The Anti-Crush by Harper West

16

Elizabeth

Nathan stared into my eyes,waiting for me to say something. My mouth hung open, and I was completely taken aback by what he’d just said. He loved me? How could he love me? We had only been dating for a few months?

"What?" I asked flatly. "W-what are you talking about? What do you mean? What am I supposed to say to that?" I pulled away from him and stared, feeling confused and awkward.

"I love you, Elizabeth. I'm serious. I know it's probably too soon to say it, but..." he trailed off, running a hand through his gelled-up, spiky blond fauxhawk. He looked panicked.

"Um," I whispered. "Are you serious? You're in love with me?” Suddenly, I felt a little angry. "Why would you say that to me while I'm studying for the most important exam of my entire life? I can't deal with this right now." My voice cracked as I turned away.

"Deal with this? You have to figure out how to deal with me being in love with you? Really?" he blurted out. "Wow, I'm so sorry that our relationship is such a huge burden on you right now!"

"What do you want me to say? I really can't think about this right now, Nathan. We have so much going on. You have the LSATs. I have the MCATs." I shook my head as tears started to stream down my face. I bit my lip and dried my eyes on my shirt sleeve. "Things were going so well between us. This is too much. I'm going back in to go study.”

Thankfully, we were alone, or else we would have made a huge scene.

"In two days, the fate of my entire life will be determined by how I do one one test. I don’t have time for love right now.” I turned to storm off back toward the library, but he put a hand on my shoulder. I jerked away from him.

"Elizabeth, I...I don't know why I said that. You're right. It was way too soon. I'm sorry. Please try to understand—" he sputtered, but I cut him off.

"No, you feel what you feel, and that's fine. But I can't worry about feelings until this is over," I groaned. ”How would you even know if you love me yet, anyway? That's completely insane! We've only been together for a couple of months, Nathan! Months!" My hands were balled into fists, my entire body tense and stiff.

I wanted to love him. But I didn’t. Not yet, anyway. Almost. But… not just yet.

"Months or not, I meant it," he replied. "You're the only girl I've ever felt this way about. I don't know how it happened so fast, but it did. So I said it. I know the timing was terrible, but I couldn't hold back anymore." He stared at the ground with his shoulders slumped.

"Just me? I'm...the first girl you've ever loved?" I asked. I cocked my head, curiously. Usually, Nathan was pretty easy to read, but now, he was giving off all kinds of weird mixed signals.

"Yes. And it scares the shit out of me," he said, his voice hardly louder than a whisper. "It's so scary falling in love with someone this fast. Maybe I should have kept it to myself. I mean... I probably I just ruined things between us, didn't I?”

"No, you didn't ruin everything," I responded, "but this does make things a lot harder and more confusing. You had to know that this would change things. We have a good thing going on between us and now I feel like I'm supposed to reciprocate, but I don't even know how I feel, and—"

"You don't have to say it back," Nathan reasoned. “You don't have to feel the same way. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying and I probably just need to shut up before I make things worse. I'm just so, so damn scared of losing you, Elizabeth. Please, please just think about this. We can pretend this never happened.”

”How am I supposed to pretend this never happened?" I asked him. "I don't think I can do this."

“Elizabeth…”

“Nathan, I'm sorry. I need a minute. I need… to go study."

I turned my back to him and continued walking back to the library, but my pace had slowed almost to a complete stop. I doubled back. I had more to say to Nathan.

“Look, I know you care about me. That's not the problem. I care about you, too, Nathan. I just don't understand why you brought this up right before I'm about to take an exam that determines the entire rest of my future and my career."

"Well, honestly, I've been thinking it for the past two weeks or so," he confessed. "I've been trying to find a time to tell you. Every time just felt wrong. Something about today...I don't know. I suddenly had to tell you."

I was almost back at the library. I needed to go back inside, keep studying, and deal with all of this later, but I still had so many questions for Nathan. I still wasn't sure how I felt. Did I love him? I mean, I definitely had strong feelings for him. I’ve never felt this way before.

But, this was all new to me.

"I wasn't expecting you to say it back or anything," he assured me. "I don't know why I fell for you so fast. But, does anyone ever know why they love someone?." He scratched his head. "Like I said, it's not like I’ve ever been in love before."

I bit my lip as more tears streamed down my face and fell to the sidewalk, leaving little wet dots on the ground. "I can't think about love right now," I whispered, confused.

“We can talk whenever you're ready, I guess. I probably need some time to think, too. I'm going to go grab my stuff and head home. I'm really sorry, Elizabeth. I don't know what else to say." He walked away without another word.

I stood there, cold and alone, bawling my eyes out. I sat down on a nearby bench and put my head in my hands as I wept. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed McKenzie's number. Thankfully, she answered.

"Hey, girl, what's up?" she asked, her bubbly voice bringing me a tiny bit of comfort.

"Can we talk?” My voice cracked as I spoke. "I really need you right now. I don't know what to do."

Her entire tone changed immediately. "Oh, no, Elizabeth, what's wrong? What did Nathan do?” She sounded angry.

"He didn't do anything exactly," I replied. “He... he told me he loved me. We were here at the library, studying, and we took a walk, and for some reason, he just blurted out that he loved me. I don't know what the hell is going on or what's gotten into him. I don't know what to do," My voice trailed off and devolved into pained, frantic sobs. "I need to study, but I can't think about anything but him now. What am I supposed to do?"

"He told you he loved you?" McKenzie asked incredulously. "What the hell? You guys have only been dating for, what, a couple months? And he decided to drop a bomb on you when you're studying for the freaking MCAT?"

"Yeah. I don't know what he was thinking," I whined. "I don't...I don't..." I stuttered, gulping for air as I wept.

"Hey, hey, listen," she said, her voice calm and comforting. "Get your stuff packed up and go home and get some rest. Okay? You have two days before the MCAT. You need to go home and get some sleep, all right? After that, you can spend all day tomorrow studying. I'll come home soon, and we can talk and cry and watch movies or do whatever you need. Take care of yourself today. I love you, Elizabeth. You're going to be okay."

I nodded, feeling a bit stupid when I realized she couldn't see. "Okay. I love you, too, McKenzie. Thank you. I'm sorry to call you freaking out like this. I didn't know what else to do.”

"Anytime. Literally anytime. Call me back when you get home. I’ll keep my phone nearby," she replied warmly.

"Yeah. Bye." I sniffled, hanging up. I took a deep breath and got up from the bench, steadied myself, and headed back into the library.