathan. I needed this, and it looks like you did, too," she giggled, watching me stretch my arms and legs in the sun.

We walked, side by side, on the short trail that surrounded the library. I grabbed her and interlaced our fingers. We strolled mostly in silence, grateful for the opportunity to just be together.

"I wish every day could be just like this," she sighed. "I mean, not like the stressful studying and crying part, but just...this right here."

She turned to face me and leaned in for a kiss. I pulled her in close and cupped her cheeks in my hands, kissing her more deeply.

Maybe now I can tell her,I thought.

When the kiss broke, my cock was at half-mast. We locked eyes for a few seconds and I got this fluttering, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a million butterflies were trying to break free. As strange as it felt, it was also exhilarating.

"Elizabeth, I love you," I said, plainly.

Her eyes widened and she stared back at me, amazed and confused. Her jaw dropped and her mouth formed an O shape. Her entire body froze in place. I swallowed nervously, waiting for her response, all alone except for the winter breeze.

The longer we stood there, the more chilling the silence became.

And with every passing moment, I got the sinking suspicion that she wasn't going to say it back.